Dating with E.D. – how to break it to her?

How do I bring up to a new dating partner that I suffer with E.D (psychologically induced)?

I’ve been dating a woman for over a month now…. We have kept it light and just started getting into kissing and heavy make out. She was over last night, and we were close to doing the deed, but I obviously didn’t want to go further as I was afraid she’d find out about my issue and be disappointed…

Anyway, my story is as follow….

I'm a 40 y/o guy, and I have been suffering from ED most of my adult life. However, my ED is caused psychologically, as I was "deflowered" later in life (22 y/o) by a very experienced first girlfriend. Long story short, I was incredibly nervous the first few times, and as a result, it didn't work well. Instead of being understanding and compassionate, she basically did what a woman should NEVER do... CRITICIZED me for it!!!! It became a focal point issue for the remainder of our (short) relationship, and a constant issue and performance fear since.

My question is this:

Do I tell her BEFORE anything happens, and be honest with it?

I can certainly use pills, but I don’t have a Rx ready.

Or do I just let things happen, and explain it as it does?

Are women in general understanding of this issue, esp when men find ways to work around it and ensure the woman is pleasured accordingly?

Don't rush into things. Keep romancing her. In the mean time see the doc and get the rx. If it happens, just roll with it pleasuring her and say "I get nervous sometimes" then move on. No elaborate discussions or talking about past experiences and certainly don't preempt this before it's time.

How do I bring up to a new dating partner that I suffer with E.D I can certainly use pills, but I don’t have a Rx ready.

As a mature woman I would be pretty upset if I wasn't told upfront. Especially after a month of dating. You are not 20 years old, you are 40...mature adults communicate. And when it come to relationships, communication is key.

IMO you should had have this stuff figured out before having someone get invested. It would have alleviated the stress and you wouldn't be here.

As a mature woman I would be pretty upset if I wasn't told upfront. Especially after a month of dating. You are not 20 years old, you are 40...mature adults communicate. And when it come to relationships, communication is key.

Ok... so, at what point in the dating process should I have been "upfront" in communicating this?

Over dessert during our first date? Whisper it in her ear during the movie on our second date? Put it on my OLD dating profile?

I understand communication is important and I agree. I intend to be very upfront about it which is why I'm asking the best way to do so, and best time to do so.

It's generally not something that a guy waves around like a flag.

I am pursuing a relationship, and prefer a woman know and respect the 90% of me that does NOT revolve around sex FIRST vs the 10% that does.

How many other partners have you had in the past 20 years, since your first incident? Have you always had this issue?

Have you worked with a therapist to get past this?

What exactly.....happens....or doesn't? Can you not stay erect? Can you not get erect? Is it premature ejaculation? Not that the specifics matter, and you don't have to share that here, but there are many things that have come out in the past 20 years, since your first time, that could help. Medications, physical type therapies, going to a sex therapist, etc.

Something that a cruel person said to you one time 20 years ago shouldn't affect you for the rest of your life, unless you let it. While yes, that was awful, you need to sort out this very important issue before you bring another person into it.

It really depends on what she's like. I imagine you need someone that allows you to feel pretty relaxed and comfortable and not judged.

I used to date a guy, we'd be having sex and sometimes he'd go soft and he'd get really frustrated with himself. I honestly didn't care too much. It obviously mattered more to him. I did kinda wonder if I didn't turn him on but I didn't dwell on it and that was more an insecurity about the whole relationship.

This is gonna come down to you guys. I think as you say, if you ensure she's happy, it's no biggie and hopefully will evolve into a place where it's just comfortable.

Hi LH. My issue is getting erect and staying erect. I know I physically work b/c I wake up rock hard in the AM and middle of the night.

I've had a total of 4 serious GFs. The first as I mentioned was not helpful with the situation, and yes I think it carried over all these years. My last 3 relationships were understanding, and we found ways to work around it to ensure my partners were pleased. They understood there was plenty more to the relationship than just sex.

I haven't pursued therapy b/c I wasn't able to pinpoint the problem until just recently. I used to be a heavy smoker and drinker, so I thought that was the cause, so I quit. But still had issues. I was recently diagnosed with moderate sleep apnea and read that may be a cause to, but not positive if that is what causes it for me. But also, I had understanding partners who were pleased with what I was able to provide, both outside the bedroom, and the alternate means of pleasure inside the bedroom.

I have an Rx for Revatio (generic Viagra) that my Dr. called in, and have an appt. with a uro first week of Jan.

How many other partners have you had in the past 20 years, since your first incident? Have you always had this issue?

 

Have you worked with a therapist to get past this?

 

What exactly.....happens....or doesn't? Can you not stay erect? Can you not get erect? Is it premature ejaculation? Not that the specifics matter, and you don't have to share that here, but there are many things that have come out in the past 20 years, since your first time, that could help. Medications, physical type therapies, going to a sex therapist, etc.

 

Something that a cruel person said to you one time 20 years ago shouldn't affect you for the rest of your life, unless you let it. While yes, that was awful, you need to sort out this very important issue before you bring another person into it.

I have an Rx for Revatio (generic Viagra) that my Dr. called in, and have an appt. with a uro first week of Jan.

These should help, and I'd strongly recommend finding a psychologist that you can talk to, who can give you the name of a great sex therapist in the area.

I applaud you for recognizing this issue and wanting to have a relationship and work within the framework of the issue. I also applaud you for stopping drinking heavily & smoking. Wow!

Your new girl is lucky to have you. I think that the right time to bring it up is once you decide to become exclusive with someone, or prior to having sex the first time. Not a huge discussion, but sort of a hey, I've got something to discuss with you. Watch her reactions. A kind, supportive gal is going to want to work with you, not give you a hard time about it. If she does, well then you know what you can show her....the door.

Think of it in reverse: if you began seeing someone you really liked, but she has some sort of sexual issue. She likes it, and wants it, but let's say she has a real dryness issue, or something like that. She can use lube, she can get therapy, and she's willing to admit what she's doing, but she wants to work with you to make it great for you both. How would you react? My guess is, with kindness, compassion, and understanding. That's all you're looking for from this woman....if she gives you anything else, buh bye.

Ill be totally honest with you.

I had a similar experience with a man. I told him I had to think about it.

After some careful consideration I wanted to ask him some questions. First and foremost, what had he done to try to rectify the situation?

"Well. . nothing"

"Why not? After all, you are on a dating website. Are you not looking to fully participate in every way in a romantic relationship. And if so, why haven't you seen a doctor or a therapist?"

At some point I felt a little annoyed. Because honestly, there was a time during and after my divorce that I wasn't capable in participating in a relationship.

Not for performance issues, but emotionally and otherwise.

I went to therapy and I went to the doctor. I took medication for anxiety and depression. I spend sometime alone and worked myself.

I did all this before I took my show on the road and considered myself dateable.

When I pressed him further he volunteered to do all these things. Again, somewhat at a loss `Why now and why not before you signed up to date?"

Him: "Because I hadn't been motivated before"

Anyway, the jest of my post is you should have at least looked into a possible solution before you dated.

It's a gamble. She may find it a minor inconvenience and willing to work around it. She may not.

I don't mean to sound insensitive. Men have it harder (excuse the pun) Women can get away with performance issues. Men cannot.

I wasn't disappointed that he had ED issues. I was disappointed that he chose not to do anything about it.

But this all might have been avoided in the first place.

Please consider yourself valuable enough to try to find a solution.

Edit: I see you went to the dr and are looking into it. I wish you the best.

Thanks Reinvent.

I can understand your point of view as to "why now?"

To be honest, I was fortunate to have uunderstanding partners in the past where we worked around it, instead of facing it head on. I admit that's partially my fault. I figured if we were able to work with alternatives, why bother trying to fix it.

As to why not hold off dating?

Because there is SO much more to dating (to me) than just sex. There's companionship, and the rest of the emotional and physical connection that isn't just a penis entering a vagina or mouth.

Plus, I would guess therapy would be somewhat useless if I'm single, because w/o a partner, how can I know if the therapy is working?? I dont really have erection issues while I masturbate...

Thanks Reinvent.

 

Plus, I would guess therapy would be somewhat useless if I'm single, because w/o a partner, how can I know if the therapy is working?? I dont really have erection issues while I masturbate...

That's a great question I hadn't even considered.

I don't pretend to have all the answers and yes, there is a lot more to a relationship then penetration.

I guess my response was colored by my own experience. We continued dating and his dr told him he needed to do 4 things:

Masturbate regularly, take medication, use shots for performance and go to therapy.

He did 2 out of 4 in the beginning and ultimately stopped doing any of the recommended things.

When I tried to talk to him about it he became defensive and mean. It seemed like he ultimately didn't have the intention on working towards a resolution to begin with.

End of story.

It wasn't because of his ED issues. It was his attitude about it.

But this isn't about me :) You seem like a good guy and open to talking through it and eager to work together on a solution. . one way or another.

Again. . I wish you the best.

It wasn't because of his ED issues. It was his attitude about it.

Yeah, that's where I'd have a problem with that too. Acknowledging a problem is one thing; acting on it is quite another. And add an attitude? Um, yeah, no.

I think that going to a therapist about this is a great idea. Also, I know this is difficult, but try not to worry about your performance!! Try to live in the moment during times and focus on your partner and the connection, and don't worry about going soft. You stay hard while masturbating, so that is a good sign. I would also consider talking to your doctor and getting pills. They might help you get and stay hard, and it will give you the confidence you need during sex.

If you know what the problem is, then why did you not seek out professional help?

If you know what the problem is, then why did you not seek out professional help?

It's certainly easy for a woman to suggest that to a guy.

But you have to understand, this is an EXTREMELY sensitive, personal, and certainly embarrassing issue for guys. It's not as easy to approach as say going to a doctor for a cold. To be honest, I had an easier time addressing my drinking issues with someone than this.

Also, I had supportive and understanding partners in the past who were ok with exploring alternatives.

It's certainly easy for a woman to suggest that to a guy.

But you have to understand, this is an EXTREMELY sensitive, personal, and certainly embarrassing issue for guys. It's not as easy to approach as say going to a doctor for a cold. To be honest, I had an easier time addressing my drinking issues with someone than this.

 

Also, I had supportive and understanding partners in the past who were ok with exploring alternatives.

A partner might be really understanding, but they can't help you fix it. Only a doctor, or a therapist, or a medication, can.

You can tell your partner you've developed a disease, and they can be super helpful, but you need a qualified professional. Which is what I recommend.

You'll have to get over your discomfort, and remember, this is what these people do for a living.

As a women sex is very important and would be on my mind after the 2nd or third date. I feel you have been dancing around this issue for sooooooo long that is now has become a REAL issue that you can't get yourself out of, and to cover that up you are making excuses like, "MM well there are other important things to a relationship than just sex blah blah blah..." You are definitely in denial/avoiding things, looks for the easy solution rather than just dealing with it, and admit to yourself you need to get your act together. It is what it is.

As for when you should say something....not when you are in bed getting ready to get it or not on. That is the worst thing to do to someone. You tell them when you know the next step is sex, and that can be on the couch after the movie is over, or when you are out for a walk, or when you both acknowledge you both are starting to like each other. Your sarcastic comments about it, is avoidance, and being persnickety. You need to just own it. You ain't gonna find no pity party here.

This is a really important thread here, and I just want to thank you for having the courage to share this and reach out.

What you're dealing with, really, isn't uncommon. There is an absurd amount of pressure on men to be these sex-obsessed stallions who go rock hard the moment a woman (any woman!) fiddles with the buttons of her blouse that we can feel like flawed failures when the machinery refuses to work. And yet between the two extremes (stallion vs wet noodle) there is so much wonderful ground to explore. That's where love and connection is, as well as the real heat and fire humans can produce between the sheets.

Sex, love, intimacy, connection: part of the excitement to all that is how scary it is. For men as well as women. I know that for me, as a man just a little younger than you, I need to feel a certain degree of trust (far more than, say, a body type) to be aroused. I've been like this since I was 16. Sometimes that trust is kind of an illusion—it's there right away over drinks at the bar, good for a hot weekend, maybe more. Sometimes I need to express a level of vulnerability in order to be aroused, and find that trust, especially if I can feel myself becoming emotionally invested. It's almost like my body refuses to perform because my heart is scared of being hurt.

And I let women know this when I'm feeling it, which can be a blast (and really hot!). When I first had sex with the woman I'm currently seeing I became kind of overwhelmed—where was this going? what did it mean?—that I couldn't get aroused (even though I'd been super erect when our clothes were on). I'm a confident guy, super masculine in plenty of cliche ways: I'm fit, ride a motorcycle, blah blah. But I'm also open, into therapy, yoga, my feelings, and have no shame in these moments—if anything, I see them as more potentially erotic than some kind of detached porn sex.

I just said to her, "Hey, I'm kind of overwhelmed. Guess I just need to know I'll see you again after this." This wasn't a game—it was just me being straight. She looked at me and said, "Seriously? I'm doing this right now because I already want to be doing it a month from now." The moment was so sweet, so hot. There was trust, connection, an erection, a lovely roll in the hay. Doesn't mean we're now getting married or anything, but we got on the same page, emotionally, to access the physical. And it's been a sublime month since...

I'm sharing this just to say you're not alone, not defective, though it sounds like you're just starting to own some inner complexities that you've spent a lot of adulthood hiding from. Some therapy will do you wonders on that front, but it takes time. And so: Viagra! Give it a go, as most people taking those pills are doing so for the same reason. No shame there as well! Think of it as sexual Xanax: it'll give your body a little jumpstart, and allow you to relax and be present in the situation instead of worrying about your erection (because nothing kills an erection quite like worrying about it). Think of it as a little tool, not something you need because you're broken...

My advice, in this situation, would be to go the Viagra route before going the full ED confessional route with a new prospect. Pop the pill, make out, see what happens down below. You can then let her know about this as you get more comfortable—or, hey, you can share all this now, have some fun with it. I know plenty of men who use Viagra to get over the early jitters and then find they don't need it once they're comfortable and secure with a sexual partner—again, one of these truths that people just don't talk about enough.

Anyhow, hope there's something in my ramble that resonates.

Great post from bluecastle, very enlightening (as his posts usually are).

I concur and the fact you're able to get hard while masturbating suggests that your ED is mental/emotional, based on your ambivalence/anxiety surrounding emotional and sexual *intimacy* within the context of a relationship.

Fear, anxiety, *vulnerability* perhaps even insecurity among other things.

Which is precisely why you may want to consider getting some sort of professional help even while single.

Something about the closeness, the vulnerability and intimacy of sex within the context of a close relationship scares you.

Have you ever considered this possibiloty at all?

Viagra will help but it's a band-aid and won't resolve the deeper issue-- your fear of intimacy (albeit subconscious but manifests into the sexual arena) which as bluecastle said is pretty common and widespread.

Edit: Also, I hope you don't take offense but I am wondering if your ED would occur when having sex with a prostitute or a woman you feel no emotion for, a women you picked up in a bar for example, just for sex.

Not that you would, but just curious.

And to answer your question as to when to tell her.

Tough question to answer, just my opinion but if I were having this issure (and women experience fear of sexual intimacy as well) I would want to get to the root of why it happens (again with the help of a qualified professional) before attempting to get into a close committed relationship.

Good luck!

I also think you'd do well with seeing a sex therapist. You can also talk with one online if you feel too uncomfortable to go in person.

Do it more for yourself than anyone else. Undo the damage that was done so you can once again feel confident about yourself.

Thanks Reinvent.

I can understand your point of view as to "why now?"

 

To be honest, I was fortunate to have uunderstanding partners in the past where we worked around it, instead of facing it head on. I admit that's partially my fault. I figured if we were able to work with alternatives, why bother trying to fix it.

 

As to why not hold off dating?

Because there is SO much more to dating (to me) than just sex. There's companionship, and the rest of the emotional and physical connection that isn't just a penis entering a vagina or mouth.

 

Plus, I would guess therapy would be somewhat useless if I'm single, because w/o a partner, how can I know if the therapy is working?? I dont really have erection issues while I masturbate...

Any woman would be lucky to have you, true.

I agree sex is only a piece of the puzzle and as a woman, who has been with a man will ED, it really isn't a big deal to the right woman.

But with that being said I agree with another poster who said you should see someone about it. Since it seems to be mental is curable.

I wish you luck, but I think you will be fine.

Why did we revive this 8 month old thread? LOL