Dont know what to do about my sister

We grew up in a bit of not so child – friendly environment. Mom at work most of the time, while dad was hard – core alcoholic that would be drunk in less than an hour after mom left for work. He would get angry and paranoid, and after years of it, he began to fall into delirium attacks, halucinating.

I was asking mom rather often to leave him, but we had nothing and she was wearing it all on her back so me and my sister dont suffer for it.

The day came. He got so drunk that he began to rumble how I was trying to kill him, so he pulled a knife on me. Both my sister and my mom were present. That was the day I moved away to our grandma (on moms side). My sister came with me, saying the whole time how there is no another way and that we need to run away from him. Mom stayed back to pack our things. Came few hours after we arrived at grandmas.

This is where my problem started, and mind that it was nine years ago.

The moment mom came trough the doors, my sister started to yell how I am breaking our family apart and how we will have no way to live cause of me. I lost it. Mom managed to calm her down, till the point where my sister demanded to live with him and mom allowed it in condition that he stops his drinking.

I havent seen my father in seven months, sister said that everything was fine home and that he was sober, so I finaly made contact just to see that he was dead drunk and that their apartment was worse than chaos... Forgot to mention that the whole time my grandma on his side kept calling me and telling me that I broke our family and that my sister is good for staying with him...

Finaly I realised that the reason she stayed there is that he became so scared of staying all alone that she used it and told him that if he forbids her anything she will leave him. In the same time, his mother was sending her money for being a „good one“, she had tons of parties there, they even used drawers as ashtrays...

He finaly died due to liver failure six years ago. Grandma on moms side died a week after that. It was just the three of us in this one-room apartment that grandma left for us. Mom met a man some time after, they got married and are the happiest couple I know, so now it was just me and my sister.

Whole time she was blaming me for our fathers death. Whole time blaming me for everything else. Kept saying how I dont do anything, how I allways make mess, how I am loud and anoying cause of my guitars, how I only make problems. Kept saying to mom that she will kill her self if I dont move out. Mom kept blaming herself for letting her on her own for so long. Now dont get me wrong, mom is amaizing woman that I will owe my whole life for what she was living trough just so we can eat. Anyways, it came to the point where my sister told my mom that I am smoking pot, maybe even dealing drugs and bringing home drug addicts. Mom was crying the whole time till the test results were in her hands just to see that those were all lies... And that my sister wanted to be the „cool kid“ with her own place to use it just like before...

Mom proposed that I move in with them – her and stepdad, and not to lie I am still here and enjoying my time with them. I moved here three or for years ago, and from that moment my sister kept saying how we left her all alone, how we pushed her away... She says that she is depressed and that no one loves her, that mom cares only about me. Our mom is crying atleast once a week cause of my sister.

Two months ago, my sister got offered a job as a part-time secretary, which was everything but part time, but since she needs the money she accepted it. She asked if I can fill in since she is still going to university. I said that I will help her, but I had to drop my work (I earn by making wall-art and jewelery).

For the past few weeks I have been spending whole days at that office. She is either at university, either a friend has some kind of crisis and she has to help, either she is depressed and needs to sleep.

Finaly, last night she broke my phone „cause it was made unbreakable“. I bought that CAT just a week ago. She then laughed in my face, not even a real „sorry“. I got so angry that i finaly snapped and told her so much...

Since then, she keeps crying to mom, event to step-dad how I am horrible to her. How I mentaly abuse her. As expected it came to the point how its all our moms fault, mine also – that she is so screwed up. She says that she cant live like this where we all torture her and that she will kill herself. I am still so mad, just now at a point where I am mad about past decade, every detail, every word she said to me and our mom.

Ps. I am 26 years old, and she is two years younger than me. We are far far from kids and those teenage outbursts. I will be moving to village in several months but I hate the idea of mom dealing by herself with her on daily basis like this.

I dont know what to do, do I put my had down as allways or finaly stand up to her? Mom cant, I saw it again today. I realy need help from anyone who had expirience with this.

And please excuse me for my english, its far from my native language.

It sounds like you sister might be suffering with a personality disorder like borderline personality disorder. Check out these list of traits and see if it sounds like her.

http://outofthefog.website/traits/

That website has a great support forum for people with BPD relatives.

http://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?board=36.0

They also have a list of tactics on how to deal with yourself in the face of this difficulty.

http://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-1/

There is very good advice in there. And it can help a lot just to know you aren't alone in this struggle.

I'm very sorry that you went through all this. I would say that your father abused your whole family and your sister in particular is showing the results of this abuse. A lot of people who are abused actually go on to abuse other people, and that is what's happening with her.

So I don't know what country you're from, but your sister is ill and she needs treatment, either in the form of counseling or drugs or both. Both you and your mother need to tell your sister that she needs to get medical help and that you can help her see a doctor.

You and your mother are also suffering from the post traumatic effects of your father's abuse and you might try seeking out counseling. You should also find a real job so you can rent a place of your own and move out. Your step-father needs to help your mother and protect her from your sister and you need to distance yourself from the situation and take care of your own mental health. I hope this helps.