Confused, trying to get my ex girlfriend back

My girlfriend and I of more than two years whom I lived with recently left me. Here’s some back story, I lost both my parents at a young age so I am very emotionally blocked off, during the last eight months of our relationship I slipped into a bad faze of binge drinking amongst other habits bro nurse a depression I fell into. During that time I was incredibly neglectful and seldom went to bed with her and our physical relationship plummeted. We have a couple of discussions over the course of those eight months but few and far between, we had a poor line of communication and I’m not the most open person when talking about my feelings so when she voiced her concerns it fell on dead ears. We have broken up before but it has never lasted longer than a week at most. This last breakup she sat me down and said this isn’t working and I replied with silence, so she left that night even though she was dying for me to stop her but I watched her walk out the door. Over the course of the next two weeks she would message me asking if I would like to talk or if she could come by to get some of her things. I pridefully turned down the discussions citing you’ve already made up your mind what is there to talk about. On the third week it finally hit me like a freight train, she is really the best woman in the world and for two years she loved me and I would reciprocate here and there but I am very guarded. So I then asked for her to come home and let’s work on things, since she has moved out I’ve stopped all damaging habits and returned to the gym etc... so I wrote her a heartfelt letter, this breakup stirred something inside of me and the walls around my heart have crumbled and I am now wearing my heart on my sleeve. The letter was overwhelming for her and she needed the weekend to think about things. On the Monday we made plans for dinner and exchanged I miss you’s and I love you’s. The following day we went for dinner we had an intense discussion and she says she can no longer take my promises for face value. We ended up kissing a bit holding hands as I walked her to a taxi and I am still pleading my case asking her to work on things and then she asked me for space. We parted ways, I was obviously crushed. Two days later she writes me late at night saying why now have I just realized she’s the one, I didn’t just realize it now and we’ve talked about marriage many times but I was not very affectionate. So I responded and we went back and forth and then the following day she said something in her gut is telling her that getting back together is not a good idea and that she’s listening to her head over her heart and now when I say I love you she does not reciprocate. She says it doesn’t trump the rest and she doesn’t want to confuse the fact that what she’s doing moving back to her parents she has absolutely no doubt its the right thing for her right now. We have exchanged messages for the last week and half and some are angry some are civil but she doesn’t believe I can change. This woman has opened my heart up now and I am expressing every single sentiment but she takes my brash sense of certainty that we will fix things this time with a negative feeling. I’ve laid out a plan, routine, daily discussions and how I really want to make it work and she’s resisting. She said she loves me and misses me 9 days ago and now is acting very distant. I pretty much begged for another chance and that we can work things out and she said right now she isn’t interested, she said I am the greatest love of her life and she’s terrified she will lose forever but her gut is telling her to stay the course. Her last message read “sending you love” rather than I love you. I’m heartbroken and want to make it work and for her to come home. We have been broken up for a total of 5 weeks, more than half her belongings and furniture are still at my apartment (she moved in to my home) the 3rd week she requested to come get all her things frequently and cake for about half her clothing, but since hasn’t even mentioned it. Is she playing hard to get? I told her I would fight for us and she said I only care because I see her slipping away. So most of her things are still here and she hasn’t asked to come for them, is she giving me tough love and making me sweat it out?

OP, while you can, try to edit your post into reader-friendly paragraphs. You'll get far more reads and responses that way.

If you can't edit, copy and past your message into a new post and break it up a bit.

Have you attended counseling for any of your issues? I do not see how you can have a relationship with anyone, until you deal with yourself. And, not a couple of months., these are deep-rooted problems.

The fact that she has not got her stuff back yet tells me that maybe she sees herself going back to you at some point. I think that only you can make that happen. She is wary to trust you because you have let her down. The fact you have stopped your destructive behaviour is very positive for you and you need to keep it up. When she sees that you are serious about the changes she will reconsider but 5 weeks is not that long. I would give her some space and yourself too so you can continue what your doing.

Five weeks is nothing.