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Thread: Journal for 2018

  1. #1
    Silver Member hidden_kitten's Avatar
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    Journal for 2018

    Decided to start my own ena journal. I tried to keep a paper one this year, but for some reason I felt I needed to write really profound entries that I would look back on so rarely touched it! Bizarrely I feel I can be more throw-away on here.

    2017 has been really naff. Just felt stuck, paralysed through the whole thing. As a fitting end, I found out today that the man I had a ridiculous crush on during the year has got engaged. We were colleagues but had known each other since primary school. I hadn't seen him since going away to university a decade ago, until he started working at the same place. We seemed to get close and he sort of led me on, then he moved away in August to live with a girl he met online. They can only have met in April! During the summer I deleted all social media contact with him so I wouldn't be confronted with stuff like this. I'm still hung up on him because living in a small rural town and being a picky cow, I don't develop feelings for anyone quick, or meet anyone new. Hoping I'll force myself on at least one date in 2018. I've been single for nearly three years. I feel so desperate sometimes.

    Career is a joke. I hate my day job. Groundhog day every single week. Attempted to do freelance work but it all fell through. There's such a gap between the level that I'm at and the level I "should" be, and I've no idea what steps I need to take in between. All my peers since uni seem to have left me behind and I don't know how to catch up.

    In the meantime, the centre that I volunteer at has offered to take me on to cover maternity leave this spring. Upside: I get to learn more admin stuff and it's something I can put on the CV. Downside: I have to keep my day job because the centre doesn't get enough funding for full time roles. So I have to stay in this rubbish town, with no close friends and no social life. Also, it's a massive leap from the role I've been doing so I hope I can handle it. Or maybe they just won't renew the contract after three months, haha.

    Roll on 2018.

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    Silver Member hidden_kitten's Avatar
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    Woke up late. As usual. My excuse is that I'm sick with a cough that's going round, and couldn't drop off last night until about 3am anyway. One of many resolutions for the new year is to start getting enough sleep/get up at a civilised hour!

    Bad PMT as well. Doesn't help with the news yesterday. Missing my cat that was put down a month ago. She would always stay close when she sensed you were upset. Keep looking down at my feet/the floor and expecting her to be padding about. Wonder if my parents will get another pet. Definitely too soon right now.

    Trying to be grateful about things. At least I have a job, roof over my head, general health is alright, building up savings. But for what point? I'm still a pathetic loser that nothing seems to have gone right for. Is there any point in self-improvement when there's no guarantee it'll lead to success in the end. What if I reach 40 and still in a low wage job, degree that's meant nothing, no partner, no kids. If there was a painless off switch I would press it. Never ever believed I'd think something like that, yet here I am.

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    Originally Posted by hidden_kitten
    Is there any point in self-improvement when there's no guarantee it'll lead to success in the end.
    If only life was that easy. But you can use a different approach: this is what makes life interesting. More difficult, sure, but also more entertaining :)

    What did you study if you don't mind me asking?
    Last edited by dias; 12-28-2017 at 11:13 AM.

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    Silver Member hidden_kitten's Avatar
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    Thanks Dias. I did animation but have never been able to break into it. The volunteering gig is within the arts sector, so a side step but it's been keeping my hand in.

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    Originally Posted by hidden_kitten
    Thanks Dias. I did animation but have never been able to break into it. The volunteering gig is within the arts sector, so a side step but it's been keeping my hand in.
    That's great!

    Have you tried relocating within the UK or Europe to get an entry level job in the arts sector? Small towns do not offer much unfortunately. Also, it's a good opportunity for meeting new people!

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    Out of uni, I applied to studios in Scotland (in the bigger cities) and a couple in England. The responses I got were either "you're good but not good enough" or radio silence. Now my stuff is so outdated and my skills are rusty that I would be back at square one. I had my eye on Dublin which is going through a "golden age" of sorts with their studios, but no experience to get my foot in the door yet. That's idea with the volunteering - I'm seeing more of the admin/finance side of things so can maybe transfer that into getting a support role or production management. Maybe, if the industry stills calls for me. Sometimes I feel I should pack it all in and do something else, that would actually pay, lol.

    I've never had the nerve to totally up-sticks and move countries. It's probably what I need most right now but my mental health has been shot to F this year so have stayed with family. During university I lived with flatmates but never got on with them. Lived with a boyfriend a couple of years ago but that didn't work out either!

    My original plan was to get through Christmas, sock away as much money as possible then look for jobs elsewhere so I could move out in 2018. Unfortunately this maternity cover gig keeps me here for at least 3 or 4 months from March. Really hope it's good in the long run!

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    Hope 2018 will bring some positive changes hidden_kitten :)

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    Ugh, should be heading to bed but that just takes me closer to a weekend of 8 hr shifts and repeating forced "have a good new year" to every customer. I used to like this time of year...

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    Aw Kitten, hope you get a good rest in bed and feel improved soon!

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    Thanks Silver!

    I managed yesterday but only did half my shift today. Colleague kindly drove me home. She's also the one who nagged me to just go home, now I'm in bed. Haven't eaten all day, should really try something. Need to phone work later and let them know if I'm doing tomorrow. Absolutely hate letting them down and bailing out.

    There's been an art project I've been sitting on for at least two years but never started. It would be for a series of zodiac prints that could also tie in with animated ecards or something. The final 'look'/style keeps changing in my minds eye. Last night while coughing and spluttering it changed yet again. In a good way though, the original idea is quite twee and I'm looking to sex it up a bit.

    Can't keep warm enough to sit at my computer and hash ideas out on photoshop right now though.

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