My sister drives me crazy

Hi,

So I don't know how to get started because I understand that what is happening is my fault, since I got myself in this situation.

A little background story...I lived at home when I went to school up to my graduate degree while working a part time job and contributing to my parents to the best of my ability. When I graduated, my dad decided to retire and basically told me his monthly income would not be enough to make a living. I spoke to my 3 sisters (who are all married) and none of them stepped in to help. I was initially paying rent at my parents' apartment but eventually decided to purchase a home since I hated the apartment we were living in and I invited my parents to move in with me for the sake of my mother (And yes, I have daddy issues). It was not a problem for 2 years until now.

One of my sisters recently changed her job and somehow that triggered a big change as she is ALWAYS here. She calls my mom 3 times a day for more than an hour and she comes every day (Monday through Saturday) after work for over 2 1/2 hours at the time I also get home from work. My family and I go to church on Sundays and we eat together after that. Before she changed her job, she and her husband went home right after we ate together but now she comes to mine and stays here for over 5 hours.

My mom knows I hate it and she feels guilty for my sister's lack of boundaries as she believes she just wants to spend time with her. She also doesn't want me to tell my sister anything because she is afraid she will stop talking to me or stop coming altogether.

I have tried talking to my sister, told her I need space, that there's days I want to relax and not have visitors but she doesn't seem to get it as she disregards me and continues to come. Heck, even when I tell her I won't be home she offers to come with me.

I thought maybe her marriage isn't going well or something else is wrong...so I asked her about that too and she denies there's anything wrong and that she just wants to spend time with the family.

I can't be rude with her and I always have to be careful about how I word what I tell her because she throws fits and cries when someone is blunt. Then she goes M.I.A. and all of a sudden everyone tells me I'm the bad person for "hurting her feelings."

I don't know what to do. I want my mom to have guests as it is also her home and I love my sister but I feel angry and annoyed every time I see her or hear her voice now. I can't even enjoy my own home.

Am I just being an inpatient jerk? Any advice?

Wow. It must be hard to deal with such a sensitive and unaware person.

Can you have your mom go hang out with her at her house? Or anywhere else?

From the outside from what you are writing it seems yes your sister is not respecting your boundaries when you have stated that you need space and she is basically intruding on your home after you tell her you need space - BUT there seems to be something deeper going on. She is reaching out to your mother almost in a form of disparity and panic. she is searching for comfort from close family and is finding some sort of relief from being in your environment versus her own home. There is something wrong. She is searching for help without asking for it. I am not sure on your relationship with your sister outside of this new issue but maybe it's a good idea to sit down with both your mom and your sister and talk. Speak your mind as to what you need and ask her the same. Does she want to confide in you and if not, and only wants to talk with your mom then she needs to respect your home too by not intruding because you need your space and privacy too. But like I said, it appears there is more going on and I would ask in front of both of them how you can help if you can and that you want to be there for her too (if you want to be). But that you need YOUR home respected if you don't want visitors every day.

Sounds like everyone takes advantage of you. How old are your parents? I can't imagine they are that old since you just graduated. Are they able-bodied people still able to work? Why aren't they financially stable and need their daughter to house them?

I would probably welcome the sister going M.I.A. since she doesn't respect your personal time and space. They are sticking up for her instead of supporting you.

You need to get a backbone. Live the way you want to live. It's your house. Set the rules. If people start arguing with you or criticizing you about it, walk away and don't partake in the conversation or ask them to leave the room or your house or hang up the phone. If your sister can't handle reasonable rules, that's on her. I highly doubt she'd stay gone for too long since she's overly attached to your mother.

There are many articles and book on learning to set boundaries with family and friends. Read them.

And I know that elderly people sometimes need to live with their grown children when they can't physically take care of themselves or suffer from dementia or Alzheimers, but if your father retired far earlier than he should have, then you've been taken advantage of and should consider making some changes to rectify that issue.

What is the situation with your mom that you had them move in 'for the sake of your mother'? Is your mom ill ?

What is your long term plan as far as your parents - do you plan to support them long term?

It seems a sticky mess with no quick fix because there is so much enmeshment and lack of defined boundaries through the family. The long term solution would be less enmeshment and more boundaries, but it's figuring out your goals and plan .

And what did you mean by you have daddy issues?

I've suggested that but sometimes my sister is here before I get home and even when they go out and she brings my mom home she still stays afterward.