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Thread: Girlfriends panics over travelling/moving

  1. #1

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    Girlfriends panics over travelling/moving

    Me and my girlfriend live 2 hours from each other by train, costing ~$60 per trip. We see each other most weekends and holidays and such.

    We're both around 30 years old and we've been a couple for little more than a year, always been 2 hours apart. We both work full-time jobs monday-friday.

    The problem is, she's easily stressed. She gets stressed being away from home for too long and having to travel.
    So, we get on very well and everything, except she pretty often gets super depressed over having to travel and not being able to meet more often, she can go from being extremely nice, loving and happy one day to being depressed over the situation and thinking it's better to just end it so she doesn't have to deal with it being such a pain, even though she admits, afterwards, that's not what she wants. But every time this happens we have to kind of restart a bit to get the relationship stable again.

    Solution then would be to move in together, but she panics at that thought(even when she herself brings it up) cause she doesn't know how we'd get along living together, since we never really see each other for more than a week. This causes her to go into the same mode as described above.

    I'm not used to these situations, i love this girl and dont want to break up with her.

    Would be very thankful for suggestions on how improve the situation!

  2. #2
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    Sounds a bit like bipolar syndrome. She's also being controlling and manipulative, using her anxieties to get what she wants, which mostly seems like she wants to be the center of your attention. Moving in together would be a series of highs and lows and her depression and anxieties might increase. I would advise you to read more about living with someone who is bipolar and see if you can take that kind of relationship. If you can't, there's no shame in bailing out.

  3. #3
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    Sounds a bit like bipolar syndrome
    no it doesn't ....not one bit , that is just total disrespect and ignorance to mental illness ... you have no idea at all about bi polar .

  4. #4
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    She's struggling with anxieties she doesn't yet know how to cope with - and you don't know how to help her. She needs to find some solutions to her anxieties on your own, and you can only support her.

    As for your relationship progress, living with her seems to be important to you right now, so hopefully she will understand that and try to take a chance for you. However, it's best to move slowly. I think if she acts like that, this relationship is very important to her and she has some high expectations that she's afraid she's not gonna meet. To create stability, it's best to learn how to take things easy here. You can move in together just to try - if it will be too much for her, you'll just postpone it, look for different solutions, nothing bad will happen, you won't break up. You can move in to the same city for a couple of months, living apart, to have this normal dating process people have when they have no distance in between them. She should try to learn to see things through a mindset of fun and experiment, and not stress. I imagine you moving to her city would be preferable in this scenario too.

    As for you, I'd set some line for yourself. It's very probable that her adapting to all this will be very stressful for you. Up to some point, it would work better if you could offer her stability and not the threat of breakup. But you have some limit which would mean your needs are not realized here, you're getting co-dependent or it's just too much - and then you should just make a calm cut and keep to being separate for some longer time, to regenerate and make things stable, even if things would be ok the next day. For now, all there is to do is to enjoy the positive aspects of it, give her some time & space, calmness and encouragement.

    On another topic, things like marriage, pregnancy definitely should wait a long, long time. There are some people who need to have that happen by some age and if you are that kind of person, with this kind of girl, things like that may happen only when (if) she's ready to take that incredible risks - and only if you're sure she's a good partner for you too.

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  6. #5
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    I simply think she's not cut out for long distance. I wasn't and did it anyway because it was under particular conditions -we'd dated in the past, we knew marriage was our goal, and we were able to see each other about every 10-12 days for those few years. I found and find travel stressful and tiring (especially once we had a baby!!) and found moving stressful too but from day one I knew that if we were going to be together I'd have to travel a lot and likely relocate -and that my husband would have to travel a lot so I'd be solo parenting a lot. All turned out to be true. On balance, for her, the negatives outweigh the positives. And that's ok -that's her. Others will be much more tolerant or even enjoy it. I'm sorry this is so frustrating and disappointing.

    I don't think necessarily marriage and pregnancy need to be delayed for a long time -it simply depends on situational stuff, risk tolerance, goals, etc. For some it takes years to be ready others months and many in between. All relationships involve risk taking and it depends on the risk tolerance of the individuals involved.

  7. #6

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    Originally Posted by firelily
    She's struggling with anxieties she doesn't yet know how to cope with - and you don't know how to help her. She needs to find some solutions to her anxieties on your own, and you can only support her.

    As for your relationship progress, living with her seems to be important to you right now, so hopefully she will understand that and try to take a chance for you. However, it's best to move slowly. I think if she acts like that, this relationship is very important to her and she has some high expectations that she's afraid she's not gonna meet. To create stability, it's best to learn how to take things easy here. You can move in together just to try - if it will be too much for her, you'll just postpone it, look for different solutions, nothing bad will happen, you won't break up. You can move in to the same city for a couple of months, living apart, to have this normal dating process people have when they have no distance in between them. She should try to learn to see things through a mindset of fun and experiment, and not stress. I imagine you moving to her city would be preferable in this scenario too.

    As for you, I'd set some line for yourself. It's very probable that her adapting to all this will be very stressful for you. Up to some point, it would work better if you could offer her stability and not the threat of breakup. But you have some limit which would mean your needs are not realized here, you're getting co-dependent or it's just too much - and then you should just make a calm cut and keep to being separate for some longer time, to regenerate and make things stable, even if things would be ok the next day. For now, all there is to do is to enjoy the positive aspects of it, give her some time & space, calmness and encouragement.

    On another topic, things like marriage, pregnancy definitely should wait a long, long time. There are some people who need to have that happen by some age and if you are that kind of person, with this kind of girl, things like that may happen only when (if) she's ready to take that incredible risks - and only if you're sure she's a good partner for you too.

    Thanks for a great reply.

    It's not important for me to live with her right now, i would love to, but i'm okay with us not living together right now. It just seems like the only solution currently. Neither of us have a big enough apartment to live two in(we both have tiny apartments).
    It's difficult finding a way to temporarily live closer to her to test it out for a while, since there's a housing shortage and I wouldn't afford covering double rents to keep my current apartment. However this seems like the way to go, so i've started looking for cheap housing near here that can be rented for a few months.

    Yeah, neither of us wants to get married(ever, with anyone, not our thing) and we're not discussing pregnancy at all. I'm totally cool with taking things slow, something just needs to happen cause long distance isnt working for her.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Dont move in with her. If one of you moves closer to the other, get separate places, as you may find you just dont get along and if you have a shared home, that can cause too many problems when one decides to leave, especially if there's a lease.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by melancholy123
    Dont move in with her. If one of you moves closer to the other, get separate places, as you may find you just dont get along and if you have a shared home, that can cause too many problems when one decides to leave, especially if there's a lease.
    I agree. Has she sought professsional help?

  10. #9
    Super Moderator annie24's Avatar
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    Can you move closer together instead of moving in? If possible, would one of you be able to find a job in the same city? Or is there a city in the middle that would be a good compromise where you can both live near each other, not necessarily in the same house, if you are not ready?


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