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Fiancee broke up with me - should we get back...if she even wants me back?


MilesTruelove

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My fiancée (24) and I (29) recently went through a pretty nasty breakup back in late November. We are engaged and have been together for four years. We had a really fantastic relationship for the longest time but within the last month (so beginning in October), it was almost like a switch had been flipped within her. Suddenly this girl who shared everything with me and who always had the warmest smile turned cold, distant, bitter and very depressed. She became highly critical of nearly everything that I did and each night our conversations would spiral into an argument and then she would either shut herself in our room or storm off and leave. It should be stated that we recently moved to a larger city (she has always lived in a small town and has severe anxiety), she just got her first real salaried job that is very high stress and demanding, her place of work is very dysfunctional, her relationship with her immediate family is not great currently, and she is taking college courses.

 

The breakup itself was just as nasty as the month that led up to it. I admittedly did not handle it well. I did the whole begging thing that is very unattractive and unbecoming of a partner. One of my first nights away from her I sent some pretty rude messages, too. It was not my best moment, for sure. My name came off of our apartment lease, I moved 75% of my stuff out of our place, we split our funds, I said goodbye to our cat and found a place of my own. For a couple of weeks, we contacted each other minimally. But then she started sending me texts. The texts were nothing profound or anything: she asked if I made it to work safely when our state got hit with heavy snow, she sent me a link to a discounted subscription to a magazine she knew I liked, she asked if I was okay after a pipe bomb went off in NYC as she knew that I was there at the time, etc. Little things, nothing big.

 

She knows where I stand on wanting to get back together. She knows that this has crushed me. I absolutely love this girl. She is my world. I have tried to sort through all of my emotions and I have tried to look at our relationship objectively. I have been going to counseling, I've tried to occupy my time in healthy ways, I have surrounded myself with a great support system of friends and family, etc. I just cannot get over how the greatest and most fulfilling relationship of my life came to what I think of as an abrupt end. I have my flaws but they're very fixable. Did she leave me for someone else? Is she having a life crisis of sorts? Perhaps she has just lost all attraction for me? I have been so confused by this whole thing. All I know is that she has not been sharing any information with any of our mutual friends or with her parents. She has also seemingly not been going out. I do not know who her support system is or how she is occupying her time.

 

I was initially going to go no-contact but I couldn't. Perhaps breaking NC was a bad decision but it does not sit right with me to simply cut off all contact with someone so important to me when I feel that there is something that needs to be said. I would not apply that logic to any other relationship so why should it be applied here, I reasoned. I did give her space and I am still continuing to do so. But a week ago, I asked her out to coffee. We met up at a place that I took her for her birthday in September (her choice) and we talked for two hours and even went by a store afterwards to do some holiday shopping. Our conversation started off light with us just catching up, it turned to us joking a bit and then came the dreaded, "We need to talk" from her. My heart sank. She told me that she had been unhappy, that I had said hurtful things to her as our relationship started to unravel, and that she knows that I want to reconcile things. She then started to cry in the restaurant and said that she would be open to a reconciliation but that she needed more time.

 

I did not know what to expect that morning but I was blown away by her stating that she would be open to reconciling after more time as this is not something she has expressed interest in since we broke up. So I decided to write her a letter. It essentially stated my continued feelings for her, that any issues that we have are things that I am committed to fixing, that I am interested in reconciling, but that if she is not, all she needs to do is just tell me and I will let go so I can adjust to the new reality of a life without her and begin the healing process. I said that if she was still open to reconciling, that I would love to take her out to lunch or dinner--that there was no rush in getting back to me. Days later, she messaged me stating that she would be open to dinner some time after Christmas.

 

So... this is where I am currently. The only person I have ever proposed to, someone that I have given four years to, broke up with me a month ago but now is open to maybe reconciling with me and getting back together. She is either open to reconciling, she is very cruel or she is very confused -- or she is all of the above, maybe. I have honestly never been so devastated, hurt and confused about anything in my life. I know breakups rarely provide happiness and clarity on matters but this one really takes the cake for me, personally. I want to get back with her but perhaps that is also emotions toying with me. Who knows? It takes two to make a relationship work and perhaps only time will tell what she actually wants.

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Sometimes people withdraw from relationships when they know that discussing their inner fears, doubts and insecurities may cause more problems than it solves. That would be one good reason for avoiding such conversations, especially until you can piece apart which of those issues are to do with yourself, and which you can comfortably attribute to the partner/relationship. These lines get blurred when you're intimate and in each other's space every day, and so are a valid reason for taking space from a relationship. In the very least she didn't give you false hope, she simply broke things off to get away and sort her thoughts out. I think that's more considerate than leaving you with false promises that she may never have been able to fulfil, although it probably doesn't feel that way right now

 

It sounds as though the best thing you could do would be to give as much space as possible. I know that NC doesn't seem right, but maybe just don't contact her unless she contacts you, and then hold back a bit so as not to overwhelm her with your own thoughts/feelings on the situation? I think she needs to be alone with hers for a while. That's what she's saying, right?

 

You'll have to be strong and justify that if you are to get back together, she needs this time to figure out what it is that she wasn't getting (or was unhappy with) in your relationship. Only then can you address those issues and move forward. So... just.. give space.

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I'm sorry :( give her the space she needs.

Don't contact her first, she knows how you feel.

If you reach out, she may feel pressured and completely back off.

She has a lot of stress she's dealing with. Until she finds a healthy way to manage

it, she can't even be a good partner for you.

Do respond if she does.

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What I have to say about all this; this is the risk you take when you decide to get engaged so damn young. Especially to this woman; 24 years old she is. Picture where you were at 24 and think if you honestly would have been ready for marriage yet at that age. People just don't have their lives figured out yet at 24. You pretty much said it yourself; she's confused, juggling work, jobs, and who knows what else. You know how many women I have come across (especially earlier 20's) who settled down too fast and/or with the wrong person? A lot. They get stuck in this rut; they don't really love that person, but now they're living together, made all these plans, etc. They get scared to back out of it or don't know how. And then someone potentially else comes along they're interested in, but they're too confused and scared to know what to do.

 

If I were in your shoes, I would move on and not meet with her. You gave her everything, she blew it for whatever reason. You should never have to "beg" someone to come back to you like that. If she was the right one, she never would have left you to begin with. If she had insecurities about marriage but honestly loved you, she could have maybe said she wasn't ready for marriage but still wanted to be together. There was a lot of things she could have gone differently here instead of acting the way she did. Why would you want to go back to that? Wouldn't you be afraid of her pulling this again? How would you feel if you actually married her and she did something like this? I also get the feeling she's not telling you something as well. It seems very bizarre she would do this out of the blue; maybe someone else made a move on her. I wouldn't put it past her; the dating game is full of vultures these days. It's normal/healthy for people to date others and see who they like/dislike. She didn't get to do much of that by being tied to you for four years straight.

 

Maybe she's not ready for marriage, nor views you are a lifelong partner. That's nothing against you; sometimes people just aren't meant to be together forever. Forever is a scary word to some. You know, engagement itself is a "phase" or stage in a relationship. You meet someone, to get know them, get serious/fall in love, engagement, then marriage. Engagement is that stage between being love and married. It's that stage you should use to evaluate if you want to spend your life with that person or not. There's thought-process/thinking involved here. It sounds like that's what this women did with you maybe.

 

I don't know, just a lot of red flags here. A young girl who hasn't dated too much (besides you), then you put a ring on it, make this big life decisions, etc. It's a big gamble. Yeah, you loved her, seen your life with her, blah blah blah, welcome to the club, pal. "Love" isn't always what it's cracked up to be. I've had people leave me over much worse. All I can say, maintain your dignity and self-worth. You did nothing wrong here (so it sounds like); she caused this. I wouldn't play stupid games with her, waiting for her text/call, etc. She should have never left you in the first place. Good luck.

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Sorry to hear this happened. Did she start seeing someone else at work or school?

Suddenly this girl who shared everything with me and who always had the warmest smile turned cold, distant, bitter and very depressed. She became highly critical of nearly everything that I did and each night our conversations would spiral into an argument and then she would either shut herself in our room or storm off and leave. she just got her first real salaried job and she is taking college courses.
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What I have to say about all this; this is the risk you take when you decide to get engaged so damn young. Especially to this woman; 24 years old she is. Picture where you were at 24 and think if you honestly would have been ready for marriage yet at that age. People just don't have their lives figured out yet at 24. You pretty much said it yourself; she's confused, juggling work, jobs, and who knows what else. You know how many women I have come across (especially earlier 20's) who settled down too fast and/or with the wrong person? A lot. They get stuck in this rut; they don't really love that person, but now they're living together, made all these plans, etc. They get scared to back out of it or don't know how. And then someone potentially else comes along they're interested in, but they're too confused and scared to know what to do.

 

If I were in your shoes, I would move on and not meet with her. You gave her everything, she blew it for whatever reason. You should never have to "beg" someone to come back to you like that. If she was the right one, she never would have left you to begin with. If she had insecurities about marriage but honestly loved you, she could have maybe said she wasn't ready for marriage but still wanted to be together. There was a lot of things she could have gone differently here instead of acting the way she did. Why would you want to go back to that? Wouldn't you be afraid of her pulling this again? How would you feel if you actually married her and she did something like this? I also get the feeling she's not telling you something as well. It seems very bizarre she would do this out of the blue; maybe someone else made a move on her. I wouldn't put it past her; the dating game is full of vultures these days. It's normal/healthy for people to date others and see who they like/dislike. She didn't get to do much of that by being tied to you for four years straight.

 

Maybe she's not ready for marriage, nor views you are a lifelong partner. That's nothing against you; sometimes people just aren't meant to be together forever. Forever is a scary word to some. You know, engagement itself is a "phase" or stage in a relationship. You meet someone, to get know them, get serious/fall in love, engagement, then marriage. Engagement is that stage between being love and married. It's that stage you should use to evaluate if you want to spend your life with that person or not. There's thought-process/thinking involved here. It sounds like that's what this women did with you maybe.

 

I don't know, just a lot of red flags here. A young girl who hasn't dated too much (besides you), then you put a ring on it, make this big life decisions, etc. It's a big gamble. Yeah, you loved her, seen your life with her, blah blah blah, welcome to the club, pal. "Love" isn't always what it's cracked up to be. I've had people leave me over much worse. All I can say, maintain your dignity and self-worth. You did nothing wrong here (so it sounds like); she caused this. I wouldn't play stupid games with her, waiting for her text/call, etc. She should have never left you in the first place. Good luck.

 

 

I agree that she is young and perhaps that is a part of the problem. She either wants to experience life without me at her age or she believes she has found greener pastures or maybe her depression/anxiety/stress is pushing her away?

 

We had been dating for a while and marriage was something that we had thought long and hard about. She is the one that actually initially brought it up. While my love for her might be unconditional, getting into a second relationship with her is very conditional. I really do not know how to proceed. I don't know what it is that led her to this decision. Again, it was like a switch was flipped within her. I just wish I knew what her primary motivation was for leaving. If it was for another guy or whatever, that would at least provide me with an answer that I could live with. From my shoes, this is a girl who I love more than anything. It is hard to simply let that go where I am currently at.

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Sorry to hear this happened. Did she start seeing someone else at work or school?

 

I really could not say. Her parents have been asking me what happened so she is not sharing any info with them. She has also not reached out to mutual friends. By her own admission, she has not been going out much -- she simply goes to work and then exists at home. When we met, she pretty much said she was miserable with every aspect of her life. There may very well be someone who she met and maybe she is rebounding with him. She does not do well alone, especially when sad/stressed/depressed and I am not sue who her present support system is.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Well, she is still messaging me with some frequency. She got the flu last week and missed three days of work so we did not end up going out as she had stated. I messaged her to see how she was doing over the weekend and she said that she is slowly getting better. Anyways, last night I asked her if she wanted to go out on a date with me some time this week and she stated that she would "check her schedule" when she is back at work and get back to me.

 

I am very confused by this girl. She broke up with me. The hard part has been done. She knows what I want. Why not just tell me to take a hike? Am I being strung along? Is she playing games? Is this a good sign?

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This sounds like the same tactic that my ex pulled on me. It's called "breadcrumbing".

 

Here's the thing: She's telling you through her behavior that she is CHOOSING to be away from you. Whether its with someone else, whether its alone.....it doesn't matter. How does it feel to have her state that she has to "check her schedule" to see if she has time in her busy life for you?

 

I would suggest that you tell her to get in touch with you when she's available and then walk away as if you're never going to see her again. Don't leave anything behind at her place and if she has stuff at yours, you box it up and leave it (unannounced) at her place if you don't hear from her in two weeks. You avoid mutual friends like a disease and you don't talk about the situation with any of your friends that could report back to her.

 

You have to create distance from her at this point. If she's still attracted to you, she'll reach out. If she doesn't, then you know everything you need to about her and the situation.

 

Then the really hard part comes into play. You will have to move forward with your life as though she isn't coming back. This will mean that you start working out, hanging out with other people....you are going to choose to do things how you want/when you want and with who you want. Kinda sounds like what she's doing too, right?

 

She may be rebounding with another guy and until she feels comfortable with him, she's going to keep making sure that you are still where you are and that she can come back when she feels like it. Nonetheless, she's taking the power away from you in this situation because she has you right where she wants you. The strongest thing you can do is walk away and mean it.

 

I feel for you because I've gone through what you're experiencing. It doesn't hurt if you don't have any emotional attachment. When you do, its hell.

 

Be strong. You're worth more than being treated like something disposable......

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  • 3 weeks later...

She has been reaching out to me more and more. The tone from her has changed big time. We talk each and ever day through messenger. When she seems me online, she reaches out. At the close of our conversations when she has to leave, she always says, "can we do this some more later if that is okay with you?" She has also told me that she misses talking to me. She even told her mom that she misses what we had.

 

She reached out last night and told me that she has a lot to say to me and that I should expect a letter in a day or two. I told her that, if I am being honest, I have felt like a door is about to close which is sad because we are finally able to talk again. Her response to that was, "Please wait for my response before you begin to get worried. My response coming slowly shouldn't lead you to believe anything other than I am dealing with sheer chaos in every aspect of my life. I understand how this must seem and I do not mean to leave you hanging." When I said that she did not need to write anything down, that we could meet and talk about it in person, she said, "I want to and we will." For so long when we would talk, our relationship was something that we did not discuss; we are finally to a point where we address it openly. She has even begun speaking to her mom about us which she was not initially doing.

 

She is sending the letter this week and then we are meeting next week. I am more hopeful than ever but still the confusion lives on.

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