Is Healing Different In Mutual Breakups?

In short, my now-ex and I mutually broke up a few days ago. It came out the blue for me honestly. We were together a year, in bliss. But last month, he said he was really unhappy and felt we were incompatible. It blew me away because the reasons he gave, he never discussed with me, or brought up. So I didn't know he was disturbed. On top of that, because of our jobs, we're both military, we've been long distance for the bulk of our relationship and I know that weighs on him. He told me he felt unsure about me and felt we were incompatible. I said if he felt unsure about me, I didn't want him. We haven't spoken since then. It does hurt. But after a few days of silence, I can now see things differently, the good and the bad of our relationship, and with him, and myself. I'd like to believe we can be friends in the future, as I do respect him as a person. This is my first mutual break up. I'm unsure what to do. I've gone No Contact but I still have him on my social media. I just unfollow him so he's not on my feed.

Advice?

I mean it wasn't really a mutual breakup. For all intents and purposes, he dumped you when he told you he was unhappy and didn't feel you two were incompatible. I think it's great that you were willing to make your leave rather than beg, having the wisdom to realize it's not worth trying to convince someone who doesn't reciprocate your feelings, but fact is you broke up because he didn't want to be with you, not because you didn't want to be with him. Truly mutual breakups are very few and far between.

Which isn't me trying to knock you down a peg. It's just to suggest that it's only been a few days and there's a decent chance your moment of clarity may turn into wanting him and missing him, and you'd be well entitled to that. Keep taking your space. I can't tell you that you have to delete him from social media to recover (I've never deleted anyone, including exes), but it could turn out to be a good idea. Just try not to let your sense of this being more or less mutual convince you that you can try to become friends with him sooner than later.

Best of luck.

My advice is that it's best to leave ex's in the past and not try to stay friends.

Also agree that it doesn't sound all that mutual. He ended things and it was a surprise to you. You thought things were going well. Kudos to you for being wise and accepting the break up and realizing that you really don't want to be with someone who doesn't want you! Now you sever all strings and move on with your life on a clean slate.

It's one of the reasons why you can't really date over the Internet. A person can come across the Internet differently than they are in real life. Also through texting, sarcasm can be misinterpreted as well as other expressions. It's best to connect with people we can see and touch.

It's one of the reasons why you can't really date over the Internet. A person can come across the Internet differently than they are in real life. Also through texting, sarcasm can be misinterpreted as well as other expressions. It's best to connect with people we can see and touch.

We didn't find each other online

@j man- I don't miss him anymore. I'm entering the anger stage since I feel he wasted my time. A lot of it.

Thank you for your honesty.

Why don't you delete your exes?

Is Healing Different In Mutual Breakups?

This isn't criticism, but what about this question is useful to you?

I can appreciate that you may go through times of wondering what would happen if you didn't pull the plug, but that'll just bring you around to the fact that ex actually pulled the plug because he was already checked out.

Spinning around that event may be a natural impulse, but it'll just keep landing you in the same place--which is really no different than any other breakup where you didn't participate.

I'd focus on the empowerment you earned by walking away instead of attempting to manipulate a different response from ex. I'd make it my goal to surprise everyone, including myself, with my resilience and ability to bounce back from this to create a great future for myself. I'd shoot for civility in public but skip ideas of friendship with an ex because it only leads to another parting for either to pursue a relationship with someone who wouldn't be interested in anyone who's still involved with an ex.

Head high.

This isn't criticism, but what about this question is useful to you?

 

To assess a situation outside your own opinions and see what I should be doing, to heal as quickly as possible.

To assess a situation outside your own opinions and see what I should be doing, to heal as quickly as possible.

Immerse yourself in your life, friends, hobbies, work, etc. Make new friends or find new hobbies. Keep busy and enjoying yourself and your life. Whatever you do, do not stay in touch with your ex. Don't play friends, don't keep talking, remove them from your social media, etc. It's a lot like removing a splinter so the wound can actually heal. If you leave any part of it behind, the wound will being to fester. Mutual or not mutual, same thing really. You move on. Yes, the ex was a part of your life, but now they are not and shouldn't be.

The worst that you can do to yourself is drag a trainload of ex's turned "friends" behind you because most people will see it as unresolved and unhealthy baggage and will run away screaming from you. So don't taint your future dating life with ex baggage. Take the good, what you've learned about yourself and what you do and don't like in a partner from this and move forward fully and completely.