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Thread: Iím changing, but itís to late.

  1. #1
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    Iím changing, but itís to late.

    This weekend has been terrible. Itís been 8 months now. Feels like 8 years. I crave her touch and attention.

    Why canít I move forward?
    Maybe itís because we are still in contact. Having a daughter with this woman has haulted my healing so much. Some days Iím grateful to have her still in my life, anchored together by a beautiful little girl, and a strong bond formed over a largely toxic 8 year period.

    Iím breadcrumbed by her. Though she would not call it that herself. She seeís a normal healthy coparent relationship. I see an emotionally attached man who canít let go of this girl he betrayed and spent the biggest part of his life to date with.

    Do I really love her?
    Or am I feeling this way because I canít have her. Because she fell in love with another man a few short months after our breakup. The feeling of defeat has definitely amplified my desire for her back.
    I feel completely pushed out and replaced. I spend all my free time with my daughter. And Iíll be fighting forever to keep this strong bond I have with her, before Iím replaced in the new ďhappy familyĒ scenario they seem to be playing.

    Iím aware this is normal. People split, new partnerships are formed and kids are introduced to new step parent figures. Doesnít make it hurt less. I am nowhere near ready to even date yet, never mind bring another person into my daughter lifeís.
    I fully deserved this.

    Sheís is 26, and I am 28. Our daughter 4.
    Our relationship was destroyed by betrayal. I was a sporadic drug user. And over the years, drugs gave me sexual desires I never had when I was a teenager. I would lose my head, and do anything to get laid. Once she took me back, I subconsciously knew I could continue. We broke up, got back together in less than a week each time. And each time I promised a thousand promises. Never to keep any.

    I know itís over now. She held on till the very last minute. Until my presence disgusted her. The relief she felt when I left our home was huge. I felt it. She was happy, living life whilst I was building a new one. One Iíve since become stagnant in.

    I remember the night someone was in our home. I knew something was up. She was being funny about me coming over, and waited at the door to hand over my daughters belongings. Running to the car to great us with this over compensating voice and manor.
    ďIs someone in the house?Ē I asked.
    ďNoĒ she replied, ďdonít be sillyĒ
    I asked her friend to swear on my daughters life. The look on her face said it all.

    Thatís when it all started. The same guy who was there that night will be there tonight. Itís the same guy sheís with. The same guy with a drug habit. He may not cheat, but I thought she wanted better. I had quit the drugs since I seen her at a local music event not long after I moved out. She asked me if I was high, I said no. She knew damn well. She looked disappointed. I was disappointed in myself.
    Maybe that night confirmed things for her even more. Solidified her choice maybe.
    Her friends were trying to convince me to not let her go, sheís amazing they said! ďLook at that bodyĒ
    As if it was my choice. She heard the conversation and sat with us. Asking me what her friend had been saying. Why didnít I fight for her then? Maybe, just maybe I could have saved us!
    But no, that wouldnít have happened. I hadnít learned enough. Iíve changed so much this year since that day.

    That night was the last night I spent at her house. A close mutual friend of ours had some heartbreaking news. Causing a huge scene. I left with them back to my old home. She offered me to stay in bed with them. I declined. I spent about 2 hours that night convincing the mutual friend how amazing she was, and that she didnít need the man who had let her down. The look on my exís face... she knew I was a good man. She still knows.
    That night she came downstairs for a drink. Passing me on the couch before diving into me, holding me tightly. Completely naked. I wondered a lot about that. Maybe if I had pulled her to one side right then and looked her deep into her eyes the way I want to now, and told her how stupid I was and how perfect we were together.

    Would that have changed things?
    Again, no. Maybe it could have halted her diminishing feelings for me. But I would still be the same.
    Iím grateful for the breakup. It taught me a lot.

    You lose so much of yourself when you are coupled with Someone. We went from living with my parents, no responsibilities, to having a baby, jobs and and house and car within 9 month. I fell asleep on her. Asleep on us. I was never ready for any of it. I wish I had ended it before the bridge was so badly burned. Maybe we could have found each other again.

    Right now, our relationship is good. But the time we spend together is not helping me move on.

    Last Tuesday we took a spontaneous trip to town together to shop for our daughter. And later had a play date at her house. Her boyfriend will ring in these times and she is so open about me being there. Kinda wish she would lie. Make me feel like I was something she needed to hide. Like sheís doing something wrong. But her honesty speaks volumes for her. And volumes for her lack of romantic feelings for me now.
    I flirt with her casually. She laughs and smiles. I know there is something there still. However small it may be. But she has tunnel vision in relationships. If sheís with you itís only you. Her heart wonít let her feel for another.

    Iím holding onto this friendship but I want nothing to do with it. Iíve been of the hope that if Iím there for her, i can show her Iíve changed. Show her how good we can be. It goes against everything they say about no contact. Make them miss you! How would distance make her miss me when I spent so many years being that way. It would only confirm what sheís learned about me thorough out our time together. And obviously by taking this route I get to see her. I love seeing her and making her smile. Sheís struggling now. To pay bills as her job is much less payed than mine. Again, i offer help and sheís always declined. She wants to appear strong but I know she isnít. I leave money when I go around. I slipped a note into her dressing gown last week as we smoked together outside. She didnít decline. I want her to see I can support her. And regardless of my motives, I always will. Itís a promise I made and a promise Iíll keep whether we reconcile or not. I couldnít keep promises before.

    Itís my daughters play tomorrow at school. Iíve got the day off work, and Iíll attend with her mother. Iím tempted to chat afterwards, and tell her I canít do this anymore. Sheís get all the benefits of me being there, but her romantic and sexual needs are fulfilled by another man. The thing is, she will think, ďcanít do what?Ē And downplay our whole relationship. Of course itís platonic, Iím aware. But most exís donít communicate like this. She leans on me through struggles and sometimes sheís approached me before her partner. As she doesnít want to appear weak to him. She fears that once her weakness is exposed, he will on her like I did. Like a lot of people do. Sheís got such a huge heart.

    The trigger for this possible conversation and me ending our friendship till Iím healed came last week on the play date. I joked about how she lost me, it was back an fourth banter. She replied,

    ďI havenít lost you though, Iíve still got you as a friendĒ

    Am I deluded. Iím not sure anymore. This feels strange to me, but its my first breakup. What would someone on the outside looking in think..

  2. #2
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    "What would someone on the outside looking in think."

    Some people just aren't built for monogamous relationships.

    Given your past indescretions, maybe you're one of them.

  3. #3
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    Woke up this morning, got my daughter ready for her Christmas play at nursery. Went to her mothers to pick some things up. I didnít get out the car. Didnít even look at her. I care for her immensely but Iím sticking to my guns here. Friends we can be, but spending time together will be no-more. I canít move on because of this.

    I noticed she changed her profile picture this morning to her and her friend. Not because Iím snooping, but the messenger on which she messaged me this morning shows this. Unusual.
    The relationship status ďsingleĒ

    Of course I wondered why but itís not my business.
    She called to ask when I was picking her up because we had to be there for 10.15am

    I got to the house, sheís only 2 minutes from me and about a minute from nursery.

    I arrived and she looked distraught, said she was just having a cigarette.
    I ignored her emotion, and was on my phone. Then, she broke down.

    ďAre you okayĒ I asked
    ďItís happened againĒ she bawled.

    Obviously I know what she means. Heís betrayed her. After 6 months.

    I ran to her and squeezed her. I really felt for her. I asked her to quickly pull herself together or I think she should stay at home.

    She declined. Sheís ruthless like this. Always pushing on through heartache.

    My daughters play was amazing! So proud of her. ďMy mummy and daddyís here!Ē She shouted.
    Sheís so immensely proud of us and it melts my heart. The play lasted about 30 minutes, with Christmas songs and activities. We took pictures and videos, then spend 10 minutes at the end hugging her and letting her know how proud we was.

    I took her mother home, no words were spoke. In the car. She did keep looking over at me in the play. I hope she seeís the man I am now.

    Even if the impossible did happen. She wanted me back, it may only be because of heartbreak. She needs time alone. I hope she has the time to reflect on things. She made the right choice leaving me but I know we are meant to be. And I would never hurt her again. This year could have broke me, and would have broke a lot of men. But Iím still here, still breathing. And Iím ready to move on. I just need to cut this cord, but it didnít seem the right time to talk.

    Should she get back with him? I canít say. I did the dirty, and I changed. Maybe he can to. But I know no matter what happens, Iím the better man. And our family is worth fighting for if thatís what she wanted.

    But for now, time apart from conversations other then them about our daughter is definitely needed.

  4. #4
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    Please only communicate in what is necessary for your daughter. I would consider, though, going to a mediator to stipulate that your daughter cannot be exposed to drugs/no sleepovers with boyfriends while she has your daughter.

    i would say when she crosses the line, say "since you are not interested in a relationship and you have a boyfriend, i think its not appropriate to talk about anything but our daughter. I am not a shoulder to cry on."

    I will say that also, the two most important things are your daughter and sobriety. keep up with both. Be an amazing dad to her.

    And one other thought: If she is attracted to druggies, she may no longer be attracted to you when you are one year, two years, 5 years sober, your appearance changes to one of health and you are doing well in whatever you do for a living. you will meet a woman who does not waste her worth on drug abusers and it may be a healthier dynamic.

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  6. #5
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    She is by no way attracted to drug users. She hates drugs as she has a last with them that nearly ended her life. But sheís fallen for a guy who promised her the world and he happens to take them recreationally as I did. I know they wonít last. No relationship of hers or mine ever will because we belong together.

    She is honestly a good person. I think she fell for someone when she was low. Sheís never slept around and is always loyal. And introducing a man to my daughter was a massive step for her not taken lightly at all. She waited about 4 months and I respect that. Now that heís betrayed her she will be kicking herself.

  7. #6
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    Received a phone call this morning. I was working till 4am so I was going to ignore but you canít do that when someone has youíre child.

    She asked if I could pick our daughter up tomorrow from nursery and get her settled at her house, because she has to stay on later at work and wonít make the pick up time. I usually have her Friday till Monday. But I help during the week too when I can. Iím home tomorrow so itís no problem. I agreed.

    Why did she not Ask if I could have her overnight at my own home? We are 2 minutes apart. Iím wondering if she did it this way, so she would see me Thursday. I could be totally wrong. But apart of me feels thereís a reason...

    Tbh, Iíve been thinking about her since Monday, when she broke down in tears. I wasnít really there for her. I had a chance to go into the house that day, but I left. I think it was the right decision. I need to look after myself now.

    Itís hard not to think about what may or may not occur tomorrow night now.
    How hilarious would it be if she literally comes home and I leave, nothing said. I wonít lie, Iíll be a little hurt, but then itís back to the plan which Iíve barely started. Not much progress will have been lost.

    Iíve imagined kissing her. Lots of emotions involved and a really deep conversation. Iíve pictured myself saying ďnoĒ as the kissing got more intense. I want to be respectful and a gentleman now. I have changed so much I donít even recognise myself sometimes.

    The pride she would have to swallow would be immense to make a move on me. Itís like admitting she was wrong to leave. I would disagree straight away. Losing my family was the hardest but best thing that ever happened to me because without that, I wouldnít be who I am now.

    Regardless of tomorrowís outcome, I still want to continue growing and I wouldnít be giving all that time to someone else. I think thats a healthy thing to say. I will not be in another stifled relationship. Time spent together will be quality time no doubt, but Iíve got so much more to learn and a path I must still walk on my own. No one should abounded their own path, but build thereís along side someone elseís, crossing into one every now and then.

    Reporting back tomorrow.

  8. #7
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    We had a talk today. I upset her and that upset me.
    I told her I smell a rat in him and as bitter as that makes me look, its true. I know what a rat smells like because I was one.

    She asked me to leave the house at one point. I came across as cocky. ďHe will never be meĒ I said. Sheís tired of hearing that.
    She said she would always love me, and wants to be my friend. I said thatís not what I want. She also said we would never get back together.
    Sheís in a dark place and she blames me for it. For her arguments with her boyfriend and the spiralling of her mental health. I accept that and Iíd do anything to take back my treatment of her within our relationship. I did things I canít even imagine repeating on here yet.
    I got very emotional, I said things I didnít plan saying and some things I did. I also left out some things. But my emotion in the situation was true. She will never see me whilst he is shining so bright in her eyes and I told her this. But in time his light will diminish into darkness. And my hope for reconciliation will only depend on how she views me then. How bright I shine to her then.
    I held her one last time after I told her I canít continue being friendly with her. She agreed that our relationship is unhealthy. We have fun and spend some time together but itís not healing me. I hope Iíve done enough in this time to help her see I mean all I say to her and will keep my promises. I know that I will because I want all the same things as she does. I fear for her wellbeing and feel entirely responsible for the way she handles her emotions now.

    I am truly sorry my sweetheart. I wish you could see how I view you now.

    At times I felt her really listening to me, Asking me to repeat certain things that I said. Almost as if I was getting through to her. I will never expect her trust to return enough for her to commit to me again but I know she still loves me. I explained to her that I am in her life forever and that for me is a blessing as-well as a curse. She will see me become the man she dreamed I would be and that is enough for me. Even if we wonít ever share a bed again and walk hand in hand down the road.

    No one is a bigger critic to me than myself and I put that girl through hell.
    I did say to her that I have to live with that forever, itís a prison sentence for me. She said ďyouíll find someoneĒ
    She wasnít getting my point. Iím not worried about not finding someone. I know that she was the one for me. We were the ones for each other but I spoiled and toyed with a good heart and it will plague me forever. But yes, I will find someone and I will be happy.

    I showed some weakness and thatís not what I wanted to do tonight. I would then act cocky and she said ďwhy would I even want to be with someone who acts like thatĒ
    I said in response that I acted like that because Iíve showed weakness just before and want to appear strong again. At the time that just came out but when I thought about it, itís the actual truth. Something else I learned about myself today.

    This felt like a final goodbye for me. And tonight I watched a film which got my full attention for the first time since I left my family home 8 months ago.

    I feel proud of myself. Iíve done all I can.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Trashing her bf won't work. Stay out of her personal life. Focus on staying clean, employed and paying child support and being a good father.
    Originally Posted by lonewolf1991
    I told her I smell a rat in him and as bitter as that makes me look, its true. I know what a rat smells like because I was one.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Trashing her bf won't work. Stay out of her personal life. Focus on staying clean, employed and paying child support and being a good father.
    Agree.

    Iím going to be completely frank. When I read your last entry my main thought was that you love having power over her more than you love her. Thatís the thing you seem to miss, are wanting her to validate. Your interest in yourself seems roughly ten times your interest in her and her humanity.

    Sheís fragile, but I think she recognizes that. Once upon a time she may have found your interest in yourself compelling, but sheís no longer so swayed by it. Sheís more interested in the novel of her own life than being a character in your epic story of sin and salvation, angels and demons, darkness and light. For all the fragility you describe in her, that is a mark of growth and strength.

    Hope that doesnít sound too harsh. Iíve pounded my own chest plenty, and worn the robes of the Saddest, Baddest Man on the Planetóthe robes youíre now wearing. There is a shelf life to it being cute, a limited pool in the types who will find it cute, and Iíd look at this moment as a lesson in that.

    Just be a good man in the world. Every reward your seeking will come from that path, it really will. Youíll thank yourself later, as will your child.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Telling her that her boyfriend's a loser just makes you look and sound jealous and bitter. I'd stop that.

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