Did the Psychologist get this wrong??

Me and my boyfriend have been together 8 years. We have not married or had kids yet which is more because of me in the sense I don't feel ready. He would love to do both but I don't feel secure about doing this yet because of our relationship issues. For the most part we are great together and are like best friends. But there are things that cause a lot of disruption and stagnation in our relationship that has caused us to seek help from a couples psychologist. We have been going to the psychologist for two months and the first day something struck me strange that the psychologist said but because everything else was on point we ignored it... until this week. The comment that was made back then was something to the effect of .... "if you say ANYTHING to a man about how he does something-- even if he's wrong it's insulting and not socially acceptable for you do that- and you can't be direct- you must be indirect and praise him for what he is doing right". Now I understand that when there are disagreements or conflict you don't attack... that is obvious... and I made it clear that I always try to communicate with complete respect and concern for his feelings in the way I say things. So as we have been going to our visits it has been discussed from both our sides the following issues.

His:

Comes from severe childhood abuse and neglect

has addiction issues- flip flops between types of addictions and usage

regresses to child like emotional intelligence out of the blue and especially when faced with conflict

self esteem and self image issues

very selfish at times

explosive anger at times

road rage at times

financial issues and personal growth

depression and anxiety

paranoia

Me:

also had childhood abuse and neglect

sexual disfunction

self shaming from medical problems and past issues

self image issues/ self esteem

Severe depression and anxiety

state of indecision because of feeling insecure about relationship and career

Im sure there is more to both but basically this week in the middle of a session me and my boyfriend were half arguing in front of the psychologist because I brought up the road rage issue. A few days before our session my boyfriend was driving with me, some of my family and some of his family and drove aggressively. If someone would cut him off on the road or he wanted to shift into a lane, he would push himself forward even if someone got dangerously close and instead of driving defensively it would be super offensively and everyone told him to stop. He was angry and denying that he was driving that way.. and it has happened countless times before. When bringing this up to the psychologist that I felt scared in the car and that I feel it's all part of other things he is dealing with, like depression or anger- she got visibly upset by all this and just said that "why don't we both just break up and we don't need her for that... because we both just keep criticizing each other and just care what each of us want individually that we are not acting like a couple" so I said that I don't feel like I am criticizing him because it's not him but bringing up a behavior that is worrying me. She said that his driving IS part of his personality and that I criticize- that no marriage that lasts people should criticize, complain, bring up anything to do with how the other person is... and you learn to keep things that bother you to yourself. I was shocked by this and said it does not make any sense that a couple in order to be happy can't ever say they don't like something or disagree with something because of the chance it would hurt the other persons ego... that I felt unsafe and that the cause of many of our issues is unresolved emotional problems....But she said that my choice in that situation is either choose to be in the car with a partner I chose that drives that way or I drive in my own car and that if we can't stop complaining then we should never be married.

My boyfriend and I both know that our relationship issues stem more from our scars from our past and it affects the dynamics of each other when our brains go on autopilot. But I was super distressed after that session that basically told me and him that we can't express our needs in the moment we feel the other person is doing something to cause an issue... or that it stems from something deeper and not explore that. I feel like finding a new therapist now :-( We really need help individually and as a couple and we just can't find anyone right for us. We thought it was this psych but after that - I can't see going back.

Find another counselor. Is this religious based? She is awful!

You are so unhealthy together. DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS MAN!!!! I do agree with ending the relationship. You should also find a counselor for your own issues. Your bf is very unstable,

Hi Hollyj - the sessions are not religious based at all. I know that we both have issues to work out... and it reads worse when typed out here than it really is because there are a lot of good things too. But I know that what is toxic is bad and we both have said we want to be happier and heal- but not lose each other in the process. It's tough :-(

You were advised five years ago to run from this dangerous and disastrous relationship, yet you stayed. The problems have not improved, but gotten worse. He will not change. He needs many years of intense therapy.

GET OUT!!!!

Two items on that list would be enough for most to leave. I also read your history. Your relationship is disturbing.

You are full of excuses. You need to get out of this!!!

"if you say ANYTHING to a man about how he does something-- even if he's wrong it's insulting and not socially acceptable for you do that- and you can't be direct- you must be indirect and praise him for what he is doing right".

Does she believe that this applies equally to him about you?

If not, I'd find another counselor.

Seriously... Get another counselor. She sounds like she's from old school bible school or she's a Stepford wife. Counselors are not suppose to say "why don't you two just break up" for goodness sakes and they are definitely not suppose to tell you to take sh** gladly from your partner.

I'd report her to her governing board.

Seriously... Get another counselor. She sounds like she's from old school bible school or she's a Stepford wife. Counselors are not suppose to say "why don't you two just break up" for goodness sakes.

Read her history, And, that list is scary.

In spite of the list I still say: and they are definitely not suppose to tell you to take sh** gladly from your partner.

I'd report her to her governing board.

Frankly neither of them are in any position to be trying to form a healthy relationship particularly if they are not seeing a psychiatrist but they are trying and that couples counselor is vile.

Driving dangerously when angry with people in the car is a form of emotional abuse. Your councilor is scary unqualified. Maybe stuffing down annoyances around a partner can help a long term functioning relationship..? i guess..? but he is acting aggressively and destructively.

Also trained councilors shouldn't be getting physically upset looking while you are talking to them... who the f trained this lady.

Find someone else. Yikes!

In spite of the list I still say: and they are definitely not suppose to tell you to take sh** gladly from your partner.

 

I'd report her to her governing board.

 

Frankly neither of them are in any position to be trying to form a healthy relationship particularly if they are not seeing a psychiatrist but they are trying and that couples counselor is vile.

We are trying really. It's hard when you come from messed up beginnings to not constantly blame yourself. We both have emotional baggage but we are both trying. And most people have something to work on but why be alone in the process if we both understand each other and love each other but knowing there are problems. There is no cheating or physical abuse in the relationship... but I know that some of these things are serious that can get worse if not addressed. We both have admitted we want better. I am more further along because I have insurance and have seeked out therapy for myself for a while. But he is trying too and opens up. I dunno

Driving dangerously when angry with people in the car is a form of emotional abuse. Your councilor is scary unqualified. Maybe stuffing down annoyances around a partner can help a long term functioning relationship..? i guess..? but he is acting aggressively and destructively.

 

Also trained councilors shouldn't be getting physically upset looking while you are talking to them... who the f trained this lady.

 

Find someone else. Yikes!

That was what I was trying to convey too to the psychologist... it's not small annoyances we talk about... these are completely something else.

We are trying really. It's hard when you come from messed up beginnings to not constantly blame yourself. We both have emotional baggage but we are both trying. And most people have something to work on but why be alone in the process if we both understand each other and love each other but knowing there are problems. There is no cheating or physical abuse in the relationship... but I know that some of these things are serious that can get worse if not addressed. We both have admitted we want better. I am more further along because I have insurance and have seeked out therapy for myself for a while. But he is trying too and opens up. I dunno

Start tomorrow by finding a new psychologist and firing your current one because she is shoving her 1940's, anti equal rights views on you with the dogma that basically suggests you shut up and put up and she's feeding your b/f enabling dialogue which will give him license to continue being a dangerous and irresponsible arse.

What does she expect you to say to him when he's driving like a maniac "Oh dear, good job on avoiding that lamp post." O.o

Start tomorrow by finding a new psychologist and firing your current one because she is shoving her 1940's, anti equal rights views on you with the dogma that basically suggests you shut up and put up and she's feeding your b/f enabling dialogue which will give him license to continue being a dangerous and irresponsible arse.

 

What does she expect you to say to him when he's driving like a maniac "Oh dear, good job on avoiding that lamp post." O.o

Yeah that made me laugh. lol

will be searching for a new one for sure. So funny that she uses the Gottman method and describes the 4 major things that ruin relationships but then gets it all wrong. Gottman does not say you should never complain about a behavior that needs to be addressed...just says to not criticize the person. I felt so bad after that session and disheartened because I thought me and him finally found a good one ;-/

Yeah that made me laugh. lol

will be searching for a new one for sure. So funny that she uses the Gottman method and describes the 4 major things that ruin relationships but then gets it all wrong. Gottman does not say you should never complain about a behavior that needs to be addressed...just says to not criticize the person. I felt so bad after that session and disheartened because I thought me and him finally found a good one ;-/

WHoah she says this is Gottman? Nope. Wrong. Not at all.

Get out of there... and maybe report her. She's terrible. And shouldn't be saying she is using Gottman style relationship therapy.

Yeah that made me laugh. lol

will be searching for a new one for sure. So funny that she uses the Gottman method and describes the 4 major things that ruin relationships but then gets it all wrong. Gottman does not say you should never complain about a behavior that needs to be addressed...just says to not criticize the person. I felt so bad after that session and disheartened because I thought me and him finally found a good one ;-/

Good move. Don't let her wreck havoc with your psyche and moment longer. And yes, report her so she doesn't screw with some other poor woman's head space. pffft.

Lol she said the way he drives is a part of who he is?? Um no. My therapist doesn't even tell you that depression is a part of who you are. It's something I am experiencing and can choose to make changes to get better. This person is not a good therapist.

Your therapist doesn't know what the fresh heck she is talking about. Get rid.

That is one horrible counselor. I can't even fathom how she think's this is good advice. I hope you don't go back.