One year on from being suicidal and I’m still alone

I’m a 37 year old female and I can only describe how I feel as cursed. All I have ever wanted is to meet someone, settle down and have a family. Apparantly I’m very attractive with lots of qualities, but I sit here now - on New Year’s Eve - once again alone after a year of yet more heartbreak. I have had a string of long term relationships, but none of them have ever worked out and life is now unbearable for me.

This time a year ago, I was taken to hospital for threatening suicide after a turbulent relationship resulted in him finishing with me. Within a few months, I met someone else and for the first time in my entire life I was happy. He actually treated me better than I could’ve possibly imagined. I then became pregnant, but at the sane time my ex told me he wanted me back. I took a month off work as I battled with the decision to have an abortion, because I could not let go of my ex. Once I had the abortion, he dropped me yet again. So I tried to make a go of it with my aborted baby’s father (J) who I truly believed loved me. Two months ago, he finished with me. I feel like I have lost everything - both of the men who were in my life, and my late chance at motherhood. Last night I asked to see J and he agreed. We had sex and I hoped that I would see the new year in together and that we would be back together. I was wrong, because he threw me out this morning. I also have to work with this man.

I’ve tried every bit of advice that I can think of - time alone, anti-depressants, counselling, exercise, seeing friends, looking for love online, you name it. But NOTHING WORKS. Out of the last 365 days, I have only been happy for about 30 of them. People tell me to be positive, but things always go wrong again! I just want a normal, adult life. I should be married with children, I’m a good person who deserves to be happy. But everyone I meet thinks I’m worthless. My life is nothing but endless torture. I am so damaged beyond repair, and no-one respects my belief that things will not get better. Every year, they get worse. All i do is go to work, then go home where I live with my mum and cry in my room. I’m going to die in this same predicament, it can’t come soon enough. Can anyone relate?

Sounds like you've been through a lot on the emotional front.

Best thing would be to take time out from relationships right now. Keep yourself as physically healthy as you can, good diet , fresh air and exercise.

Time heals, but you must be proactive in healing. Make your priority you and your own health, then someone will come who is also making their priority their health and well being. It happens when your not needing it anymore.

Enjoy the time you have to yourself, its a blessing!

Thank you for taking the time to reply, it is much appreciated.

But I have tried what you’ve said, I’ve tried it all. I’m going out of my mind, and being the age that I am and wanting children so badly, I’m petrified. Also where I live, there are no decent eligible men left. Online is no better. I want to run away or end my life, but I haven’t the strength to do either. I’m so stuck. Stuck in hell

Hi Amme,

I can feel the pain that you feel through the words that you write, you're absolutely right to feel the way that you do - I would feel exactly the same in your circumstances that's for sure, what a rough time..

One thing I would say to you, is screw being positive - when things are tough and you're hurting and feel alone and hopeless, the best thing that you can do is say that out loud and admit that, allow yourself to feel it and accept where you are right now. Sometimes life is crappy and hurts like hell, we're all in this and go through similar things and we hurt in the same ways to the same degrees. You're absolutely not alone in feeling like this.

Listen, I can totally hear you when you feel that there's something wrong with you, that you're a good person and that you should be at a certain place in your life with things that you'd envisioned for yourself and it hasn't happened, and you feel like a failure and that you're not good enough. I can hear that's where you are.

I know for a fact, just from my life experience, the experience of my friends, my family, people I talk to online, hell, just the world in general that there are millions of people who feel like you do, who don't know what to or where to start - I've been suicidal in my past, depressed, anxious, not felt good enough, wondered why nothing ever works out for me, why my life doesn't look like everyone else's, I do understand where you're coming from even though I haven't experienced in life the exact same things that you've experienced.

It's ok to be in pain, it's ok to be angry, frustrated, desperate, don't push it away - the worst thing that we can do when we feel like this is to reject that part of ourselves that is hurting, and needs to be heard, loved, given compassion and understanding - if you do this you reject the truth of yourself right now, which has probably happened to you a ton in the past, so don't do that to yourself now.

You've had a year with a lot of grief, the loss of relationships, the loss of a child - allow yourself to grieve, it's ok to cry, shout, scream, whatever you need to do to express it. If you need to emotionally vomit on this forum, go for it.

You can absolutely deal with these issues, but I do feel that right now you need to approve of where you are right now and allow yourself to feel it and process it, because those overwhelming emotions need to come out.

Find anyway to express it in a way that feels right to you, whether that's writing, boxing, crying, curling up in a ball on your bed for hours, seeing a trusted friend who most importantly can just be with you when you're in pain without trying to change how you feel.

There is an exercise you can do to be with your emotions which is powerful and will allow you to start to be with them, you can do this sitting, or lying down, anywhere you feel comfortable.

First just breathe deeply, you probably won't feel perfectly calm but just try to reach as close to a point of ease as you can, don't attach any expectation to what you should be feeling or doing, or any idea of what state you need to be in, just breathe.

Close your eyes and tilt your head, focus on the emotions that you're feeling and where in your body they are, just feel them out, you may feel physical sensations and/or emotional sensations, whatever comes just allow yourself to feel.

If you feel your head coming up just tilt it down again, the point of this is to be with your feelings, not to think about them (as much as possible, you can think as much as you like after this).

When you're with your emotions try to identify any shape, texture, temperature, colour, that you might perceive - this will allow you to go deeper into that emotion. Remember, don't try to change it, just be with it.

When you're ready you can ask what it is that your emotions need - this may be just your presence, or your love and comfort, or anything else - you will know what's right for you. Often if you're going through super turbulent emotion presence is all that's needed, but see how you feel and go with what feels right. .

You may find this takes you through experiences or memories that you have, just allow it to take you where you need to go, with the focus on unconditional presence.

Stay with this for as long as you need to, and revisit it whenever you like - get comfortable with the uncomfortableness of being with your pain, this is the most loving thing that you can do for yourself.

After you've done this you may want to cry, write, walk, talk to someone - go with what feels as loving and comfortable as you can manage at this time.

This is just a first step to learn the art of being with yourself and the pain that you feel - give it a try if it sounds like something that might help you and please come back and write if you need to.

I hope something in there has helped you at least feel not quite so alone.

Thank you for taking the time to reply, it is much appreciated.

But I have tried what you’ve said, I’ve tried it all. I’m going out of my mind, and being the age that I am and wanting children so badly, I’m petrified. Also where I live, there are no decent eligible men left. Online is no better. I want to run away or end my life, but I haven’t the strength to do either. I’m so stuck. Stuck in hell

I know its not an easy answer, but you have to keep trying. Success will come then, its a guarantee.

You should be feeling better from regular exercise, if not then I'd check what exercise your doing and whether the trainer/gym is for you.

Check yoga, pilates also. Or if your a very energetic person, martial arts.

They key is to get yourself better first. Spend sometime focusing on that, then see what happens.

I think the biggest hurdle to finding happiness is ... you. You made a terrible life decision. You had a man and a baby on the way and you sabotaged all that. You're the one that is making you unhappy. You have to understand your self-destructive behaviors and learn to deal with them. You should find a good professional to guide you through this. You can Google this for more information on how to deal with this.

Can anyone relate?

Yes, I sabotaged it. I sabotaged having a baby for a man who had treated me appallingly for 2 years! I know I’ve made the biggest mistake of my life having the abortion, the pain and hurt is my chest constantly and I fantasise about being able to go back in time and do it differently.

As for J, he’s adamant that the reason he finished with me was not because of me, but because he just didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore. That’s not an answer, but then I think if I’d had the baby then things would be different and maybe he wouldn’t have left? We both battled with the decision to have the abortion, me more so than him but I was worried that by keeping the baby I would lose my ex, and J was worried that if I had the abortion he’d lose me (due to the effect on my mental health). That didn’t happen, I really tried to make the relationship work after the abortion. I tried to forget my ex, and be grateful for J. It was as soon as I started to feel happier in the relationship, that he finished with me out of the blue. When he finished with me, it made the abortion regret so much worse because we’d had plans to move in together in the new year, and have a child together properly. I can’t believe I’ve lost him! The only man who ever made me feel secure. I’m a nice person, attractive, funny, intelligent and loving. But I fall by the wayside every time. The fact that I’m back here once again, makes me feel like I will end up here forever. It hurts when people imply this is my fault, how is it? When all I’ve ever strived for is a partner and children.

If it’s not my fault, how can I be so unlucky? I’m terrified that this bad luck is now stuck to me.

Sorry you are going through this. Try to relax your partner/baby stress. Desperation will make you feel down and plunge you into one bad decision after the next. It not about fault or luck, it's about making decisions that are sound in the long term and not so heavily emotionally driven.

Yes, I sabotaged it. all I’ve ever strived for is a partner and children.If it’s not my fault, how can I be so unlucky?

I probably shouldn’t ask this, but the only decision I made last year was to have the abortion. Did I make a mistake?? I do regret it, but I try and tell myself that I did do the right thing, because the father turned out to treat me so awfully. There were warning signs, for example he has a drugs habit, can be very socially inappropriate and is not allowed to see his 9 year old son unless supervised by the courts. But this did not contribute to my decision, because I always want to see the good in people. He might’ve been very different if we’d had the baby. And how many babies are brought into the world in not the ideal circumstances? I would’ve loved my baby, and been an amazing mother. I’ve has no control over the men who have wronged me, but I did have control over being pregnant. I’ve tried counselling since, but now that I’m on my own again my regret is worse because I’ve been left with nothing. I feel like I’ve made the hugest mistake, and I can’t move on from it. Friends have told me that I made the right decision at the time, but I disagree. I didn’t want to hurt myself, but I have! How can I forgive myself?

The first ex was the father, not the second one who treated you well?

I'm confused, sorry :(

You need to get professional help again to deal with your feelings.

Until you reach acceptance and put the guilt aside, you will make another poor choice of a partner.

And sleeping with your ex isn't going to make him commit to you again. Sorry he kicked you out, but

if you keep going back to that, you aren't going to heal at all.

Now is the time to reflect, accept, and learn to deal with your emotions and guilt, while you are single.

If you can do this successfully, you have a better chance of attracting a suitable partner.

No the first ex who treated me badly was not the father. The second ex was the father, and he treated me really well until he finished with me out of the blue 2 months ago, with no real explanation. He has been nothing but closed and shut-off since. I would’ve been giving birth any time around now, and I would’ve been able to hold our baby in my arms. This is the first mistake I feel like I’ve ever actively made in my life, and it’s killing me inside. I want him back, for several reasons. Firstly I want him, secondly I want to have a baby with him, and thirdly there are no men left where I live! We had a good night before we had sex, and I wanted to remind him that I used to make him happy, but he has such ego and pride that I don’t think he could ever admit to himself let alone nevor anyone else, that he’s made a mistake by letting me go. He’s not desperate for a child like I am, he doesn’t need me. He has his own home, friends and has been married and a father before. I’m so worried about my biological clock, I can’t believe I have been so stupid! If that was my only chance, then I pray I die soon. I really really hate that I’m back here, and I hate what I’ve done. It’s not a decision I made lightly, i agonised over it for a month. But I was still incredibly stupid 😞

Unfortunately relationships and family are a mutual agreement, it's not about 'what you want'. There are men around but obsessing to move things forward and have kids quickly will drive many away. Sadly, if you are suicidal and unhappy, a relationship, no less a child is a responsibility you can't handle right now and also no guarantee this or that will make you happy. Many antidepressants also treat obsessional issues.

Firstly I want him, secondly I want to have a baby with him, and thirdly there are no men left where I live!

No the first ex who treated me badly was not the father. The second ex was the father, and he treated me really well until he finished with me out of the blue 2 months ago, with no real explanation. He has been nothing but closed and shut-off since. I would’ve been giving birth any time around now, and I would’ve been able to hold our baby in my arms. This is the first mistake I feel like I’ve ever actively made in my life, and it’s killing me inside. I want him back, for several reasons. Firstly I want him, secondly I want to have a baby with him, and thirdly there are no men left where I live! We had a good night before we had sex, and I wanted to remind him that I used to make him happy, but he has such ego and pride that I don’t think he could ever admit to himself let alone nevor anyone else, that he’s made a mistake by letting me go. He’s not desperate for a child like I am, he doesn’t need me. He has his own home, friends and has been married and a father before. I’m so worried about my biological clock, I can’t believe I have been so stupid! If that was my only chance, then I pray I die soon. I really really hate that I’m back here, and I hate what I’ve done. It’s not a decision I made lightly, i agonised over it for a month. But I was still incredibly stupid 😞

I feel your pain in your words as I read them, however it's the guilt more so than the actual regret

that you are feeling, as your ex broke up with you. Had he not done so, you would feel quite content

with what you had, right? You've now had a triple loss--- the first ex, the pregnancy, the second ex.

And feel completely alone. But listen, you need to be alone right now. Running to your ex trying to have

him comfort you, make you feel secure, safe, loved...not going to happen. Not by sex, not by attempting to

show him how wonderful and loving and great you can be. How old is he? Understand even though

he may not be very vocal in his emotions, the abortion most likely weighs on his mind also.

Especially since it's the time of when the baby would be born.

You can't undo your decision, nor the subsequent pain and emotions that have followed, but you can

help yourself to deal with them effectively. If you lose this man forever, you have to be accepting of it and

not carry self blame forever. Mistakes are for learning and evolving, and hopefully never repeating.

There are men left where you live! Just none that might appeal to you because you want the ex.

In all honesty, by having sex with your ex, are you hoping to get pregnant again and have another chance?

Because that is not smart, you can get pregnant again, and it will be a temporary ease of pain for you,

until that bandaid slowly gets ripped off because until all the emotions are dealt with and handled in a healthy

manner, you won't get past this.

Take time for you, and find a support group to help you.

You must forgive yourself first.

Yes, I sabotaged it. I sabotaged having a baby for a man who had treated me appallingly for 2 years! I know I’ve made the biggest mistake of my life having the abortion, the pain and hurt is my chest constantly and I fantasise about being able to go back in time and do it differently.

"So I tried to make a go of it with my aborted baby’s father (J) who I truly believed loved me."

I think if I'm correct, she aborted the baby with ex#2 so that she could go back to original ex#1, so she "sabotaged" having a baby to be able to get back with ex#1.

Is that correct, OP?

In any event, here's the thing: you admittedly say you were suicidal one year ago, and you've spent this year bouncing between 2 guys: ex#1 who treats you horribly, and ex#2 with whom you got pregnant and chose to abort.

How did you "get pregnant"? Pregnancy doesn't just "happen". Were you using contraceptive? A condom? Did you "really" take your pill every day, or did you guys "accidentally" skip a condom? Or, did you subconsciously get pregnant on purpose, hoping it would bind ex#2 to you, or bring ex#1 back to you?

I'm not trying to beat you up, as I realize you're hurting. But answering these questions can help dig yourself out of this situation.

Are you in therapy? I think if you're not, it's something you should be doing, and possibly elevating to medication.

I'm not saying this to be hurtful, I'm saying it because if you don't get a hold of this situation, you will never find the happiness you're looking for.

A great course of action for you right now would be to forget about all of these guys and work on yourself. Your answer doesn't lie in these guys, or your aborted baby, but in yourself. I promise.

Yes that’s correct, LHGirl. Having the abortion was a way of me leaving my options open one last time with ex#1, rather than embracing what would’ve been the start of a new life for me. My decision to abort is made more stupid by the fact that I wasn’t using contraception! I was playing with fire, enjoying the idea that becoming pregnant was a possibility, at the same time thinking I wouldn’t be so lucky as to become pregnant. That said, I did use the morning after pill (at the 72 hour stage) then had sex again a few days later, it was after this time that I missed my period. Although I was shocked when I tested positive, I felt fairly happy. But it was the very next day that ex#1 told me he wanted me back, and from then on I was in a state. Fast forward 4 weeks and I had the abortion. But because I told ex#1 that I was pregnant, he changed his mind about wanting me back, as he felt I’d been ‘tampered’ with!! Even though he had finished with me (last New Year’s Eve no less). So I tried to make a go of it with ex#2, which I felt happy and confident doing, and trying to take it slowly.

To make me feel worse, a week or so after ex#2 finished with me, I found out from a friend that ex#1 had gone back to his ex! I was surprised, because we were still in contact. When I confronted him he said he’d gone back to his ex as revenge for me getting pregnant with ex#2 (he didn’t know that I was still in a relationship with ex#1, I didn’t want him knowing any of my business again). He also told me that he’s since had a vasectomy! Which makes my reason for having the abortion even more pointless. Even if he contacts me again, I will never, ever speak to him again. But ex#2, I do want him back! He sent me a happy new year text this morning, so could there be hope? Now that I have closure with ex#1, I’m ready to give my heart fully to ex#2. But I still don’t even understand the reasons for him finishing with me, which makes it harder to know what my chances are of a reconciliation and how best to approach the matter. I don’t want anyone else, not nor or in the future!

Yes that’s correct, LHGirl. Having the abortion was a way of me leaving my options open one last time with ex#1, rather than embracing what would’ve been the start of a new life for me. My decision to abort is made more stupid by the fact that I wasn’t using contraception! I was playing with fire, enjoying the idea that becoming pregnant was a possibility, at the same time thinking I wouldn’t be so lucky as to become pregnant. That said, I did use the morning after pill (at the 72 hour stage) then had sex again a few days later, it was after this time that I missed my period. Although I was shocked when I tested positive, I felt fairly happy. But it was the very next day that ex#1 told me he wanted me back, and from then on I was in a state. Fast forward 4 weeks and I had the abortion. But because I told ex#1 that I was pregnant, he changed his mind about wanting me back, as he felt I’d been ‘tampered’ with!! Even though he had finished with me (last New Year’s Eve no less). So I tried to make a go of it with ex#2, which I felt happy and confident doing, and trying to take it slowly.

 

To make me feel worse, a week or so after ex#2 finished with me, I found out from a friend that ex#1 had gone back to his ex! I was surprised, because we were still in contact. When I confronted him he said he’d gone back to his ex as revenge for me getting pregnant with ex#2 (he didn’t know that I was still in a relationship with ex#1, I didn’t want him knowing any of my business again). He also told me that he’s since had a vasectomy! Which makes my reason for having the abortion even more pointless. Even if he contacts me again, I will never, ever speak to him again. But ex#2, I do want him back! He sent me a happy new year text this morning, so could there be hope? Now that I have closure with ex#1, I’m ready to give my heart fully to ex#2. But I still don’t even understand the reasons for him finishing with me, which makes it harder to know what my chances are of a reconciliation and how best to approach the matter. I don’t want anyone else, not nor or in the future!

I had to read this a couple of times to get it straight. I'm a reality show junkie, and this story gives those shows a run for their money.

The only thing I got from it is this: I stand by my original advice. Forget about both of these guys and work on yourself.

This isn't about whether ex#1 is back with his ex, or ex#2 will take you back. This is about you, and your insecurities and fear of being alone.

Don't post here in December of 2018 saying you've wasted yet another year on these guys.

Work on yourself, and then, you'll be able to find a nice, great guy to share your new, great self with, and all of this drama will be something you'll shake your head about. You can get past this.

I know it’s messed up, the crazy thing is that my posts on here are the short versions! More bad stuff went on in my life before I met either of these men. It’s taken me a year to get over ex#1, I hope it doesn’t take me a year to get over ex#2 (even though I pray that I don’t have to).

All I’ve ever done in life is try to be happy, I’ve never hurt anyone (that I’m aware of) other than myself of course by having the abortion. It’s a heartache like no other.

I really appreciate people for reading my posts and replying, it helps me to get it all out. I have even considered writing, but I don’t know how to go about it. Do soap operas pay for ideas? 🙈😔

Did you reply to ex #2's new year text?

I'm thinking he's okay with you and might reconcile, or he's using you for sex.

Which is ironic since he got you pregnant once before.

If I were you(I hate uncertainty) I'd flat out ask him what he wants.

If he says he doesn't want a relationship, you need to walk away, as much as it hurts.

And you still in the meantime need to get professional help to overcome your thoughts and feelings.

Don't waste any time hoping and trying, know where you stand and have the confidence to walk away if need be.

And do not, under any circumstances, ever be in contact with ex number 1 again!

I’m going to reply tonight, I’m just building upto it because the thought is making me really anxious. I’d like to think that he’s not using me for sex, A. Because we work for the same company and have to see each other at work occasionally, B. Because he told me when he broke up with me that he felt relieved that I hadn’t got pregnant by him again and C. Because he knows that I want him back and knows that I want a baby, so it would be so very cruel if he was to use me. Unless of course he thinks that I also want a no-strings arrangement (he’d be a fool to think this).

I was really hoping last night that he’d invite me back round to his to have new year with him and his friends, I know his friends would’ve welcomed me. So perhaps if he does want to reconcile he wants to do it gently, or he’s just not sure.

So you’re right I do need to ask him outright, but I am way too scared to.

When I first started seeing him last March, it took him a week to ask me out after sleeping with him for the first time!

I would do anything to turn back time and not have the abortion, but that’s not possible. So now I will do anything to get ex#2 back if there is a chance. I want nothing more to do with ex#1! After all, he has an ex-wife who he’s still practically in a relationship with, and a total of 5 children between them! She was poisonous towards me and he allowed it continue, the effects of this I carried into my relationship with ex#2! I don’t understand how people can be so cruel and vile to others.

Shall I mention/ask in the text about seeing him again? He might be in a bad mood today because he would’ve taken drugs last night 😔 He’s 40 by the way!

Yikes!!! Hold up! I missed this prior---- ex number 2 is on drugs??

Please, please run from this! Do not contact him.

There is no future outcome that will be good from possibly getting pregnant again by him.

So many things can go wrong here.

Now I change what I told you--- don't reply. Let this go.

.

When I first started seeing him last March, it took him a week to ask me out after sleeping with him for the first time!

He might be in a bad mood today because he would’ve taken drugs last night

Seriously? You had sex with him before you even ever had a date with him, and you know him to be a drug user? He's a 40 year-old loser, and you have allowed yourself to be pulled in.

And now you want to reconcile?

Please, I'm begging you to get some help for your extremely low self-esteem. I will bet that you will be back here, 6 months from now, crying at why he used you yet again.

I’d known him through work for 6 months, then I went to his boxing class one night which he runs on the side, he invited me back to his and we had sex. A week later we had a more official date and soon after that he was doting on me!

He always gave the impression he was really healthy, then I discovered he regularly smoked weed and does cocaine at the weekends... He even told me the other night when I asked him what was in his box on the coffee table, that he had MDMA in there!!

So he’s not an addict, but how bad is it that he is a recreational (habitual?) user? He’s not addicted so he could stop, but is his habit enough to affect him emotionally? Is this really enough of a reason to tell myself that I don’t want to be with him? I think lots of professional people probably do this, even though I wouldn’t myself. I can’t say for sure but I can’t imagine he took drugs much when he was married and living with his child... It could be dodgy that his wife ran off and made him go through court to get access, but that would only be an assumption!

I haven’t replied yet...

would you say his drug usage justifies me having the abortion at all?