Grieving and Dating

So my mother had recently died a few months ago from her battle with cancer of two years, and it is my senior year in college. It was really hard for me to see my mother go through all the pain that she went through especially the last 2-4 months where her health deteriorated extremely fast. At the time I was dating this girl and we eventually broke up because she transferred to a different school. I understand why she did, but it just hurt because I opened up to her about my mom dying and she said she would comfort my mom when she came back but obviously she didn't. I tried to date this one girl shortly after but she had a boyfriend and she let me down easy which was nice of her because I dont know how I would've reacted otherwise. I was just depressed and lonely at the time. I have tried to wait to feel better about my mom's death before I try dating again but I know I have trust issues from relationship which I relate to my mom's death cause it happened around the same time And my ex made big promises to me that she didn't keep. I know I can treat a girl properly but I don't want them to deal with my mental issues but I don't think I can keep it from them without lying or by some other means. I feel so alone and depressed all the time even though everyone that sees me in public thinks I'm happy. They say this feeling never goes away so in my mind I should try to date someone right now because my feelings won't change or at least anytime soon. Dating someone might even make me feel better. I've talked to multiple people about this but what do y'all think? Should I try to date someone now or should I wait?

First off I'm so sorry for your loss.

Grief does get easier but it takes time, grief is something that eases in stages it's not something to be rushed but to fully express.

As with that being said sure dating would help you meet new people and enjoy fun activities. As for looking for something serious I would wait until you are further along the journey of being healed. Maybe some grief counseling and making new friends and just remember what it's like to laugh again and have a great time.

As for your mental health when the time comes and that special lady catches your eye just be upfront she'll be worth pursuing if she understands and accepts you for you.

Lisa

Yeah, you should certainly get out there and date or hang out with friends, or just walk around and see the Christmas decoration to distract yourself. You've suffered a double whammy, grief from losing your relationship and grief from your mother dying. You're allowed to grieve. It's OK to. Talk to your friends and relatives about what you're feeling and it'll help. Now, I'm not saying your grief will suddenly disappear. It can take years to get over the death of your mother. But it does get better with time, it really does. And you may find a new girlfriend can certainly help you in healing.

Deepest sympathy for the loss of your Mom.

Your school tuition covers mental health counseling on campus. You've already paid for it, so I'd use it. The counselor can help you decide when you're in the right place to date. A blanket mistrust of 'all women' based on past experiences isn't something you can bring into a relationship without it coming out sideways, so I'd address that first.

Thanks for all the replies! I might go to counseling at my school. Some of my friends have recommended that.

It's just hard sometimes because my dad has an early stage of prostate cancer and his health isn't great (I forgot to put that in. I don't know why because the anxiety from that made me write what is above). I just feel like I am at the age where I am just supposed to handle this well and with grace. It's just mentally draining to deal with this. He always asks if I am dating someone because I think he just wants to see me happy again. I almost want to date someone great to make him happy again if that makes sense.

You don't need to have answers in order to seek counseling. The counselor can help you find the answers that are right for you.

I have tried counseling and at first I felt like I was getting better but then I just started to feel worse. I'm in Graduate school but I feel like I don't fit in cause most people in that class are full grown well-functioning adults about 10 years older than me and I just am struggling to focus all my close friends I normally talked to on a daily basis either are about to get married, dating someone, or they have a full-time job so I can't talk to them that much. So I usually just keep this inside because I have to. The only direct blood member I have left is my dad and I feel like he is going to die soon because he has prostate cancer that seems to be getting better but I thought my mom's cancer was getting better than she died within 2 years. I keep trying to perform well but I honestly don't see the point. I'm an athlete and I get so frustrated even when others think I perform well. I always look in the stands and imagine where my mom would be sitting and it breaks my heart. There are a few girls that my friends have tried to set me up with but no girl seems attractive to me because my last girlfriend was so nice to me so idk who is genuinely a good person anymore. I know I need to find a significant other soon cause soon I might not have anyone but myself to pick myself up. I know this honestly just sounds like complaining but I just don't know how I can support myself at this awkward time of my life where I somewhat support myself but I still kinda lean on my parent and if my dad does I feel like my depression will get worse and I already struggle with my depression every day. If anyone has advice I'll gladly take it cause I have no idea what I should say or do.

Sorry to hear this. Pour yourself into your studies and forget about dating. Dating involves emotions and interpersonal interactions. This is the area that is hurting right now. Instead refocus on academics. It is not only a distraction, you can open your mind to and excel at whatever you are studying. Time will help with the grief but trying to be there for a dating situation will only hurt you at this time.

So my mother had recently died a few months ago from her battle with cancer of two years, and it is my senior year in college.

I have tried counseling and at first I felt like I was getting better but then I just started to feel worse. I'm in Graduate school but I feel like I don't fit in cause most people in that class are full grown well-functioning adults about 10 years older than me and I just am struggling to focus all my close friends I normally talked to on a daily basis either are about to get married, dating someone, or they have a full-time job so I can't talk to them that much. So I usually just keep this inside because I have to. The only direct blood member I have left is my dad and I feel like he is going to die soon because he has prostate cancer that seems to be getting better but I thought my mom's cancer was getting better than she died within 2 years. I keep trying to perform well but I honestly don't see the point. I'm an athlete and I get so frustrated even when others think I perform well. I always look in the stands and imagine where my mom would be sitting and it breaks my heart. There are a few girls that my friends have tried to set me up with but no girl seems attractive to me because my last girlfriend was so nice to me so idk who is genuinely a good person anymore. I know I need to find a significant other soon cause soon I might not have anyone but myself to pick myself up. I know this honestly just sounds like complaining but I just don't know how I can support myself at this awkward time of my life where I somewhat support myself but I still kinda lean on my parent and if my dad does I feel like my depression will get worse and I already struggle with my depression every day. If anyone has advice I'll gladly take it cause I have no idea what I should say or do.

Honestly if you wait until the grief subsides you will find a much better match for yourself and be more available to her at the same time.

One of the reasons I like this forum is that people help me process my thoughts and feelings about dating and relationships and dating... my friends are mostly coupled up and don’t have very good advice for me about it.

Keep talking about how you feel here, continue with therapy to move through your grief. Allow yourself time to heal and honour your feelings around your mom... and don’t date until you feel better.

I have tried counseling and at first I felt like I was getting better but then I just started to feel worse.

Counseling isn't a feel-good solution that you enter like a car wash and come out clean and feeling fabulous. It's work. It also feels lousy at times before you can progress to feeling better.

I'd get back into counseling and stick with it. Set a list of goals for yourself and have the counselor keep you accountable. Report your progress in the steps you take toward reaching your goals, and keep adding to the list.

Having a focus a staying accountable to that is the antidote for free floating anxiety and assigning hopelessness to your life.

It's a decision, and it often requires help from someone who is trained in this stuff.

Head high, you can do this.

Thanks for all the replies!

I'm kinda having a hard time focusing on things this week. My dad just started talking to me aboutdatingsomeone else. He hasn't found someone yet but the idea doesn't necessarily hurtbut it is so weird and I'm more depressed this week then I have been in awhile. I have projects and presentations this week but I am just struggling to wake up right now. All of my close friends have a girlfriend or a fiancee so everywhere I look I see someone in a relationship. I'm not overexagerating this because I'm lonely but this doesn't help my loneliness. People try to encourage me to date but no one seems attractive even a girl who I used to think was the prettiest girl in the world isn't attractive to me anymore. I hear from multiple people that I inspire them with how I deal with everything in life but I honestly just feel like I stuck. My dad is awesome but he's not comforting and honestly makes me exhausted after I hang out with him. I just need to focus on one thing but due dates are catching up to me and I feel so overwhelmed. All of my really close friend (about 5 people) are all extremely happy and everyone else I somewhat know seem at least a little happy. I just want to be happy but I feel like my own mind is keeping me from taking the proactive steps to make myself better or at least make myself not feel lonely by giving a girl a chance.

Hey guys I've talked to a few close friends about this but none of them know what the best thing to do is. Technically my father did nothing wrong or illegal. It was inappropriate but not illegal.

My dad helps some of my friends get free flights or cheaper flights. So he has the number of many of my friends and he grew fond of one of my friends who was a female. He always texted her a lot. I didn't find this alarming because he texts a lot of people about flights and is friendly to everyone he meets. Anyways he proposed to her and she's younger than me! There is over a 40 year age difference between the two of them. My friend obviously rejected my dad and was freaked out /concerned. My dad always talked about wanting to date younger women and her but always exclusively. He always asked why I didn't date her and I gave him my reasons but I feel used and lied to by the one literally last person in my life I'm supposed to trust. He hid this from and I've decided to keep my distance and not reply or pick up his calls because the thought of him/ his presence gives me a great amount of anxiety. I broke that rule once last week when he blamed me for things that were not true and I replied just to show him I'm serious and will stand my ground he didn't reply to that and is now asking for forgiveness.

It is technically one mistake but it's a big mistake and it's not an easy thing to just put behind especially with this rough year I've had. I've been told that if someone causes you anxiety you should cut them out of your life but its difficult cause he's my dad and if I do that I'll practically be an orphan with only one relative I can contact (my cousin). I know I'm an adult so I should just get over it or move on. I could kinda support myselfbarely but I'm at a period that will last about 3 years until I transition to a real job but my dad still controls a lot of my stuff financially. Like he could take my car away and stuff if he wanted to.

I usually go to counseling for this but they've had to cancel 2 out of the past 3 weeks

So idk what do yall think I should do?

Technically my father did nothing wrong or illegal. It was inappropriate but not illegal.

 

[...] I usually go to counseling for this but they've had to cancel 2 out of the past 3 weeks

 

So idk what do yall think I should do?

You get to decide how uncomfortable you want to make yourself by the degree of 'inappropriateness' YOU want to assign to Dad's behavior.

When I was 21 I moved in with my Dad who's friend was mid-divorce. Friend visited drunk, while my Dad was working in his wood shop. Friend propositioned me to go 'take a nap' with him.

I was livid and indignant when I complained to my Dad. He replied, "You're an adult. How well do you think you handled it?"

Not the response I was looking for.

"Fine," I admitted, "but that misses the point. Aren't you going to DO something?"

"You already did all that needs to be done. Either you're an adult who can turn down propositions you don't want, or you are not. You've claimed that you are, and I believe you."

"Are you going to stay friends with this guy?" I asked.

"If you'd taken up with him, you would have wanted me to respect that decision. You have not taken up with him, and I respect that decision. That is the limit of your entitlement in the matter. How I opt to handle my own friendship with [the guy] is between him and me."

As adults we're entitled to choose our own perceptions of people and our own boundaries. Those boundaries require us to respect the same of others. Your friend is entitled to view your Dad any way she wishes, and so are you.

Choose wisely.

Meanwhile, ask your counselor to refer you to someone who can maintain a regular schedule with you.

I met with my dad today because I had to pick up something from the house. It was the first time I've seen him in about a month and before I met with him I analyzed his actions for a long time and have come to the conclusion that he's a narcissist his narcissistic tendencies were hidden or somewhat controlled when my mom was alive but now that she is dead he has no friends including me to keep his thinking in check. I remember when I confronted him about proposing to my friend and at first he questioned my memory or knowledge of the event (the definition of gaslighting). I stood up to him and told him how inappropriate his actions were and how they made me feel. He ignored that played the victim until he realized I was not going to change my stance. He always apologizes for the "burden" his actions have caused and never actually apologizes for the actions themselves because he does not understand that the way he approached this young lady was inappropriate. I realized that the only reason he is being nice to me is because he is lonely and can't make friends for him to talk or hang out with. He has prostate cancer which is shrinking everyday so I feel bad for him but when I'm talking to him. I just feel sorry for him cause he does not realize anything that he is doing. I tested the waters by correcting him on small things like an idea or train of thought and he shut me down every time. I still care because he is my dad but I feel like I am just his therapist who will be verbally attacked with no boundaries if I do something he doesn't like. He talks about how he has no friends but proceeds to tell me of an interaction he has had with someone about how I or we should act. I feel like he is just manipulating me but I don't want to give up on him. I've been through a lot this year and my dad has actually been the main trigger for my depression.

How should I approach this situation???

How old is your father? Is it possible he has early signs of dementia (poor judgement, etc.) or pseudodementia (complication of untreated depression/grieving/illness)? It would be best to stay out of his personal life and encourage him to see a doctor and get therapy for grief/depression. Don't discuss your personal life or moral opinions, etc. Guilt trips don't help you or him, nor do standoffs or taking shots at each other. You as well could benefit from grief counseling and treatment for depression. Focus on that rather than him.

He has prostate cancer

...he has no friends including me to keep his thinking in check.

I tested the waters by correcting him on small things

Who's idea is it that you are responsible for correcting him or keeping his thinking in check?

If you want a good relationship with your father, skip playing mind police, and practice saying, "Thanks, I'll consider that..." whenever he tries to do it to you.

Demonstrate the level of respect you wish to be shown. If you don't want him 'correcting' you, then don't do it to him.

Stick to topics that you can tolerate for his sake, and change the subject without quarrel whenever you feel insulted. Keep reminding yourself that once he's gone you'll know that you did your best to keep your relationship in tact.

If I'm missing something about true 'reality testing' where he doesn't know what month or year he's operating in, then consult with your local hospital about a referral to a case worker. If he's suffering a degree of confusion that can put his safety at risk, then that's entirely another matter and should be dealt with by professionals who can also advise you on how to handle him.

Hey guys I've talked to a few close friends about this but none of them know what the best thing to do is. Technically my father did nothing wrong or illegal. It was inappropriate but not illegal.

 

My dad helps some of my friends get free flights or cheaper flights. So he has the number of many of my friends and he grew fond of one of my friends who was a female. He always texted her a lot. I didn't find this alarming because he texts a lot of people about flights and is friendly to everyone he meets. Anyways he proposed to her and she's younger than me! There is over a 40 year age difference between the two of them. My friend obviously rejected my dad and was freaked out /concerned. My dad always talked about wanting to date younger women and her but always exclusively. He always asked why I didn't date her and I gave him my reasons but I feel used and lied to by the one literally last person in my life I'm supposed to trust. He hid this from and I've decided to keep my distance and not reply or pick up his calls because the thought of him/ his presence gives me a great amount of anxiety. I broke that rule once last week when he blamed me for things that were not true and I replied just to show him I'm serious and will stand my ground he didn't reply to that and is now asking for forgiveness.

 

It is technically one mistake but it's a big mistake and it's not an easy thing to just put behind especially with this rough year I've had. I've been told that if someone causes you anxiety you should cut them out of your life but its difficult cause he's my dad and if I do that I'll practically be an orphan with only one relative I can contact (my cousin). I know I'm an adult so I should just get over it or move on. I could kinda support myselfbarely but I'm at a period that will last about 3 years until I transition to a real job but my dad still controls a lot of my stuff financially. Like he could take my car away and stuff if he wanted to.

 

I usually go to counseling for this but they've had to cancel 2 out of the past 3 weeks

 

So idk what do yall think I should do?

Your dad is grieving as well and very lonely. and he lost his wife to something that is not always, but often considered something attached to age.

I know as far as people who have been widowed whom I know - the women cling to family and friends and often don't end up dating for years if that, but the men who are in their 60s to 80s are very lost in their day to day functioning without a wife and tend to couple up as soon as possible. I think that he mistook friendliness for attraction and you should forgive him this time and just try to steer him towards grief counseling. Honestly, he might be blaming you for things -- but that is part of grief and you have blamed other people for things as well (the girl you are dating before your mother died and such gave you "trust issues" - honestly you can't blame her for doing what was best for her studies. Its not like she cheated on you).

I think you both are not on your perfect behavior right now - grief is weird. I think you should not cut your father off. the girl handled the issue herself (rejected him) and its done. Your father needs to be steered towards help, not lose his wife AND his son.

You get to decide how uncomfortable you want to make yourself by the degree of 'inappropriateness' YOU want to assign to Dad's behavior.

 

When I was 21 I moved in with my Dad who's friend was mid-divorce. Friend visited drunk, while my Dad was working in his wood shop. Friend propositioned me to go 'take a nap' with him.

 

I was livid and indignant when I complained to my Dad. He replied, "You're an adult. How well do you think you handled it?"

 

Not the response I was looking for.

 

"Fine," I admitted, "but that misses the point. Aren't you going to DO something?"

 

"You already did all that needs to be done. Either you're an adult who can turn down propositions you don't want, or you are not. You've claimed that you are, and I believe you."

 

"Are you going to stay friends with this guy?" I asked.

 

"If you'd taken up with him, you would have wanted me to respect that decision. You have not taken up with him, and I respect that decision. That is the limit of your entitlement in the matter. How I opt to handle my own friendship with [the guy] is between him and me."

 

As adults we're entitled to choose our own perceptions of people and our own boundaries. Those boundaries require us to respect the same of others. Your friend is entitled to view your Dad any way she wishes, and so are you.

 

Choose wisely.

 

Meanwhile, ask your counselor to refer you to someone who can maintain a regular schedule with you.

Your dad is awesome about boundaries.

How old is your father? Is it possible he has early signs of dementia (poor judgement, etc.) or pseudodementia (complication of untreated depression/grieving/illness)? It would be best to stay out of his personal life and encourage him to see a doctor and get therapy for grief/depression. Don't discuss your personal life or moral opinions, etc. Guilt trips don't help you or him, nor do standoffs or taking shots at each other. You as well could benefit from grief counseling and treatment for depression. Focus on that rather than him.

He does not show signs of dementia but he does show signs of grieving and depression. I know he went to some type of therapy which is why I don't talk about him going to therapy cause he seems proactive with that stuff. I do go to counseling myself once a week

Who's idea is it that you are responsible for correcting him or keeping his thinking in check?

 

If you want a good relationship with your father, skip playing mind police, and practice saying, "Thanks, I'll consider that..." whenever he tries to do it to you.

 

Demonstrate the level of respect you wish to be shown. If you don't want him 'correcting' you, then don't do it to him.

 

Stick to topics that you can tolerate for his sake, and change the subject without quarrel whenever you feel insulted. Keep reminding yourself that once he's gone you'll know that you did your best to keep your relationship in tact.

 

If I'm missing something about true 'reality testing' where he doesn't know what month or year he's operating in, then consult with your local hospital about a referral to a case worker. If he's suffering a degree of confusion that can put his safety at risk, then that's entirely another matter and should be dealt with by professionals who can also advise you on how to handle him.

I know I am not responsible for his actions but I am afraid that if he does not realize some of his actions are legitimately inappropriate and wrong it could lead to him hurting this girl, someone else, or himself.

When I meant testing the waters I never attacked him. For example, I commented on an eye issue I had and told him what the nurse recommended that maybe I should wear sunglasses when I go outside he said it was completely wrong and there is no way I should buy sunglasses even though there is a reasonable explanation for me getting them. I never attacked him or his character in this meeting it is just discouraging because I am not a psychologist but every action he makes further confirms his narcissistic tendencies. The only reason the conversation didn't turn into a fight is cause I said "Thanks that sounds like a good idea"

He knows what year it is and everything he just does not truly see how any of his actions could hurt or affect others cause he is so focused on himself.

Your dad is grieving as well and very lonely. and he lost his wife to something that is not always, but often considered something attached to age.

I know as far as people who have been widowed whom I know - the women cling to family and friends and often don't end up dating for years if that, but the men who are in their 60s to 80s are very lost in their day to day functioning without a wife and tend to couple up as soon as possible. I think that he mistook friendliness for attraction and you should forgive him this time and just try to steer him towards grief counseling. Honestly, he might be blaming you for things -- but that is part of grief and you have blamed other people for things as well (the girl you are dating before your mother died and such gave you "trust issues" - honestly you can't blame her for doing what was best for her studies. Its not like she cheated on you).

 

I think you both are not on your perfect behavior right now - grief is weird. I think you should not cut your father off. the girl handled the issue herself (rejected him) and its done. Your father needs to be steered towards help, not lose his wife AND his son.

I understand the issues he is having and I'm trying to help him. I listened to him for months about a lot of stuff he was going through even if some of the stuff sounded weird. I know I am not perfect but it is extremely difficult to talk to someone who constantly shoots you down and disagrees with you about everything and anything you say without them realizing what they are doing. Many people say I need to limit contact with him cause his tendencies trigger my depression a lot of the time.

I think it is reasonable to have some trust issues when your girlfriend lies to you on multiple occasions and your dad has lied to you as well. When I broke up with my gf I said I understand why you made the decisions you did but you lied to me so I don't want to be with you anymore. I cut off all contact with her to keep me from hurting her more. I can't hang out with my dad because he has broken all trust and has tried to gaslight me. I know I am not perfect but I never projected my pain on to anyone on purpose. I project most if not all my pain on to my therapist.

I understand the issues he is having and I'm trying to help him. I listened to him for months about a lot of stuff he was going through even if some of the stuff sounded weird. I know I am not perfect but it is extremely difficult to talk to someone who constantly shoots you down and disagrees with you about everything and anything you say without them realizing what they are doing. Many people say I need to limit contact with him cause his tendencies trigger my depression a lot of the time.

I think it is reasonable to have some trust issues when your girlfriend lies to you on multiple occasions and your dad has lied to you as well. When I broke up with my gf I said I understand why you made the decisions you did but you lied to me so I don't want to be with you anymore. I cut off all contact with her to keep me from hurting her more. I can't hang out with my dad because he has broken all trust and has tried to gaslight me. I know I am not perfect but I never projected my pain on to anyone on purpose. I project most if not all my pain on to my therapist.

Asking this girl out is not "breaking your trust" - its not something he did to you - he propositioned, she turned him down. Its something he did to her - not something he did to you.

Don't offer him solutions, then. just do some father and son stuff and when he starts to talk about things that you don't want to talk about, talk about something else. Maybe don't see him every day, but you will regret cutting your dad out of your life.

Asking this girl out is not "breaking your trust" - its not something he did to you - he propositioned, she turned him down. Its something he did to her - not something he did to you.

 

Don't offer him solutions, then. just do some father and son stuff and when he starts to talk about things that you don't want to talk about, talk about something else. Maybe don't see him every day, but you will regret cutting your dad out of your life.

You're right it is not breaking my trust (he asked her out multiple times and proposed to her where she denied him every single time)but please read my whole message before replying because I said he gaslighted me about the situation. Gaslighting is when someone questions your memory about something to the point where it can be altered for their benefit. He lied to me about the situation tried to hide it and I've read the texts between him a 65 year old and her a 20 year old and they are very inappropriate even though it is not illegal even though it was close cause he stalked her to the point to where she showed up at her place unannounced. I am not trying to play victim or control my father but what he did is so close to being illegal.

I'm honestly tired of him cause I'm doing all I can for him and do what he says all the time even if it does not make sense I keep him accountable by correcting him once in my entire life and he makes me out to be the bad guy. Basically there is no point in talking to him because I see how he was and is manipulating me now. I can't tell when he is lying or telling me the truth now.

I know I am not responsible for his actions but I am afraid that if he does not realize some of his actions are legitimately inappropriate and wrong it could lead to him hurting this girl, someone else, or himself.

 

When I meant testing the waters I never attacked him. For example, I commented on an eye issue I had and told him what the nurse recommended that maybe I should wear sunglasses when I go outside he said it was completely wrong and there is no way I should buy sunglasses even though there is a reasonable explanation for me getting them. I never attacked him or his character in this meeting it is just discouraging because I am not a psychologist but every action he makes further confirms his narcissistic tendencies. The only reason the conversation didn't turn into a fight is cause I said "Thanks that sounds like a good idea"

 

He knows what year it is and everything he just does not truly see how any of his actions could hurt or affect others cause he is so focused on himself.

Your dad is an adult. He's dealing with other adults who can handle themselves. So leave dad's business to dad.

If you don't want to be manipulated, then stop manipulating. Deal with dad at face value, and recognize that you don't need to do what he says--and he doesn't need to do what you say.

Head high, and liberate yourself from self-created problems.