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Thread: Finding me...

  1. #61
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    So, no doubt I'm human. If any of you are familiar with my thread where I reconnected with a man last October (we met online about 5 or 6 years prior to, but nothing came of it due to distance, etc.), this post is related.

    He was diagnosed with Mono back in March and had finally recovered this month, so we decided to meet last weekend for the first time. We sat down at the bar, and within minutes, I noticed he seemed short tempered. He'd say things like "Let me finish..." in a harsh tone as he was speaking and had a bit of an attitude. I couldn't believe it! This guy who emphasized the importance of meeting a "nice person" was making me feel like crap. But then all of a sudden, he would feed me compliments and tell me how great I was. I've never met anyone who blew so much hot & cold. One minute, "you're such a nice, happy person", the next minute, he'd be practically rolling his eyes, dismissing my comments, or shooting me a stoic look when I'd smile and crack a joke. Unbelievable.

    So I asked him, after he paid the bill (he ordered food, I only ordered a water), if he wanted to leave. He responds with a surprised look on his face, "Should we?". We continue to stay and chat for another two hours. He continues to blow hot and cold. I'm completely taken aback. He then suggests that we leave because he's tired.

    We step outside and he offers to walk me home. I thanked him, but told him that I was only five minutes away and would be fine walking on my own. His demeanor changes once again as we're saying goodbye, and we're standing face-to-face (as opposed to us having sat side-by-side at the bar beforehand).

    My mind was reeling because I've never met anyone who blew so much hot & cold! Honestly, it was unreal.

    At this point, as we're facing each other, he was clearly nervous, fumbling over his words and asks me, "Milly, why did we lose touch 6 years ago? What happened...?". So it was a somewhat seemingly emotional moment (he had the most uncomfortable look on his face when he asked me this).

    So we exchanged a couple of laughs and words (in fact, this conversation was the best convo we had all night! I don't know if it was because we were face-to-face, or a result of us thinking that this might be the last we see of each other...no clue).

    All of a sudden, he steps off to the side, has a very serious (almost pissed look on his face) and says, "Well, you have my number if you need anything on your way home" (implying that if I needed his help on my way home, if anything were to happen, that I could contact him). He went cold again!

    I said, "Okay, I'll text you S.O.S.", smiled, and he just stared at me with a blank stare. At this point, I said, "See ya", waived goodbye, and that was it.

    So, tonight, being the silly human being that I am, I texted him to ask why he seemed so short and irritable the other night (even though I'm not expecting this to go anywhere with him. I couldn't be with someone like this).

    I know, shame on me! But I couldn't help it.

    I haven't received a response yet, but I only sent it half an hour ago. Maybe he'll respond, maybe he won't.

    No more endless texting for me. Lesson learned.

    I donít even know why I needed to text, to be exact. But I think Iím frustrated with myself for not calling him out over his behaviour when I had the chance in person on the weekend.

    When I first heard his harsh tone, I immediately thought, ďam I hearing this correctly?Ē, as if I was in denial. I was kind of floating in and out of this thought process where in one way I thought he was being a jerk, and then I would think, ďno, Iím just being o early sensitiveĒ. But I donít believe I was being overly sensitive at all! I do believe he was out of line.

    I just wish I said something in person.
    Last edited by milly007; 07-16-2019 at 11:32 PM.

  2. #62
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    He responded this morning and said, ďI wasnít at all short/curt. Donít know why you got that impressionĒ.

    Because you were short, curt and angry! (I didnít say this to him in response).

    Really, why would I have expected any different of a reply.

    Obviously heís going to deny it.

    I made the mistake of not pointing it out when it happened while we were together.

    Of all the personalities I want to avoid and I dread coming across, itís this type of snippy, curt, Iím an a**hole, but Iím going to act as if Iíve done nothing wrong type of personality. Scary

  3. #63
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Yikes. He sounds like bad news.

  4. #64
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    Originally Posted by Jibralta
    Yikes. He sounds like bad news.
    I know, right?

    I responded to him by saying, "Well, that's how it came across, at least to me".

    I am honestly so mad at myself for not calling him out when we met on Saturday night. But really, I was so shocked at his snippiness. I was in denial. I'll admit, it kinda scared me a bit, too - how someone can seem so nice one second, and then the next, make you feel like crap. Can someone in this type of situation honestly not realize how rude they are? Does he honestly believe that he wasn't curt, short or seemingly angry? I honestly don't understand this. Any woman in my shoes would have been wondering if a screw was loose. I'm thinking that this guy will have to find someone who's submissive and tolerant of his BS in order to make a relationship work (but I hope there's no one out there who will tolerate this!).

    Years ago I knew a guy like this (no one that I dated, or was interested in, but someone I knew very well). He broke my spirit. He was known by everyone he knew as being a sweetheart, but the people who knew him well were aware that he had extreme mood swings (which could be scary at times). He would just turn on me at the flip of a switch and took advantage of my generosity. He would call me names and talk to me like I was dirt, but he wouldn't do this when anyone was around (I guess he didn't want witnesses). Back then I was in denial of how he was treating me, but I eventually came to my senses and completely lost it on him one day. I told him that he hurt me, that he treated me like crap, and that I didn't like him. I'm still getting over how this guy treated me, mainly because it was someone I trusted and cared about. I had never had anyone treat me so horribly. People often said that "he wouldn't hurt a fly", and when he heard this, he'd laugh about it because in his mind, he had them fooled. This guy admitted to me that he didn't treat me right and that I did absolutely nothing to him to be treated in this way. He just took advantage because in his mind, he could (and get away with it!).

    So this guy on Saturday freaked me out because I was having flashbacks to what I've dealt with in the past.

    I've never experienced this with a man I've dated before. I could feel my spirit being crushed on Saturday. It was probably one of the worst first meets (if not the worst) I've ever had. I think it's what some people would refer to as a mindf***, to be honest.

    His harsh tone, being combative, short tempered, telling me "let me finish" (in a douch**** type of way), making faces, rolling his eyes, almost balking at my comments/stories/jokes, huffing at times when I said something (as if he wanted me to react and get upset at him!), not smiling if I cracked a joke or was trying to engage him (he would just look at me as if he was looking down at me and being judge-y, if that makes sense). Not a nice person, folks.

    I wish I could go back in time and call him out, but it is what it is.

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  6. #65
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    Ugh, why do I care so much...

  7. #66
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    Originally Posted by milly007
    Ugh, why do I care so much...
    Oh.... because you're human. I ask myself this kind of thing about a variety of situations. My friend is married to a guy she says is like this - he gets all these personable/personality related awards at their local place of worship - you know, great guy, does so much -and he is a jerk to his family. My husband is a really good guy but I ask him and remind him regularly to please not be "nice" if he is feeling otherwise -meaning, express your feelings directly and as pleasantly as possible so that you don't build up annoyance/resentment etc and then feel like you want to explode. He can be 'too nice" and reserved etc and sure if he can handle it and not build up crap inside, more power to him. Partly he was raised this way -to be very polite, quiet, reserved, etc not let it all hang out. My family was the opposite and we let it hang out too much!! Hard to find a balance.

    But mood swings are another thing - like we all know that people lose it a bit at times and you can see it happening - and we cut slack because it's on a continuum. But you don't need people in your life who are over the top "nice" and then swing to an extreme. It is scary.

  8. #67
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    Oh.... because you're human. I ask myself this kind of thing about a variety of situations. My friend is married to a guy she says is like this - he gets all these personable/personality related awards at their local place of worship - you know, great guy, does so much -and he is a jerk to his family. My husband is a really good guy but I ask him and remind him regularly to please not be "nice" if he is feeling otherwise -meaning, express your feelings directly and as pleasantly as possible so that you don't build up annoyance/resentment etc and then feel like you want to explode. He can be 'too nice" and reserved etc and sure if he can handle it and not build up crap inside, more power to him. Partly he was raised this way -to be very polite, quiet, reserved, etc not let it all hang out. My family was the opposite and we let it hang out too much!! Hard to find a balance.

    But mood swings are another thing - like we all know that people lose it a bit at times and you can see it happening - and we cut slack because it's on a continuum. But you don't need people in your life who are over the top "nice" and then swing to an extreme. It is scary.
    Thanks for chiming in, B. Much appreciated - as per usual.

    I don't know - I'm definitely questioning myself and whether I was being overly sensitive towards this guy on Saturday. I was talking to my mom about what happened and for as long as I can remember, she would ask me if I'm being overly sensitive about certain things that have happened in my life. Therefore, I now question ALL OF THE TIME whether I'm being reasonable in terms of my reaction, or overly sensitive. At first she says, "Oh, you don't need someone like that in your life", and then as we discussed it and I questioned myself, she said, "Well, maybe you were being overly sensitive. Everyone has their foibles". Ah, I'm frustrated.

    In terms of my night on Saturday with this guy, the good times were great. But those moments where he seemed snippy basically took away from the positive experience, at least for me. I went into the meet being very interested and was sad to see him go. I believe he felt the same way based on our conversations.

    I don't think there's much I can do at this point with him anyway. I don't think texting him and reaching out is an option. Even if I did decide to text him, I don't even know what I'd say...

    Reaching out would be a bad idea, right?

    I just can't believe I won't be talking to him again.

    I detest when a man has this much control over my thoughts. However, I realize that in time, provided we never speak again, that this will fade...

    I'm feeling weak and having a difficult time thinking rationally in terms of what I should do. I'm too much in my own head right now.

  9. #68
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    Oh I do think time will help and I know that's cold comfort sometimes. You need space and distance to be able to look at this and evaluate it with a little less adrenaline, a tad less emotional involvement. I know time and space helped me in evaluating two friendships that ended in the past few years, for example. Do you like to exercise/work out? I find that helps me a great deal.

  10. #69
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    My friend is married to a guy she says is like this - he gets all these personable/personality related awards at their local place of worship - you know, great guy, does so much -and he is a jerk to his family.
    Originally Posted by milly007
    He was known by everyone he knew as being a sweetheart, but the people who knew him well were aware that he had extreme mood swings (which could be scary at times). He would just turn on me at the flip of a switch and took advantage of my generosity. He would call me names and talk to me like I was dirt, but he wouldn't do this when anyone was around (I guess he didn't want witnesses).
    Interesting!! I have a friend who is in an abusive marriage. Her husband treats her like absolute garbage. It's unbelievable. Yet he is the most popular, well-liked guy in the world. Everyone knows him. Everyone likes him. I can't understand it.

    Originally Posted by milly007
    Reaching out would be a bad idea, right?
    Yes. Go with your gut. You don't need this trouble.

  11. #70
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    Oh I do think time will help and I know that's cold comfort sometimes. You need space and distance to be able to look at this and evaluate it with a little less adrenaline, a tad less emotional involvement. I know time and space helped me in evaluating two friendships that ended in the past few years, for example. Do you like to exercise/work out? I find that helps me a great deal.
    Thanks, Bat! You're right. It's all still fresh and raw right now, but in time, I know I'll feel better. I'm just hoping I hold off on reaching out (his number is engrained in my brain, despite deleting him as a contact).

    Funny you mention that, but I've been working out more since last Sunday (the day after I met him). It definitely helps with blowing off steam.

    Who knows, maybe with my new workout routine I'll end up in better shape (all thanks to him!).

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