Found suspicious things on My partner of 3 yrs phone

After three rollercoaster years together he finally made me feel like he wanted to be with me for life. He always asks me if when I’m ready , would I marry him? He spends everyday with me and when we’re at work we leave the phone open through the day .

It’s pretty perfect and we have been inseparable this whole time despite big challenges. We broke up a million times but we always got back together within a week.

 

During one breakup he went on vacation to Amsterdam and when we got back together he admitted that he went with a prostitute. It really hurt me but I forgave him.

 

Long story short , fast forward through so many breakups together and challenges we stuck together and we love eachother very much. I know he loves me a lot.

But this last month- even though nothing has changed in our relationship, a woman randomly texts him and I saw it.

He didn’t explain. We had a fight and he told me he didn’t know her , but somehow he showed me her profile on a hook up website for hit and runs , she was very cheap. To this day no explanation was given but I forgave , yet I still bring it up and he still didn’t resolve it.

 

Fast forward two weeks - and I find that his ex who was deleted from his Facebook is back on his friends list. He said she added him.

And he didn’t take her off

 

Then, he tells me he wants to go on a 4 day vacation to Europe to party and do drugs with husband brother. I said he should do what makes him happy but when he returns not to contact me. He didn’t go but kept nagging me about it.

 

When we are together he goes off to meet a guy friend Ans let’s me wait at the mall, he doesn’t go for long but I know his reason for meeting is not what he says. I knew he was buying pills from the guy.

 

Then last week I find a bag of pills fall out of his pocket he said it wasn’t his, when I ask him why his brother kept calling him like crazy , they were talking about pills, he told me to mind my own business.

 

It hurt me because he has the password to my phone and knows about every inch of my life and what’s in it- so when he told me to stay out of his business, he wanted me to merge him on a call with my employee and I said no. He used that as a platform to be angry at me for two weeks .

I told him I did that because he told me to mind my own business after 3 years of his full involvement in my whole life.

 

Yesterday by accident I found a conversation from him to a chat under a guys name on whatsaoonthat had a heart and a kiss in it- men from where we come from don’t do that , especially him. When I questioned him he took the phone , no explanation and deleted the message so I don’t read it.

 

I got really upset and told him it’s over . He didn’t leave he stayed the night and today he tried to act like nothing happened but when I didn’t but answer his calls he kept calling and messaging telling me all those lovely things I know he feels but doesn’t excuse his actions.

 

I told him if he wanted privacy it’s one thing but this is all too much- he takes prescription pills for fun, and doesn’t do drugs here but on vacation he goes wild on them.

He was begging and pleading with me for the 100th time and brought up not merging him on the call- so i cursed at him and told him it’s because he put that boundary with me . He hung up- blocked me and told me it’s over and switched his phone off.

 

I know he loves me but his “secrets” keep coming out and I know he wouldn’t take it if it was me doing this.

Do I try save the relationship or accept he can’t be a good partner in a long term relationship and end it?

Help.

It’s pretty perfect and we have been inseparable this whole time despite big challenges. We broke up a million times but we always got back together within a week.

You're relationship is FAR from "pretty perfect" in fact it's clearly a codependent, dysfunctional mess.

 

Don't assume he loves you... this is more like just another one of his addictions wherein he is too in it to leave and he knows you're just as codependent as he is so you're not going to leave him no matter how dismal he treats you.

 

Get out now and go cold turkey withdrawl through zero contact so you can rehab from your addiction to one another. You are with a loser and sadly you are turning a blind eye to it all. You're in denial if you think that what you've explained is "pretty perfect."

 

Get.out.now! Go get therapy to help you do it if you can't do it on your own.

 

When you continually break up with someone it is natures way of telling you you're with the wrong person. Listen to your gut, it's telling you to take flight so stop ignoring it.

All the other details don't really matter. You've broken up a million times. That isn't a functioning relationship. It's never has been one.

This relationship sounds horrible. You should not have been with this person for as long as you have. The constant breakups. The lies. The drugs. The prostitute! Run far away from him. You need this creep out of your life. There shouldn’t even be a question.

Your right. Thank you

Your right. Thank you

 

So... What are you going to do, Delila?

The fact you dumped him a "million times" is a clue to leave him for good.

 

He's cheated on you more than once- potentially bringing you viruses from sleeping with a prostitute. And he's doing drugs. These are serious dealbreakers to discontinue the relationship. Is this the kind of man who is husband material? A good father figure for your future children? I hell as hope not.

 

And don't be a doormat with this guy- kick his ass out of your place. He's got a lot of nerve to stay and give an attitude. That's why he's playing coy with you- because he knows he can get away with lying and cheating because you have given him free passes for his disrespect. He will do whatever he damn well pleases and shows zero respect for you. You don't need this kind of man in your life and the social consequences need to happen.

 

Get rid of him. Definitely do not marry this loser. There is no future with a man of this kind of character. You deserve better.

He comes from a very unloving background, his parents are very cold and mean, his step brother who he’s close to lives in the streets and his uncle who influenced his upbringing was a bad man- just went to jail a couple of weeks ago.

I know that he loved me because I showed him stability, trust, normality, love and I was the first person to ever care about him and actually show him.

In return he protected me and cared for me in every way , gave me all of his time and energy, I don’t want him to seem like a monster but these things lately I can’t take.

Today was breaking point ..

He changed a lot for me and those breakups were always him finding reasons that weren’t real but he realized the grass was greener over here which is why he always came back.

 

There’s so much to this story but I just wanted everyone’s opinion about what’s happened lately - I can’t talk to any of my friends so your opinions mean a lot

Having a bad upbringing is not an excuse to treat people badly. It can be a reason but not an excuse. It is good to know that difference. You can’t save him he has to do that .

He comes from a very unloving background, his parents are very cold and mean, his step brother who he’s close to lives in the streets and his uncle who influenced his upbringing was a bad man- just went to jail a couple of weeks ago.

So? What has that got to do with why YOU stay with a loser who is abusing you both mentally and emotionally with his "isms?"

I know that he loved me because I showed him stability, trust, normality, love and I was the first person to ever care about him and actually show him.

By doing all that you also ENABLED him to continue on in his psychologically deficient lifestyle. That is the gist of codependency.

 

In return he protected me and cared for me in every way , gave me all of his time and energy, I don’t want him to seem like a monster but these things lately I can’t take.

You shouldn't have taken them from the very first breakup. You should have laid down the law that you will not tolerate that kind of behaviour against your good self and if he did any of it again, you would be gone. If he did it again, then you should have left.

When we ended it tonight I tried to call him- such an idiot. He was trying to see me for 4 hours and I said no. When I tried to call him he switched his phone off and it’s still off. So I messaged him and told him what he did - in writing even though I’ve told him over and now over again since yesterday , I asked for my things he’s keeping for me and told him to go live his dirty life without having to keep it a secret- I said I can’t be a part of his game anymore.

He knows he’s wrong and he always tries to leave scot free of anything on him so I know it’s killing him that it ended because of him and his actions and not the other way round. But that’s it .

He comes from a very unloving background, his parents are very cold and mean, his step brother who he’s close to lives in the streets and his uncle who influenced his upbringing was a bad man- just went to jail a couple of weeks ago.

This has nothing to do with why YOU would allow him to treat you with such unloving, disrespect. HIS issues are not a reason for you to take on his mental and emotional abuse.

 

I know that he loved me because I showed him stability, trust, normality, love and I was the first person to ever care about him and actually show him.

And unfortunately, you doing all of that for a man that abused you is called codependency at it's finest. You enabled him in his dysfunction by rewarding him for his bad behaviour instead of doing the loving thing and letting him hit his rock bottom without you to keep him afloat. You could have left him with the caveat that if he got himself into rehab and stayed sober for at least a year to give you a call then.

 

In return he protected me and cared for me in every way , gave me all of his time and energy, I don’t want him to seem like a monster but these things lately I can’t take.

He didn't give you his all. He gave you just enough to keep you taking his sh** while he cheated and used and every other vile thing he did to you.

 

Today was breaking point ..

He changed a lot for me and those breakups were always him finding reasons that weren’t real but he realized the grass was greener over here which is why he always came back.

NO, he always came back because it was clear to him that you would take him back. He'll try to come back again if you don't get yourself into some sort of 12 step programme for codependents or therapy that will help you to realize that you deserve better then a lying, cheating, drug addicted child-man who has done NOTHING to come to terms with his own horrible upbringing and instead of getting the help he needs, turned to the lifestyle he's now addicted to.

 

There’s so much to this story but I just wanted everyone’s opinion about what’s happened lately - I can’t talk to any of my friends so your opinions mean a lot

Make it so he can not hoover you back in for more of the same. He is INCAPABLE of becoming clean and sober for any length of time without a professionals help. You would be very foolish to let him back into your life and I do hope you have the strength to keep I'm gone for good. You should talk to your friends about this so that they can support you as you rehab from your addiction to him.

 

Good luck staying strong and keeping him gone.

 

Adding:

When we ended it tonight I tried to call him- such an idiot. He was trying to see me for 4 hours and I said no. When I tried to call him he switched his phone off and it’s still off. So I messaged him and told him what he did - in writing even though I’ve told him over and now over again since yesterday , I asked for my things he’s keeping for me and told him to go live his dirty life without having to keep it a secret- I said I can’t be a part of his game anymore.

He knows he’s wrong and he always tries to leave scot free of anything on him so I know it’s killing him that it ended because of him and his actions and not the other way round. But that’s it .

 

Stop talking to him. Cold turkey withdrawl through ZERO contact. Block and delete him as soon as you get the first inkling that you're going to contact him. By talking to him, you're stagnating the healing process.

Your relationship is very toxic. If you have broken up multiple times, you are not compatible.

 

At the very least he emotionally cheats. He also has a drug problem.

 

Don't understand why you set your standards so low in a partner! I hope that you do not bring kids into this mess!

 

I don't think he loves you. This does not sound like love to me. You are also co dependent, and in denial.

I feel so stupid. I was fully aware I deserved better but I wanted to try everything I could for it to work- so if it didn’t I would have at least known I tried everything.

 

He said to me today he tried everything to make me happy, to him his efforts were huge as this was his first proper relationship that spans more than a couple of months.

I told him his effort is what normal people do and more.

I’ve just reached the end of my tether - I can’t keep giving my life my family and my friends up for him anymore even though it hurts - I’ll make it because I know I wasn’t the problem.

Classic case eh?

I feel so stupid. I was fully aware I deserved better but I wanted to try everything I could for it to work- so if it didn’t I would have at least known I tried everything.

 

He said to me today he tried everything to make me happy, to him his efforts were huge as this was his first proper relationship that spans more than a couple of months.

I told him his effort is what normal people do and more.

I’ve just reached the end of my tether - I can’t keep giving my life my family and my friends up for him anymore even though it hurts - I’ll make it because I know I wasn’t the problem.

 

 

Classic case eh?

 

Why???? You should have been done after the second break. This guy is a manipulative loser! He does not respect or love you!

 

What does your family think of this creep?

 

Get some therapy for your co dependence.

 

Lastly, I don't care about his background. He is an adult. I don't understand what attracted you to this type of dynamic?

I feel so stupid. I was fully aware I deserved better but I wanted to try everything I could for it to work- so if it didn’t I would have at least known I tried everything.

You went above and beyond what any person with a good set of personal boundaries in place and a decent self-respect would have done. Healthy people do not give more then one chance to a cheater, a drug user, an abuser.

 

He said to me today he tried everything to make me happy, to him his efforts were huge as this was his first proper relationship that spans more than a couple of months.

Why do you think he couldn't keep a woman by his side? Goodness, surely you realize that they left because the discovered early on that he has issues that they would never be able to fix.

[qute]I told him his effort is what normal people do and more.What "effort" did he put in? What? trying to be a decent human being in general while he failed at it? pfft. Dude needs psychiatry and AA.

 

I’ve just reached the end of my tether - I can’t keep giving my life my family and my friends up for him anymore even though it hurts - I’ll make it because I know I wasn’t the problem.

I hope you mean what you're selling us because you've given him far too many chances already. Do the loving thing and keep him out of your life. Perhaps if yet another woman leaves him he'll get the hint that he's not capable of being in a healthy relationship in the emotional/mental state he is in. He needs far more help then you could ever give him. You can't love the dysfunction out of him, clearly.

Classic case eh?

Of codependent dysfunction... yes. You are emerging out of your denial now though so that's a start.

I am. I’m stronger because this is not the first time he leaves. I got used to it.

This time it’s me who left.

I have never spoken to anyone about this and I never thought I would put it on a forum but I knew it was time and your feedback is really helping me .

I’ve already blocked and deleted , I justvwanr my things and he can be history.

I know his is the right thing and while I feel sad - I feel free.

He wanted me all for him, he used to go nuts when my mother visits - it was so hard. He hates all my friends and , the idiot (me) changed everything about my life to fit the relationship.

I told him yesterday when I saw that text that what I’ve lost for him is not worth what I’m getting back.

I’m an idiot- I know.

THANK you all for your feedback, it really means a lot

He does not love you. If he did, he would be making more effort to stop the cheating and the drugs. But I'm just repeating what everyone else said.

 

But what is this about him wanting to merge into the call with your employee? Why did he feel the need to meddle in your work life? Have you guys worked together or is this his way of trying to control your life?

I think itÂ’s more of a control thing he wants to know everything about everything and everything about everyone I remotely have something to do with.

 

When I didnÂ’t merge him he thought I had something to hide ... itÂ’s insane. IÂ’ve dealt with this in a far worse way before with him, he made me block professional contacts because they were guys,

 

He hates the fact that I deal with men in my work and he made me leave behind friends who had a liberal lifestyle , he always spends his time with me so he can be the one to take me out late, but me staying out past 930-10 is no way.

 

Today he contacted me and I told him how I feel but he wonÂ’t accept it. I wonÂ’t see him but he can stand outside my door for an hour ringing the doorbell and he will if I donÂ’t answer.

Sorry to hear this. If you stay with him you will have more roller coaster rides, a lot of heartache and perhaps a few STDs along the way.

After three rollercoaster years together

We broke up a million times but we always got back together within a week.

During one breakup he went on vacation to Amsterdam and when we got back together he admitted that he went with a prostitute. It really hurt me but I forgave him.

We had a fight and he told me he didn’t know her , but somehow he showed me her profile on a hook up website for hit and runs

he tells me he wants to go on a 4 day vacation to Europe to party and do drugs with husband brother.

He said to me today he tried everything to make me happy, to him his efforts were huge as this was his first proper relationship that spans more than a couple of months.

Liar, liar, pants on fire.

 

If he cared so much about you and your happiness then he wouldn't be sleeping with w**res from a brothel. At this point he's creating excuses. He's a cheap shot.

 

He hates the fact that I deal with men in my work and he made me leave behind friends who had a liberal lifestyle , he always spends his time with me so he can be the one to take me out late, but me staying out past 930-10 is no way.

So it's ok for him to make you give up your friends and potential potentially your job. In return, he flies off to other countries to stick his penis in some unclean hole and dope up.

 

Girl you need better standards for yourself. Why stay with this loser?

 

Today he contacted me and I told him how I feel but he wonÂ’t accept it. I wonÂ’t see him but he can stand outside my door for an hour ringing the doorbell and he will if I donÂ’t answer.

Call the cops too while you're at it if he sticks around.

I think itÂ’s more of a control thing he wants to know everything about everything and everything about everyone I remotely have something to do with.

 

When I didnÂ’t merge him he thought I had something to hide ... itÂ’s insane. IÂ’ve dealt with this in a far worse way before with him, he made me block professional contacts because they were guys,

 

He hates the fact that I deal with men in my work and he made me leave behind friends who had a liberal lifestyle , he always spends his time with me so he can be the one to take me out late, but me staying out past 930-10 is no way.

 

Today he contacted me and I told him how I feel but he wonÂ’t accept it. I wonÂ’t see him but he can stand outside my door for an hour ringing the doorbell and he will if I donÂ’t answer.

 

 

 

Do not EVER allow someone to control/manipulate you into cutting off loved ones, business associates and friends. Good god, girl, how did this get so bad??! He is a cheating, lying, emotionally abusive, drug abuser. He is really bottom of the barrel!

 

Call the police! Be done with this POS!

 

Please seek therapy in 2018!

I think itÂ’s more of a control thing he wants to know everything about everything and everything about everyone I remotely have something to do with.

 

When I didnÂ’t merge him he thought I had something to hide ... itÂ’s insane. IÂ’ve dealt with this in a far worse way before with him, he made me block professional contacts because they were guys,

 

He hates the fact that I deal with men in my work and he made me leave behind friends who had a liberal lifestyle , he always spends his time with me so he can be the one to take me out late, but me staying out past 930-10 is no way.

 

Today he contacted me and I told him how I feel but he wonÂ’t accept it. I wonÂ’t see him but he can stand outside my door for an hour ringing the doorbell and he will if I donÂ’t answer.

He is a classic abuser. Here is a link that I think will help you to stay strong and even give you advice on what to do if he is harassing you which ringing your doorbell for an hour definitely is.

 

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm

 

There are telephone numbers near the end of the page.