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Thread: Does it have to be like that?

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    I never wrote that I thought you were manipulative. Katrina's advice is spot on.
    What about it was spot on in your opinion?

  2. #22
    Platinum Member journeynow's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by firelily
    The only thing that helps is alcohol. So after this one incident, my ex-boyfriend actually encouraged me to drink when I started crying... it's not that I wanted, it's the only thing that stopped this circle of me crying - someone getting angry - me crying even more - someone getting even more angry etc. - if that thing isn't the other person showing a small drop of compassion and care. Or giving me real space. It's... ugh. I wish so bad I could live a life with some years without experiencing this cycle at all.
    Do this: give yourself a boundary around crying. Tell yourself it is ok to cry as long as you are doing something physical at the same time that's not drinking. When you are not in an emotional place make yourself a list of things to do WHEN you cry. I did this after my break up. A friend suggested it around anger, find physical things to do when you are angry, but I wasn't angry I was sad, very sad. So when the tears came I'd let them AND I'd go dig in the dirt, or clear brush, or vacuum, or move boulders, or any physical hard work. It helped immensely as I needed both the emotional release and physicality. In retrospect, I guess I needed the physical grounding. I'd get focused in the physical activity, the Here And Now of it, and soon realize the tears were over and the emotions dissipated. I highly highly recommend it. (I would fall in the very sensitive category, too sensitive to read the HSP book, though I tried... :-) )

    So it's ok to cry if you really feel you need to, but add doing something physical or constructive WHILE you cry. Experiment with it and see. (You'll be impressed with how much you accomplish, and THAT's an ego boost in itself.)

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by firelily
    What about it was spot on in your opinion?
    All of it -the advice about how to work on how you react to being thin skinned and I am sure her book recommendation is right on target too. And I do agree that taking everything personally at some point is quite self-centered. But not saying you are self-centered just agreeing with her opinion. I am a fan of building a thicker skin in certain situations as well as "grit". I also liked Journeynow's advice.

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by journeynow
    Do this: give yourself a boundary around crying. Tell yourself it is ok to cry as long as you are doing something physical at the same time that's not drinking. When you are not in an emotional place make yourself a list of things to do WHEN you cry. I did this after my break up. A friend suggested it around anger, find physical things to do when you are angry, but I wasn't angry I was sad, very sad. So when the tears came I'd let them AND I'd go dig in the dirt, or clear brush, or vacuum, or move boulders, or any physical hard work. It helped immensely as I needed both the emotional release and physicality. In retrospect, I guess I needed the physical grounding. I'd get focused in the physical activity, the Here And Now of it, and soon realize the tears were over and the emotions dissipated. I highly highly recommend it. (I would fall in the very sensitive category, too sensitive to read the HSP book, though I tried... :-) )

    So it's ok to cry if you really feel you need to, but add doing something physical or constructive WHILE you cry. Experiment with it and see. (You'll be impressed with how much you accomplish, and THAT's an ego boost in itself.)
    Thank you for that advice! I think it might be useful for my crying-alone sessions. For crying-because-of-argument-with-someone sessions I think what I need is some space and calm or some supportive gesture :) You know, I normally find ways to calm myself down, the problem is when I'm trapped with someone who is sort of adding fuel to fire, so these normal mechanisms can't be worked with.

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by SweetGirl28
    It's very difficult to deal with a partner who is not as sensitive nor emotional as you are.
    It's also very difficult to deal with one who is even more emotional than you.
    Just like with your friends, it drains you. There has to be a balance reached.
    And he should have known that yelling at you would increase the tears, right?
    Men just don't think sometimes, they just want it to stop in whatever way possible.
    Yes, spot on :)

    Originally Posted by SweetGirl28
    It would be better to have a partner who walks away when your crying than to be yelled at.
    Ideally, you want one that doesn't run, and works through it with you.
    I think you could be calmed if you were made to feel safe and secure.
    If you hold onto these past instances, the next time someone yells at you, it's going to trigger
    the same emotional response in you.

    Have you tried therapy? There are support groups, empowerment groups that help you learn
    how to handle and deal with your emotions effectively. I learned it on my own after constantly
    being told I was overly sensitive. I thought long and hard about it, and realized it all stemmed from
    my mother who was extremely emotionally and verbally abusive to me. Constant put downs, not
    being good enough, told I had no brains and guys used me for my body(which was all bs because how did
    I become a nurse? How did I have one relationship from 16-22 , if I was those things?
    Think back to past experiences that may have emotionally scarred you, that are triggering these
    feelings and actions within you. If you find and deal with the source, you can overcome all of this.
    I think the source of it is in me. My parents weren't perfect, but they absolutely weren't terrible. I remember feeling emotionally devastated as a 3-5 year old, when I did something wrong, or ridden with guilt when my mom sang to me that all the fishes in the lake are asleep and all the stars in the sky are too but I'm not asleep :) Now I'm smarter than this, but this is to say, I think I might be this way not due to some abusive settings worth finding, but just born this way.

    Originally Posted by SweetGirl28
    You are a nice person(from what I've seen here) who deserves a healthy relationship , which should
    not be denied to yourself out of fear of how you will be treated.
    I was just wondering, if, taking into account my sensitivity, I can have realistic expectations of someone being caring enough so that I wouldn't feel like packing on a regular basis. I do fear that "what I'm able to put up with" and "what is realistically possible" are exclusive concepts.

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by firelily
    I was just wondering, if, taking into account my sensitivity, I can have realistic expectations of someone being caring enough so that I wouldn't feel like packing on a regular basis. I do fear that "what I'm able to put up with" and "what is realistically possible" are exclusive concepts
    I think this is a very vague way of putting it, and makes it more difficult for you to navigate as a result. "Caring enough" is vague. I think it is better to define what behavior is helpful, from others, and from yourself.

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by firelily
    For crying-because-of-argument-with-someone sessions I think what I need is some space and calm or some supportive gesture :) You know, I normally find ways to calm myself down, the problem is when I'm trapped with someone who is sort of adding fuel to fire, so these normal mechanisms can't be worked with.
    How are you trapped, actually? How are they adding fuel? Does this happen often?

    I imagine it's rare? If you are in an argument, supportive gestures can go both ways, right? Can you cry and offer support to your partner who is going through their own feelings that are different than yours? They may need a different sort of support than you do, can you do that? Can you look at the bigger picture?

  9. #28
    Platinum Member journeynow's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by firelily
    I remember feeling emotionally devastated as a 3-5 year old, when I did something wrong, or ridden with guilt when my mom sang to me that all the fishes in the lake are asleep and all the stars in the sky are too but I'm not asleep
    I'm just curious, do you know if you (or your family) experienced some sort of trauma or loss when you were an infant?

  10. #29
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    Originally Posted by journeynow
    I'm just curious, do you know if you (or your family) experienced some sort of trauma or loss when you were an infant?
    No, I had a really good childhood! That's the thing. A second child in a solid family and a wanted one, no abandonment, no trauma, no nothing.

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    Can you watch horror movies? lol

    I cannot (although I will if necessary with bfs or friends), but have nightmares afterwards.

    I can't ride roller coasters either (more nightmares) and try as I might, I simply cannot relate to metal.

    Hell I am more sensitive than you and I overcame many of the issues you are dealing with now, so there's hope! :D
    I can't watch emotionally engaging violence or distress (so Game of Thrones stuff is hard), but I'm totally fine with "funny violence" as in Mortal Combat games, or most games really, I like Kill Bill, etc.

    So I'm not really a HSP, but I share some core characteristics.

    Thank you for the hope!

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