The difficulty of moving on

Hi Everyone

I'll keep it brief to save you all the drudgery 😅

Met my gf in college, dated LDR (different countries) for 2 and a bit years. Had ups and downs but was both ours first love/relationship etc so had that intensity - traveled a lot together, had some amazing adventures, didn't always have a compatibility in hindsight but the love kept us going plus mutual attraction 😉

I had a major operation last summer and she was due to move to my country (my city actually) - she broke up with me about a week after I came outta hospital and then moved here about four weeks later. Apparently she didn't love me the same way anymore (which felt a little sudden despite the arguments/ ups and downs )

I was angry and frustrated and crushed because I put in a lot of effort and was very supportive but this was my time of need and she left me.

My recovery was about six months so of course this break up has not helped. I couldn't walk for six months and am now going through the process of hardcore physio)

I'm not really over it per se. We've been in limited contact but it's clear she feels guilty and wants to be friends.

So I guess my real question here is should I see her before she leaves the country forever this June ? Or should I let it go because I'm an emotional wreck and need to get my life on track?

I have a fear of regret you guys - she was my best friend and my first love....but that's what makes me an emotional waterfall of mixed feelings and confusion.....oh boy...annnnnd breathe 😅😅

Hello Broke123,

Sorry to hear this happened mate.

The timing of the break was terrible too.

Honestly, go No contact and don't meet up.

You will thank yourself for this in the long run.

Eventually you will meet someone else and be happier.

Best of luck.

Thanks Sputnik (also cool name!)

Anytime.

Chin up and feel free to vent on here whenever you need to :)

Thanks dude - I think what it boils down to for me is that I have a need to control everything in my life - I am not good with situations out of my control... 😳

There's a good quote from a movie something like "why be on a merry go round when you could be on a rollercoaster even tho it's more scary"

Don't like the thought of never seeing someone again who meant so much to me but I am one very emotionally intense human being and would probably just embarrass myself if I saw her by getting emotional - god darn our human nature aye? 😅😅😅

Hi Broke,

You have come to the right place..

Many people here (incl. me) are in the same boat. I was with someone for 3 years.. she messaged to finish it, then seen her once since (in 3 months)

Grab a paddle and we will row away!

Oh no I'm sorry to hear that man - that's awful...

I will row with you - as long as we keep rowing forward I guess we are getting somewhere right?

Forward is the only way to go mate :)

If you see her its going to hurt you. You are going to feel good for about 5 seconds then have 5 months of pain, questions, and its going to bother you. Let me see if I can help

It takes two to make things work. If she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, then its not going to happen. I cant tell you the future and I don't want to give you false hope, but if it was meant to be then it will be. She is the one that has to decide you are the one for her. That means she might have to date other guys. She will probably fall in love with a few guys but its up to her. She might come back or she might not, no one knows but you can not wait around for her. So as Sputnik said, moving forward is the only way to go. Work on your rehab and make you happy. Place yourself in a position that if she ever decides to return, you can have the option of saying okay or no thank you, my life is good.

You don't need your X to make you happy. As you see the sun rises and sets without her in your life. You will be okay if you let her go.

Hey dude, I too am getting currently getting over the loss of my first love and best friend, how much does it suck.

As much as its ridiculously tempting, I wouldn't go and meet her. My ex (about 2 months ago) was asking me to meet up a lot for a few weeks and i'm glad I didnt, as much as it would have been nice to be with her the after thoughts would have been horrendous.

I actually have a friend who broke up with his gf of 3+ years about 7 months, go and meet her for a drink, and about an hour later I got a text saying he felt awful, he said it felt like the breakup all over again.

I 10000% understand the temptation to go and see this girl, it's going to take a lot of will power and self control to not do it, but only you can decide what to do when the time comes.

Hey Sicx,

You doing OK buddy? :)

Broke, he is spot on.. seeing her will only take you backwards! (the wrong way)

Thanks guys- sound advice

It's making me come to the realisation that I shouldn't feel bad if I don't see her again - because the general consensus seems to be the same - it will set me back and I think you all are right.

We will make it through this

Also Sicx - I'm sorry to hear you're suffering the same - it truly is the worst pain - it's worse than any of the operations I've had or pain from my recovery ! Emotional pain takes longer to heal I think

In time we will get there - the first love will always be the hardest to get over but I guess we will become stronger from it as the old cliches go...

Hope you're doing okay buddy - stay strong 💪 post here if you want to talk

Hey Sicx,

 

You doing OK buddy? :)

 

Broke, he is spot on.. seeing her will only take you backwards! (the wrong way)

Also Sicx - I'm sorry to hear you're suffering the same - it truly is the worst pain - it's worse than any of the operations I've had or pain from my recovery ! Emotional pain takes longer to heal I think

In time we will get there - the first love will always be the hardest to get over but I guess we will become stronger from it as the old cliches go...

Hope you're doing okay buddy - stay strong 💪 post here if you want to talk

Hey guys, cheers both for the thoughts!

Sputnik i've not been doing too great over Christmas to be honest, actually been in a real bad place due to boredom & loneliness really.

However now i'm back at work and back into a routine i'm feeling a lot more positive, so hopefully this is a shape of things to come. I still lurk every so often and read your thread dude.

Broke, thank you mate, and 100% agree with you. Seems to catch you completely unaware and when it hits, it takes a lot of will power to get yourself out, like i said to Sputnik it's been really difficult for me recently but I feel i'm getting a little better.

I won't bore you with the details (My thread should be on here somewhere) but I think we have a lot in common regarding our situation. Long story short the past few months i've been in contact (never physical) with my ex and all it did was prologue the pain, as of a few hours after midnight on Jan 1st she's finally blocked on everything, something I should have done 5 months ago. It's not easy, but i'm getting on.

Appreciate the kind words though dude, I think there's a fair few of us on here roughly in the same boat, give or take a few details, and talking about it all does really help. As you say man, stay strong! I'm trying my best and things are slowly getting better

Same boat her with the break up guys. First love, 3 years, dumped by text.

Now I actually met with the ex. I wont go into detail its all on my thread but can wholeheartedly say do not meet your ex. I did, set me back, wish i listened to everyone on here. It just stirs up pain. Appreciate the time you had together then move on.

Broke and sicx hope ypu guys pull through

Hey Sicx,

Sorry to hear about Christmas buddy.. For me, it was all about my kid, but if he wasn't around, I would have been struggling. For most people on here it would be the "first" festive period without their ex, so it would have been a painful time all round.

Plus the fact that emotions are heightened at the time and drink is often involved, many would have been very tempted to break their NC.

Glad to hear that getting back into the routine has got you back on track.

As you know, you are in the right place here though mate, so please don't be a stranger. Keep posting on here, if possible, it really does help to cover your thoughts, rather than reaching out to the ex. Seeing some of the horror stories on here can testify to that.

One thing that is a recurring theme on here though is that progress is often checked, often randomly, with a couple/few of good days, followed by a brutal one, for whatever reason. No real explanation to that!

All in this together peeps :)

Sicx- glad to hear mate - I think routine really is everything - just keep doing what you're doing .. I'm planning on taking up some new hobbies this year and look forward to maybe some holidays -

and Sputnik is right in that there will be good days and bad days but we shouldn't go hard on ourselves , just let the bad ones come and go and keep at it. We really are stronger and more capable than we think we are. This week I am finally walking for the first time in six months - there's still a long way to go but each step is a step forward and towards maybe being able to do some sort of sport in the future - this is my metaphor - each step is one forwards now and as long as we keep going forward we are going the right direction. Sicx, Sputnik and Piaresss we should be proud of ourselves for the progress made and the progress we will make this year.

Piaressss- thanks - I think the consensus on making a clean start is the right way for sure - keeping the past where it belongs and moving forward without her in my life.

2018 is OUR year guys!

So some days are better than others - just venting here rn because I'm not sure where else to go - some days I feel so bleak

It's been six months since she dumped me but it still feels like yesterday and I'm still struggling- can't talk about her without getting emotional-

The reason I'm probably still like this rn is probably because I've been sitting at home without purpose for six months recovering from my operation and limited in what I could do

I start work again next week and looking forward to that but I'm so scared of going back to my old life - it's changed so much...

She's probably moved on now but I've had a lot of time alone stuck so time has moved slowly for me plus she's my first love so it probably takes longer...ugh sometimes I'm so positive and others I get down (again likely a result of loneliness)

I still feel angry about the breakup sometimes but the less I think about her the easier it will get as sad as that is

Anyway if anyone has read all of this I applaud your patience 😅 Just needed to vent and my thread seemed appropriate a place as any

So some days are better than others - just venting here rn because I'm not sure where else to go - some days I feel so bleak

It's been six months since she dumped me but it still feels like yesterday and I'm still struggling- can't talk about her without getting emotional-

The reason I'm probably still like this rn is probably because I've been sitting at home without purpose for six months recovering from my operation and limited in what I could do

I start work again next week and looking forward to that but I'm so scared of going back to my old life - it's changed so much...

She's probably moved on now but I've had a lot of time alone stuck so time has moved slowly for me plus she's my first love so it probably takes longer...ugh sometimes I'm so positive and others I get down (again likely a result of loneliness)

I still feel angry about the breakup sometimes but the less I think about her the easier it will get as sad as that is

Anyway if anyone has read all of this I applaud your patience 😅 Just needed to vent and my thread seemed appropriate a place as any

This is so very heartbreaking! She should have been right by your side through all of this.

Sorry, but she was being very selfish. And here you are six months later , just taking steps?

I hope you make physical progress quickly, and can get back out and be a part of the world again.

I feel your pain. I had major back surgery when I was 19, told not to drive for six months. I was

in bed for two of those, ughhhh. I had a great BF who stuck by me through it all . But after 4 months, I

was like hell no, I'm done. I'm driving! Got in my Audi and started life again. Freedom! Lol

You won't be as lonely once you get back into a normal routine with your life. Having too much time

to think is not good. I'd suggest not seeing her before she leaves because you are hurting too much.

June is still a while away though, you may feel differently in another couple of months.

Hang in there, good luck in your recovery, both physical and emotional.

Oh, I want to add I saw you commented about emotional pain taking longer to heal.

It's so true. I've been on both ends of physical and emotional abuse, and those scars

left from the emotional take forever to heal. The physical pain, easy to get over.

But the mind is a very powerful tool, it can control us if we allow it to. Think positive :)

Hi Sweetgirl

Thanks for your response and well wishes.

Yes she was pretty selfish and has acted selfishly for awhile before we broke up which was actually becoming a problem for me in the relationship. Despite that though I loved her and even flew out to her country to surprise her earlier on in the year.

She said she broke up with me because she didn't love me anymore but I think she must have known this before - and so her timing was brutal ...in actuality she only called me once the whole week I was in hospital - I knew something was up I suppose from that. But even if you don't love someone romantically anymore but supposedly care for them - I don't know but I would have called every day in support - scratch that - I would have been there by her side.

Yes - each day is becoming easier to walk so I will get back to normal eventually - I have a ways to go before being able to run or jump 😅😅😅 but I'm actually looking forward to the hard work because it's the main part of my life at the moment where I can keep making steady progress and it feels like an acheivment.

I'll be moving back to the city soon - about half an hour from where she has also moved to - my mind will try to mess with me on that thought and it will be a challenge to create a new life there - these are things that scare me and I also don't feel like going to the same places anymore in fear of seeing her - which I know is silly but I have terrible anxiety about this 😖

I will try to make a new life now and perhaps take the this chance to go to new places and meet new people.

I guess no one said life would be easy 😅

Thanks for sharing your story , you really learn a lot about yourself and others when you become immobilised and I will be walking away with some life lessons as I'm sure you did at such a young age.

hey Broke,

You shouldn't ever have to feel alone. I hope you know that every one of us is here for you. Many of us can relate to the sort of pain you are going through, and continue to go through.

"So some days are better than others - just venting here rn because I'm not sure where else to go - some days I feel so bleak

It's been six months since she dumped me but it still feels like yesterday and I'm still struggling- can't talk about her without getting emotional-"

This is spot on.. some days you will be basically fine, then the very next day it's like the sky has caved in. That is perfectly natural. If you do get emotional, it's important to let it out.

Your sense of sadness has definitely been heightened due to not being able to get out and about. However, soon you will, and then you will be able to fully grasp all of the wonderful opportunities in front of you.

Getting back to work will also help lend a new perspective on things.

I applaud you on getting this far and I would fully advise you to keep No Contact with her. She doesn't deserve you.

Wishing you all the best on this journey.

Broke.. you think of her because you allow the emotions of a memory get to you. I think most of us if not all of us has been where you are as far as thinking of an X and feeling sad. And when we get like this, we sometimes shine light on what we dont have and we forget about the things you do have. You are alive, you are recovering and you are going to have a nice full life. You have a roof over your head, you dont have to worry about your next meal, you have internet and a way to express what you feel. That is not bad. I know it doesnt cure your broken heart, but what you must see is that you will be happy again. Its going to be with another girl but you will find happiness and you will fall in love again and it could very well happen this year.

I know that its easy to fall back on what is easy. Thoughts of our X. It makes us happy but when reality hits, we are hurt because all that has gone away. I also know the fear that most of us have and that is that (and tell me if you havent thought of this) We will never find that love or happiness again. Thats a fear that rather we look forward to taking on the challenge, we fall back to our thoughts. Its hard to move forward and easy to not do anything and stay where you are mentally. Depressing will always find you if you do nothing. Happiness has to be sought out.

So, take your X off of the pedestal. She is and was not the best youll ever have. There are other people out there that are better than your X. Way way better. You will not only reach that peak of happiness, but you will surpass them and elevate the bar. Look forward, nothing to see whats behind you.

Hi guys

Thanks for the advice

Sputnik - thanks for the support - it definitely helps talking to like minded people who have been through this stuff

Today I am feeling a bit more positive however I am sure there are still some bad days to come as I make some transitions in life..I sometimes on those bad days just need the logic and realistic words to bring me back down to reality

Thanks No. 1 for giving some rational words of advice

Anytime buddy

Up and down for sure, but always forwards, as the man *Carus tells us!

Forwards is where I am aiming to go....however

She messaged me this evening to ask how I was and it totally spun me out man

I was bawling for an hour and then I went out and got drunk ...being drunk and limping is not a good mix 😅

I'm still messed up over this situation man because I think she probably thinks my mum (whose been looking after me through my recovery) has told me not to talk to her again , which is not the case at all btw my mum has encouraged me to keep an open mind but I feel like this is probably what my ex thinks which is stupid cos I shouldn't care what my ex thinks at all

Furthermore the more she keeps messaging me the more I think she will want to meet up with me

But jeez I mean we were ldr for like 2 years and then she broke up with me four weeks before moving here! Of course I am mad at her and I'm not over it so I really can't see her but the more she messages the more I fear she will want to meet up to ease her guilt or whatever

Anyways I still really care about her and I wish I can move on and be done with this awful feelings

Anyways thanks guys for listening - sorry for going on and on ( I have an obsessive personality so I tend to go over things in my head)

Sputnik mate you are truly wise and you are helpful to many on this forum and I am grateful for your help

Anyways sorry for going on and on and on 😅