On being really attractive?

Okay, so I know this might seem like one of the SHALLOWEST post on planet earth :welcoming:

But I'm warning you now :peaceful::peaceful:

I genuinely feel like I may be TOO attractive, for my own good.

Wherever I go - there will ALWAYS be someone who "likes" me, or "fancies" me. And I mean everywhere, but I feel like I'm not attracting the sort of attention I really want. In reality, I am quite a sweet natured, NORMAL person who appears quite naiive on the surface but I am intelligent and I can just TELL whenever people are attracted to me. I think I finally understand that attracting a true boyfriend, will take time and this applies to everyone. Can't rush those sorts of things.

Now that I've joined university, I am getting a LOT of attention and it can be quite intimidating for someone who suffers with anxiety. I always assume that those guys want a relationship with me, but now that I'm an adult - it's become way more apparent that they are probably looking for sex and their intentions may not be as pure as I would like to think.

Growing up, I was always labelled as one of the "prettiest girls in the whole school" and as "perfect" by the boys in the year above.

I'm not trying to boast, it's difficult when you feel like all these guys are watching you to be honest. And especially when you feel as though you're a lonely person who craves love, it's difficult not to feel used?

What I'm asking is: HOW can I improve my life, and stop caring about so many people being attracted to me and possibly intimidated by me whilst sticking to my values etc

how can I stop caring about people who pretend like they don't want to talk to me, because they either think they aren't good enough to or they are too good for me?

how can I stop feeling like everyone hates me, and that guys only want me for my body?

how can I stop feeling self-concious about living my best life

I feel like I OWE guys favours because of my attractiveness sometimes.

k sorry if this made no sense tbh xx

Why do you ask? :)

i rephrased the whole question ahaha :welcoming:

Aa ok. I thought you were the one being intimidated by someone's looks.

Well based on this and your other post, I think your problem is not your looks - it's great that you're considered super pretty, believe me, it's a problem to be on the opposite side, and relatively good looks may improve your chances in many areas of life.

I think the problem is the kind of behaviour you're attracting in the environment that you're in. You're said it yourself that the first year of uni is this new taste of freedom. Right now you're surrounded with a lot of young guys who left their highschool life behind and are excited to start this new exciting chapter of their lives. It's a great chance for people who didn't have much luck in high school to promote some new image and get laid a lot. These who used to date seriously in high school are now free to explore something else. So the environment that you're in, all these students parties, it's a place full of excitement and hope for free sex.

It's worth to mention - not that you're not pretty, of course you are - this kind of behavior has not that much to do with actual beauty or even less by being intimidated by it. Guys who look for hookups (and this is your problem) will charm the heck out of every average girl to make them believe like they're in awe of her looks, while in reality they feel that way about 90% of the population that owns breasts and vagina. Maybe that's my impression, based on my experiences. Anyway, it isn't always that they're actually putting a girl on some sort of pedestal because of her beauty. Sometimes, they're just spotting an easy target, someone with blurred boundaries, someone nice or vulnerable. Sometimes they spot someone who seems to be also looking for fun, and physically attractive, because they're concerned about physical beauty.

What I want to say, it isn't anything about you or your looks. You don't intimidate these guys, they just seek for casual sex. Of course, they find you attractive, but you certainly shouldn't change the way you look. It doesn't matter if your beauty makes you seem shallow to some generalizing people, or if your attractiveness makes you surrounded by too much attention. Honestly the only thing that you should be concerned about is your response to it. If that kind of attention flatters you and you kind of need it to feel confident about yourself in this new place where you don't have friends yet, and after a breakup. If you respond to it with interest, or if you actually are faithful to your values, which as you say, are different from this. Just do your own thing and you're gonna be on the right track, and the right guys will come along. For now, I would try to stop focusing on guy stuff altogether - as hard as I know it is, believe me - and try to get interested in yourself again, in your studies, new people, cultural life in your new area, developing new interests, seeing your favourite bands. This is the best time for stuff like that! Fall in love with yourself again, get interested in people in a deep way, without focusing on the sex/guy stuff. And then you'll still be getting some shallow attention, but you're gonna be really waterproof to that, it's not gonna affect your life in any way.

Good luck! And can I give you a homework? :) Do something really cool this following week, fulfill some dream of yours, get involved in something you were interested in for a long time.

I've turned down a lot of guys because I know they are looking for a hookup.

You stick to your values and don't worry about it, they aren't worthy.

Your body is your temple, treat it as such.

You owe guys nothing. This is quite disturbing that you feel this way.

What are you giving them?

I can guarantee you that no one is intimidated by your looks. Your personality or how you carry yourself is what makes you unapproachable.

I feel like I OWE guys favours because of my attractiveness sometimes.

I understand. It's a prevailing attitude. But you don't owe anyone anything.

When U + Ur Hand by Pink came out, it was about 10 years too late for me. But I relish that line, "We didn't get all dressed up just for you to see."

Years ago, I saw a picture of Jaime Pressly wearing a "Be sexy. It doesn't mean you have to have sex" t-shirt. I was going to post it here, but I can't find it.

Anyway, be sexy. It doesn't mean you owe anyone anything.

I think looks can be intimidating. It really depends on the confidence of the guy.

When I was 18, I dated a girl that was wayyy wayyy out of my league. She was a national model, she was on beer commercials, national campaigns, calendars and I finally asked.. why me? She said, because you had the balls to talk to me and you make me feel like a woman, a person, and not an object. Then she told me that some of the most beautiful girls in the world are single, and often go out on a Friday night with friends or stay at home because guys simply don't ask them out. Guys see a beautiful girl and assume "They must be with a hot, rich guy" "Must be with a rich guy" "must be looking for a rich guy" "She must be with the best looking guy" I was told that way of thinking is false and to not ever think that way. In fact, go out and say hi, make her laugh and youll see what happens.

Long story short, we dated 4 years, I took her to the airport to so she could visit her mom, never saw her again.. But the advice stayed with me. I'm no 10 by any means. Some might find me attractive, some may not, but I do go up and say hi, my name is ....... and Ill come up with some dumb line depending on whats going on at the time. Sometimes they are taken (by some hot or rich guy) and sometimes they are single and we go out. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't

I find that a lot of times its your approachability. If you look like men will simply annoy you, then very few men would come up and say anything. Or you just get the guys that want you as a notch in their belt.

There is a guy out there who is going to be so so lucky to be with you. Not because of your looks, but because you care. You took the time to make up a screen name and apologized (when you didn't need to) and you simply wanted to know why. That means you care and you are curious to know how some things in the world works. Guys are simple but we are dumb. Sometimes we see a good thing and think its too good to be true. Or just assume you are taken.

But asking... why don't you go out and break the ice next time?

I can guarantee you that no one is intimidated by your looks. Your personality or how you carry yourself is what makes you unapproachable.

I agree. OP, between your previous thread and this one, have you seen a counsellor yet about all of these issues?

I'd say a way to stop attracting the "wrong" kind of attention is to stop thinking of yourself as the "prettiest girl in the room" - if that's the first thing you think whenever you go somewhere, that's pretty silly...and it means YOU are focused on your looks. That doesn't mean everyone else is.

I'd say a way to stop attracting the "wrong" kind of attention is to stop thinking of yourself as the "prettiest girl in the room" - if that's the first thing you think whenever you go somewhere, that's pretty silly...and it means YOU are focused on your looks. That doesn't mean everyone else is.

I do appreciate your comment. But that is not the first thing I think of at all, when I go anywhere. I honestly do not believe I am the prettiest girl in the room ever.

Infact, I genuinely believe that other people are much prettier than me. I'm not that vain. It's just based on what people have said to me throughout my whole life, I'm wondering if looks really do play a role & if I'm allowing other people's assumptions affect a healthy relationship with myself.

I'm certainly not solely focused on my looks, I am focused on looking good (in my own way) but only because of 1) Hygiene 2) feeling good 3) being presentable enough, sometimes fashionable if I like - which is a perfectly natural, human thing to do. This is essential for a sense of confidence and self efficacy.

I've been labelled as vain for taking care of myself, and grooming myself and checking the mirror but it's only because I'm trying to identify any flaws...like a perfectly normal human being.

Aside this need to take care of myself as anyone has, if you're considered beautiful and you consistently hear that people would love to look like you- i'm wondering if people tend to make assumptions about you before you even open your mouth.

It's not unheard of that attractive people are prone to stereotypes/being labelled.

For example, many people would assume that if you are good looking then you must be unintelligent or promiscuous or that one must have a happy life (never sad), be 'perfect' or that one is very confident

I'M NOT even complaining because at the end of the day I know I'm lucky, and I'm not only beautiful, but I'm also talented and what-not and even if my looks disappear, I know I'm still beautiful. My physicality really isn't my biggest concern, my main concern is actually my personality, and how I carry myself in this world and I hope to be a good person. This huge shock I've experienced at university where boys do not hesitate to seek you for sex, but then i experience the issue of knowing whether they truly like me or just want me for my body. Hearing that I'm so beautiful, growing up all the time - has made me feel paranoid that people only want me/talk to me because of my looks - not because I have a good personality.

In school, I was always hated on by teachers so that killed my self esteem a little and made me feel like I had nothing but my charm and good looks to be honest with you to get me through. Even though I got a B in maths my maths teacher would always say I was going to end up unemployed, never showed signs of being proud of me. Just because I was a dumb kid who liked to bloody talk a lot...

Anyway. Whatever, I'm grateful and all. But I think you should have a bit more compassion because you're just making me feel like my problems aren't as real as anyone else's to be honest. And I'm not saying anyone actually cares about my looks, yes everyone has their own to worry about. 99% of them won't actually care. But that's exactly the point. Who cares about the pretty girl who's stereotyped to having no personality and being dumb as because of her looks and because she's also charming? or who cares about her problems, she's pretty so her life must be so easy. Or wow this girl is so beautiful, Everyone MUST love her or the complete opposite, this girl must be a hoe/a .

:welcoming::welcoming:

Lmaooo ignore this I was so mad

Aa ok. I thought you were the one being intimidated by someone's looks.

 

Well based on this and your other post, I think your problem is not your looks - it's great that you're considered super pretty, believe me, it's a problem to be on the opposite side, and relatively good looks may improve your chances in many areas of life.

 

I think the problem is the kind of behaviour you're attracting in the environment that you're in. You're said it yourself that the first year of uni is this new taste of freedom. Right now you're surrounded with a lot of young guys who left their highschool life behind and are excited to start this new exciting chapter of their lives. It's a great chance for people who didn't have much luck in high school to promote some new image and get laid a lot. These who used to date seriously in high school are now free to explore something else. So the environment that you're in, all these students parties, it's a place full of excitement and hope for free sex.

 

It's worth to mention - not that you're not pretty, of course you are - this kind of behavior has not that much to do with actual beauty or even less by being intimidated by it. Guys who look for hookups (and this is your problem) will charm the heck out of every average girl to make them believe like they're in awe of her looks, while in reality they feel that way about 90% of the population that owns breasts and vagina. Maybe that's my impression, based on my experiences. Anyway, it isn't always that they're actually putting a girl on some sort of pedestal because of her beauty. Sometimes, they're just spotting an easy target, someone with blurred boundaries, someone nice or vulnerable. Sometimes they spot someone who seems to be also looking for fun, and physically attractive, because they're concerned about physical beauty.

 

What I want to say, it isn't anything about you or your looks. You don't intimidate these guys, they just seek for casual sex. Of course, they find you attractive, but you certainly shouldn't change the way you look. It doesn't matter if your beauty makes you seem shallow to some generalizing people, or if your attractiveness makes you surrounded by too much attention. Honestly the only thing that you should be concerned about is your response to it. If that kind of attention flatters you and you kind of need it to feel confident about yourself in this new place where you don't have friends yet, and after a breakup. If you respond to it with interest, or if you actually are faithful to your values, which as you say, are different from this. Just do your own thing and you're gonna be on the right track, and the right guys will come along. For now, I would try to stop focusing on guy stuff altogether - as hard as I know it is, believe me - and try to get interested in yourself again, in your studies, new people, cultural life in your new area, developing new interests, seeing your favourite bands. This is the best time for stuff like that! Fall in love with yourself again, get interested in people in a deep way, without focusing on the sex/guy stuff. And then you'll still be getting some shallow attention, but you're gonna be really waterproof to that, it's not gonna affect your life in any way.

 

Good luck! And can I give you a homework? :) Do something really cool this following week, fulfill some dream of yours, get involved in something you were interested in for a long time.

this is everything. thank you.

I can guarantee you that no one is intimidated by your looks. Your personality or how you carry yourself is what makes you unapproachable.

Precisely. If I showed you guys a picture of the guy I just broke up with, you all would be like "?" Not physically attractive AT ALL. But it was his personality that got me. I thought he was perfect. Until he showed me his insides were just as ugly as his outside.

Question, how do you dress? How you wear clothes can influence how a guy perceives you (first impressions). I remember that at college, when some gals just wanted to hook up, they'd purposefully wear their shortest low cut (plenty of cleavage) dress. Whereas those that were looking for something more long-term looked incredibly hot in a not so skimpy outfit.

I'm NOT saying this is you, all I am saying: the way a woman dresses influences how a man will perceive her as.