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Thread: Finding me...

  1. #21
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    It just blows my mind sometimes how differently we all think about certain things. In my mind, if I schedule a meet/date with a guy for tonight, for example, and let him know that I'll come to his end of the city after work for drinks, I will always follow through. If I don't contact the guy or follow through, I'm not expecting the guy to continue investing any more time in me. It's clear to me that I've blown my chance and that he'll write me off.

    A person's time is precious, and most of us are limited for time as it is. I'm not about to waste anyone's time or mine.

    Guys scheduling a meet and not following through doesn't happen very often, so this experience was a bit different.

    When dealing with a situation, I try and treat people the way I would like to be treated. Due to this guy seeming confused, I felt like I had to connect the dots for him and explain why I backed out. Plus, I'm a big believer that communication can help prevent a lot of misunderstandings and solve problems, so I'm hoping that maybe he'll keep what I had to say in mind moving forward in terms of the next person that he meets (however, I'm not holding my breath).

    What's concerning to me is that so many people treat each other the way he did with me (i.e. - by not following through), that it's almost or is becoming the norm, which is why I think he may have been confused by my response and maybe expected me to give him another chance. He didn't seem to comprehend that him not following through on this meet/date means that we're different people and I would expect something different from a guy who I would consider a match; hence our incompatibility.

    His response was definitely a knee jerk reaction and passive aggressive. I wouldn't really expect any different of a reply these days. Every now and then I'll come across a guy who will say something along the lines of, "Hey, I think there was a misunderstanding here and I'd like to clear the air. Can I call you tomorrow to discuss?".

  2. #22
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    "It just blows my mind sometimes how differently we all think about certain things. In my mind, if I schedule a meet/date with a guy for tonight, for example, and let him know that I'll come to his end of the city after work for drinks, I will always follow through. If I don't contact the guy or follow through, I'm not expecting the guy to continue investing any more time in me. It's clear to me that I've blown my chance and that he'll write me off.

    A person's time is precious, and most of us are limited for time as it is. I'm not about to waste anyone's time or mine. "

    Me too. 100%. I agree with communication when it's with a friend or someone you plan to keep in touch with. If it's a near stranger then I don't bother - because it likely will come across as patronizing/a lecture and won't have the sort of impact I hoped for. I also don't tell people what they already know or should know, unsolicited. I once had a guy who I met twice -two first meets separated by a year - we had a great time and he was newly divorced. He expressed interest in seeing me again. He called me while I was on another call and said "call me if you want to talk about why I didn't call you again" or something like that. Since nothing unusual happened on the date I didn't call him. I met him twice, he probably wasn't ready to date, that's fine and what would I learn from hearing his views on meeting me twice? Might have been interesting but not a good use of my time. That's kind of the way I see it.

    I can relate to your frustration. Sigh.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Never give no shows another chance. It's not like an old friend who had an emergency and couldn't call. It's just plain rude and selfish. Agree in the western world people's time and energy is money and worth something. It's not a free banana boat down the Amazon on island time.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by milly007
    So, dating hasn't really been much of a priority these days due to other things happening in my life at the moment. I have met a fair amount of guys since my last dating related post on here, but just haven't thought about or felt the need to document it, I guess.

    Well, about two weeks ago I began chatting with one guy online. After exchanging a few emails, we exchange numbers and he texts me.

    His messages or the way he expresses himself comes across to me as though he's quite serious. He doesn't joke, use emojis, or respond to any of my jokes in a lighthearted way like most other guys do, so I wasn't really feeling confident in the way we were communicating. I was questioning whether he had a sense of humour, as I've never texted with someone like this before. I did, eventually, learn that he was somewhat shy - a slow to warm-up type, which I completely get.

    After exchanging a few texts, he asked me last week (Monday) if I wanted to meet face-to-face. We decided that we were going to meet after he was done work on Thursday and that he would come to my end of the city for drinks. He told me to have a great day, and I reciprocated.

    Thursday rolls around and nothing. No message, no call...dead silence. I wasn't quite feeling any sort of connection, so I wasn't really all that disappointed. All of a sudden he messages me today, "Hi Milly, it's Ben. We haven't met yet? How was your weekend?". At this point, I'm thinking, "huh?", and after thinking about how I felt and what I wanted to say I said something along the lines of (I have since deleted the text messages), "Well we were supposed to meet last Thursday as discussed which didn't happen and I'm not sure why, so I just let it go". He responds, "Can I call you tonight?". I'm thinking, "I'm not really feeling this, but should I give it and him a chance?". I didn't want to respond too quickly without having more time to think about it.

    I ended up falling asleep and when I wake-up, he's texted again saying, "Is that cool? I'd like to speak with you briefly". I was about to head out and therefore couldn't speak on the phone, but I didn't really want to either. I said, "I can't speak tonight as I'm heading out to meet a friend for dinner". And then I said, "I'm not quite sure how to say this, but I don't think we're a match. You seem like a nice guy though and I hope you find what you're looking for. :) ". I honestly didn't know if I was dealing with a flake after what happened, and didn't want to waste my time . He writes back immediately and says, "How can you even know whether or not we're compatible if we haven't met. Clearly it's another issue. Wow, good luck". After some thought, because I felt bad and wanted to make sure he understood, I said, "But Ben, we were supposed to meet last Thursday, and that didn't happen, so I was surprised to hear from you today. I don't want to waste my time or anyone else's. Am I missing something here? Because I'm finding this situation a bit confusing".

    I didn't hear anything in response, and I doubt I will. I just don't want to waste my time with guys who don't follow through, when there are men out there who do. I know I need someone more assertive and I need that witty banter which I wasn't getting AT ALL from him. It was like he didn't have any sort of sense of humour. However, it's not to say I didn't think he had a real sweet side, though - because it seemed like he did. Maybe I did make the wrong decision. I don't know. Maybe I should have given him a chance and spoke with him, at the very least, on the phone. I just really didn't like how we agreed we would meet up last Thursday (his idea) in my area of the city and he didn't bother to follow through. It made me lose interest.

    Any thoughts?

    I guess I was also surprised at this reaction to me saying that I didn't think we were a match. I mean, could he really be that surprised? I swear, sometimes when it comes to dating I wonder if I'm in the twilight zone and if my standards are too high. Ok, so I expected a follow through after we actually said we would meet after work on Thursday, is that so bad? If someone can't make it, that's fine, but just send a message and let me know either way.

    I mean, I had to say something because he texted twice. I couldnít just say, Ďcanít talkí and leave it it open for further discussion.

    Kinda wishing I spoke with him now though (just a little bit). May have turned out differently.
    No, you definitely made the right decision. Look at the size of your post. Your whole life with him would be like that. Not worth the head space.

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Never give no shows another chance. It's not like an old friend who had an emergency and couldn't call. It's just plain rude and selfish. Agree in the western world people's time and energy is money and worth something. It's not a free banana boat down the Amazon on island time.
    Wiseman, sometimes your posts make me laugh. This time it was the banana boat reference that got me. Lol

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by Jibralta
    No, you definitely made the right decision. Look at the size of your post. Your whole life with him would be like that. Not worth the head space.
    Youíre right. I felt like the communication was like pulling teeth, which was a turn-off, so due to these doubts and others, I wasnít really disappointed when things didnít work out.

    And yes, my post is large. I was surprised at the size once it posted. I type quickly, so it didnít feel long as I was typing.

    I should note that this guy seemed frustrated with OLD, yet he was the author of his own misfortune in our case (I.e. the lack of follow through). Itís kinda scary that there are people frustrated with the process, yet they are their own worst enemies. Some people blame the process, but it isnít the process, itís them. And for some reason, they donít realize that itís their actions or lack thereof thatís holding them back.

    Anyway, Iím just rambling now. But this is one of the reasons I had to clarify to him my reasons for walking. It seemed like he was completely clueless.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by milly007
    And yes, my post is large. I was surprised at the size once it posted. I type quickly, so it didnít feel long as I was typing.
    I just pointed that out to show the kind of time and effort you would have to put into a relationship with him. Typing may have been fast, but this has obviously been occupying space in your head for a while.

    Originally Posted by milly007
    Itís kinda scary that there are people frustrated with the process, yet they are their own worst enemies. Some people blame the process, but it isnít the process, itís them. And for some reason, they donít realize that itís their actions or lack thereof thatís holding them back.
    Oh, there are people like that all over the place, not just OLD. Just read some of the posts on this site. I bet you have friends, family, and coworkers who fit that bill. Everyone does. I think maybe all of us self-sabotage to some extent. If you pursued this guy, or someone like him, it would be a similar act of self-sabotage.

  9. #28
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    Ok, so in terms of working on improving my diet, Iím having a SUPER hard time cutting out fruit juice and chocolate milk. I love apple, o.j., pineapple juice, etc. Iím definitely not a sweets person, but have a weakness for juice. If I go a day without it, I feel like Iím going to be sick/pass out.

    Iím slowly cutting it out. Iíll either water down a small glass of juice each day and drink it or just fill up on water, but I still crave it! Chocolate milk not as much, but every now and then I do.

    Has anyone else ever felt this way?

    Iím thinking that when Iím feeling sick or like Iím going to pass out (when I havenít consumed juice all day), itís my body experiencing withdrawal from the lack of sugar from the fruit juice, but Iím not sure if thatís the case or even possible.

    I honestly consume a lot of juice each day, especially in this humidity! Iím beginning to think that this may be the cause of my small weight gain...the gosh darn juice!

    I feel like I should change the title of my journal to ďAttack of the Fruit JuiceĒ or ďhow do you like them apples?Ē...ok, I digress...Iím going off topic.

  10. #29
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    Yes, juice will pack on calories and pounds -empty calories, unfortunately. I don't crave liquids other than when I was a diet soda fiend and i love my morning coffee. I would continue to do the watering down and maybe eat a whole fruit if you are craving juice.

    I don't think not having juice will cause you to feel like passing out - but dehydration could give you that feeling. So I'd keep doing the water or maybe sparkling water. Sorry you're feeling that way!

  11. #30
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    Agree you definitely did the right thing; I would have done same.

    I don't typically like to bash guys on this forum, but yeah some guys are truly clueless and need things spelled out to them in big bold letters before they "get it."

    For me, once I tell a guy, politely like you did, we're not a match, I would block (when I had the block function). That was to avoid exactly what this guy did, continue to bombard you with text asking why or trying to talk you out of it.

    In your case, the guy flaked on you, totally stood you up, so if this had been me, when he texted again asking why or whatever he said acting clueless and challenging you (which would have annoyed me), I would have no problem txting back with "What are you dense? You totally flaked on me last Thursday, goodbye!"

    And then blocking; if you don't have block function on your phone (I don't anymore) have his texts sent automatically to your trash! What a bozo.

    Hang in mily, it will get better, I promise!

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