Strugglin with Long Distance Relationship

Hi there,

Before I begin I'd like to mention that this is the first time I've ever come to a website or someone for advice on a situation like this.

I've been with my girlfriend now for 4 years in a long distance relationship (herein referred to as LDR for ease of life). I'll fly over there occasionally, 3-4 times a year and she'll come over here 2/3 times a year. Most of the time I'll stay for 2 months during the summer just to spend time with her. If anyone here has had a LDR before, you'll know that it puts alot of strain on the relationship, trust and everything else.

Heading back to around 4 months ago, I was in such a desperate state of missing her that I ended up blaming her for all the problems we had, pushing her away and eventually ignoring her due to the strong intense feelings I was having at the time. This was not helped by close friends who frequently reinforced this behaviour, telling me that I should leave her constantly, I believe this is because they didn't understand the girl from my point of view. I guess you could say that I left her, she was in a state, telling me that everything was okay and it was just the distance causing this behaviour and she was right... but i was shrouded by the idea of not having to feel the pain of a LDR anymore. Skip forward a month and the pain I felt was unbearable. I couldn't go to university, I couldn't see friends and I was panicking daily about what I had done. I spoke to her... she took me back but now the real problems have come up.

She doesn't trust me anymore. She saw that I added a work colleague on facebook and to this day still believes that I liked her, I wanted to be with her and even thinks that I'd slept with her but this is not true, it's a forum, I am telling the truth here. I didn't meet up with this girl after work, I messaged her on facebook a couple times to go to the store before work but that's all, she was just a friend, had a boyfriend even. This comes up in conversation often along with other made up excuses that seem to come into her head. Now, I've admitted to her that I ed up by ignoring her, not talking to her and pushing her away... this really hurt her during this time and she's even gone and told her close friends and family... let's just say they don;t like me anymore, hell, her mother doesn't even want me to come and visit her (I am flying there in February to see her, I've had to dish out on a hotel).

there's so much more to this story it's almost hard to type it all... TL;DR my girlfriend doesnt trust me anymore, thinks I've cheated on her and doesn't believe she'll ever forgive me yet wants to be with me, loves me and wants to spend her life with me... what do I do? I love her alot.

If she doesn't believe you and is never planning on forgiving you, you should leave.

Why did you push her away in the first place? What changed that makes you think you won't do it again? Do you have plans to not be long distance in the future?

It doesn't sound like either of you know what you want. Or rather you simply want to be out of pain (breaking up is painful, loneliness is painful... that doesn't actually mean your relationship is/was working or worth while) and she wants to blame you, not work on forgiving you and for some reason keep you in her life. None of that sounds healthy.

Yes, pushing her away was definitely the wrong move. It can't be undone. All you can do now is apologize, give her time to talk to/see you without pushing her away, reassure her you're not cheating and hopefully she'll slowly build trust in you again.

Honestly, LDR is HARD and 4 years is A LOT...I mean, A LOT. If possible you need to talk about living close to one another. I personally know of 2 couples (1 married, the other engaged) who did an LDR for about a year or so before 1 relocated. A time frame for relocation is crucial (in my opinion) for an LDR. Everything is always in limbo and uncertain otherwise. Yes, there can be love and Skype calls and visits, but it's hard to feel solid about the relationship, ever, whether it's 4 months or 4 years.

I do not think you are cut out for this relationship because there have been probably many many opportunities for you two to move to each other's city. Four years a long time. Don't you think you would be better off just cutting her off.

I have a lot of experience with Long Distance Relationships. I was dating someone for 6 months and we both had to go back to our respective cities at the end of our six month internships in London. He left and went back to Ohio and I left and went back to Texas. We stayed in touch through Instant Messenger and then in April, the split was in December, In February I applied and got 4 interviews in his city. I flew there for Valentine's day and then I got offered 3 out of the 4 jobs. I accepted and moved to be with him and was there in April. I made sacrifices, my parents had just recently divorced and my sister was extremely depressed. After being away for 6 months and finding out that I was going to move again in April she got really down and dissapointed. I was also really down and dissapointed and running away was my way of getting closure and therapy for my parent's divorce. Looking back, it probably was not the best decision because although we stayed together for 7 years we ultimately broke up.

There are always reasons for Long Distance relationships that there is a reason you can't connect with someone in your own city. Im not saying that that is wrong but I just ask you to look inside and find out why you have been stringing each other along for 4 years. Do you really love her, is she the one?

How did you meet? How did you end up being long distance?

I had another long distance relationship and this one was only an hour away. He is currently my boyfriend and he moved to my city to be with me. Stop playing games and carrying this on for so long you have got to find a way to either break it off and move on or decide she is the one and you really love her and you want a future with her. If you make that decision you are going to have to really make it a goal to be together unless you just want to be long distance for the rest of your life.