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Thread: My boyfriend has a s***ty friend

  1. #1
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    My boyfriend has a s***ty friend

    Hello to you all! So I have a problem with my boyfriend. We are in the 2nd year of college and share some classes together. Last spring we got together very abruptly,maybe it being our both first relationship played a part in our hurriness. After a little period of time,I noticed that he gets really well with a 3 girls from the 3rd year and especially one of them caught my atttention. With her he talked and joked more that with the others. I also need to mention that he is a really good guy,doesn't have many friends and is introverted.

    One day,I asked him if he ever had some romantic feelings towards her and he answered by yes,but adding that in the same day they started talking,she invited him at her house in order to "see a movie". Afterwards,he continued by saying that she sleeps with lots of guys but apart from that,she is a nice person. So he wanted something serious with her,but after seeing how she is,he lost interest. That's what he told me. I became really jealous,I must say I realised that I have some trust issues but this friendship between them,only intensifes my fears.

    After 3 months of relationship,we broke up,this jealousy of mine playing an important role in it. I never told him not to speak to her,but I acted in an insecure way and lost control of myself often. She posts a lot on facebook,in some pictures is dressed really indecent and he sarcastically comments on a lot of her posts.At the beginning of the new year of university,he came back to me,saying that he wants to continue with our relationship,hoping that we could manage it better this time. But what happened,the same problem appeared.

    In summertime,we didn't talk at all,but they did. She also passed through a bad breakup and she suffered a lot (he told me these things) and they both encouraged each other. He also told me that she played a role in him coming back to me. Anyway,their friendship continued to give me headaches,I became really suspicious and lost my peace of mind. I came up,on a calm tone,to him with this and I told him that I can't get over their friendship and that it is better to break up instead of hurting each other more. I didn't try to manipulate him,but it really hurted me this situation. He then said that he wouldn't talk to her only when they meet at college and that's all. He also didn'g go at her birthday for me.Till that moment to the present,we've managed to remain together.

    I tried to believe all the things he told me. He mentioned that I look better than her anyway,that he anyway realised that it couldn't have worked out between them,and that he wants to be with me. He became really sad because i don't trust him but I don't know. The thing is,me and that girl are at opposite sides. I just wonder how could he remain friend with such a girl whom he considers a s**t He told me that she slept with at least 30 boys but afterwards came in her deffence saying that she chooses to live in the moment but when she likes someone,she remains faithful. It is not my right to judge someone,but it makes me wonder how could he like such a girl and me,who I am totally different.

    I know I have trust issues and jealousy problems,but do you believe it is justified? I really don't know. It appears that he have different values. I care a lot about him but I don't know if this can work. Any opinions,Please?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately one of you will resent the other if you try to be yourselves.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    What's funny is that you haven't actually written an objectively bad thing about this woman, yet you're here calling her a "sl*t." In fact, by your boyfriend's admission, she played a hand in him coming back to you. Him suggesting that she enjoys living in the moment and having plenty of sex when there's no standing commitment isn't a "defense" as there's nothing intrinsically wrong with her lifestyle. Why is he in a position to "defend" her anyhow? Are you trash talking this woman in front of him?

    Look, everyone's got their boundaries. Some people aren't cool with opposite-sex friends that have once been attracted to or considered one another. Fair enough, but you then make the choice not to date that person. You've chosen to stick with this situation, so the responsibility is yours: accept he's got this friend or leave. Sounds like you've gotten pretty bitter, so I don't know how this is at all enjoyable for you.

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    Originally Posted by j.man
    What's funny is that you haven't actually written an objectively bad thing about this woman, yet you're here calling her a "sl*t." In fact, by your boyfriend's admission, she played a hand in him coming back to you. Him suggesting that she enjoys living in the moment and having plenty of sex when there's no standing commitment isn't a "defense" as there's nothing intrinsically wrong with her lifestyle. Why is he in a position to "defend" her anyhow? Are you trash talking this woman in front of him?

    Look, everyone's got their boundaries. Some people aren't cool with opposite-sex friends that have once been attracted to or considered one another. Fair enough, but you then make the choice not to date that person. You've chosen to stick with this situation, so the responsibility is yours: accept he's got this friend or leave. Sounds like you've gotten pretty bitter, so I don't know how this is at all enjoyable for you.
    Well,You're totally right. I do believe her a s**t,but I may not be fair in this. What upsets me is his changing of positions. At the beginning,he stated that her being a s**ty girl was the main reason to not date her,and afterwards told me that it isn't something to be condemned. This freaked me out...

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    Platinum Member rosephase's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Nagisa
    Well,You're totally right. I do believe her a s**t,but I may not be fair in this. What upsets me is his changing of positions. At the beginning,he stated that her being a s**ty girl was the main reason to not date her,and afterwards told me that it isn't something to be condemned. This freaked me out...
    Condemning someone is different then choosing not to date them.
    I wouldn't date a single parent. But I wouldn't condemn them.

    It's very easy to not want some trait or view point in a partner and for it to be just fine in a friend.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Nagisa
    Well,You're totally right. I do believe her a s**t,but I may not be fair in this. What upsets me is his changing of positions. At the beginning,he stated that her being a s**ty girl was the main reason to not date her,and afterwards told me that it isn't something to be condemned. This freaked me out...
    He's 100% right. So why are you condemning her? Or trying to put him into a position to do so?

    There are a million and one life choices other people make that I wouldn't, or things people do that make them not a good romantic fit for me. It's not like I'm floating above them with my angel wings because my way of life is somehow superior. And, really, even if were to go around condemning folks, what has this lady done wrong? Made 30 dudes' night a bit brighter? In my eyes, the lady's a saint. Wish everyone's vices manifested itself in a way that made people feel better rather than, say, seeking to control their romantic partners.

    My sincere hope is that this isn't your natural attitude, and that you're simply putting yourself in a position that makes you more bitter than you otherwise would be. I'd really suggest getting out of this relationship and spend some time single, studying and expanding your network to soak up different people and different lifestyles. University can be an unparalleled experience for that sort of thing. Going around calling women "sl*ts" is, fortunately, a bit dated.

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    You are the one that has the problem! And, shame on you for calling someone, who has done nothing to you, a "sl&t!"

    How are you going to deal with future relationships? Are you going to isolate all of your bfs, and forbid them from interacting with women.

    You need to deal with your issues, and fast!

  9. #8
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    And now look what you've done. You got Holly's blood pressure running.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by j.man
    And now look what you've done. You got Holly's blood pressure running.
    That's right!!!!! :)

    The poor girl even tried to get them back together.

    Op is very insecure and manipulate!

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    You're right..She hadn't done anything to me. I admit,I do have trust issues,but I don't know. I'm always thinking that there must have remained something between them and it hurts me.

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