Too Fussy?

So on my journey of recovering from a series of abusive and rubbish relationships I’ve come up with a list of deal breakers and a list of minimum requirements.

Would anybody care to share there’s with me? I think my lists are great but I’m not convinced such a person exists. At the same time I’m acutely aware that I have terribly low standards when it comes to dating so perhaps they do.

I have 17 dealbreakers and 22 minimum requirements. Maybe some should go on the desirable additions list 🤣

Thoughts?

So on my journey of recovering from a series of abusive and rubbish relationships I’ve come up with a list of deal breakers and a list of minimum requirements.

 

Would anybody care to share there’s with me? I think my lists are great but I’m not convinced such a person exists. At the same time I’m acutely aware that I have terribly low standards when it comes to dating so perhaps they do.

 

I have 17 dealbreakers and 22 minimum requirements. Maybe some should go on the desirable additions list 🤣

 

Thoughts?

Dealbreaker 1: Correct use of grammar in all forms of written communication.

No acceptions.

Well.....so what is on that list?

I've never made an actual list, but certainly I have deal breakers and requirements.

Having standards is easy. Enforcing them is the true challenge. We all tend to meet that person we are attracted to, they display a host of red flags, but instead of running away screaming from them, we start excusing and rationalizing......that's what leads to trouble.

High BF%

Regular smoker

Treats service staff like ****

Complains about anything on a first date (or at least without dressing it up in some good humor)

Really, anyone who complains or "vents" frequently at any stage

Talks about an ex or exes (unless just to state plainly they've been married at some point or something)

A number of random and completely trivial aesthetic characteristics

Lives at home for pretty much any reason aside from caretaking

Has Children

Nagging

Can't efficiently help move big furniture

I don't know. I have to try pretty hard to come up with a list. At the end of the day, so long as you're economically, emotionally, and socially self-sufficient, are attractive, and we get along for whatever or however many reasons, discernible or not, I'm pretty open to setting whatever list aside and gauging things as they come. I can be pretty ruthless in that I simply won't go on a second date with someone I'm not certain I'm attracted to after the first, but it's much more rare that I can give an exact list of reasons or deal-breakers why. I don't think it's in any way bad practice to keep a few big things in mind, but a lot of people will get hung up someone who's "omg finally such a perfect match" on paper when the guy could essentially be a d1ck in a number of other ways that you hadn't gotten around to explicitly writing down or thinking through.

I think we all have deal breakers and requirements, but we can be stuck into building a mould of what the right person should be and as you are aluding to, end up being too fussy. You end up in nit picky situations, 'that girl was amazing, but shame about the...' ah well, next...

It should always be said that you should aim for the 80% person, because the 100% right person doesn't exist.

Deal breakers: Addictions such as narcotics, alcohol, gambling, porn. Cheating. Financially unstable. Emotionally and physically abusive.

Must haves: Kind, respectful, faithful, financially stable, sexual compatibility, appealing personality, takes care of their health

If you're getting into nit-picky things like being a snappy dresser or being slightly messy like leaving dirty socks on the floor for a day before they wind up in the hamper, then your list of prospects will be very small.

Dealbreaker 1: Correct use of grammar in all forms of written communication.

 

No acceptions.

I hope that was a pun.

Dealbreakers: Lying, cheating, lack of a moral compass that aligns reasonably with my own. (Also, addict of any kind: alcohol, drugs, gaming, etc.)

Lack of independance

No backbone

Rude to people doing their job

Overly entitled

I had a very short list of dealbreakers and the rest I dealt with individually -

- still married "separated"

-doesn't want marriage or family with 100% enthusiasm

minimumrequirements

-at least college educated

-same religious background as me

-ambitious and excellent work ethic

-no illegal drugs and no excessive drinking

(and of course the usual of trustworthy/great character/compatible senses of humor, etc). I also had particular screening requirements in mind for the first phone call with someone from a dating site.

No cheaters, liars, alcoholics, druggies, smokers, do not want anyone who is not completely single, do not want anyone who has ex's hanging around, do not want anyone who has been overly sexually promiscuous. No physical or mental abuse or history of it.

Can we see the list? 😀

High BF%

Regular smoker

Treats service staff like ****

Complains about anything on a first date (or at least without dressing it up in some good humor)

Really, anyone who complains or "vents" frequently at any stage

Talks about an ex or exes (unless just to state plainly they've been married at some point or something)

A number of random and completely trivial aesthetic characteristics

Lives at home for pretty much any reason aside from caretaking

Has Children

Nagging

Can't efficiently help move big furniture

 

I don't know. I have to try pretty hard to come up with a list. At the end of the day, so long as you're economically, emotionally, and socially self-sufficient, are attractive, and we get along for whatever or however many reasons, discernible or not, I'm pretty open to setting whatever list aside and gauging things as they come. I can be pretty ruthless in that I simply won't go on a second date with someone I'm not certain I'm attracted to after the first, but it's much more rare that I can give an exact list of reasons or deal-breakers why. I don't think it's in any way bad practice to keep a few big things in mind, but a lot of people will get hung up someone who's "omg finally such a perfect match" on paper when the guy could essentially be a d1ck in a number of other ways that you hadn't gotten around to explicitly writing down or thinking through.

Can't move big furniture? Are you dating a lumberjack?

Smoking

Lying

Past of infidelity

Cheap

Disrespectful

Inactive

Homebody

Any addiction issue

Problem with finances

Sloppy

Whiner

Must have - 4x4 pick up truck, own guns and bows ( I don't like other ppl using my stuff) know how to hunt deer, ducks, turkeys and hogs, know how clean and cook said critters, all or at least most of their teeth and can spit tabacoo juice as good as me.....

Now in all seriousness, must haves, kids or be really good with kids, must love dogs, must and I mean must enjoy seeing taxidermy simply bc if she comes to my house I've got mounts in every room, must be able to put up with life dating an oilfield worker that alone weeds out about 95% of them in the first 2 months.

Must nots- be nasty I can't stand going to a woman's house and it reeks

Heavy drug / alcohol use, I can deal with burning a doobie or drinking a beer on oc

Must have - 4x4 pick up truck, own guns and bows ( I don't like other ppl using my stuff) know how to hunt deer, ducks, turkeys and hogs, know how clean and cook said critters, all or at least most of their teeth and can spit tabacoo juice as good as me.....

Now in all seriousness, must haves, kids or be really good with kids, must love dogs, must and I mean must enjoy seeing taxidermy simply bc if she comes to my house I've got mounts in every room, must be able to put up with life dating an oilfield worker that alone weeds out about 95% of them in the first 2 months.

Must nots- be nasty I can't stand going to a woman's house and it reeks

Heavy drug / alcohol use, I can deal with burning a doobie or drinking a beer on ocassion

Whinning

High maintenance

Mean to me, my son or my dog

Insulting

I made a list a few years ago, but now after dating my boyfriend for the last 3 years a lot of stuff on my list doesn’t matter. My absolutely non negotiables were:

1. Must have a job.

2. Must have a car(public transport is non existent in my town and I’m never picking someone up for a date ever again)

3. Must not be living off of anyone else. I don’t want to date a couch surfer or a sponge.

4. Must be open minded and able to discuss opinions rationally.

5. Must have an imagination and a sense of humor.

You're asking us if you're being too fussy, but you didn't include your list.

I think dealbreaker #1 is mental illness. I'm not going to put up with that at all. I don't care if therapy works for them....it's never 100%.

I’m aware that my lists are long and some of them can be condensed together to make one more encompassing trait.

So dealbreakers:

Dishonesty

Irresponsible

Poor hygiene

Untidy

No car

Doesn’t live independently

Unreliable

Neglects own welfare

Not single

Selfish

Fussy eater

Ill tempered

Critical

Argumentative

Anti-marriage

Judgemental

Racist, homophobic, sexist etc

I think you need to be more specific about the subjective qualities you listed -they're quite broad. Do you mean if the person is constantly selfish or judgmental? Is a one off a dealbreaker? If he makes one sexist comment is he gone? If he is hangry and gets argumentative what then?

No cheaters, liars, alcoholics, druggies, smokers, do not want anyone who is not completely single, do not want anyone who has ex's hanging around, do not want anyone who has been overly sexually promiscuous. No physical or mental abuse or history of it.

Yeah the ex thing may be my biggest dealbreaker, or one of the biggest.

Don't want a man who recently broke up with an ex, still hung up on his ex, still "friends" with his ex, still communicates with his ex (unless they have children together and need to communicate about their kids), or if he speaks negatively of his ex.

If any of the above is happening, it's an immediate next, no matter how attracted to him I am.

Deal breakers: Racism, bigotry, misogyny, smoking, excessive alcohol/partying, drug use(including 420), in a relationship, doesn't have their s$%# together, doesn't like being healthy/active/being outside, being abusive, no chemistry.

The things I look for add up to whether I feel chemistry for someone. If I don't feel that chemistry right away, they get either moved into the friend-zone or politely and respectfully told I didn't feel it and moved on.

Since I have a spotty past I try not to judge others on theirs as long as they have done the work to change and are committed to being a better person.

I’m aware that my lists are long and some of them can be condensed together to make one more encompassing trait.

 

So dealbreakers:

 

Dishonesty

Irresponsible

Poor hygiene

Untidy

No car

Doesn’t live independently

Unreliable

Neglects own welfare

Not single

Selfish

Fussy eater

Ill tempered

Critical

Argumentative

Anti-marriage

Judgemental

Racist, homophobic, sexist etc

Sounds pretty reasonable so far and yes, your list isn't very long at all because some of the things are essentially the same or interconnected.

Bottom line which incorporates most of what everyone has been saying and much more.

He will possess a strong character and behave with honesty and integrity, towards others and himself, in all areas of his life, not just dating and relationships.

He will value himself and respect himself, and others.

When a man lacks these essential qualities, I mean let’s face it the deal-breaker list can literally be never-ending!

Including much of what's been mentioned and lots more!

None of your dealbreakers look unreasonable, but half of them are incredibly subjective. For example, my idea of a "fussy eater" is someone who moans about my food choices, but so long as I can happily eat what I like and they can, at the very least, respect that, I couldn't care less if someone were a vegetarian or one of those weird fruits + legumes only people. Others legit can't understand and can't cope with the fact someone else might not appreciate big, greasy burgers. I mean I guess that's good and well, but you gotta round that out.

"Untidy" is another big one. Greasy pans sitting out in the open, or really just exposed food in general... yeah, that's something I generally don't do. Not so much because the sight appalls me, but because I don't kill mice and non-lethal traps generally suck, so I'd rather not deal with permanent mini-roommates. Tripping over poorly placed heels, while annoying, wouldn't itself e a dealbreaker. My lady's office looks like a couple dozen Boeing 747s collided, but that's her space for her to do her. So long as nothing's attracting unwanted critters, it's out of sight, out of mind for me.

"Irresponsible" may be the biggest one, as too often it boils down less to what an adult more objectively shouldn't do and more often what an adult does that their partner doesn't like. Not knowing you, I'm of course not saying you're the case I'd be referencing there, but just to mention it.

Perhaps to avoid you having to write out extremely lengthy lists for you but to allow you to give us a less ambiguous idea, maybe you could write down some notable dealbreakers you've experienced recently?