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Thread: Does it have to be like that?

  1. #1
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    Does it have to be like that?

    Do all relationships have to be slighly emotionally abusive?

    Ones with family, friends, colleagues.

    Is it possible to have these without people being mean on purpose, just to hurt you, from time to time? Intentionally hurting or belittling? Doing something mean just to show someone their place ot teach them a lesson? Or taking it out on them without apologizing later?

    Is it possible to be close to someone and not do that passive agressive thing at all?

    Every time that happens, I feel like just leaving. In a relationship, in family, at work.

    People normally just let it go. But should I let it go, if I pay the price in my health?

    I don't like myself too if I do that. I try to apologize and hope it's enough. But in every place there are people who don't do that.

    How to deal with it? I can't stop caring.

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    You have to keep toxic people at bay.

    If you are feeling constantly belittled and thinking they hurt you purposely, why put up with it?
    Not everyone does it purposely. There's the old saying "we hurt the ones we love the most".
    You need to realize the difference between constructive criticism and flat out insults.
    Sometimes those who care say something we know we don't want to hear, and we get defensive.
    Some are nice, sugar coat things, and some are more abrasive in their approach.
    If you watch those people and their relationships and interactions with others, you'll get a better
    feel and understanding of if its just how they are , or if they are indeed attacking you.

    You can't expect everyone to apologize either. Pride and ego can get in the way.
    Some people are so certain they are right, they won't ever understand how you feel, or how
    they make you feel.

    General rule, if you feel bad being around someone, limit your contact and conversation with them.
    Learn who can be trusted vs those who needle you for information just to hurt you with it.

  3. #3
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    Divorce toxic people from your life.

    You will have fewer people, and then you will find you have more people.

  4. #4
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    Originally Posted by LHGirl
    Divorce toxic people from your life.

    You will have fewer people, and then you will find you have more people.
    TRUTH ^^^^^^^
    Is not about quantity, but quality. Lesser can be more:D

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by LHGirl
    Divorce toxic people from your life.

    You will have fewer people, and then you will find you have more people.
    Yes and also be careful not to too broadly define "emotional abuse" - as an excuse not to deal with any conflict/disagreement -yes and even occasional voice-raising - in a healthy relationship. You're entitled to your standards and also look inward as to whether you're overreacting or being hypersensitive, etc.

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    Originally Posted by firelily
    Is it possible to have these without people being mean on purpose, just to hurt you, from time to time? Intentionally hurting or belittling? Doing something mean just to show someone their place ot teach them a lesson? Or taking it out on them without apologizing later?
    The first time someone intentionally hurts or belittles you, it's on them. The second time, it's on you. The third time....well, there should be no third time.

    I have walked out on more "friendships" than I can count due to behavior like this. Someone makes a mean comment, a little jab, designed to be "funny", but it's honestly cruel. So you say something to them, and they just shrug, and then later on, they make another one.

    At one point, I found myself with no friends, in my 30's, as I let go of so many of these people.. I was divorced, no kids, and all alone. An amazing thing happened....the more of these belittling friends I let go of, the more nice, warm friends I made. The switch happened when I decided that I was too good for that garbage. And you are too.

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    Originally Posted by LHGirl
    Divorce toxic people from your life.

    You will have fewer people, and then you will find you have more people.
    YES!!!! This is what I was going to say. My mother was a pain in the butt passive aggressive annoying person and I cut her out of my life in order to save myself. Hard to do, but was the right decision.

    No not everyone is like that, of course not. I surround myself with people who dont cause drama or chaos in my life.

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    Thanks for your wise words so far.

    I differenciate between toxic people and "normal" people. With toxic people, I know they have a problem with ego, I know they should be avoided as much as possible. I don't keep friendships with people like that.

    What I mean is something that always happens, sooner or later. I have not been in a work environment without someone who shouted at me or made me feel intentionally stressed or hindered my work out of spite - at least from time to time. Pr bring coffee to everyone but me, on purpose. With my parents, everything was fine, until they said stuff like "I wish we had children - they would have thought about peeling the potatoes for dinner!". With my boyfriend, when I got upset and cried, it made him cold and angry, and he shouted at me to stop crying. When someone acts not nice, I get angry but I also internalize it. So I cry at toilets at different jobs, to go into zombie mode for the rest of the day and I feel like resigning on the spot. I don't do it, but then I regret it. I feel like packing bags and leaving dear ones, because I wouldn't like to get emotional coldness or cruelty, even from time to time. But I don't think there are people who don't do that - if we get close enough to someone, if tou spend enough time with them. So am I supposed to be alone? When I was eight, I cried a lot because of teachers saying something mean (not constructive criticism, but showing dislike), some abusive peers, parents... I thought it will change, but I'm thirty, I will never be thick-skinned, and people are imperfect like that everywhere. I'm sure I acted this way too. I'm not sure if having people around is worth the stress that is hard to bear for my body.

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    Sometimes crying can be manipulative or seem like that - did you cry or get upset often in front of your boyfriend? Why? Did you expect him to stay and comfort you every time? Yes you do need a thick skin for most jobs. Are you willing to work on tourccooong and self soothing skills? I had a mentor for ten years who could be quite harsh. But it was worth it to roll with the punches so to speak because I learned so much from him and I owe a lot of my success to him. No one should be mean and on the other hand it can be frustrating to walk on egg shells too much especially in close personal or professional relationships. I donít run to my son every time he is upset from an interaction with another child. I let him work it out if possible and watch from a distance to make sure he is safe especially physically. Been doing that for years and had to change from being too interventionist.
    So look internally and see if your interactions and your way of approaching criticism are effective and if perhaps your reactions frustrate people. No one should be intentionally mean and no one is an angel in the face of repeated crying at the drop of a hat. If that is the situation.

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    Firelily, appears you are just a very sensitive and emotional person.
    You can more look to coping mechanisms to deal with it, but you know, embrace who you are.
    It's said our personalities are formed by the time we are 3, if I recall this correctly, but being
    overly sensitive will make you feel as if you are insulted, left out, etc.
    I used to be that way until I had some hard life issues. Then I got a pretty tough skin. A lot is about picking and choosing
    your battles too. Some things are best let go of, while others require a response or action.

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