I don't know what to do

I left home at the age of 17 things just didn't work out college didn't work the military didn't work certain jobs only lasted 3 yrs at a time me and my ex didn't work put me out for times in this last year of just over it I lost everything I tried to come back and see my mom and she goes your not that smart your stupid you the one that left home you should be better where you are if you come here I won't receive you and I'm thinking about just saying gone don't I been trying to see her for three years and its always a reason she doesn't want to see me but it's always my fault last time I was there she got mad because I wanted some fresh air and told me if I leave not to come back and I would be locked out I was visiting her from Seattle she lives in illinois I'm in illinois visiting friends tried to see her three holidays she's said no everyone and came up with a reason it's my fault I'm not where I am at I should be better off I left home it's to hard for her to talk or to look at me I'm a disgrace to her I disappoint her

Are there any friends or other family members you can stay with for the time being?

That is one long run on sentence you typed. No breaks in the wording makes it read a couple of different ways. It does seem like you need to live elsewhere.