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Career v. Relationship {Need Men Perspectives, All Are Welcome}


MeiLa

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Hi ENA Group:

 

This question is mostly directed at men, who are career driven or business owners. I also welcome the advice of others as well, but because men and women don’t think alike, I wanted to get some opinions. I thank you in advance.

 

My BF and I were dating a little over a year. We had an intense connection and talked to each other all of the time (hours upon hours). He is a small business owner and has been working on it. The business is new and is not profitable. I know that he is struggling financially just by things that he has said and things I have seen. He has told me that I am “the one.”

 

He told me that he has to fully concentrate on his “issues” and right now he can’t focus on a relationship. I am willing to stand by him and really don’t want the relationship to end. But, I’ve decided to respect his decision. It’s hard. I’ve decided to go full NC (no contact).

 

I don’t understand why men won’t let the woman be there for them through tough times. Do you think he will miss me and eventually contact me? I won’t wait forever but I do love him. Why is it so hard to do a career and relationship. Please help.

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Being in a relationship with you requires a significant amount of his energy and time, willingly given as evidenced by the hours of conversation.

 

If he thought he could maintain contact with you, without disappointing you and without making any real investment, then he would. He either doesn't want to treat you that way or doesn't think you would tolerate it.

 

Imagine being in a relationship with someone who isn't available until last minute, and only to eat and sleep, and who, when he does want to see you, has no idea what movies are out or is in the news, and has no desire to talk about what is going on his life. He wants an escape -- maybe a meal - that you make, maybe sex, maybe sleep, and that's it, without much advance notice nor promise of when it will happen again. Is that what you want?

 

Didn't this so.

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Not everyone moves at the same pace, or sees relationships the same way. He may be struggling with feeling competent, or be in too deep in the business and feeling overwhelmed, or any number of things. Life is complicated to begin with, and getting a business going has a LOT of complications. Balancing all that with a new relationship can be even harder.

 

If you want to maintain this connection and be supportive, you can do so without going NC and without pushing for "a relationship". You can be present and show that you care without giving any pressure about long-term goals between you. Be open about what you want if asked, but take care when asking for things, as he has set boundaries, and it's okay for him to do that.

 

If you're not willing to wait, put in the effort, and support him even if he's not "dating" you, then reconsider how you really feel. I know it's hard to desire to be with someone whose priorities aren't focused on you, but sometimes even in a long-term relationship you'll need to set your own priorities aside to support someone.

 

In short: if you think this person is worth effort and patience, put them in. Communicate, be compassionate for him and yourself, and don't take a heartfelt "not now" as "go away" :)

 

Light and laughter,

SongCoyote

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I don’t understand why men won’t let the woman be there for them through tough times. Do you think he will miss me and eventually contact me? I won’t wait forever but I do love him. Why is it so hard to do a career and relationship. Please help.

 

Speaking as a man, it's most likely not about not wanting someone to be there during tough times.

He realizes that his business needs his attention in order to meet the financial goals he established when starting it. That means less attention for you, which he may feel isn't fair to you. Also, as there will most likely be plenty of stressful days, he might not want to make the mistake of taking out his frustrations on you.

 

If he's admitted that you are "the one", that is a good sign. Definately give him room to get his business on better footing, but after a week or so, send a very light message asking how he's making out... just to make sure you stay on his radar.

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It's really not a "men" thing, but an emotional independence and preference for compartmentalization thing. A lot of people will internalize and hone in on whatever issue is going on. Other matters and other people do tend to get put on the periphery. The difference between that person and someone who genuinely can't let others in and actually suffers more for it is how they act when you do actually afford them that space. It may never come in the form of confiding with you or crying on your shoulder, but if you're giving them that space, they should at some point be saying, "Man, hanging out with so-and-so would be nice right now."

 

My fiancee and I both operate very similarly in that we both physically and emotionally retreat a bit if we're going through a particularly stressful period. That doesn't mean we're in our own rooms for weeks at a time or anything, but that we trust each other to handle something ourselves or to come to one another for support as needed. I don't ever interject on behalf of her own emotional well-being and I'm very glad that she doesn't for me, either. As a consequence, if I'm going through such a rough patch, I end up pretty often coming to her just to enjoy her presence. But it'd be a very different story if I felt as though I weren't entitled the space I needed.

 

But that's all speaking generally and without knowing the exact details of your situation. Some people genuinely are workaholics. I don't know to what extent, if any, you were imposing yourself onto his coping mechanisms and the space he needed. I don't know how much space he expected. I don't know what your emotional demands were. It could be that he, quite simply, is too busy to be in a relationship while his business is still in the red. Despite what many posters on here will tell you, it is very possible to just not have the time or energy even with the best of matches. All of it's worth reflecting on yourself.

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Speaking as a man, it's most likely not about not wanting someone to be there during tough times.

He realizes that his business needs his attention in order to meet the financial goals he established when starting it. That means less attention for you, which he may feel isn't fair to you. Also, as there will most likely be plenty of stressful days, he might not want to make the mistake of taking out his frustrations on you.

 

If he's admitted that you are "the one", that is a good sign. Definately give him room to get his business on better footing, but after a week or so, send a very light message asking how he's making out... just to make sure you stay on his radar.

 

THANK YOU! Yes, he was clear that he needed to “focus” right now. You are right maybe I am being selfish only thinking of my needs and wants/

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Sounds like the nature and dynamics of your relationship were such that he can't sustain it, namely intense and talking for hours and hours. He needs to invest that energy and those hours into his business. It's not that you can't have a relationship and be working on your business or career full time at the same time, it's that the relationship dynamics need to support that instead of taking away from it. In your case, your dynamics were taking away from his time and concentration on what he needs to concentrate on. So he ended things because from his perspective, the relationship wasn't a support but a drain on his resources, a distraction.

 

If you really believe that your connection was mutually shared and that he only ended things because of the dynamic not being conducive to business, then you could actually request to sit down and talk about things and change the dynamic so it works as a support rather than a drain. That's assuming that he isn't just giving you a bs line and isn't simply ending things because he wants out. The other factor too is that if he needs that intensity in the relationship, then he will always be that guy who runs hot and then runs away when life gets busy because he can't handle things in balance. That part you can't fix.

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I don’t think it’s a BS excuse. It’s not like I was demanding that much of his time, it is something we both wanted, but I agree that it comes a time that you have to invest that energy into your business. Financially, I know he is struggling and it’s do or die for him. If I didn’t have the first hand information, I’d call BS.

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Most people who take a big risk and go out on a financial limb prefer to sink or swim without an audience. If he ever gets his business on track someday he may look back on you fondly and contact you, but I wouldn't wait for that. If you're available at that time, great, but if you're not, then that would mean that you've found someone who makes this guy irrelevant. Either way, you win by not hanging on.

 

Head high.

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Behind every great man there is a great woman. Most women misunderstand this phrase and disregard the power that their support and companionship has. A woman can make or break a man.

He wants space, give it to him. But I’m not sure ‘no contact’ is the answer. There might be ways in which you can act, or things you can do that tell him you are there and do not require his attention. Maybe clean his apartment, or fill up his fridge with things you know he will use. Be there unconditionally! that is so powerful to a man... knowing that you are there without demanding anything is very good. When he is ready, there will be only one woman he would go to. The one who had his back.

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Behind every great man there is a great woman. Most women misunderstand this phrase and disregard the power that their support and companionship has. A woman can make or break a man.

He wants space, give it to him. But I’m not sure ‘no contact’ is the answer. There might be ways in which you can act, or things you can do that tell him you are there and do not require his attention. Maybe clean his apartment, or fill up his fridge with things you know he will use. Be there unconditionally! that is so powerful to a man... knowing that you are there without demanding anything is very good. When he is ready, there will be only one woman he would go to. The one who had his back.

 

I agree with him. He wants space and I am giving it to him. As far as “no contact” that is not a punishment. I am giving him what he’s asked for. He has my number. He knows that I am here for him if he needs anything because I told him that specifically. But, I’m not putting in any effort at this time for do things like cleaning anything or stocking a fridge because he has not asked for my help. I think women make this mistake. If someone asks you for something, you give it to them. Sometimes they want to figure out their problems on their own. I have his back, but from a distance for now.

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I agree with him. He wants space and I am giving it to him. As far as “no contact” that is not a punishment. I am giving him what he’s asked for. He has my number. He knows that I am here for him if he needs anything because I told him that specifically. But, I’m not putting in any effort at this time for do things like cleaning anything or stocking a fridge because he has not asked for my help. I think women make this mistake. If someone asks you for something, you give it to them. Sometimes they want to figure out their problems on their own. I have his back, but from a distance for now.

 

Sounds exactly right to me.

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This is a sticky situation and I don't know the "right" answer as I am also experiencing this. Some advice (like the one above) will say stick by his side through the hard times and some will say leave him alone to resolve his own issues. I lean towards the give him space option.

 

The problem with being supportive is that you are not his therapist or his mother. If you remain friends you have to set strict boundaries where you can't be "too" supportive to the point where you become a doormat. You will be walking on thin ice while still bonding to him. Mothering is nice for him, but it kills attraction and it'll only give you feelings of resentment since you want more than just friendship. It's too fine of a line to cross and I don't know if you want to risk time and energy for a maybe relationship.

 

Your final decision is logical. However, don't go full NC. If he initiates contact, respond kindly, communicate, just don't give him wifey privileges. I completely agree that if a man is not happy with his career/financial success, he will not be happy to invest 100% into a relationship. Only time will tell if you two really are meant to be. At the end of the day, just focus on your own career goals/passions. Never put your life on hold for anyone. Time is too precious for that.

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Sounds exactly right to me.

 

THANK YOU! I Know my worth. You don’t get the benefits of a relationship without being in one. We have real feelings and a connection with each other. But, I am giving him what he asks for which is space to focus on his issues. I am doing NC because if I am there he can’t miss me.

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THANK YOU! I Know my worth. You don’t get the benefits of a relationship without being in one. We have real feelings and a connection with each other. But, I am giving him what he asks for which is space to focus on his issues. I am doing NC because if I am there he can’t miss me.

 

Well, yes... consider this may be exactly what he wants when IN relationship.

 

FWIW, I am ? with an utter introvert. He is a person who excels at whatever he does, is matter of fact and sometimes harsh, and is a knowledge sponge. He wants and needs to know his SO will leave him alone to focus on his various pursuits. I thought it was a control thing and in a sense it is - but same control as the rest of us: the right to control access to our personal space. My father was similar, we all left him alone. In the end he was lonely, but as long as my mom was alive, that is kind of all he needed - to know she was alive someplace. (Lol)

 

Just a thought to stretch your imagination.

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This is a sticky situation and I don't know the "right" answer as I am also experiencing this. Some advice (like the one above) will say stick by his side through the hard times and some will say leave him alone to resolve his own issues. I lean towards the give him space option.

 

The problem with being supportive is that you are not his therapist or his mother. If you remain friends you have to set strict boundaries where you can't be "too" supportive to the point where you become a doormat. You will be walking on thin ice while still bonding to him. Mothering is nice for him, but it kills attraction and it'll only give you feelings of resentment since you want more than just friendship. It's too fine of a line to cross and I don't know if you want to risk time and energy for a maybe relationship.

 

Your final decision is logical. However, don't go full NC. If he initiates contact, respond kindly, communicate, just don't give him wifey privileges. I completely agree that if a man is not happy with his career/financial success, he will not be happy to invest 100% into a relationship. Only time will tell if you two really are meant to be. At the end of the day, just focus on your own career goals/passions. Never put your life on hold for anyone. Time is too precious for that.

 

THANK YOU! When I say NC, I mean that when he calls, I will be supportive. Now, that doesn’t mean I am going to answer his first call like I don’t have a life or put mine on hold, but I am not resentful. I have my own career and goals for betterment as well that I am working on. Women cannot be too available and you are right I am not his mother or his therapist. He’s asked for space to worth through his issues. I believe the best thing to give someone is what they ask for and it’s a sign of respect and maturity. So NC means I won’t be contacting him. Radio silence.

 

But you don’t get the benefits of a relationship without being in one. It’s all about self worth. I know mine and he will know it too.

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Can you please explain?

 

He may need to know he is free to retreat without judgment, without hurting you. He may require a lot of time alone and he may require that he be trusted to arrive at decisions his own way, on his own timeline, and without discussion.

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He may need to know he is free to retreat without judgment, without hurting you. He may require a lot of time alone and he may require that he be trusted to arrive at decisions his own way, on his own timeline, and without discussion.

 

OK thanks.

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He may need to know he is free to retreat without judgment, without hurting you. He may require a lot of time alone and he may require that he be trusted to arrive at decisions his own way, on his own timeline, and without discussion.

 

Yes that’s fine. If he needs that in the relationship, we can discuss when he calls but since he wanted some space to figure out his business and focus, then he gets it.

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Not exactly analogous to your situation, but this this bet came to mind and I felt like sharing. First minute's the more relevant part, but the rest is pretty golden, too. He's speaking more from a cohabiting angle, but you can extrapolate the concept. Obviously a bit generalized as it can apply to women as well, and doesn't apply to some men, so don't crucify me. RIP Patrice.

 

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