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Thread: One year on from being suicidal and Iím still alone

  1. #1
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    One year on from being suicidal and Iím still alone

    Iím a 37 year old female and I can only describe how I feel as cursed. All I have ever wanted is to meet someone, settle down and have a family. Apparantly Iím very attractive with lots of qualities, but I sit here now - on New Yearís Eve - once again alone after a year of yet more heartbreak. I have had a string of long term relationships, but none of them have ever worked out and life is now unbearable for me.
    This time a year ago, I was taken to hospital for threatening suicide after a turbulent relationship resulted in him finishing with me. Within a few months, I met someone else and for the first time in my entire life I was happy. He actually treated me better than I couldíve possibly imagined. I then became pregnant, but at the sane time my ex told me he wanted me back. I took a month off work as I battled with the decision to have an abortion, because I could not let go of my ex. Once I had the abortion, he dropped me yet again. So I tried to make a go of it with my aborted babyís father (J) who I truly believed loved me. Two months ago, he finished with me. I feel like I have lost everything - both of the men who were in my life, and my late chance at motherhood. Last night I asked to see J and he agreed. We had sex and I hoped that I would see the new year in together and that we would be back together. I was wrong, because he threw me out this morning. I also have to work with this man.
    Iíve tried every bit of advice that I can think of - time alone, anti-depressants, counselling, exercise, seeing friends, looking for love online, you name it. But NOTHING WORKS. Out of the last 365 days, I have only been happy for about 30 of them. People tell me to be positive, but things always go wrong again! I just want a normal, adult life. I should be married with children, Iím a good person who deserves to be happy. But everyone I meet thinks Iím worthless. My life is nothing but endless torture. I am so damaged beyond repair, and no-one respects my belief that things will not get better. Every year, they get worse. All i do is go to work, then go home where I live with my mum and cry in my room. Iím going to die in this same predicament, it canít come soon enough. Can anyone relate?
    Last edited by Ammeharas; 12-31-2017 at 03:05 PM. Reason: Typo

  2. #2
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    Sounds like you've been through a lot on the emotional front.

    Best thing would be to take time out from relationships right now. Keep yourself as physically healthy as you can, good diet , fresh air and exercise.

    Time heals, but you must be proactive in healing. Make your priority you and your own health, then someone will come who is also making their priority their health and well being. It happens when your not needing it anymore.

    Enjoy the time you have to yourself, its a blessing!

  3. #3
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    Thank you for taking the time to reply, it is much appreciated.
    But I have tried what youíve said, Iíve tried it all. Iím going out of my mind, and being the age that I am and wanting children so badly, Iím petrified. Also where I live, there are no decent eligible men left. Online is no better. I want to run away or end my life, but I havenít the strength to do either. Iím so stuck. Stuck in hell

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    Hi Amme,

    I can feel the pain that you feel through the words that you write, you're absolutely right to feel the way that you do - I would feel exactly the same in your circumstances that's for sure, what a rough time..

    One thing I would say to you, is screw being positive - when things are tough and you're hurting and feel alone and hopeless, the best thing that you can do is say that out loud and admit that, allow yourself to feel it and accept where you are right now. Sometimes life is crappy and hurts like hell, we're all in this and go through similar things and we hurt in the same ways to the same degrees. You're absolutely not alone in feeling like this.

    Listen, I can totally hear you when you feel that there's something wrong with you, that you're a good person and that you should be at a certain place in your life with things that you'd envisioned for yourself and it hasn't happened, and you feel like a failure and that you're not good enough. I can hear that's where you are.

    I know for a fact, just from my life experience, the experience of my friends, my family, people I talk to online, hell, just the world in general that there are millions of people who feel like you do, who don't know what to or where to start - I've been suicidal in my past, depressed, anxious, not felt good enough, wondered why nothing ever works out for me, why my life doesn't look like everyone else's, I do understand where you're coming from even though I haven't experienced in life the exact same things that you've experienced.

    It's ok to be in pain, it's ok to be angry, frustrated, desperate, don't push it away - the worst thing that we can do when we feel like this is to reject that part of ourselves that is hurting, and needs to be heard, loved, given compassion and understanding - if you do this you reject the truth of yourself right now, which has probably happened to you a ton in the past, so don't do that to yourself now.

    You've had a year with a lot of grief, the loss of relationships, the loss of a child - allow yourself to grieve, it's ok to cry, shout, scream, whatever you need to do to express it. If you need to emotionally vomit on this forum, go for it.

    You can absolutely deal with these issues, but I do feel that right now you need to approve of where you are right now and allow yourself to feel it and process it, because those overwhelming emotions need to come out.

    Find anyway to express it in a way that feels right to you, whether that's writing, boxing, crying, curling up in a ball on your bed for hours, seeing a trusted friend who most importantly can just be with you when you're in pain without trying to change how you feel.

    There is an exercise you can do to be with your emotions which is powerful and will allow you to start to be with them, you can do this sitting, or lying down, anywhere you feel comfortable.

    First just breathe deeply, you probably won't feel perfectly calm but just try to reach as close to a point of ease as you can, don't attach any expectation to what you should be feeling or doing, or any idea of what state you need to be in, just breathe.

    Close your eyes and tilt your head, focus on the emotions that you're feeling and where in your body they are, just feel them out, you may feel physical sensations and/or emotional sensations, whatever comes just allow yourself to feel.

    If you feel your head coming up just tilt it down again, the point of this is to be with your feelings, not to think about them (as much as possible, you can think as much as you like after this).

    When you're with your emotions try to identify any shape, texture, temperature, colour, that you might perceive - this will allow you to go deeper into that emotion. Remember, don't try to change it, just be with it.

    When you're ready you can ask what it is that your emotions need - this may be just your presence, or your love and comfort, or anything else - you will know what's right for you. Often if you're going through super turbulent emotion presence is all that's needed, but see how you feel and go with what feels right. .

    You may find this takes you through experiences or memories that you have, just allow it to take you where you need to go, with the focus on unconditional presence.

    Stay with this for as long as you need to, and revisit it whenever you like - get comfortable with the uncomfortableness of being with your pain, this is the most loving thing that you can do for yourself.

    After you've done this you may want to cry, write, walk, talk to someone - go with what feels as loving and comfortable as you can manage at this time.

    This is just a first step to learn the art of being with yourself and the pain that you feel - give it a try if it sounds like something that might help you and please come back and write if you need to.

    I hope something in there has helped you at least feel not quite so alone.

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by Ammeharas
    Thank you for taking the time to reply, it is much appreciated.
    But I have tried what youíve said, Iíve tried it all. Iím going out of my mind, and being the age that I am and wanting children so badly, Iím petrified. Also where I live, there are no decent eligible men left. Online is no better. I want to run away or end my life, but I havenít the strength to do either. Iím so stuck. Stuck in hell
    I know its not an easy answer, but you have to keep trying. Success will come then, its a guarantee.

    You should be feeling better from regular exercise, if not then I'd check what exercise your doing and whether the trainer/gym is for you.
    Check yoga, pilates also. Or if your a very energetic person, martial arts.

    They key is to get yourself better first. Spend sometime focusing on that, then see what happens.

  7. #6
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    I think the biggest hurdle to finding happiness is ... you. You made a terrible life decision. You had a man and a baby on the way and you sabotaged all that. You're the one that is making you unhappy. You have to understand your self-destructive behaviors and learn to deal with them. You should find a good professional to guide you through this. You can Google this for more information on how to deal with this.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by Ammeharas
    Can anyone relate?
    I can relate with wanting someone, being alone, and suicide but that's where the similarities end.

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    Yes, I sabotaged it. I sabotaged having a baby for a man who had treated me appallingly for 2 years! I know Iíve made the biggest mistake of my life having the abortion, the pain and hurt is my chest constantly and I fantasise about being able to go back in time and do it differently.
    As for J, heís adamant that the reason he finished with me was not because of me, but because he just didnít want to be in a relationship anymore. Thatís not an answer, but then I think if Iíd had the baby then things would be different and maybe he wouldnít have left? We both battled with the decision to have the abortion, me more so than him but I was worried that by keeping the baby I would lose my ex, and J was worried that if I had the abortion heíd lose me (due to the effect on my mental health). That didnít happen, I really tried to make the relationship work after the abortion. I tried to forget my ex, and be grateful for J. It was as soon as I started to feel happier in the relationship, that he finished with me out of the blue. When he finished with me, it made the abortion regret so much worse because weíd had plans to move in together in the new year, and have a child together properly. I canít believe Iíve lost him! The only man who ever made me feel secure. Iím a nice person, attractive, funny, intelligent and loving. But I fall by the wayside every time. The fact that Iím back here once again, makes me feel like I will end up here forever. It hurts when people imply this is my fault, how is it? When all Iíve ever strived for is a partner and children.
    If itís not my fault, how can I be so unlucky? Iím terrified that this bad luck is now stuck to me.

  10. #9
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    Sorry you are going through this. Try to relax your partner/baby stress. Desperation will make you feel down and plunge you into one bad decision after the next. It not about fault or luck, it's about making decisions that are sound in the long term and not so heavily emotionally driven.
    Originally Posted by Ammeharas
    Yes, I sabotaged it. all Iíve ever strived for is a partner and children.If itís not my fault, how can I be so unlucky?

  11. #10
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    I probably shouldnít ask this, but the only decision I made last year was to have the abortion. Did I make a mistake?? I do regret it, but I try and tell myself that I did do the right thing, because the father turned out to treat me so awfully. There were warning signs, for example he has a drugs habit, can be very socially inappropriate and is not allowed to see his 9 year old son unless supervised by the courts. But this did not contribute to my decision, because I always want to see the good in people. He mightíve been very different if weíd had the baby. And how many babies are brought into the world in not the ideal circumstances? I wouldíve loved my baby, and been an amazing mother. Iíve has no control over the men who have wronged me, but I did have control over being pregnant. Iíve tried counselling since, but now that Iím on my own again my regret is worse because Iíve been left with nothing. I feel like Iíve made the hugest mistake, and I canít move on from it. Friends have told me that I made the right decision at the time, but I disagree. I didnít want to hurt myself, but I have! How can I forgive myself?

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