Not sure if theres value in spending money and leaving the country a second time

I am a 28 year old female in a long distance sort of complicated relationship with a 29 year old male. We met almost three years ago online and after a little over a year we met in real life. We were both sort of shut ins, he hadnt been in a relationship in awhile and i had never. We went a long time without even showing pictures. I was very self conscious about myself because i was bullied as a child from being overweight, ugly and not having a lot of money. I was pushing two hundred pounds in early high school basically. However due to eating disorders my weight has constantly fluctuated and i was able to essentially starve and restrict myself down to well below 150. My bmi, unfortunately is still fairly high, and i carry the weight i still have between 125 and 140 in a not so nice way.

So while at five feet five inches, the weight is not considered obese, i am still obviously fat. And had some effects of losing weight on my skin such as some stretch marks and some loseness of skin. Working out did not work and i didnt straight up tell him these things before meeting. He expected me to be skinnier and also did not expect stretchmarks and the like. Basically when we did meet, it affected how he saw me and as a result of course, affected the sex. I know he's not attracted to me and that those issues may never be fixed even when losing weight, and i accept responsibility for that. The lack of attraction affected me mentally almost the whole time and basically, even though we had an established friendship, made me react vindictively towards him. Though i was also on birth control for the first time and he was taking an anti depressant as well which could have contributed to some things. I developed a very bad attitude towards him and basically started to resent and dislike the situation. However, he continued to be affectionate and accepting, even going as far as to being upset that i couldnt stay longer. Its been almost a year and he wants to meet again, and has said he loves me. However im hung up on the obvious lack of attraction he had towards me, even after another year of working on myself and losing and gaining, and i still dont know if its possible for the sex to be nice, which i feel is one of the main parts of a relationship. He is obviously attracted to other females, which is understandable but also hurtful because i dont know if i can ever be like the girls he likes. He says little things that reinforce his attraction to other females as well, which is in his right to do as its my fault for not being upfront with him in the first place. But to me that means it should lessen his feels for me, not get stronger? So i dont understand that.

I would be completely ok with ending the relationship if that were to make him feel more free in choosing a life partner that meets his physical needs, but he doesnt seem to be open to that or doesnt understand that thats ok. Almost as if he feels he HAS to stay or is obligated to settle with me. I dont know if i can handle that kind of relationship. I dont even know if we should meet in real life again. Though i do love him. I am in between jobs right now and have to earn and save up money to meet again, but im no longer a hundred percent sure its worth the money to fly to another country if the relationship is going to be a stagnant relationship formed out of desperation or longing to settle due to our age. I know that another woman would be better for him but i dont want to lose his friendship. I also dont want to come across as having led him on, because im not wanting to break up for selfish reasons at all. I dont even know that i want to break up. I just dont know if meeting again right now is a good choice when im still not satisfied with my own body enough to have any confidence in regards to the physical aspect of the relationship.

Why does he get to make the decisions? Don't you control your own feelings and life?

Why are you flying to him AGAIN? Why doesn't he come to you?

Why aren't you looking for someone local? Not someone you can hook up with once a year.

OK. There are a lot of issues here. First of all, you've learned the lesson of online relationships. It's taken you 3 years to get to the point where you could have gotten to after going away for a single weekend with a guy. From the many relationship questions concerning online dating submitted on ENA, it seems to attract many people who are depressed, autistic and bipolar who are afraid of real contact so they do it online. But it's not real dating, and you've found that out. You didn't post your picture or describe yourself so now you're not sure whether your online boyfriend is physically attracted to you. And again, it's taken 3 years to get here. In a real relationship you would have known this immediately. I hope you will pursue a real relationship in the real world.

Secondly, your boyfriend is probably in the same boat as you. The reason he is dating you online is because he has some form of social anxiety and he probably doesn't meet women in the real world. If all he knows about is girls in porn videos, he's going to be disappointed by all the girls in the real world. Of course, he's going to be attracted by pretty girls he sees, but all guys are. If I were you, I would ask him the questions you posed here such as if he's attracted to you and if he still wants to have sex with you and why. You may find out your real image is better than your self image. By the way, according to several charts, your weight is at the ideal level. You probably have loose skin rather than fat.

Again, I'm not supporting you having this kind of a LDR, but I think a lot of what you think of yourself may be caused by depression. And your boyfriend can obviously make his own decisions about who he wants to date. So consider these in your decision to visit him or not.