Mother and Partner Advice Needed

Hi... I am really feeling at a loss so here is some information about my current situation.

its so hard to be with my mother. she wont tell me how she's feeling, and i get angry because i cant figure out how she's feeling, and then we have a huge fight until she admits how she was feeling initially. one year she bought a pair of pants and they didn't fit. i asked her, because they were expensive, why doesn't she send them back? she said she cant and its fine, she laughed it off and said she will find a cheaper pair. i told her i want her to be able to have nice things and she should send them back. then we had an argument about why she wouldn't just send them back. it turns out, which i was later informed of, that shed sent them off to be tailored and therefore couldn't send them back and she felt embarrassed to tell me that, as if i would judge her. i wracked my brain trying to figure out why she would not just tell me that - why couldn't she have just said she couldn't send them back because she had them sewn?

today we were in a restaurant and she got a message. she said it would be too loud to listen to the message. i suggested, if she thought it was important, she step outside. she wouldnt and said it was fine. then she asked if i wanted to go outside while she paid the bill. i said i didn't know why i would go out and she said maybe it was too loud for me and i should, since i had been annoyed by one girl speaking incredibly loudly and now there was a huge group in the restaurant. i tried to make it clear that, while i found that one girl extremely obnoxious, a group is a different thing. some how this turned into a massive fight until she got so tired of fighting that she admitted she hadnt heard me suggest she go outside to hear the message.

i hate trying to figure out what the hell my mom is thinking however i feel it very deeply when i know she is not being fully truthful with me, therefor i get incredibly frustrated. i sometimes feel like we will never get along. i am adopted and therefore feel that i should be grateful to her but in many ways i am resentful of her. i was raised an only child with her, and I was adopted at a young age from an orphanage in india. Its been lonely and difficult. she is very hard to communicate with sometimes and told me she just doesn't think about things as much as i do - probably due to my spending the last 14 years in therapy trying to figure out myself, and how to be a better friend and communicator.

ive recently lost a relationship which i thought was going to be the one person id spend my life with, or at least a very long time with. i realize now that was because my insecurity was too great and he felt like he always had to encourage me, or hold me up - i wouldn't take his encouragement in a positive way and instead pushed him away when he would encourage me. the love died because it was smothered from all of the encouragement i needed. i guess it felt like strength when really, the true strength is vulnerability - something i struggle to offer.

my mother is all i have in a sense and i want to have a healthy relationship with her. i know i cant change her and should accept her as she is but i feel unhealthy levels of resentment and frustration, often, when she comes to mind. other times i feel unconditional love for her.

i want to get my partner back but don't know how and, to be honest, don't know if i can offer him what he needs in a healthy balanced relationship. he was so good to me and still contacts me from time to time and, as far as i know, there is still an attraction there so it is not completely broken yet (the break up was only a couple of weeks ago). i fear he will forget me and move on although i know he is not the type to go out and be with other women immediately.

i feel like my life is worth living but after these couple of weeks (losing him, coming home for christmas and fighting brutally with her) i feel really discouraged about my life in general. i dont live my dreams, and work at a job i really dont like for fear of not having an income or a visa (i have lived in germany for the last 8 years). i need the income, as well, to get a new apartment as i have to move from mine by march.

just generally i feel so discouraged. ive never written to one of these forums as i feel most of the time like i do a good job holding myself up, and discuss a lot of things in therapy. ive gone through many years of depression and extreme anxiety as a child until i was roughly 28 (i am now 32 in 3 weeks).

if anyone has any advice, it is welcome. my mind feels like a fog, as if i am losing the things that mean the most to me, and beginning to hate many things that mean the most to me.

thank you.

You are causing your own frustration by trying to run your mom’s life. Let her run her own. She surivived before you were born and after you left. You don’t need to fight with your mother over a pair of pants . That’s micromanaging.

thank you for your response. Did you read the full letter? this isnt about the pants :-/

I probably wrote it poorly as i feel a bit of a mess at the moment. i dont want to micromanage her, i want to communicate with her.

Of course I did. But as I mentioned it is not necessary to run your mom’s life. She has a different communication style from yours. Right?

yes and her influencing my communication style for so long has now caused me to struggle in my own interpersonal relationships. i dont know. it feels like everything is lost and there is no point in being here. i know that sounds stupid but i feel lonely and hopeless.

OK ,but we can’t change anybody in the world but ourselves. If your mom doesn’t want to change her communication style she won’t . No amount of arguing ,fighting and screaming will do one bit of good . It just creates more tension. And I get it my father has no communication style unless it’s rude and ignorant . So for the most part I don’t bother with him except twice a year .

I’m not saying that you should abandon your mom but don’t be responsible for her communication style don’t be responsible for her life that’s not your job . Your job is your own life and your own communication style . You are trying to take on responsibilities that are not yours .

OK ,but we can’t change anybody in the world but ourselves. If your mom doesn’t want to change her communication style she won’t . No amount of arguing ,fighting and screaming will do one bit of good . It just creates more tension. And I get it my father has no communication style unless it’s rude and ignorant . So for the most part I don’t bother with him except twice a year .

 

I’m not saying that you should abandon your mom but don’t be responsible for her communication style don’t be responsible for her life that’s not your job . Your job is your own life and your own communication style . You are trying to take on responsibilities that are not yours .

thank you for your words of advice. i really appreciate them.

Hi Pam....I also have that massive feeling of "loss." And it doesn't help that this is the season of family closeness and joy. I am going through divorce and our kids live with my wife close by. One thing you wrote struck me - you said you "should be grateful" (or something similar) to your Mom for your adoption. I'm sorry but I just don't get that. Sure, she changed your life but I have to think an adoption is mostly an attempt to change the adopter's life (my sister adopted a baby girl from China 15 years ago.) Please don't' feel like you have to be grateful or that you "owe" her anything.....