Going on a ‘break’

My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 months and it has been great. Nothing but good memories were made and I was excited to see where we were going to go in the future - although we had never discussed this topic as a couple.

However, around a week ago my boyfriend suddenly freaked out and said he wasn’t sure if he was ‘ready’ for a serious relationship but he knew he loved me and that he didn’t want to lose me.

During this conversation, we were both crying our eyes out, he started crying first and told me I was his best friend and he was so sorry. It hurt being told that he wasn’t certain he was ready for me but I remained supportive because he can’t helo how he feels and I would never want to make someone feel bad for feeling a certain way.

So now we’re on a break and I’m giving him time to think and space. This is one of the hardest things I’ve ever been through. When we talked about how we would handle the break he said that he still wanted to talk to me and he didn’t want it to be the end for us, he just has something wrong going on in his brain that keeps on telling him to ‘RUN!!!’, even though he doesn’t want to.

I’m finding this so hard as I have a feeling that when we meet up in a weeks time to talk about it, it’s goinh to be all over for us. I’ve told him I don’t want to break up and that I think we’re good together so I don’t know what else I can do.

In all honesty, I want to just go round to his house, sit him down and tell him that he needs to trust me that I’m not going to hurt him and that he needs to push these thoughts away and believe in us, because I really believe he could do if he stopped worrying so much. Is this a good idea? I don’t want to look like a fool.

Also I asked him if this was just a way of him trying to break up with me in a ‘nice way’ and he said of course not! And when I asked if we were breaking up or on a break he said that he wanted it to be neither, he just needs time to think.

The last thing I want to do is push him away as I do believe that we could be great together. Has alnuone else had a partner who has been afraid to commitment? Did you manage to get them to commit eventually? How did you do it? What should I do?

Sorry to hear this. What do you mean 'afraid of commitment'? Were you exclusive? Is there a recent ex or someone new he's considering?

Go full no contact. He IS breaking up and wants to demote you to fwb. Good relationships don't need 'breaks'.

When we talked about how we would handle the break he said that he still wanted to talk to me and he didn’t want it to be the end for us, he just has something wrong going on in his brain that keeps on telling him to ‘RUN!!!’

Wiseman is right; a good relationship doesn't generally need a break. It's usually not conducive to long-term success.

And no, it's not a good idea to sit him down and tell him to trust you. He already knows he should, so there is really no need to tell him this. You should never need to campaign for someone's commitment. He intellectually knows you're a good woman, and the problem isn't you. Him hearing that he should and can trust you won't fix this. You're doing the right thing by stepping back and giving him space, because you need space from him now too. Think carefully about whether you really want to put up with this.

My experience with these types of guys is that they date a lot and break a lot of hearts, to be honest. They might not be bad guys, at the end of the day, but they're not good relationship material. Some grow and change and feel more ready to settle down later in life. Others do return to the woman they broke up with, but the same problems tend to crop up and the cycle repeats. There are a lot of personal variables at work, so I have some questions: How old is he, and what's his dating and relationship history like?

He wants a break, does he? Maintain your dignity and tell him to take all the time and space he needs.

Then do a disappearing act. He will either come back or not. Taking a break is usually a break up,

used to soften the blow of saying "I want out, this isn't working anymore".

You will push him completely away if you chase him. There is no way to make someone commit to you.

If there was, no one would be single, lol. It does not mean you are not great, or a wonderful gf, or

not good enough, it just means he doesn't see you as being right for him. And that's okay.

I'm sorry op frusterating isn't it? The term break I feel is a cowardly way of him trying to have his cake and eat it too. He wants to keep you waiting in anguish while he decides if he wants you?? I think not OP! You need to not have anymore to do with him. Don't talk to him do the invisible act. Also in a genuine break you don't still talk on the phone. If he needs a break then show him all the space you can possibly give!

He's not a bad guy OP don't get me wrong, he's just not a good enough guy to be honest and tell you he wants to break up instead of leaving you in the dark.

Lisa

I agree with the others. Do not chase him. Give him his space. He knows you love him and want to be with him. If the plan is to meet up in a weeks time, I would ghost him until then. If he contacts you, I would say, see you in a week, hope all is well. I wouldn't engage him in conversation.

Some people are indeed commitment-phobes, and that's just the way it is. I don't know your boyfriend's age, but he could very well be one.

I have been in an on/off relationship with a man who can't do commitment for many years now, and he is old enough to know that this is who he is, and will never change. He admits it himself. It's not that he necessarily wants to be with a multitude of women, it's just the notion of commitment, of having to do things, that is giving him the heebie-jeebies. As long as he feels he has his freedom and is not expected to do certain things (which he perceives as chores), he's fine and gives you all the attention you want. Tell him that you expect him to do X, Y or Z...poof! he's distanced himself.

Now your guy sounds younger so he may not be a true commitment phobe. Provided there is nobody else in his life that he wants to pursue, it is possible that he just got cold feet when the relationship started to feel too real to him. Maybe he is truly not ready to take things to the next level. Some people do freak out when they feel a relationship has gone too deep, even if they have strong feelings for their partner. Or especially if they do have strong feelings for their partner.

He asked for space, the best thing to do is give it to him. Do not chase him and do not try to convince him of anything, it would only push him further away. I don't think you should break up with him; but I do think you should use this time to pamper yourself, do things for yourself, and try to take your mind off him and the relationship as much as possible (yes I know it's easier said than done). Let him come to you, I cannot stress this enough. That's the only way you will know how he really feels about you. And in the grand scheme of things, waiting a few weeks until you have your conversation is not all that long, especially if you use this time to better yourself. There will be plenty of time to date others and move on.

You should never need to campaign for someone's commitment.

Go full no contact. He IS breaking up and wants to demote you to fwb. Good relationships don't need 'breaks'.

Think carefully about whether you really want to put up with this.

Good advice here ^.

He wants the freedom to do whatever he wants while keeping you on the hook and feeling like a good guy.

I wouldn't put up with that. Buh-bye.

He’s only had one girlfriend before. They dated from when he was 15-17 and he said it was a very intense, co-dependent relationship. It ended when he broke it off as it was too emotionally draining and he said she was emotionally abusive. He told me that after that break up he was sad for ages and his greatest fear is going through it again.

There is nobody else that he wants to Pursue and I know that for a fact. He is not the type of guy to date around or ‘play’ people. He says that he really likes me and he needs help to stop this insecurity of being hurt again but he doesn’t know what to do about it

I have the same feeling that he might just want to break up but I’m not ready to give up on him yet, I might be a hopeless romantic but I do believe we could be something great. His family love me, and mine love him. We’re best friends.

The issue is though he has specified time and time again that this is NOT a breakup and he doesn’t want to break up, saying that he doesn’t want this to be ‘the end of us’ but he does have emotional issues to work through.

Now you’ve heard this what are your opinions? Thank you to everyone who has replied, it means a lot.

He’s only had one girlfriend before. They dated from when he was 15-17 and he said it was a very intense, co-dependent relationship. It ended when he broke it off as it was too emotionally draining and he said she was emotionally abusive. He told me that after that break up he was sad for ages and his greatest fear is going through it again.

There is nobody else that he wants to Pursue and I know that for a fact. He is not the type of guy to date around or ‘play’ people. He says that he really likes me and he needs help to stop this insecurity of being hurt again but he doesn’t know what to do about it

I have the same feeling that he might just want to break up but I’m not ready to give up on him yet, I might be a hopeless romantic but I do believe we could be something great. His family love me, and mine love him. We’re best friends.

The issue is though he has specified time and time again that this is NOT a breakup and he doesn’t want to break up, saying that he doesn’t want this to be ‘the end of us’ but he does have emotional issues to work through.

Now you’ve heard this what are your opinions? Thank you to everyone who has replied, it means a lot.

The only thing I'll add after reading this, is that unless he helps himself with his supposed insecurity of being hurt

again, there's no future here. Suggest to him he get therapy to overcome this.

Just because one person hurts us, doesn't mean we enter another relationship with the fear that they will do

us dirty also. That is not only emotionally immature, but unhealthy. Unless he can leave his past baggage behind,

he won't be a good partner.

I stand by what I said earlier-----give him all the space he needs. If you stay there being his emotional crutch,

nothing is going to change.

He wants a break, does he? Maintain your dignity and tell him to take all the time and space he needs.

Then do a disappearing act. He will either come back or not. Taking a break is usually a break up,

used to soften the blow of saying "I want out, this isn't working anymore".

 

You will push him completely away if you chase him. There is no way to make someone commit to you.

If there was, no one would be single, lol. It does not mean you are not great, or a wonderful gf, or

not good enough,

 

----

 

***it just means he doesn't see you as being right for him. And that's okay.

^If you know anything about commitment fears which I do as my own brother has been struggling with these fears/issues for YEARS, it actually means the exact opposite.

OP, he 'does' think you are right for him, perhaps too right, which is precisely what 'scares' him!

If you were not 'right' for him, he'd have no fear or anxiety at all, because he has a built-in reason to not commit to you -- you're not right for each other.

It's when a woman IS right is when the fear kicks in, because when a woman is right, the next logical step is commitment, which is something he is trying to avoid!

That said, agree with others, go no contact. Let him feel the loss. Let him experience what it's like to not have you in his life at all, even as just a friend.

If he misses you hard enough, perhaps he'd be ready to explore his issues and make some changes, but it's a big risk for you because commitment fears run very deep and take a very long time to resolve.

If it were me, I would wish him well and walk away as painful as that would be.

Because remaining in his life, in any capacity, will be even more painful.

He will miss you, beg for you to take him back, probably crying while doing do, you will take him back, after which he will "freak out" again, rinse repeat.

I know a woman who went though this with her BF for seven years, it literally destroyed her emotionally.

Best of luck whatever you decide though, when you love someone so much, it's really hard to walk away but it's so necessary for your own emotional health and well being.

Take care of you. Let him take care of himself and get the help needs.

He knows something is "wrong" with his thinking, he admitted it. So let him deal with it. You are not his therapist or worse, his mother. Please remember that as you take steps to extricate yourself and move forward.

He’s only had one girlfriend before. They dated from when he was 15-17 and he said it was a very intense, co-dependent relationship. It ended when he broke it off as it was too emotionally draining and he said she was emotionally abusive. He told me that after that break up he was sad for ages and his greatest fear is going through it again.

There is nobody else that he wants to Pursue and I know that for a fact. He is not the type of guy to date around or ‘play’ people. He says that he really likes me and he needs help to stop this insecurity of being hurt again but he doesn’t know what to do about it

I have the same feeling that he might just want to break up but I’m not ready to give up on him yet, I might be a hopeless romantic but I do believe we could be something great. His family love me, and mine love him. We’re best friends.

The issue is though he has specified time and time again that this is NOT a breakup and he doesn’t want to break up, saying that he doesn’t want this to be ‘the end of us’ but he does have emotional issues to work through.

Now you’ve heard this what are your opinions? Thank you to everyone who has replied, it means a lot.

The only thing I'll add after reading this, is that unless he helps himself with his supposed insecurity of being hurt

again, there's no future here. Suggest to him he get therapy to overcome this.

Just because one person hurts us, doesn't mean we enter another relationship with the fear that they will do

us dirty also. That is not only emotionally immature, but unhealthy. Unless he can leave his past baggage behind,

he won't be a good partner.

I stand by what I said earlier-----give him all the space he needs. If you stay there being his emotional crutch,

nothing is going to change.

^ I agree with this^

Let's just be blunt here, if the guy knows he still loves you and doesn't want to seperate and just needs to 'figure things out' there would be no need for these dramatics, you aren't married and cohabiting, you're boyfriend and girlfriend and from the sounds of it, extremely young, he can get his space by simply saying 'I need some time for myself'. He didn't 'have' to break up with you, that's bull. Dramatics for dramatics sake and like another poster pointed out, you stick in this ride you're going to be the one emotionally damaged.

Another blunt point, let's say he really and truly panics to the point that he 'has' to break up with you, isn't that incredibly selfish? I mean let's be real here, he knows he was hurt, he knows he still has that baggage, why the hell would he drag you onto the roller coaster?

I think you're romanticizing something that can literally destroy you emotionally and inturn ruin you for any future potential partners, you're gonna do what you're gonna do and I have a sinking feeling it's going to be continuing to romanticize this dudes behavior, so my only advice is tread lightly and at the very least do as others have said and step back for a while.

ETA: I really gotta get better at checking past posts when post like this occur, I swear there is always more to it.You are 17 and this is so unhealthy! Please stop this dramatic cycle, if you two can't have a normal teenage relationship, you should get out, these are terrible relationship habits to learn.

However, the other night he suddenly messaged me in a blind panic about fears of me going to university. We had spoken briefly about his ex-girlfriend, who he was with for 2 years and broke up a year before he and I started to date, but that night he explained exactly how it broke him and how desperately sad he was when they broke up. He said that he doesn’t know what he wants from our relationship and he fears that he’s going to return back to that sad state when I leave for university. It was horrible and it lasted for 2 days. At one point I was practically begging for him to break up with me as I couldn’t handle the idea that I was causing him this much stress and that I didn’t know where I stood with him. After a long talk I managed to get through to him; I explained that I’m not even going far away for university and how I might not even be going this year. Most importantly, i made it clear that I am not his ex-girlfriend. (When I asked if he still had feelings for her he said a firm No). He seemed happy with what I said and he seemed positive about our future, looking at it more optimistically and saying about how much he likes me

This isn't romantic.

OP, agree with figureitout, none of this is romantic, hardly!

And the more you try to "help" him, the more he will resent you, you will push him further away.

Please trust me on that; speaking from my own experience and also seeing it through the eyes of my brother and how he responds when women try to "help" him and/or attempt to get him to "see the light" and how "good it could be."

Not!!! Doing these things will cause him even more anxiety!!

He is not afraid of getting hurt, that's just a bs excuse he tells himself (and you); what he fears is commitment, what it means, represents, who knows why, it could be many reasons.

My guess would be since there was so much emotional drama in his last RL, he associates "relationships" with emotional drama that drains him, turns him off, so he avoids. Or perhaps he simply can't deal with his own emotions, he is only 17 after all.

He may not understand it himself, since he told you he knows something is "wrong" and needs time to figure it out, for the love of * just give him that time to work through it ALONE.

The more you push, the harder he will run.

Don't do it!!

He wants a break, does he? Maintain your dignity and tell him to take all the time and space he needs.

Then do a disappearing act. He will either come back or not. Taking a break is usually a break up,

used to soften the blow of saying "I want out, this isn't working anymore".

 

You will push him completely away if you chase him. There is no way to make someone commit to you.

If there was, no one would be single, lol. It does not mean you are not great, or a wonderful gf, or

not good enough, it just means he doesn't see you as being right for him. And that's okay.

Pretty much the answer I would give.

He does not want to be w/you and I'll you now, he is not worth your effort. I had 2 guys do this to me and when I noticed things were off, they claimed not to be ready, I deserved better and some other classical excuses. I pushed hard for the truth from them because they weren't telling me what they really felt. That pushed them farther away and I would have saved myself so much emotional drama. Walk away, move on and find someone who isn't gonna excuses or ask for breaks.

He’s only had one girlfriend before. They dated from when he was 15-17 and he said it was a very intense, co-dependent relationship. It ended when he broke it off as it was too emotionally draining and he said she was emotionally abusive. He told me that after that break up he was sad for ages and his greatest fear is going through it again.

There is nobody else that he wants to Pursue and I know that for a fact. He is not the type of guy to date around or ‘play’ people. He says that he really likes me and he needs help to stop this insecurity of being hurt again but he doesn’t know what to do about it

I have the same feeling that he might just want to break up but I’m not ready to give up on him yet, I might be a hopeless romantic but I do believe we could be something great. His family love me, and mine love him. We’re best friends.

The issue is though he has specified time and time again that this is NOT a breakup and he doesn’t want to break up, saying that he doesn’t want this to be ‘the end of us’ but he does have emotional issues to work through.

Now you’ve heard this what are your opinions? Thank you to everyone who has replied, it means a lot.

If you enjoy making excuses for, and acting as a crutch for someone, then this is the relationship for you. I don't enjoy that sort of thing, but everyone is different. To each her own.

He’s only had one girlfriend before. They dated from when he was 15-17 and he said it was a very intense, co-dependent relationship. It ended when he broke it off as it was too emotionally draining and he said she was emotionally abusive. He told me that after that break up he was sad for ages and his greatest fear is going through it again.

There is nobody else that he wants to Pursue and I know that for a fact. He is not the type of guy to date around or ‘play’ people. He says that he really likes me and he needs help to stop this insecurity of being hurt again but he doesn’t know what to do about it

I have the same feeling that he might just want to break up but I’m not ready to give up on him yet, I might be a hopeless romantic but I do believe we could be something great. His family love me, and mine love him. We’re best friends.

The issue is though he has specified time and time again that this is NOT a breakup and he doesn’t want to break up, saying that he doesn’t want this to be ‘the end of us’ but he does have emotional issues to work through.

Now you’ve heard this what are your opinions? Thank you to everyone who has replied, it means a lot.

Everyone has had difficult relationships and most people are still able to have a good relationship afterwards w/out being afraid. Before I met my bf, I dated a guy who was very co dependent. I broke that off very quickly, but I got into a relationship w/my bf soon afterwards because I really connected w/him. If you really like someone, there isn't going to be anything that'll stop you.

Sorry to hear this. What do you mean 'afraid of commitment'? Were you exclusive? Is there a recent ex or someone new he's considering?

 

Go full no contact. He IS breaking up and wants to demote you to fwb. Good relationships don't need 'breaks'.

I agree. You can give him space if you want too, but it sounds like he's going to go. That little voice in his head that says "Run" isn't a very good sign.