Is he just telling me what I want to hear?

I've posted on here a few times regarding my relationship. I finally built up the courage to break up with him. It's now been 5 weeks, yet due to our location and work, we are still living in the same house (until January when I move out upon my return from visit home for xmas in another state) - I have moved into the spare room downstairs and pretty much do my own thing.

I told him well at the beginning of the break, for me to consider giving him another chance (I've given dozens before...) that I'd like him to see a counsellor/come to a counsellor with me so that we can work on how to better communicate and understand one another, as I felt like there were important aspects of the relationship that I wasn't receiving from him, we'd always talk about it, and he'd always promise he would put more effort in which he did for a week or 3, then back to normal..

 

During the 5 weeks, he has done nothing, except words really. He's asked me if I want to watch a movie with him or something similar (which I said no thanks to), and he's said to me atleast a dozen times "I want you back, I want to make everything better and it will be much better from now on", but despite my efforts and talks with him about my expectations regarding him/us seeing a counsellor...he said he doesn't want to because he reckons he already knows what a counsellor would say and he already knows how to fix things.

 

I also told him last weekend (during one of our many talks) that I am looking to find someone I'd like to marry one day and start a family with....2 days later he suddenly wants to marry me in the near future and have a baby (not that he didn't want to have kids before, but he'd never want to speak about it like it was anytime soon).

 

I'm just finding it very hard to know whether or not to give him another shot. I have one leg in this situation, and one leg out already, I've done alot of my grieving, not all, but alot.

Every single time in the past he has said he will make some changes and put more effort in (he admits to being lazy and too comfy when it comes to me and it became stagnant, my efforts were ignored or dismissed usually), it never has lasted. He is a naturally selfish person and even he admits that.

 

I just don't know what to do at this point....

I think it would be foolish. How many times does he have to show you, that he is not reliable and not what you are looking for. Does it take 50 times? Perhaps, 100???

 

He has clearly shown you who he is, yet you are still trying to change him. What do you get from all of this drama?

 

He doesn't even want to go to a counselor. he said the marriage thing to string you along.

Move out in January and tell him "Once burnt, twice shy." You can also tell him that if/when he gets himself into personal therapy that will help him to change instead of just giving it lip service, you will reconsider getting back with him when he graduates said therapy.

 

In the meantime go zero contact after you move out and don't hold onto hope that he'll go to therapy.

"I've been with my partner for 2 and a bit years. He likes a drink socially, we both do if we're chillen with friends or having a night out with a group and so on, the usual. When he gets to a certain point he completely changes, he is angry, wants to fight someone and there is almost no calming him down. He's just so messy, falling all over the place etc. He isn't violent with me, one night he pushed me out of the way though when I was trying to stop him from revving the hell out of his harley bike at 2am in our back yard. I fell into the shelves in the shed and had a big bruise on my arm the next day. That was a year ago.

2 weekends ago, he got really drink at an Oktoberfest event we went to in town, the rest of us wanted to go home (it was about 1:30am at this point) - so at a red light in the taxi he jumped out to go to a bar close by and said 'F$%* yas all' and slammed the door. When he got home he was falling all over the place and just making a mess of himself and swearing etc. I told him once and for all no more drinking as I can't handle him in that state and he's not a good person to be around. I'm only little and I don't like it. Not that I think he'd hurt me again, but I just don't know what he is capable of when he is in that state, especially considering he is alot bigger than me.

I was almost ready to leave that next day, but yet again, he made me a promise that he wouldn't drink again and that he'd stick to his word.

Saturday night just gone (2 nights ago) I went out for a girls night to see a band at our local pub and had a great time. I was drinking, and got a taxi home at about 2am. When I got home there was music on, and he had mates over and he was pretty dam drunk. I felt so disappointed and hurt that he'd broken a promise, but at the same time I wasn't suprised.

He thinks Im overreacting because he was 'drinking at home' and 'didn't make an idiot of himself' - but it's the fact that he broke a promise to me about drinking.

I know I was out drinking, but I'm a very well behaved drunk and that wasn't our promise. I invited him to come with us but said we would be having a few drinks, but he declined because he said he didn't want to drink and I was glad to hear him say that. But then I come home to this....

He can't even keep a promise to me."

 

You would expose your kids to this?

No I wouldn't.

"'ve been with my partner just over 2 years, living together and all that. We're both 27. From the beginning he's never been romantic, and has always been very slack in putting in effort in that department and even admits to not showing me much respect and taking me for granted (I know some guys just arent romantic, but I'm talking like....verrrrry minimal amount of emotional intimacy). However, he is very good at begging and being sweet and and all that when im ready to walk out, and he makes promise after promise that he will put in more effort, we've been through that talk multiple times. The talks are also about shocking drunk behaviour. Ive had to call the cops on him once because he wouldnt calm down and he pushed me over, was throwing things. Just last weekend he was very drunk and i was trying to get him to come home with me and he said 'f*** yas all' and slammed taxi door in my face. He's since promised (again) to not drink anymore because he cant handle it. Ive been through this so many times with him, the promises, the let downs. He really is a good person, very funny, we laugh alot, but there's just things missing. I've been so open with him about this so he knows it all, but he just doesnt put in any effort, i know he may not know what to do sometimes, but ive even given examples of things that would mean a lot to me (like pick me an old flower from the garden, or put effort in before sex and not just ask if im h*rny)....but he doesnt even do them.

 

Then why are you questioning this situation?

 

"(lying, angry drunk occasions, selfishness etc)"

 

Yet, another quote.

Because he is a broken man because I've left and has said he is finally realising he needs to change and wants it more than anything.

He has told you same, many times before. He does not respect you, or the relationship. And, from what you said, it has never been good and supportive. "From the beginning he's never been romantic, and has always been very slack in putting in effort in that department and even admits to not showing me much respect and taking me for granted (I know some guys just arent romantic, but I'm talking like....verrrrry minimal amount of emotional intimacy). However, he is very good at begging and being sweet and and all that when I'm ready to walk out, and he makes promise after promise that he will put in more effort, we've been through that talk multiple times."

 

Why are YOU with someone who needs to change????? This is who he is. Is it going to take a 100 times for it to sink in?

 

You need ti address why you continue to put yourself in this situation. Get off of the hamster wheel. At this point you have no one to blame but yourself. You are highly attracted to drama.

Because he is a broken man because I've left and has said he is finally realising he needs to change and wants it more than anything.

Its too late. Move out and if he can show you then that he's willing to work with a professional to change his awful way of relating then and only then should you give him another chance. If he was capable of making change on his own, he would have done it by now.

Thank you for your advice, I appreciate it.

I despise drama, I would love nothing more than for things to have worked out with this person, but unfortunately we are very different in some areas of fundamental relationship matters. I post on here to not only get advice and point of view from others, but to also gain some validation in my decisions and thoughts regarding the relationship.

I am not attracted to drama at all, I have been through too much of it with him. I love him, that is the only issue for the moment.

Time to love yourself.

 

I strongly suggest that you get counseling. You should have been done with this guy. early on.

I love him, that is the only issue for the moment.

 

Love isn't enough. Get out. Give it a year. I bet you won't want to go back. You need to get some space from this to even start to see it.

 

And good for you for ending it! Stick with it!

Thank you to everyone that has responded. I am literally breaking down at the moment writing this. I do love him and I already miss him, even though I've seen him every evening after work because of the living situation. The only thing keeping me sticking to my decision of not being back with him is knowing how it has gone in the past, and I don't want to be in a stagnant relationship where I feel like I am not worth him putting in the effort to keep the love alive and to grow with him.

Thank you to everyone that has responded. I am literally breaking down at the moment writing this. I do love him and I already miss him, even though I've seen him every evening after work because of the living situation. The only thing keeping me sticking to my decision of not being back with him is knowing how it has gone in the past, and I don't want to be in a stagnant relationship where I feel like I am not worth him putting in the effort to keep the love alive and to grow with him.

 

Good!

 

Don't forget, he is also a violent addict.

Thank you to everyone that has responded. I am literally breaking down at the moment writing this. I do love him and I already miss him, even though I've seen him every evening after work because of the living situation. The only thing keeping me sticking to my decision of not being back with him is knowing how it has gone in the past, and I don't want to be in a stagnant relationship where I feel like I am not worth him putting in the effort to keep the love alive and to grow with him.

You're doing the right thing because staying with him when he won't go to a professional to help him to maintain any positive changes he makes is just enabling him not to have to do the hard work.

 

Post when you need to if its going to help you to stay strong.

Thanks very much.

 

After me bringing up his lack of willingness to go to a counsellor for the 5th time of me mentioning it, he now wants to go. But I have no doubt in my mind that he hasn't organised anything nor will. He said he wanted to get into somewhere this weekend...but I guess I will see if he has booked anything..

Thanks very much.

 

After me bringing up his lack of willingness to go to a counsellor for the 5th time of me mentioning it, he now wants to go. But I have no doubt in my mind that he hasn't organised anything nor will. He said he wanted to get into somewhere this weekend...but I guess I will see if he has booked anything..

That's fine. You can still leave and when he graduates therapy with a good sense of what it takes to be a good partner to someone then tell him to give you a call then and if you're still single you'll consider a do over. Don't tell him this until you've left and he's actually in therapy because he may just forgo it if he thinks its not influencing you to stay with him. He has to hit is rock bottom before he gets help and you staying and listening to his lip service without action to back them up as the truth isn't allowing him to hit that bottom.

I read some of your past posts. Your bf can't change. He doesn't know how to change. He doesn't want to change. It's time to move on.

He has to want to do this for himself, because he wants to change. This should not be about you.

 

He needs years worth of therapy for multiple issues. Move on with your life. The majority of your relationship sounds miserable and lonely. Why did you chose this?

Based on your previous threads, you have some serious inner work to do too, OP.

 

Not because you incite drama, but because you keep going back to it. You don't have strong boundaries, and your boyfriend knows this. He takes advantage of it.

 

It's time to move on. As someone else mentioned, love isn't enough when it's this one-sided. You can't love him into changing when he doesn't love you enough to actually make those positive changes.