We broke up and I might be pregnant

I posted on here about how I broke up with my boyfriend. I phrased things in a misleading way. So much so that one response was about him being abusive, which he isn't.

So, I'm starting a new thread to try and explain this properly.

Basically, my boyfriend and I have/had horrible communication. We've had a lot of misunderstandings and we've both neglected to communicate important things to each other. We're both very sensitive and have hurt each other a lot, not meaning to. We are very much in love with each other and actually I think it's because we love each other so much that we've ended up hurting each other a lot.

Here is the gist of how we broke up:

A week ago, he left for a trip he had planned since before he met me. He regularly goes to a spiritual centre (that I'm very familiar with) that is about a 12-hour drive from here.

Apparently, before he left I hurt his feelings. He left the house and kept coming back in because he forgot something. The very last time, he came back in for one last goodbye, but I didn't realize that. I was eating something to settle my stomach because I was feeling nauseous and apparently I called out goodbye from the couch. He felt hurt that I didn't come to the door to kiss him goodbye again. I had no idea that's what he wanted because he gets distant when he's travelling, so I was giving him space.

He and I agree that he would text me when he got in safely. 15 hours into his drive, I hadn't heard from him and started to worry and texted him to see if he was ok. The tires on his car had been complaining about not enough tire pressure, so I was worried. He finally texted me and said he was another 90 minutes away. I never heard from him once he actually arrived.

He was barely communicative while he was gone. He wrote me to ask about a practical thing and then nothing. He did text me on New Year's Eve and then phoned, but he barely said anything and got off the phone before I wanted to. He told me nothing about his time at the spiritual centre.

It seemed to me that he was putting distance between us again.

Then, the day he was scheduled to return home, I texted him to ask when he would be back (so I could have dinner ready at his place). He texted me 4 words:

Probably Sunday

Staying longer

Sunday was 5 days away

He didn't text me again for about 6 hours.

I felt very hurt and panicked. I thought it was so inconsiderate of him to have just introduced me to his family and talked about starting a family and then poof, do his own thing with no phone call. He and I had also made plans to visit my aunt on Saturday and this meant he was cancelling.

Since breaking up with him, we've had a regular email correspondence and a lot of clarification.

Turns out his phone died and that's why he didn't communicate right away. And he had a meeting that night, so he couldn't phone. And he thought we had enough trust that I would know there was a very good reason for him staying longer.

His very dear friend - the one he's staying with - is dying of cancer. And he made a promise to his friend that he wouldn't tell anyone about the cancer, so him keeping that promise meant telling me nothing.

He was distant with me because he felt hurt by me not getting off the couch to kiss him goodbye.

He had no idea (because I neglected to tell him) that cancelling plans is a huge trigger for me. My abusive dad would make plans with me, I would look forward to it all week, and then he would simply not show up and give me the silent treatment to "punish" me. When I told him this, he said that had he known he would have called. He said that breaking plans is no big deal to him, so he never thought twice about it.

He said that he thought I was the one and that I really, really hurt him by breaking up with him. He said that he's way more sensitive with me because he actually cares about me and fell in love with me.

The other thing he wrote in his emails is that he doesn't want me to move out until I know for sure I'm not pregnant. There's a definite chance I might be. I'm on day 26 of my cycle (12 days past ovulation) and I'm feeling quite nauseous. It might just be anxiety. During previous pregnancies, I felt nauseous this early (I got pregnant during my marriage and had miscarriages).

He said he wants to take care of me if I'm pregnant.

After a lot of hashing things out and clearing up miscommunication, he also told me that he wanted to try and make it work with me. He said he wants to be friends first and rebuild trust and then try again.

I have no idea how to do this. The only thing that came to mind is that we would need to be 100% clear about what our terms are, especially around seeing other people. I told him that I would need to prepare myself emotionally if he wanted to date other people and that I would be heartbroken if I wasn't completely emotionally detached and he told me he'd met someone else. So, this has to be perfectly clear. Personally, I know it wouldn't work if we were seeing other people.

And we would need very clear agreements about how to communicate. No more silence when he's hurt. No more jumping to conclusions. Lots of asking and talking and clearing things up.

Does anyone have any advice or feedback?

The not getting off the couch again, is absolutely ridiculous. You had already said good bye to him. You don't know his friend. He should have told you what was going on. This is inexcusable. It seems that you have to bend over backwards for this guy, but he does not show you simple courtesy or respect.

I think you need to get some couples counseling, and he also needs to be much more respectful of you and commitments. Once again, the couch thing is so silly. He is behaving like a baby.

Your bf seems quite manipulative in the way he addresses conflict. He gives you the silent treatment, over sensitive and avoidant. I would strongly urge him to seek counseling.

Good luck.

It's so funny. I've received such conflicting feedback about this. Some people think I overreacted by breaking up with him. Others have said similar to what you've said.

At the time I felt the same - that he needs to be more respectful and considerate. And he should have told me what was going on. He agreed that he made a mistake and apologized.

Honestly, I don't think the couch thing is silly, but I do think that keeping it inside and being distant for 4 days is very unfair to me.

You think the two of us need counselling or me personally?

Are you using birth control? You have only been dating for six months, and are living together and possible pregnant. Yikes!!!!

Yes. I started to move in right before he left for his trip. And there's a possibility I'm pregnant.

I think that you need couples counseling, and I also think that he needs therapy. He has a lot of issues.

You also need to instill boundaries. i hope that you did not apologize for couch incident? How would he have felt if you had not contacted him in such a long period, and not given sufficient notice for cancelation. VERY INCONSIDERATE AND DISRESPECTFUL!

Why do you think that?

Why do you think that?

Because he "punishes" you when you allegedly hurt his feelings. Instead of, you know, using his words and explaining that he feels hurt, like an adult would.

Why do you think that?

What? I stated the reasons in my first post.

Hmm. It does sound like emotional abuse to me. You're suppose to be psychic and know what you're suppose to do to please this guy? He's using Jedi mind tricks on you. If he had wanted a kiss goodbye he could have walked into the parlor to give you one. You were suppose to be waiting by the door for him to leave? Wake up. I think he knows you're sensitive and he knows how to upset you so that he can blame you to control and manipulate you. I like how he tried to make the break up seem like it was all about him! You saw what your abusive father did to "punish" you, yet you don't recognize this in your boyfriend? Forget about what you're asking. Whatever you do won't be enough for this guy because he's playing games with you. It's ironic he goes to a "spiritual center" because there's nothing in him that's spiritual at all. He's hoping you're pregnant so he can use that to hang on to you and torment you.

You seem like a nice lady. Get away from this guy and find someone loving.

So you see it as punishing, too. I've told him it feels like punishment and he denies that's what he's doing. If it is meant as punishment, I'm running so far and so fast!

This guy is not father material.

I agree with Danzee. Get away from this guy. He is emotionally abusive.

Hmm. It does sound like emotional abuse to me. You're suppose to be psychic and know what you're suppose to do to please this guy? He's using Jedi mind tricks on you. If he had wanted a kiss goodbye he could have walked into the parlor to give you one. You were suppose to be waiting by the door for him to leave? Wake up. I think he knows you're sensitive and he knows how to upset you so that he can blame you to control and manipulate you. I like how he tried to make the break up seem like it was all about him! You saw what your abusive father did to "punish" you, yet you don't recognize this in your boyfriend? Forget about what you're asking. Whatever you do won't be enough for this guy because he's playing games with you. It's ironic he goes to a "spiritual center" because there's nothing in him that's spiritual at all. He's hoping you're pregnant so he can use that to hang on to you and torment you.

 

You seem like a nice lady. Get away from this guy and find someone loving.

I need to really be clear about this before I make a permanent decision to get away from him. I was married to an emotionally manipulative man and he truly did intend to hurt me.

I don't see it in my boyfriend, no.

How did he try and make the breakup seem like it was all about him? I'm not sure I get what you mean.

You have a pattern choosing unhealthy men. Just like your father.

I think that you need couples counseling, and I also think that he needs therapy. He has a lot of issues.

 

You also need to instill boundaries. i hope that you did not apologize for couch incident? How would he have felt if you had not contacted him in such a long period, and not given sufficient notice for cancelation. VERY INCONSIDERATE AND DISRESPECTFUL!

Thank you. I agree that it was inconsiderate and disrespectful.

No, I didn't apologize. I explained what I was doing and he said he felt bad about feeling hurt and thanked me for explaining.

Ugh, I'm confused.

I still want to know how he made the breakup all about him?

Listen, I used to post the things my ex-husband did on an online forum to get perspective because I didn't know who else to talk to... and so many people screamed at me (the way you are) to get out. I didn't see that he was abusing me until two years in.

So, if I'm missing something with this guy, I want to see it and get the f*** out. But, I also don't want to misinterpret this man because it's easy to misunderstand, especially over the internet.

So instead of asking for what he wants, he expects you to mind read. Then when you don't mind read (because no one can), he retaliates by not messaging you and not communicating. You then have to ask him what's wrong and he explains. Then I presume you apologize and he's back to Mr. Happy again. Until the next time you "hurt his feelings".

What a ridiculous cycle! Grown-ups don't engage in this kind of behavior. Toddlers do.

Jeez, I sure hope your child doesn't cry or mess his diaper or do something else to hurt his feelings! Imagine how he'll react. And God forbid you're busy changing a diaper or cleaning up barf or something and he wants your attention. It'll be Sulk City until you and the baby apologize.

I think that you are missing the big picture. The guy is manipulative, avoidant, non communicative and punishing. This does not work in a relationship. He does not see his silent treatment as punishing and manipulative. He does not see that he has a problem. He is not relationship material.

I think that you are missing the big picture. The guy is manipulative, avoidant, non communicative and punishing. This does not work in a relationship. He does not see his silent treatment as punishing and manipulative. He does not see that he has a problem. He is not relationship material.

And he sure isn't father material! Being a parent means setting aside your own wants for the good of the child and from what the OP has written, I don't see this happening.

So instead of asking for what he wants, he expects you to mind read. Then when you don't mind read (because no one can), he retaliates by not messaging you and not communicating. You then have to ask him what's wrong and he explains. Then I presume you apologize and he's back to Mr. Happy again. Until the next time you "hurt his feelings".

 

What a ridiculous cycle! Grown-ups don't engage in this kind of behavior. Toddlers do.

 

Jeez, I sure hope your child doesn't cry or mess his diaper or do something else to hurt his feelings! Imagine how he'll react. And God forbid you're busy changing a diaper or cleaning up barf or something and he wants your attention. It'll be Sulk City until you and the baby apologize.

Spot on!

OP, you know all of this! Stop the denial. And, choose better men!

And he sure isn't father material! Being a parent means setting aside your own wants for the good of the child and from what the OP has written, I don't see this happening.

He certainly isn't.

So instead of asking for what he wants, he expects you to mind read. Then when you don't mind read (because no one can), he retaliates by not messaging you and not communicating. You then have to ask him what's wrong and he explains. Then I presume you apologize and he's back to Mr. Happy again. Until the next time you "hurt his feelings".

No, it's not like this.

I don't have to ask him what's wrong. He eventually tells me. Sometimes it's 20 minutes later, after he's withdrawn for a while. Or, if we don't see each other for a while, it's the next time I see him in person.

He hasn't ever sulked if I don't give him attention. He has, however, perceived my actions as either annoyed with him (when I'm truly not annoyed) or rejecting him (when there's something else going on and I'm not rejecting him).

Let me amend that. It has been bothering me a great deal that he said one of the reasons he didn't phone me to tell me why he was staying longer was that he felt "disconnected". Actually, here are his exact words:

And I didn't want to feel disconnected before leaving so I came back a final time with your cord. Which was an excuse to come back in. And I said good bye and you just stayed on the couch and said bye and that hurt me very much.

 

If I hadn't left I would have been able to tell you and verbalize it and I felt I would tell you when I get back.

 

Other wise I would have wanted texted you every night goodnight.

 

The truth is my friend is dying. He collapsed while I was there and all he does is sleep. He has cancer now for more then a year. He didn't tell me earlier. He wants to go natural and not take treatment.

 

This is really hard for me. He's like my dad. I lived with him for 8 months. He is the one that bought me my car. I'm still in shock to be honest.

 

I should have told you those things but I felt disconnected from you.