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I'm 49 and I just got dumped


LazyDaisy

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Hi ENA,

 

I don't know where to turn. I am a 49 year old female. I have a 12 year old son. I have been dating the same man for 11 years. He is the only father figure my son has ever known. He dumped me on Christmas eve. I am so distraught, I don't know what to do. Not just for myself but for my son. He was really fond of my boyfriend and now he will never see him again.

 

We had a fight on Christmas eve because we were having a party at my house for all HIS relatives. There were 3 kids there, my son and his two granddaughters. His relatives, invited themselves, came over with gifts for his granddaughters and nothing for my son. They gave the presents to the girls in front of my son and were making a big production out of it. I got upset, I though that was very rude. He said I was wrong to get upset - that they were under no obligation to give my son anything. I felt very hurt for my son. We continued to fight back and forth throughout the night. Things seemed to be calmed down and then after everyone left he brought it up again and became very nasty. He left and said he was never coming back. I was supposed to have him and his parents over for Christmas. So Christmas was ruined. I text him a few times on Christmas and he told me to leave him alone and never text him again or he would call the police.

 

This is kind of the pattern when we argue - he storms out and says he is never coming back and then I have to apologize for the argument and he eventually comes around. However, I am not going to apologize this time as I don't feel I did anything wrong. So being that he will never apologize because he thinks he is right - I'm guessing this is the end.

 

I'm so heartbroken - I'm going to be 50 and now I have to start all over. I don't know how to be single. My whole life was wrapped up in his. We did everything together. I'm in so much pain. I feel like there was a death.

 

I've got to get it together for my son's sake. I could barely get out of bed and come to work today. I've never experienced a loss like this. I don't know what to do to feel better. Any help is appreciated.

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Your "pattern" is unhealthy. It is particularly unhealthy for your son to witness this pattern. He is learning how to "do" relationships from you and right now, what he's learning is not good at all.

 

You "don't know how" to be single? You're not alone, you have your son. And being single is better than walking on eggshells hoping you don't do anything to upset this man and make him get mad and leave yet again.

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This was his pattern? To get mean, dump you and storm off? As scary as it is it’s better to be alone than with someone who isn’t willing or capable of adult conflict resolution. As sad as your son might be, think for a moment about what you and your ex were teaching you son about relationships. Your son is so much better off if he sees his mom single then see her be emotionally blackmailed and stay in a relationship with so much childish disrespect.

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My boyfriend did get something for my son. Maybe I am being unfair, but I thought it was rude of his relatives. First of all they invited themselves over, then a few days before they said they weren't coming, then the day before they said they were coming. Then then come in my house bring no hostess gift and nothing for my son - only gifts for his granddaughters. I think they are rude and self centered. So I complained.

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This was his pattern? To get mean, dump you and storm off? As scary as it is it’s better to be alone than with someone who isn’t willing or capable of adult conflict resolution. As sad as your son might be, think for a moment about what you and your ex were teaching you son about relationships. Your son is so much better off if he sees his mom single then see her be emotionally blackmailed and stay in a relationship with so much childish disrespect.

 

You nailed it. He isn't capable of conflict resolution. He runs and hides in his cave. And it is childish and unhealthy. I needed to hear this.

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When someone jumps ship so easy like this, you end up sensoring yourself and you lose yourself from walking on eggs shells all the time in fear of the next time they yank the rug out from under you.

You should feel safe to tell your partner how you feel.

At the same time you have a responsibility to deliver that information respectfully.

His reaction is definitely disproportionate but it begs the question on how you handled your part.

Not to pile on you during a difficult time, but it's a fair question.

If you could do it all over, would you change anything?

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When someone jumps ship so easy like this, you end up sensoring yourself and you lose yourself from walking on eggs shells all the time in fear of the next time they yank the rug out from under you.

You should feel safe to tell your partner how you feel.

At the same time you have a responsibility to deliver that information respectfully.

His reaction is definitely disproportionate but it begs the question on how you handled your part.

Not to pile on you during a difficult time, but it's a fair question.

If you could do it all over, would you change anything?

 

Yes, I would have held my tongue until the next day - but I didn't. He doesn't have to punish me by walking out of my life because I used poor judgment. I was being an overprotective mom. My heart was in the right place.

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I'm sorry you are going through this. I know much it hurts and how hard it is to deal with. I have a similar situation as well, mine was 4 days before Christmas. Unfortunately you see a pattern in your arguements and although you may think it's over, I think once he cools off and thinks about it, he will be back. But I would try and work on finding a better solution to your arguements so that you are not left bearing all the responsibilty of resolving it. If he does not come back, take some time for you and your son. I'm 45 and looking back, I made huge mistakes after my divorce, and the one thing I did not do, is build my own life for ME. I was so wrapped up in my daughter and the man i was with at the time (I have dated 3) that I lost me. It will also take you some time to move one, don't beat yourself up! 50 is fabulous my friend!!! I didn't realize how much is out there for us over 40 folks but trust me there is!!!! Hugs to you!

 

Thank you. I am going to take some time for me. A lot of time for me. I'm just not used to thinking of myself. I'm used to thinking of myself as a couple. I'm tired of the emotional blackmail. Even if he does try to come back I don't think I will go back with him.

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OP; how did that fight go down? I agree with the others that the way your boyfriend handles conflict appears childish, but there's a small part of me that's also getting the feeling--and I could be way wrong here--that you aren't always the easiest person to get along with.

 

For instance yes--I agree that it was rude to just bring presents for the granddaughters and not your son and nothing for the hostess. But what exactly did you expect your boyfriend to do about it right then and there? Order them out of the house until they came back with gifts for your son and a bottle of wine for you? Couldn't you have discussed it with your boyfriend later? Why did you feel the need to keep pressing the issue? Sometimes the only way to handle a conflict like that is to just say "screw it" and walk away.

 

At any rate, OP, if your (ex?) boyfriend contacts you again and wants to try to resolve this how will you respond?

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Your "pattern" is unhealthy. It is particularly unhealthy for your son to witness this pattern. He is learning how to "do" relationships from you and right now, what he's learning is not good at all.

 

You "don't know how" to be single? You're not alone, you have your son. And being single is better than walking on eggshells hoping you don't do anything to upset this man and make him get mad and leave yet again.

 

YES! Exactly this!

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OP; how did that fight go down? I agree with the others that the way your boyfriend handles conflict appears childish, but there's a small part of me that's also getting the feeling--and I could be way wrong here--that you aren't always the easiest person to get along with.

 

For instance yes--I agree that it was rude to just bring presents for the granddaughters and not your son and nothing for the hostess. But what exactly did you expect your boyfriend to do about it right then and there? Order them out of the house until they came back with gifts for your son and a bottle of wine for you? Couldn't you have discussed it with your boyfriend later? Why did you feel the need to keep pressing the issue? Sometimes the only way to handle a conflict like that is to just say "screw it" and walk away.

 

At any rate, OP, if your (ex?) boyfriend contacts you again and wants to try to resolve this how will you respond?

 

He was the one that kept bringing it up. All I said was that they were rude. I tried to go on and act like I wasn't upset. After everyone left he brought it up again and I tried to say lets just forget it. He said I ruined the night and he was leaving and not coming back.

 

If he contacts me and wants to try to resolve it - which I don't think will happen in a million years because I would have to be the one to contact him - I'm going to tell him I don't think it can ever work because we have to different styles of handling conflict that just don't mesh.

 

I do have a problem though - we own a boat together and its a lot of money and I want my half. I guess I will have to take him to court.

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I do have a problem though - we own a boat together and its a lot of money and I want my half. I guess I will have to take him to court.

 

I know you are emotionally charged at the moment, but this comment is somewhat telling.

I can only assume if he's not communicating at the moment, the boat hasn't been addressed. At some point you will discuss it. Why jump to the conclusion that you will

need a lawyer?

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I know you are emotionally charged at the moment, but this comment is somewhat telling.

I can only assume if he's not communicating at the moment, the boat hasn't been addressed. At some point you will discuss it. Why jump to the conclusion that you will

need a lawyer?

 

 

Yes, I am an emotional person. I'm assuming I will need a lawyer because he asked me never to contact him again - so I don't know what other way to address it.

 

I asked him to return my house keys through a text and he hasn't done that. I guess I won't worry about either one for a while. I will wait a few months and then ask about it.

 

I guess I'm just mad that I will never get to enjoy my boat again. He will be on it with all his friends and relatives all summer having a great time.

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Yes, I am an emotional person. I'm assuming I will need a lawyer because he asked me never to contact him again - so I don't know what other way to address it.

 

I asked him to return my house keys through a text and he hasn't done that. I guess I won't worry about either one for a while. I will wait a few months and then ask about it.

 

I guess I'm just mad that I will never get to enjoy my boat again. He will be on it with all his friends and relatives all summer having a great time.

 

This is the moment that you just sit tight and let the dust settle. Demanding keys and your investment in the boat will only aggravate the situation.

It's when things die down you can calmly discuss separating things. If you are emotionally charged, I probably wouldn't deal with you either.

Take a step back and breathe.

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For what it is worth, I think it was very mean of his family to hand out gifts to the other children and not include your son, especially after knowing him for such a long time. You being upset was understandable, your BF lives with YOU he should have taken YOUR side. Personally, I'd drop your son at his grandparents/or with a friend, return home pack your BF's bags and ask him to come and collect them. His behaviour is and will continue to be bad for your son and will not teach your son how to treat women with respect/dignity/kindness or in any way that is conducive with a happy, healthy and fulfilling relationship. 50 is the new 40 in fact if you take care of yourself and get rid of this idiot 50 can be the new 30! Nurture yourself and your son and get rid of the tosser and his horrid family. You and your son deserve better. If financial support is what keeps you with him, take in a female lodger. Assuming the boat is in joint names he'll have no choice but to either pay you your share or sell it and spilt the money. Good luck xx

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He was the one that kept bringing it up. All I said was that they were rude. I tried to go on and act like I wasn't upset. After everyone left he brought it up again and I tried to say lets just forget it. He said I ruined the night and he was leaving and not coming back.

 

If he contacts me and wants to try to resolve it - which I don't think will happen in a million years because I would have to be the one to contact him - I'm going to tell him I don't think it can ever work because we have to different styles of handling conflict that just don't mesh.

 

I do have a problem though - we own a boat together and its a lot of money and I want my half. I guess I will have to take him to court.

 

Well, in that case then with more information I think that you telling him that would be the exact right move. I know that it's really hard and you probably feel numb right now, but the worst thing to do would be to settle for this sort of behavior because you are afraid of having to start over again. You aren't that old, BTW.

 

At this point in time the boat is the least of your worries. It is something which will have to be dealt with at some point but for right now I would just concentrate on doing the things you need to in order to sever ties and to begin to get over him. If he ends up buying you out on your half of the boat then spend the money on something nice for yourself--nice enough that the image of him on the boat this summer isn't such a big deal.

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I do think you overreacted, your son is 12? He's old enough to understand it's not about receiving

a gift from everyone. How old are the granddaughters? You can perceive their actions as rude ,

however some people do only give to family. If you don't expect, then you won't be so disappointed.

 

The bigger issue is how your BF handles conflict.

This is so unhealthy for both you and your son. He is his male role model.

He watches and learns. Such a bad example is being set.

I'm sure he struggles with why mom allows a man to disrespect her and she keeps forgiving bad behavior.

 

Most likely he will be back. Don't be so accepting. If he doesn't agree to work on

conflict resolution with you, to break this pattern, then you will always be left

feeling like this every time. It's unfair to you and your son to go through this.

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For what it is worth, I think it was very mean of his family to hand out gifts to the other children and not include your son, especially after knowing him for such a long time. You being upset was understandable, your BF lives with YOU he should have taken YOUR side. Personally, I'd drop your son at his grandparents/or with a friend, return home pack your BF's bags and ask him to come and collect them. His behaviour is and will continue to be bad for your son and will not teach your son how to treat women with respect/dignity/kindness or in any way that is conducive with a happy, healthy and fulfilling relationship. 50 is the new 40 in fact if you take care of yourself and get rid of this idiot 50 can be the new 30! Nurture yourself and your son and get rid of the tosser and his horrid family. You and your son deserve better. If financial support is what keeps you with him, take in a female lodger. Assuming the boat is in joint names he'll have no choice but to either pay you your share or sell it and spilt the money. Good luck xx

 

We don't even live together. Its been 11 years and he has made no move in the direction of selling his house and moving in with me. He keeps saying he needs more time. So not only is there no emotional support, there is no financial support either. After 11 years, we are still just dating. Only see him a few times a week. I've accepted this because I knew if we moved in together it would be the end. I can't live with someone who doesn't know how to communicate. I told myself a little companionship a few times a week was better than nothing. So now I can start over and hopefully the next relationship will be better.

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11 years of dating without moving in..?

I've accepted this because I knew if we moved in together it would be the end

 

How would it be the end?

I am getting a sense you have compromised some important aspects in order to be in a relationship with him, is that true?

 

I also noticed that your son's needs permeated your opening post, is it something about him or his feelings that worries you?

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11 years of dating without moving in..?

 

How would it be the end?

I am getting a sense you have compromised some important aspects in order to be in a relationship with him, is that true?

 

I also noticed that your son's needs permeated your opening post, is it something about him or his feelings that worries you?

 

Whenever we argue he storms out. If we lived together how could he storm out? He would have no where to go.

I am worried because my son adores my boyfriend. He is the only father figure he has even known. And now he will most likely never see him again. I worry about what that will do to him. He is only 12. I don't know how he will handle such a loss. If I'm having this much trouble I can only imagine what he is feeling.

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It sounds like your life will be better without him. Whose name is the boat title in and where is it? Offer to buy the boat or ask him to buy you out. Find out the value of it and ask him for your half. Court is in the event that he won't pay you half the value or sign the title over if you pay him half.

I'm going to tell him I don't think it can ever work because we have to different styles of handling conflict that just don't mesh. we own a boat together and its a lot of money and I want my half. I guess I will have to take him to court.
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It sounds like your life will be better without him. Whose name is the boat title in and where is it? Offer to buy the boat or ask him to buy you out. Find out the value of it and ask him for your half. Court is in the event that he won't pay you half the value or sign the title over if you pay him half.

 

 

Yes, I'm starting to agree.

 

The boat is in both of our names. I have asked him for half, he is ignoring me. I guess eventually I will have to take him to court. Maybe he will calm down and see that he owes me half and just give it to me.

 

I can't believe we were together for 11 years and now he won't even communicate with me at all - he has cut off all ties. Its crazy.

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