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Thread: Should I break up?

  1. #1
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    Should I break up?

    This is a long post, forgive me but I feel that the details are important and if I explain everything and more importantly how I feel, I will get better answers.

    I've been with my girlfriend for 10 months now, however we've spent about 4 months in a long distance relationship. I have been struggling for some time now, since before I moved abroad to read for a master's degree. Initially my issue was that while I really liked this girl I wasn't ready for a long distance relationship. The first reason being that I left my home country because I want to study abroad and also live there, without any time constraints (meaning no pressure to go back "home") and that I can welcome any opportunity (career wise) with open arms, while she loves home too much. The second reason being that while I liked this girl, I did not love her, and while this may make me sound like an a** hole, I thought to myself "what if I meet other people that I'd rather be with, even if not for something serious but rather more 'fun'". However I also thought to myself that this girl is really great and when I'm with her I feel happy, so these thoughts are silly and I should grow up.

    That being said the thoughts still remained, I never acted on them, meaning that I never cheated and not even flirted with someone else because I feel that it wouldn't be right. With all this being said, I actually broke up with her before leaving! But we stayed in contact and she even got tickets to visit (bad, I know, but I was still as confused as ever) and about 3 weeks after I was there she said to me that I needed to make a choice, and in what I now feel was a rash decision I said "okay, let's try it". As the days went by I still wondered to myself "Am I putting my dreams at risk?", "Is this what I even want?" but to be honest I was so so busy with my course work that for the most part I had maybe 15mins to think about this while going to University and not more so I kind of put the thoughts aside.

    After speaking to my girlfriend multiple times about this she now said she would move here with me, but only here (I live in Europe, so I wouldn't mind moving to other countries for other jobs, but she would mind). Also, she said that if she's willing to move here for me, then if she gets home sick, she expects me to drop everything and move back to our home country. This to a certain point sounds reasonable (I think) but makes me angry because I never made some type of deal with her that we can try to live here. In fact I left her and said this is what I've wanted to do for a long time (since I was about 16 and I'm 22 today) and I'm going to do it. Plus if I get my masters degree and move back home it would be for nothing because most companies back home only care about experience, while the country I moved to really values people with master's degree. So there is this first commitment issue, I feel that if she comes I would be putting all the work I've done so far and a potentially good future career to waste.

    Then comes the other problem (maybe more childish but still an issue to me), which is... Do I want to move in with my girlfriend of 10 months? My stomach turns when I think about it, because while I really do care for her I still don't feel that I love her and that maybe I never gave myself the chance to try and meet other people while here since I agreed to an LDR after only 3 weeks of arriving here. Again, maybe this makes me sound like an a** hole but I can't help how I feel.

    So you may ask me, with all these feelings why don't you just break up? Well, first of all I find it really hard to break up. The thought of hurting someone else makes me feel very anxious, and she constantly tells me how much she loves me and so I feel it would hurt her a lot. Also, what if it's just in my head? Like I said I really enjoy her company so maybe it wouldn't be as bad as I think (however the career issue would still loom over me)

    And lately I've spoken to her about this and she just said to me "we've been doing LDR for almost 5 months now, don't you dare break up with me now" which made me feel more like crap.

    I feel afraid to commit because of my future career and because I don't really love this girl (but I do care for her) and frankly we haven't been dating for so long (although it seems like we have). I'm afraid to break up because of hurting her, because I'm not even sure if I should break up (again, am I over thinking this?), and because I feel that now that we're here if I break up I would have wasted her time. A bif part of me is just telling me to break up, be free and enjoy myself abroad and be hopeful for the future. Another part is holding me back and making me afraid.

    Sorry for the long post, I feel that it's in the right category and I would appreciate your helpful comments :)

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It's fine to pursue your dreams and keep all your options open. What's not fine is stringing her along.

  3. #3
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    Break up now before it gets worst. This is not a good foundation for a healthy quality relationship. You are educating yourself very well on a masters degree... are you educating yourself on what it takes to have a good relationship? The most important decision in life is your choice of partner.

  4. #4
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    You worked very hard to get where you are now and there are more tons of work to do to finish the program successfully. Breaking up is not easy but dragging this out of guilt can not be an option. She is already putting a limit to your possibilities, and you already said that your body is telling no. Follow your gut feeling. You want a partner who is as curious as you are about your future and cheer you up for taking on an adventure. You know if she fits in your plan or not.

    I am also curious about under what status is she going to live with you in a foreign country? You have a student visa, what is she going to have?

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  6. #5
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    Thank you for your answer :) To answer your question, we're both European, our home country is in the EU and the country I moved to is in the EU. We don't need any type of Visa.

  7. #6
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    It's only ten months, not long enough to know if you're relationship's a keeper even if your aspirations were compatible. You're both very young, and a level of uncertainty about relationships is natural. However, she seems very keen to tie you down - in the nicest possible way - while you're castigating yourself for not wanting something you hadn't asked for in the first place. Part of 'growing up' is self-acceptance and recognising that, right now, you're not available for the kind of commitment that she wants. But you also need to let her know that. Although she's notionally agreed to come and join you, she's put a whole load of conditions in place which would negate the whole object of the exercise in the first place.

    There's nothing AT ALL wrong with your ambitions. You are also likely to change as a person while you broaden your experiences and education, and this will change the dynamics of your relationship. But you can be fairly certain that if you give in to her demands - and, make no mistake, they ARE demands - you will end up jeopardising your future career prospects and come to resent both her and the relationship. This makes the possibility of a breakup even more likely...


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