Was I an entitled ‘nice guy’ in denial? Emotional affair.

Emotional affair with married woman. She’s been married 20 years. Fairly long post.

Met at work. Got close fast, we were really similar. Soon she opened up about her marriage. Ran away from home when she first got married, said she got married too young and it wasn’t the best idea. Said she was always giving and never receiving, only I was special and different. Said I was only person in the world who could make her giggle and laugh like I did. I thought there was something growing, she said she’d feel better alone and was happier. when he was away on the weekends. I drew her a post it note of her in this fantasy land because she was down every day...she said there was only one thing missing then asked where I was in it.

So I told her I felt uncomfortable with that talk, that I’d rather it stopped. She said she never had or wasn’t developing any romantic feelings for me because she is married and she is too old for me (she’s 43, I’m 29) and that’s why she felt comfortable sharing her thoughts and feelings. So I said, that’s fine...but no husband talk, and wanted that boundary respected. And no touching on the arm or shoulder like she would always do.

When I came back from holiday we were the same, she said her husband makes her angry because she has to do everything. Then on team night out she said again she got married to escape her mums influence. We talked all night. We were drunk, she would lean in and say “do you want to know a secret? You are my best friend.” And “people must like you because you are being yourself”. She fell into me a couple of times so I’d embrace her, putting her head on my shoulder. When everything be else went home we kissed. Then walked to train station and kissed again. She has said she is always happy in my company and I’m always increasing her confidence.

She said we were friends but then I sat away from her for a bit at work (we sat next to each other). I asked if we could talk and admitted I had feelings and was attracted to her, she admitted she enjoyed the kiss and agreed when I said it was like we were in the middle between a friendship and a relationship. The next week we flirted a bit via text, then she we couldn’t and I said “so there’s no attraction.?” She said no then a minute later said, “I just want to say though, I really love your eyes and your voice and I could listen to you talk all day”

I wrote a list of the things I liked about her because she said she was surprised I did and didn’t know why. She told me she loved it then text me 4 times. I didn’t receive them, she showed me the next day, last one was “ok you’re not reading my messages, good night”. Next day she’s upset because other people at her other job were bullying her. I said I was angry with them, she said “we can’t be angry together. Someone has to cheer me up”.

Then I asked to meet her out of work and she shut it down, said she could only offer friendship. I reacted...not great. I asked her to delete my number and we’d just be work colleagues. I was fine first time she said ‘no’ but felt that week was unfair. She said she never saw me as anything more and was never attracted to me as a man, maybe emotionally attracted, but that was it. I’d written her something else putting my feelings down and she said she didn’t like it when’s people tried to put ideas in her head?

There was this dynamic we had when I felt I always had to be there for her, and worrying for her, when she’d tell me she would find it easier to go to sleep and never wake up. And I guess I started to resent always being there for her. And I felt like the ‘nice guy’ even though I did it because I cared not because I wanted to sleep with her.

But...it was the boundaries being crossed again. Still, the touching. I got her a shoebox of gifts when I left work (little, cheap things, but personal) and next day she said her husband was curious so she showed him. “He said, ‘how old are you?’, and I just ignored that.”

I got her those gifts because I wanted to do something special for her, but she knew at that point I had feelings and I really didn’t need to know what her husband thought of them or about any negative feeling she had to him when I’d asked that boundary not to be crossed. Then she was still touching me, we used to draw in each other’s arms and when she did she would grasp my hand really tight.

I told her I loved her. Which I did, and asked if we could meet to talk because I was finding it hard and in the long run wanted to be friends and wanted to talk about what was best. She went quiet on me. Then got angry because I mentioned to someone else at work I had feelings for her and she “thought that she could trust me. If you feel the need to talk about us with other people then that is it”. She said she wanted to be friends even after I tried to convince her she had feelings for me??? But that was it.

And then I begged for the friendship and apologised so much but she blocked me on everything and went haven’t spoken and never will. And I was sitting thinking that I was there for her every day for 8 months when he wasn’t. That I was there when her friend passed away, that I helped her with work, that I consoled her when she was crying in the kitchen. And I felt that all the times I’d been there and supported her didn’t count for anything.

Am I being really entitled?

I don’t mean I deserved to be with her.

But she never would even meet to understand me or to say goodbye as a friend. And she knew I loved her already before I said it.

Because I really was there a lot. And I did it as a friend. And was told I was special, different, I cheered her up, she thanked me for caring for her and supporting her, and wrote me a card two weeks before it went to crap thanking me for my friendship, for understanding her like no other, for laughter, for listening to her crying.

Couldn’t accept she wasn’t interested because I’m so desperate for that connection I thought me and her felt more than platonic after the kiss. Especially with the husband talk and telling me all this great stuff about me.

I feel like I acted like she owed me something which wasn’t the intention, I just found our emotional intimacy really difficult since it felt relationshippy. But I guess the was entitled because I felt like what’s wrong with me, if I can be all of these things to her, if she admits she connects with me more than him and I make her laugh more, if she thinks I’m more fun and that I’m “the one I will call if I ever need someone to make me laugh” why didn’t she like me? And it was that thought that I couldn’t let go that ruined the friendship.

Wanted to add-> I find it hard dealing with close, intimate relationships and have rejection sensitivity dysphoria. I know I was owed nothing, but I will try anything to try and rationalise anything away. But this was like my ex...I felt pressure to be there for them, they tell me I was he only one they had or who could cheer them up, I get overly emotionally invested and just find it hard to deal with things.

My ex -> wanted to marry me after one week

This lady -> saying I’m special and different and we are best friends after a month

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