Getting more serious, but

I know he loves me and is serious about committing to me, we looked at rings last week and he put money down on one. The surprise will be when he asks. He really wants me to relocate to his area that he initially planned to move out of, but is happier with life now that he has me in it. I'm not against moving down there, is part of the problem, but everyone who works with me says it's a bad idea. My support system is up here. No one is moving yet, but we are discussing it.

He says he's moving up here but doesn't like coming up here because of my living with my mom. He doesn't like her attitude. He spent Thanksgiving and Christmas up here for the most part. My car broke down at his house, he got it fixed and drove it up one day and I had to drive down the next to pick up his car, so I stayed part of the time there and returned Christmas Eve. But all this running around is actually hard on me. Travel takes a lot out of me these days. He talked me into going down there for New Year's because he spent the last two holidays up here, at least I said I'd think about it. Because I'm driving halfway there to meet with the parental liaison and my daughter on Saturday.

I'm moving down on the waiting list for the section 8 apartment. They've been calling to update my information. So I may be getting an apartment of my own soon, but we've been talking about moving in together. I am better off living with someone than on my own, honestly. I need to make decisions soon because if we move in together I can keep my current insurance. If we don't, and I move on my own; I need to obtain more services from the county and will need different insurance. I have to decide that soon. Guess I have to have yet another heart to heart talk with him.

If I could reasonably manage the back and forth I'd keep at it longer to allow us more time to decide. He has a job interview up here Jan 5th. Really kind of thinking aloud. But advice is appreciated.

Do you work?

Yes I'm a legal secretary part-time.

Can't you work full time? If you move, then what happens to your employment?

How long have you been together?

Good God! You are going to move in with someone after two months of dating. That's crazy. I'm sorry, but your child should not have even met this guy, much less be moving in with him.

Your judgment is very poor. You need to put your child's needs first. Not your own.

It's been what, three, four months? And you're picking out rings, debating moving in with him?

Your entire support system is telling you it's a bad idea because it is. Isn't one of your goals to get your kid back in some capacity? Have you looked into what the impact of moving in with this guy so soon could be with regard to that goal? And, if you think you're just better off living with someone than on your own, you work to fix what it is that makes you not as capable of being on your own-- and listening to your support structure and your professional service providers is the first step. How many decisions have you gone rogue on despite all advice to the contrary?

I don't know. If I could be your puppeteer, I'd just have you devote everything you have strictly to your counseling and the services you're receiving and not even entertaining the thought of moving in with or marrying a man. But I can't. Wishing you the best.

My daughter lives with her father, I haven't introduced them yet because I haven't been allowed to see her due to my recent breakdown. I'm reestablishing visitation with her through a parental liaison. My family loves him, my case manager and group therapist are saying moving out of the county is a bad idea because of my services. I cannot work full-time I have group therapy, individual therapy, I'm involved in on my off days.

It sounds like you are on track to getting your own place. Why not stay on that track. And in a year or two, you can talk about moving in together. What is the rush? Four months in? I would be worried if someone was ring shopping and wanting one or both of us to up-root our lives. Can't you date for a year and see how it goes? You two don't even know each other that well yet. Have you even seen each other under stress? Long distance for four months... that isn't much history to build on. Why not keep dating and wait and see how it feels before changing everything about your life?

Jetta,

Mental health stability is far more important.

Jetta...You've been down this road before, where you've had to face the consequences of making impulsive decisions. At two months in, that's way too soon to make any major decisions, such as relocating, etc.

I'd reconsider, and be thankful for what you have going at this time in your life. If he's truly interested, he'll understand that you need to slow it down for your own well being.

My daughter lives with her father, I haven't introduced them yet because I haven't been allowed to see her due to my recent breakdown. I'm reestablishing visitation with her through a parental liaison. My family loves him, my case manager and group therapist are saying moving out of the county is a bad idea because of my services. I cannot work full-time I have group therapy, individual therapy, I'm involved in on my off days.

Sorry, I did not know your background.

Please do not sacrifice the steps you have made, for a man you barely know. You have your services and support system in your area, and most importantly , your child.

He is not close to his family, and I believe he is going lose the farm. You have much more to lose. He can live anywhere. Please slow this down. You should nt even be considering marriage until the one-year mark.

My mom has a 6 month rule, you know in 6 months if you plan to marry someone or not. And she's right. She met and moved in with my dad after a month of dating, engaged at 6 months, married 33 years until his death. I dated my daughters dad 3 years before we married. I never loved him, didn't want to marry him, just had dated so long people thought we should. He proposed 3 times before I said "I guess". The last guy was a longer romance too, despite what you all think, it was the marriage that was short lived. This guy I've known since 2 weeks in that I want to marry him. Now I know he wants to marry me too, just a matter of when and how it will happen. He dated his first wife 16 years before proposing. He said he married her because she had the son and he wanted him to have both parents. She was verbally and physically abusive to him, he'd wake up to a knife at his throat. Now I'm not rushing intentionally just we are both in our 40's and in love. He loves me more than he has ever loved anyone he has said. We have a few things to work out. Religion he's Lutheran I'm Catholic, where to live. I like being Catholic but mom was once Lutheran and thinks I should change because our priest is wacky, my brother suggested a different Catholic church.

My mom has a 6 month rule, you know in 6 months if you plan to marry someone or not. And she's right. She met and moved in with my dad after a month of dating, engaged at 6 months, married 33 years until his death. I dated my daughters dad 3 years before we married. I never loved him, didn't want to marry him, just had dated so long people thought we should. He proposed 3 times before I said "I guess". The last guy was a longer romance too, despite what you all think, it was the marriage that was short lived. This guy I've known since 2 weeks in that I want to marry him. Now I know he wants to marry me too, just a matter of when and how it will happen. He dated his first wife 16 years before proposing. He said he married her because she had the son and he wanted him to have both parents. She was verbally and physically abusive to him, he'd wake up to a knife at his throat. Now I'm not rushing intentionally just we are both in our 40's and in love. He loves me more than he has ever loved anyone he has said. We have a few things to work out. Religion he's Lutheran I'm Catholic, where to live. I like being Catholic but mom was once Lutheran and thinks I should change because our priest is wacky, my brother suggested a different Catholic church.

Well no, first of all that's your mom's rule -and she's not marrying him. Second even if that was true that's for people who are mentally and otherwise stable. You're working on mental stability and you are not financially stable so making huge decisions in an insta-relationship is not advisable especially because your main goal should be becoming stable enough to parent your child. Please do not give up your potential apartment and insurance for a man you barely know.

All you just said is really kind of irrelevant at this point. You know you need stability for your mental health . If you have mental health supports where you are THAT is where you should stay .

If he's sincere about you, he can wait 12 months for everything to come together. If he's sincere about you, he'd want you to be in the best possible position for your health and for you to have your child back. How would the social agencies feel about allowing your child back with you when you've moved in with a man you barely know and who she's never met? Do you think that would work in your favor?

Don't make the mistake of looking at this man as the answer to all your problems.

Again, if he's sincere he'll be willing to wait. My brother has been waiting almost 3 years for his girlfriend to get divorced, get a child custody agreement settled with her now-ex husband and for her to move from 400 miles away. He waits because he's sincere about wanting to be with her permanently.

If you aren't rushing intentionally, how about you intentionally take it slow?

Jetta, you've been through a lot. He's been through a lot. If it's a real thing then it'll still be real in a year or two. Why not just enjoy the relationship as it is for awhile? You can go slow.

Why do you feel like you need to move in together *right now*. If you know you want to marry each other, then a couple of years shouldn't matter.

Jetta,

Please. For the love of God, do not move in. What happened to no men for a year? You have gone from one bad situation to another. You lost everything. Get that section 8 apartment to strike out on your own. One step ahead of the other. Get 50% custody of your daughter. Make it so you do not have to ever move back in with mom again. its no longer fair to her.

if you can live alone, you will be better off when you do marry again at some point - you will bring more to the table.

Mom says you know in 6 months -- well your guy radar is broken. And it doesn't mean MARRY or MOVE IN in six months.

Tell him you are not ready -- if he knows your situation, he could be a guy attracted to trainwrecks or have the white knight syndrome or have issues of his own.

Trust us -- back away. make FEMALE friends. If this is the right relationship - it will still be right in a year or two. SLooow down.

You may be in your 40s, but you already have a child so you are not rushing because you aren't a parent and want to be.

One step at a time -- you move out on your own and he visits you. You take a full year after that to handle your finances well - get back on track with your daughter. If he won't wait, then he's not for you. This is the rest of your life hanging in the balance.

My daughter lives with her father, I haven't introduced them yet because I haven't been allowed to see her due to my recent breakdown. I'm reestablishing visitation with her through a parental liaison. My family loves him, my case manager and group therapist are saying moving out of the county is a bad idea because of my services. I cannot work full-time I have group therapy, individual therapy, I'm involved in on my off days.

He lives in another COUNTRY, not just in another city?? Does not being able to see your daughter bother you at all? apparently not because you are more focused on this guy than getting straight for her. Honestly, if they see mom jumping from man to man, that does not help you. Marrying a scammer, then rushing to marry a guy who has issues does not make it sound like a stable environment. I understand he says he was abused by his ex, but if he hasn't unpacked that yet -- it may be bad news for you. And what about his kid? His ex can't be too unstable if she has custody of their child? Or does he and you will be living with his kid while yours is out in the cold? This impacts the relationship with your daughter the rest of your life. If i was lucky enough to have a daughter, i would move mountains to see her and to have her in my home, even if it was just 50% of the time. She will end up calling a stepmom "mom" and talking about her "real mom" who couldnt' see her. Do you want that to be her biography?

I believe it says another COUNTY, not country.

You basically asked this last week already and ignored what i said.

It is way way way too soon to move for him or he for you, you barely know each other and here you go again after everything that happened and all that we warned you about last time but you don't listen...

And marriage? Well don't even get me started.....

I believe it says another COUNTY, not country.

I see. ::cleans off eyeballs:: Still....the rest of the sentiment applies.

Well no, first of all that's your mom's rule -and she's not marrying him. Second even if that was true that's for people who are mentally and otherwise stable. You're working on mental stability and you are not financially stable so making huge decisions in an insta-relationship is not advisable especially because your main goal should be becoming stable enough to parent your child. Please do not give up your potential apartment and insurance for a man you barely know.

Jetta, you need to sit down and make a written list of every "relationship," job change, and change of residence you've had in the last ten years. I think you need to see in black and white that this just another lap around the same exact track. WE see it. You just never seem to.

His child is an adult living with his mom.

You haven't listened in the past, I hope you will listen today. We are ALL telling you the same thing!

His child is an adult living with his mom.

OK, but what about everything else people here wrote?

Will you at least take some of it into consideration?

It's all been written with the intent to try to help and give good advice.