england - america - feel i put more effort into communication

Hi All,

first time posting on here and I'd really appreciate other people's view point. my mind is overdrive and I feel like I'm getting anxiety and not sleeping well.

So I met a girl in September we had 2 great months together practically spent everyday together. after a month I told her I had to go back to England for 6 months which she was sad about and then annoyed and confused. I had to come back to England to sort out my father's estate as he passed a year ago and probate was going through.

she told me she wants to give a long distance relationship a go and is open to it. my girlfriend is happy, always has positive energy and is a joy to be around. I'm 30 and she is 27 almost 28.

so she was never great at commination over phone/text while I was there. but we saw each other almost every day and spent the nights together.

she has a son and this is the busy season in her job so her time is limited but she still has a time to drop a message as you make time for people you care about and are in love with.

so she told me I overwhelmed her sometimes with messages which I guess I have a little and accept and apologized for on the other hand I told her a week prior that when I send u a message on whatsapp it has the two blue arrows so you read it and then you on instagram adding live vids and liking other photos, to me it a slap in the face to like saying hey I saw your message but just can't be bothered to get back to you.

I know this is not the end of the world but it does bother me, I feel like I have bi polar I'm very up and down emotionally.

also when I'm out i'll say hey im with this or that friend sometime send her pics to keep her updated on what im up too.

her ex who she has her son with im sure would want to get back with her cant blame him really. and she has guy friends too, if I ask hey how are your friends doing she gets funny saying why are u asking about people u haven't met. I told her cos I know their important to you.

sorry im gong on and on. if anyone doesn't mind knowing more I'll continue in another message but for now. I want to ask this.

do you think if you love and care for someone it doesn't hurt to say good morning or goodnight and most important don't ignore messages for hours at a time when u clearly read it already??

also yesterday she went into the city with a friend, not sure male or female. ignored my message for 5 hours so gave her a call she did not answer then got a message with 2 lines then nothing until the next day.

its hard to know, or have an opinion on people you don't know. but please give me some advise/ guidance or your opinion.

thank you

try to finish you errands faster and get back to her as soon as possible. some girls are better when you meet them, when you're away it seems like she doesnt care one bit. but actually she does, it's just that some girls like to communicate and show love in person rather over texts/ calls. maybe try Skype-ing her more often. i think it would help

If a relationship regularly leaves you frustrated and upset, it means its not the right one for you. You two don't mesh. Yes, I would think that a guy who really cared about me would want to hear my voice at least once a day while we were apart. It sounds like you're a lot more into her, and that either she's not into you or is a lot more independent when it comes to relationships.

You say that you spent every day together for 2 months. That's over-the-top. I wouldn't recommend that in the future. I know people are gung-ho with hormones running wild in the beginning, but being together that much can become smothering, and you should always keep up with your own friends and hobbies while in a relationship. It's not healthy to make your partner the sole center of a small universe.

You say you feel you might be bi polar. I suggest you get a diagnose and get treatment if need be. You need to be the best partner you can be for any future relationship. Good luck.

cutebunny thank you for the reply but whenever she messages I message straight back and always pick her calls up. i feel like we only communicate when she wants to and convenient for her.

thank you Andrina, a lot of what you said is right.

we didn't spend every day together but most days and your right i guess i did put her more in front of friend which is not right or healthy and doesn't say much for me. I'm head over heels for her.

i feel like the writing is on the wall.

if you don't mind i'll tell u the last few days of events.

Thursday night we talk she is very off like something is bothering her she tells me she doesn't want to talk. i say ok no problem that's fine, love you and good night.

Friday morning i text her saying u didn't seem yourself yesterday why don't u go out with friends and have a nice time.

Friday daytime we message and during convo i ask if she made plans to go out. she doesn't ignores that message and reply's to others

Friday night I'm out with on work chirstmas party its 2am and i leave the club and call / text her.its 9pm for her and she like why u messaging em u should be enjoying your time with friends i said i am. i really annoyed and didn't want to argue so i just said ok no problems talk tomorrow.

Saturday - waited for to message me as i was annoyed she did at 3pm her time. we talk as soon a she leaves work and gets home at 1am. she didn't want to text cos we almost started to argue on text so she called. she said i overwhelm her and don't need to message so frequently and she read up on relationship and time apart is important. true i know and i told her a week prior i read up on long term relationship and about how she needs to be more responsive to my message which she would. anyways i agreed i need to take a step back a little so ended all good.

Sunday - she goes into the city to drop off my gifts to a friend who will bring them back in a few days as flying home also. she goes into the city with a friend not sure make or female. she looks at my ig live and she most stuff too she doesn't reply to my message for 5 hours so i call while she is out 'not the best thing to do' she doesn't reply then i get 2 quick hey sorry and one other little message. now she is on her way home as i can see on ig live video. she doenst reply to me all night i couldn't sleep. and she usually goes to sleep very late. so to me she was with this other person and ignored my message. and i don't know if anything more happened? probably reading into it too much. or she just went home and decided to ignore my message. eith way not happy.

Monday TODAY she message me hey good morning i say the same back she likes hows your day, im not properly engage until she decides to call me and ask if im okay and whats up.

she didn't meet my friend she left it with the door man makes me think is it cos she doesn't want to be seen with another guy??

i know she has guy friends and i don't mind her going out with them but i would like to know when she does though.

am i crazy?????

Sorry you are having this confusion. What were the terms while you were in the States and upon your departure to the UK? Some people need the daily text tethering to feel connected, some don't. On the other side is people who find routine good day/good night messages boring and a way of keeping tabs. Lay back and focus on quality communication rather than quantity and response time.

I'm getting anxiety and not sleeping well.........

 

she told me I overwhelmed her sometimes with messages which I guess I have a little and accept and apologized for on the other hand I told her a week prior that when I send u a message on whatsapp it has the two blue arrows so you read it and then you on instagram adding live vids and liking other photos, to me it a slap in the face to like saying hey I saw your message but just can't be bothered to get back to you.......

 

I feel like I have bi polar I'm very up and down emotionally.

before i left we actually had 5 days without seeing each other as we said we would give it ago the next day we had an little argument and I told her this wont work the long distance relationship. we made up a few days later and decided to give it a try.

I've done a long distance relationship before with my ex wife and it was difficult then and that's why I was reluctant to do it again.

but yes quality is more important than quantity but no excuse for ignore messages and not answering back. the gm and gn thing is the most important thing and i did say we need to keep things fresh like video chat, letters in the mail etc as i read online about ltr.

thank for your advise wiseman2

I'd say to let her take the lead in communicating until you get back and then see how things go in person again. Only reply to her when she's reached out first. It's fine to be crazy about someone, but if you don't have an independent life BESIDES her, she will feel smothered. But even though you want things to work, don't be so accepting of the situation if your needs aren't being met or she acts inappropriately. If she doesn't want you meeting all of her guy friends, then that would be a red flag, unless it's because you're showing jealousy. Make sure you're really accepting of this, and if not, a women who doesn't have a lot of guy friends might be a better fit for you.

thanks again Andrina, i don't mind her having guy friends and i told her to go out other times and her enjoy herself with her friends. i do trust her and its important too otherwise it wont work. but when she doesn't message me an entire evening/ night until the next day, its like bells go off in my head.

i spoke to my brother and he said the same just let her contact you and play it cool. which i will from now on.

my needs are not being met and we do talk i just don't think she realises that I'm sinking, its killing me that we are apart and i don't want to loose her, but I'm getting very angry, frustrated by the lack of communication on her part and ignoring message. when she calls me next I'm going to dicuss it without arguing, just tell her my feelings.

thank you,

I'll be very blunt with you OP. I'm gasping for breath just reading your post, your behavior is totally suffocating and it's bad, really bad. Your need to constantly keep tabs is over the top for her and she is being very very honest with you about the fact that you are smothering her. If you continue to act like that, you ARE going to lose her.

Also, you need to stop telling her what to do. She is a grown woman for crying out loud. Not your place to tell her to go out or do this or that. You are being obnoxious. Sending her pics of who you are with while at the same time trying to ask after people you don't know is really passive aggressive behavior on your part where you are hoping she'll do what you do so you know, see and feel in control. Again, she is drawing and enforcing healthy boundaries with you and pointing out to you politely that you are out of line acting like that. Please please pay attention. I'm really into her is not an excuse for your behavior.

Finally, don't lie to us or yourself about "I trust her" when you clearly don't. If you truly trusted her, you'd sleep tight at night, back the eff off of all that texting and trying to keep an electronic leash on her and getting all riled up when it's not working. You don't trust and you are acting out and being extremely insecure, bombarding her constantly and then being angry it's not giving you the result that you want. Long distance requires confidence and a whole lot of faith and patience. You are demonstrating none of that and that will bring about the demise of your relationship with her. Listen to your brother, listen to people on here - back off. Let her actually miss you and contact you. Focus on quality time and conversations and not this neurotic tracking of how long since she responded to some inane text you sent for the 100th time.

DancingFool, thank you for your response.

I see her point and maybe I have been a little much at times, but I've never told her what to do. the time I was referring to Thursday night she sounded very short and not too happy. me saying on a text for her to wake up too saying ''enjoy your day, you didn't seem yourself last night why don't u go out tonight and enjoy yourself'' I don't think is a bad thing.

I've never sent her 100 text messages as u refer I think your here this from me and maybe im too honest I've held some things back which I think would make any person question or have a few alarm bells ringing, I can have trust but also concerned when something when a situations seem strange. and I'm not jumping to conclusions I just keep those thoughts to myself.

anyways you are right I have insecure overall and last night we decided to end it and be friends.

I told her how I feel and she told me she ignored my message on purpose so she had a day without talking to me.

its done now, I'm a little sad how its turned out but it maybe for the best.

I knew long distance relationship was going to be difficult from the beginning.

thank you everyone for your advice.

Sorry to hear this. However it's a valuable lesson in not sending daily/nightly nonsense texts, as they Will be perceived as keeping tabs and tethering.

last night we decided to end it and be friends.

I told her how I feel and she told me she ignored my message on purpose so she had a day without talking to me.