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Thread: Asalways' Dating Journal

  1. #1
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    Asalways' Dating Journal

    It's difficult to find actual dating details instead of hypothetical discussions, and this is a great forum for actual details. So I'm doing a journal.
    I crossed the path in my life where I would bend over backwards, changing myself to no end to make a woman happy, and these 2 dates were the first example of that.
    8/3 - Met a girl introduced by a family friend, at a Starbucks. Did 10 minutes of general chit chat and then starting talked about hobbies, vacations, sports, but I all I kept getting were 3 word answers. In the past, I'd keep going and going, but about 20 minutes into the whole thing, I told her the standup show is over, if I'm going to perform here for your amusement, I should at least get a free coffee. That was the only time she smiled, but I was serious, and she didn't say anything, so I left. Nothing new to learn there, except if it fails, it fails, keep moving, no point in wasting time.
    8/4 - Met another girl at Starbucks, this time, she was referred by a closer family friend, but similar kind of outcome, except she actually spoke more than a few-word answers. Essentially, she picked off every little thing, like telling me how can I watch Sopranos when it's so offensive. Sopranos for those who don't know is a groundbreaking never-to-be-outdone mob show by HBO which finished airing in 2007. I asked her if she knew the difference between entertainment and real life, she kept quiet. So that was that, I said thanks for your time and I left.
    In the past, I would have bent and wiggled into whatever concoction of a person the woman wanted to see in front of her, not this time. I made those mistakes a long time ago. I'm not looking for 1000 women, I just need one, and she'll come along :)

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    Good to see you've got the journal up and running!

    I think you're right to cut the meet short if the conversation's obviously not going anywhere - I would just say 'nice meeting you' though rather than anything along these lines "the standup show is over, if I'm going to perform here for your amusement, I should at least get a free coffee" - it comes across as a bit angry and bitter, which I think is the opposite of what you're trying to achieve?

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    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I agree with Ian.

    While I don't think either of these women were meant to be your wife, I do get the sense that, when you felt the lack of sizzle, you kind of used these dates to try on the "new you" in a way that was maybe, just maybe, a bit of an overzealous course correction.

    Let's remember the actual truth about the Sopranos: it was a TV show that aired on HBO. That's it. Someone can deem it groundbreaking, another can deem it offense. Both of those people are 100 percent correct. Of course, if one of your dealbreakers is someone who finds the Sopranos offensive—all good. But no need to be aggressive about it.

    Me? I agree with your assessment of the Sopranos. But also? I love an engaging conversation about art and culture, so I'd be pretty into hearing why someone didn't like the show and what issues they had with it. Wouldn't change my gut feeling about it, but who knows? Maybe it would make me see the Sopranos a bit differently, and I am a weak-in-the-knees sucker for anyone who can help me see something familiar to me from a different angle.

    But all good. Most of my first dates have been 40 min to an hour—a coffee, a walk, an afternoon cocktail. A fine little chat that leads to nothing more. The key is to remember that, in early dating, "leading to nothing more" and "fine" can coexist harmoniously.

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    Originally Posted by Ian4996
    Good to see you've got the journal up and running!

    I think you're right to cut the meet short if the conversation's obviously not going anywhere - I would just say 'nice meeting you' though rather than anything along these lines "the standup show is over, if I'm going to perform here for your amusement, I should at least get a free coffee" - it comes across as a bit angry and bitter, which I think is the opposite of what you're trying to achieve?
    Thanks! True, agreed, my thinking was I'll never see this person again so there is nothing to lose. But whether I like it or not, this kind of reaction does raise my blood pressure, and it serves me no good. thanks for the feedback!

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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I agree with Ian.

    While I don't think either of these women were meant to be your wife, I do get the sense that, when you felt the lack of sizzle, you kind of used these dates to try on the "new you" in a way that was maybe, just maybe, a bit of an overzealous course correction.

    Let's remember the actual truth about the Sopranos: it was a TV show that aired on HBO. That's it. Someone can deem it groundbreaking, another can deem it offense. Both of those people are 100 percent correct. Of course, if one of your dealbreakers is someone who finds the Sopranos offensive—all good. But no need to be aggressive about it.

    Me? I agree with your assessment of the Sopranos. But also? I love an engaging conversation about art and culture, so I'd be pretty into hearing why someone didn't like the show and what issues they had with it. Wouldn't change my gut feeling about it, but who knows? Maybe it would make me see the Sopranos a bit differently, and I am a weak-in-the-knees sucker for anyone who can help me see something familiar to me from a different angle.

    But all good. Most of my first dates have been 40 min to an hour—a coffee, a walk, an afternoon cocktail. A fine little chat that leads to nothing more. The key is to remember that, in early dating, "leading to nothing more" and "fine" can coexist harmoniously.
    Excellent point about the Sopranos, and the comment makes sense about a lot of such issues, call them controversial issues. Kind of like a Democrats/Republicans thing, or any opposing entities dynamic. Reason why I like to bring out the Sopranos is it gives me a gauge about how sensitive a woman is, because it leads to not taking jokes and making me feel like I have to filter my speech and thinking. Maybe the two aren't related, I have to think about that, it's a valid point.

    Agreed, I could have treated this differently, as in, sure I'd never see these people again, but why not try out my new process further on these dates, to perhaps learn more and try out more. Greats points! Maybe they want to do the same thing, we're already there, might as well take the full hour.

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    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Eh, you always have to be careful about swinging the pendulum too far in the other direction, but that doesn't mean suffer through a whole hour.

    Your monosyllabic date is exactly the kind where you gulp down your coffee and do the "oh gee look at the time, gotta run, but it was nice meeting you" routine. When it's not there it's not there and carrying a conversation when the other person can't bother with more than a grunt is painful. As a practical matter, having some tactful exit lines handy works well.

    On the whole, dating requires a thick skin, a good sense of humor and an even better sense of the absurd.

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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    Eh, you always have to be careful about swinging the pendulum too far in the other direction, but that doesn't mean suffer through a whole hour.

    Your monosyllabic date is exactly the kind where you gulp down your coffee and do the "oh gee look at the time, gotta run, but it was nice meeting you" routine. When it's not there it's not there and carrying a conversation when the other person can't bother with more than a grunt is painful. As a practical matter, having some tactful exit lines handy works well.

    On the whole, dating requires a thick skin, a good sense of humor and an even better sense of the absurd.
    Agreed, I have to admit I wasn't ready with any good tactful exit strategies. Yours is a good one. Thick skin is right!

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    Went on another date with someone new, and when the check came, she started staring at me. So I stared at her back. She rolled her eyes and I told her it's 2019, not 1989. We split the check and needless to say, that was the end of it. This was the first time in my life where I didn't pay the full way, and it was empowering! Had she said she was short of money, etc., I would have paid, but this blatant expectation business is so over with for me. Wanted to share this here, because if this helps another man regain his confidence or his inner strength, then I'm all for it!

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    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    By the sounds of it you've over corrected a bit and swung too far to the other side.

    If after chasing everyone from the room, you might reconsider and find a sweet spot somewhere in the middle.

    In the meantime you seem to be enjoy being abrasive towards women.
    What's up with that?

    because if this helps another man regain his confidence or his inner strength, then I'm all for it! You gain your confidence back at the expense of others. What I am reading is your are setting them up just to knock them down and it somehow makes you feel better?

  11. #10
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    By the sounds of it you've over corrected a bit and swung too far to the other side.

    If after chasing everyone from the room, you might reconsider and find a sweet spot somewhere in the middle.

    In the meantime you seem to be enjoy being abrasive towards women.
    What's up with that?
    Well put.

    I get the feeling that, right now, you're using new dates to replay past dates, with a different outcome that affirms the New You. Problem with that? These are new people, meeting you for the first time, and odds are they don't want to be a do-over or an audience for you as you try on new, more abrasive caps to see which one fits the best.

    Take a deep breath for a moment, look in the mirror. Is the guy staring back at you a dude who says "It's 2019, not 1989!" to women he's just met? Or is it a dude who likes buying a woman a glass of wine, a coffee, a slice of pizza, whatever? From your earlier posts, I can't help but think the True You is more the latter, not the former.

    I think you might want to explore some kind of inner-assumption about women that they are out to get you, or let you down. Approach them from that lens and you'll try to find "empowerment" and "confidence" by beating them to the punch, and in the process miss out on that thing you're really seeking: connection.


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