Will this feeling ever end?

Hello, Newbie here!

I have been feeling a bit lost and wanting some advice/help. I'm sorry if I ramble on here, just a lot of emotions and thoughts.

I was in a relationship for almost 10 years with my ex fiance. 3 Months ago we went on a break and had arguments and tears, the works basically. We didn't talk for a while and then at the end of November we met up again and hung out, we kinda fell back into how it was, We hugged, he kissed me. I cried so much as I knew I had caused hurt and pain. So that evening he came over again and we talked (well I just cried) and he went home and he came over again the day after and we did some more talking. We spoke about how he went straight to a dating site and was gonna go on a date with a woman and how I found comfort in flirting with someone I have spoken to for over a year (He knew I spoke to him, it was always a platonic friendship) we was very open with one another and I *Felt* like their was no judgement, there was definitely no judgement on my half anyway.

Recently things got heated up and I just felt like we wasn't a couple anymore. There wasn't much efforts going on and when we was together there were periods I hardly heard from him and didn't see him for 3 weeks, this went on n on, I would communicate my thoughts and feelings to him for them to change for a week and then fall right back into the old ways. I kinda gave up and just felt lost and alone all the time but at the same time It hurt me cause I did love him a lot. When we would see me, work came first. We arranged dates, he would say he would be at mine for 12 - to spend the day together and end up arriving at 6pm cause someone came round for a cuppa tea? which means I was pushed down the priority list.

So we split - officially just over a week ago, prob like 2 weeks?. We split on good terms and we didn't say anything nasty and we didn't contact each other for a week. Until he randomly texted me when I was at work telling me he's dating again because 'single life isn't for him' I told him that I didn't need to know this and that it's upset me. I also said I don't need to know what you do with your life and whom you do it with, as long as you are sensible and left it at that. I didn't contact him again. Recently I saw him post on Facebook (I thought I changed the settings so I couldn't see his posts) of him cosying up to his new girl, by the fire, blankets on the floor, candles basically what you imagine a romantic scene in a movie would look like. It really wound me up and upset me cause not once did I ever get any efforts like that done for me. The most he's done is brought me flowers as a surprise (only did this once in the whole 10 years, unless I nagged him or it was for an occasion). 10 Years just thrown in my face in one picture. I got worked up and decided to block him on facebook and delete his number so I wasn't tempted to send him a angry text.

Later that night he text me to wish me a happy christmas, all i said was 'u too' to which he sends me a text saying he was gonna drop a card round my house but he didnt think it was a good idea. I confirmed it wasn't and left it at that. Now my mind ran 100mph and I was thinking maybe he was with her before we acc split, maybe hes replaced me that quick, maybe 10 years meant nothing to him? So I told him I saw the picture and that I felt like he never would do that stuff in our relationship - I know now that I shouldn't have texted him! It was wrong of me because of everything that unfolded next.

We argued, he told me that he was the only reason the relationship worked - Because he drove to my house to see me (Because I don't drive and its a bit difficult to get to his as I would need to take two buses and it takes over n hour n a half where driving takes 10mins) I felt hurt I put so much into the relationship, I did so much and tried so hard to make it work - I told him that, and he told me that I focussed my energy in the wrong place. I started to feel low, I hated myself, I felt worthless. Why would anyone love me? why did I put all this effort in, I communicate, I make time for him everything if its never enough? We argued then we kinda started to talk civil until he told me to move on and not make the same mistakes as I have done. I lost it again, there was no reason to say that. I cried for hours and hours and just rambled. He picked at me, showing me my flaws and tore me down and made me feel as if 10 years was nothing and what he has with this woman means so much more than anything we did in 10 years. I ended up falling asleep and he texted me again in the morning, I can't remember what he said, I deleted it so I couldn't text him.

It was my nephews 1st birthday on christmas eve and he got him a gift a while a go and I told my sister to text him just to say thank you, out of kindness. She did and instead of getting a 'you're welcome' she got a long text message about how I need support because I have 'mental issues'. She got upset and he ended up spamming her with all these texts about How I talk to this guy in america and there is a lot more to the story than I'm letting on and not to tell me that he told her about him cause I would let her know in my own time If I want her to know. I sat there frazzled? For starters, sharing my personal life with my sister isn't what he should be doing. I have done nothing wrong, he knows this, we've spoken about it. When we was together he saw a text from my american friend and just asked who he was and I explained and I asked him if he was ok with it all and he said he was fine - I was allowed to be friends with a guy cause he has girl friends too, is what he told me so I left it at that? He never showed any problems for the last year we was together about him??? If it started to be a recurring problem then I would have cut ties with him and ended our friendship - Which it was that JUST FRIENDS, I know it don't help that when we was on a break me and this guy flirted as I needed comfort, It was stupid of me, I know! But I wanted to be honest with him and open just incase we did get back together, I didn't want anything backfiring. He went on about him to her, making me seem like a real bad person and that i'm not telling him or her the full story and that he don't want her thinking 'hes a for walking out on your big sister' He also said to my sister he feels sorry for my mum going through this... ????????????

My friend yesterday came forward and told me his posts on facebook are pathetic and making him angry and upset. I've blocked him so I don't have the temptation of stalking him but he's posting very intimate pictures of him and her. It makes me feel sick, it feels like my heart is being squeezed and stabbed. In my head I can't get those two doing stuff out of my thoughts. We was together since I was 14. He was my first love, my first kiss, first time doing everything. I let him into my life, I did so much and he's just throwing it back in my face by dating a girl a week after we broke up. 2weeks after we kissed and he said he couldn't find anyone like me, 2 weeks after he said I am irreplaceable. Doing daily things is becoming impossible cause of this gut wrenching feeling. Why is he making all the effort I wish I got in those 10 years, What has she got that I haven't got. I'm starting to hate how I look, myself as a person. Its becoming increasingly difficult to get it off my mind

We was together since I was 14. He was my first love, my first kiss, first time doing everything. I let him into my life, I did so much and he's just throwing it back in my face by dating a girl a week after we broke up.

So I'm gonna assume this is going to be your first real heartbreak....I'm so sorry....

Still, they say that the first one is the worst and I can certainly vouch that it's not...!

The first thing you will need to do is implement all the NC stuff.....Unfollow him on FB or block if you don't have the strength to not look at his wall. Delete his number if you don't have the strength to not txt or call him...or worse still, drunk txt or call him....

It's gonna be rough, I won't lie...But it is good that you are here....

Your sleeping and eating patterns are going to be disrupted but please try and normalize that asap....I don't take meds but have had to take a sleeping pill for the last 5 weeks just to stay down...Fatigue management is a very important part of my job*

It's 2am and I'm pretty sleepy now but I'll be back....

Also please keep this handy: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com It's a great resource....

And get a carton of tissues ready....You're going to cry this out, but that is also important. Do not try and suppress it. You don't want grief to become unresolved grief...

As for the title of your thread, yes it will but not straight away....

Hang in there BB* Others will come.

Hugs

Carus*

Dear Bumblebee,

Very sorry you are going through this.

The wonderful Carus gives great advice. Please take good heed of this.

You have come to the right place and we are in this together.

Take as much time as you need and stay NC, if at all possible.

Chin up x

You have to look at the bigger picture of what is going on here. You were just a girl when you started going out with this guy and he has learned how to control and manipulate you. You have been emotionally abused. He knows how to push your buttons, and I think his Facebook postings are specifically aimed at you to drive you crazy. Instead of pining for this guy, you should be as angry as hell. He has destroyed your confidence and self-esteem. He has made you into a shadow of what you should be. He has made you emotionally dependent on him for your happiness and you are still caught up in that. It wouldn't even surprise me if sometime in the future he would cheat on his current girlfriend with you and keep you available for his convenience.

As I said, you should be angry at him for stealing 10 years of your life. He used you and walked all over you. You need to break this cycle of abuse.

First of all absolutely no contact. Erase him from your cell phone and block him from your social media. Tell your friends and relatives NOT to tell you anything about what he's up to, that Facebook and whatever else they may see him on is only designed to keep you a victim. Tell them to help you by blocking him as well and certainly don't accept gifts or email from this guy. He is a villain and you're never going to recover until they stop enabling him to commit is continued abuse. He never respected you and treated you like a piece of furniture. He just lied about how he felt and what was going on.

You need to see things the way they are and not through a romantic filter. You need time to recover, but then you need to get out there and date nice guys, one of whom will love you for you.

Hello Carus,

Thank you so so much for your advise and the link you have sent me. I have unfollowed him and blocked him on FB as well as deleted his number but he still has texted me which makes it even harder. He starts off being nice but then says stupid stuff like 'someone will love you one day' which sends me into a frenzy of emotions. I have told everyone not to message him and ignore him if he makes contact and not to let me know about any posts. I can't heal/deal with it.

Today has been pretty hard, didn't help I was alone all day... the mind loves to wonder and create stories.

Oh, i've cried a lot. haha. I didn't think I had that much tears in me! I am a very sensitive person so any comments, hate or anything with me seeing those types of photos instantly make me doubt myself as a person and how I look, what I did wrong etc.

But again, thank you for the advice and support. I think sometimes it's good to just off load all you're thoughts to people who have gone through similar.

As I said, you should be angry at him for stealing 10 years of your life.

I have gone through being really sad to really angry and sad again. Some parts of the 10 years together was wonderful and filled me with so much joy but the last few years made me wonder about his feelings and how he felt about me.

He already has been blocked on all forms of contact, texting, calling, social media and my family has done the same too. For someone who told me christmas eve that he still wasn't 'over me' and that he still 'cares for me' he sure has a funny way of showing it.

I'm starting to go through the part where I wonder if breaking up with him was the right thing. What if I waited it out, what if everything would work out in the end? What if I threw everything away? What if he's right? I can't work out if I'm feeling this cause I really do miss and want him

Back or if it's because he's got himself a new girlfriend and I feel insecure and I'm used to being with him

I'm starting to go through the part where I wonder if breaking up with him was the right thing. What if I waited it out, what if everything would work out in the end? What if I threw everything away? What if he's right? I can't work out if I'm feeling this cause I really do miss and want him

Back or if it's because he's got himself a new girlfriend and I feel insecure and I'm used to being with him

Wow. Well thanks for giving a lot of us a glimpse into the mind of someone who did the breaking up...and perhaps a smidge of hope I guess. Most of the people that land here are the dumpees....

As for your situation as it is now, regardless of who broke up with who, it seems emotions are still too high to be re-engaging with him...How long it takes for that to change is the unknown...But you could certainly do things to make it worse ie: Alcohol, drugs, quitting your job, continuing to engage with him etc....

So try and let this pass and concentrate on your own healing for now...

Also, if he does have another girl, the best thing you can do is become a ghost and let their relationship run it's own course. Anything you do to try and mess with it will only backfire and make you look worse....and feel a lot worse....

Keep journaling here...

Again, I have never been the one to breakup a relationship so I don't know that side of it and my mind always tells me that my ex has moved on and is happy etc...

Your story reminds me that that may not be the case at all....But also reminds me that I'm doing the right thing by being a ghost myself...

Carus*

I didn't want it to end but the way the relationship was going I was tired of being second best and left till last, I was bored of having the same conversation with him and nothing changing throughout the 10 years but I really loved him. So much but it was running me down. It all blew up and I ended up walking which looking back did a lot of damage not only to him but too myself cause I think I now realise I wasn't ready to let him go. It's all a bit messed up and I feel like a really bad human being.

He is in another relationship but what has hit me was it was a week after we broke, it hurt me a lot and now I feel like the one being dumped? I would never interfere with another relationship and wait for him to contact me.

I feel so much guilt, heartbreak, pain and the need for a hug.

I understand BB*. My ex loved me lots too and didn't want things to end up the way they have either...I never took her for granted and did my best to be the best husband and stepfather I could be, but she has convinced herself we are too different even though we're not really and is doing her best to stick to that....

So allow me to be totally honest here: I'm so sorry you're going through this but I'm hoping that my ex will be going through a similar thing...I guess that may sound horrible but I still have (false) hopes that she will still come back to me....

Just know that it will ease up eventually....Not overnight but soon.....In the meantime continue to take care of your health and life the best you can.

Here's a virtual 'Hug' from the other side of the world*

Carus*

I just had a cigarette on the balcony and was thinking about what I wrote^

Of course my ex went through what you are now...I was there, I saw it, and I helped her through it at my own peril.... :(

But that was almost two months ago and I'm sure she's fine now....

So I'm sure you will be too :)

'More Hugs'

C*

It's a very emotional time for both of us. Probably cause how it ended, it didn't have a last chapter. It just exploded and got heated and ended. I still adore him and miss him

Deeply. The time apart might have been what we needed to rethink about everything and what we want. I just wished he showed me he cared more, showed me he loved me. I didn't want to be that puppy following him

Around Giving him love and affection if I got nothing in return. It ended with me feeling alone and lost.

I did a really silly thing and texted him. In my head I really needed to clear the air with him. I told him why we split and everything else I said. I do feel a little better. I didn't wanna bombard him with "I want you back ". I just told him that I do love him and miss him and that I hope he is happy.

He has messaged back and said that he can't reply to this right now but he will message me as soon as he can and he hopes i have had a good Christmas.

I haven't replied because A. He's with his girlfriend and that's unfair for me to Text back. The last thing I want is to be causing more problems.

B he emotionally can't reply. He needs time to process what I have said and I understand that. Even if he never replies I feel like I've got something off my chest that has built up.

I feel like it should be the other way around the dumper shouldn't be the one acting like

The dumpee. I guess I've just realised things too late.

Hey Bumblebee,

You will get through this. I promise you.

Keep your thoughts on here, you are are the right place.

Try and stay NC from here.. It is for you. you are what matters now.

You will find peace on this eventually. Wishing you a better time in the new year.

Hey, thank you.

I realised this after I woke up. I've now deleted his number everywhere, phone laptop, address book. I guess I just wanted to feel needed, wanted and told that he loves me still but I'm aware that this isn't fair.

We was apart for 3 months but in contact and met up, kissed and hugged so I guess there wasn't any time for anyone to get over anything then we split officially, 1 week after he's dating and everyone is saying it's a rebound but my mind tells me otherwise which drives me insane!! I'm having nightmares of them together, I'm

Forgotten. I'm replaced.

But at the end of the day I know I need to take time for me and get over it for me regardless if we get back together or not. I want to prove to myself that I can do this on my own. I am able to live without him. I've just signed up to a gym so hopefully that will give me some motivation and make me feel better, plus lose all that Christmas weight hehe

This forum has helped me, it's made me think

About things in a new way and it's so nice to just be able to vent without any judgement. So thank you to everyone

Hi Bumblebee,

It looks like you are taking the right steps.

" 1 week after he's dating and everyone is saying it's a rebound but my mind tells me otherwise which drives me insane!! I'm having nightmares of them together, I'm

Forgotten. I'm replaced."

Many people here can empathise with these sentiments, me included.

"But at the end of the day I know I need to take time for me and get over it for me regardless if we get back together or not. I want to prove to myself that I can do this on my own. I am able to live without him. I've just signed up to a gym so hopefully that will give me some motivation and make me feel better, plus lose all that Christmas weight hehe"

This is a great outlook to have at the moment.

Feel free to vent away, to your hearts content! :)

I'm holding onto that outlook in hope it will keep me from going back to that emotional state but I also know that I'm going to slip and I know I'm going to cry and struggle. I'm aware that my ex will contact me and reply to my message but I'm trying to not hold hope for it to be a good message and to find the strength to not reply if he does message me.

Breakups are trickier than actually being in a relationship sometimes.

That feeling of being replaced is truly gut wrenching...

But if your ex is out looking for his next relationship so quickly that says a lot about him and is a very common coping strategy....and not a very healthy one at that...

As dear Sputnik says, you are doing the right things...

I agree with you that breakups are trickier to navigate than the actual relationship and we are so lucky these days to have access to a vast amount of knowledge to help us do that.

It is indeed a journey but not one that you are alone on*

Carus*

Hey Bumblebee,

Please keep us updated on here, and if anything happens.

We will try and help you through it.

Break-ups can be much more difficult than the relationship itself.

It's just a fact that sometimes people can be quite blindsided by the actual break-up. The other person has secretly "moved on" in their mind and heart leaving the other person completely stranded (happened to me, despite all the massive red flags)..

As the wonderful Carus provided earlier, make sure you go through this;

http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com

It's very good :) x

Hey!

Yeah I had a read through of the guide and it does make so much sense!

Nothing has happened since I texted him but my mind does wonder. New Year's Eve was hard. I wondered if he was thinking of me as much as I was thinking of him. Is this really a rebound? It's like a knife is slowly twisting deeper.

Everyone says it's a rebound but my mind refuses to believe it. I'm trying to let it run it's course but it hurts knowing that he probably don't give me a second thought when hes the only thing on my mind. Day in day out.

My sleep is very disturbed and I'm having very strange dreams. 1 dream was of a black bull attacking things, another was of a dead body floating under water then I saw my ex and his new girlfriend together and he just didn't want to know me at all.

I've also lost weight and people are starting to pick up and ask questions. I'm trying very hard to regulate myself. I think last night I got 4 hours of sleep.

Today has been a little easier. Few hiccups

You're certainly in the thick of it and each day seems like a month!

Hang in there BB* It will ease up soon ok...

Carus*

Hi Bumblebee,

It does hurt, I can certainly vouch for that.

I promise you though, each day it does get a little easier.

Keep yourself as busy as possible.

Make sure you are eating properly. Try to get to bed/ sleep with happier thoughts.

We are all here for you.

Thank you guys,

Last night I think I over worked myself with emotions and exhausted myself that I slept around 9 hours.

I'm trying to make sure I eat properly but it does get hard when food is the last thing on your mind and all I end up doing is snacking.

I'm going to try and get up today and go out for a walk even though my mind and body is telling me to stay in bed and do nothing.

I still keep having dreams about him, I was talking to someone about him last night and questioning why he did and said all the things he said if he has supposedly 'moved on'. My dream was that he was round my house, he kissed me and kept saying things and the only things I said in my dream was "what does that mean" but at least I didn't wake up in a cold sweat and at least I got more than enough sleep haha

Everyday does seem a little easier but the nights are the worst, I always feel more alone at night. That's normally when my problems pop up and bite at me. I'm trying to remind myself that I shouldn't feel worthless and I shouldn't feel rubbish. Sometimes these things happen. My mother actually said something that has stuck in my mind. If you two did get back together would you be ok still with the things he's said to you and done to you over these past weeks? And the answer is I don't know. I don't know if I could right now forgive him for jumping into bed and doing the dirty with another woman and then deciding to get with her a week after. Even though all the things he said to me when we was together. I don't know if I could forgive him for running me down to my sister and I don't know if I can forgive him for saying all those mean things to me that eventually wore me down to the point I believed him and was agreeing with him.

Hey Bumblebee,

9 hours sleep is very good. :) Trust me, tiredness can cloud the mind!

This is an opportune moment to look after YOURSELF. Resting, eating well and regular exercise are all very important.

I can vouch for evenings and early mornings being especially tough. I like to watch movies and listen to music (stay away from triggers though) at these times.

"My mother actually said something that has stuck in my mind. If you two did get back together would you be ok still with the things he's said to you and done to you over these past weeks? And the answer is I don't know. I don't know if I could right now forgive him for jumping into bed and doing the dirty with another woman and then deciding to get with her a week after. Even though all the things he said to me when we was together. I don't know if I could forgive him for running me down to my sister and I don't know if I can forgive him for saying all those mean things to me that eventually wore me down to the point I believed him and was agreeing with him"

You need to use the above paragraph as a key reason why you don't need to contact this person ever again, move on and be happy with someone else, eventually.

It will get easier.

I hope it does.

I had a little slip... again, I saw her Facebook page and being my stupid self I clicked on her name. There wasn't much... Thank god, cause her page is private but the things I saw just worked me up. Putting a face to a name, seeing where she lived, seeing her relationship status update and all his family and friends comment on it ' nice one lad' 'good work ' 'so happy for you both' I can tell he liked all those posts cause I've blocked him but it won't show me the person who's liked it.

I'm looking at myself and just seeing a shadow of who I was. Am I not pretty enough? Why is it like this. What has she got that I haven't?. I'm wondering if he hasn't replied to me cause he's spending time with her these past few days before he's back at work. My stomach feels like it's eating itself.

It's weird though, I have this urge to just text him and tell him I WANT YOU BACK CAN'T YOU SEE!. but I won't. I know that it would make everything worse and would backfire pretty quickly.

I know he told me when we broke up that if anything ever changed to let him know but how can I when this is the situation we are in?