How to battle relationship insecurity’s and other fears?

Overtime, from experiences with my wife and even past relationships I’ve slowly built pre and post situation and overall relationship insecurity’s and fears that no matter if nothing’s wrong. They plague the back of my mind...

I’d love to find constructive ways to rewire my brain from how I see and feel about relationships with my marriage or family/friends.....

I’ve tried to work on these issues I have however, the more I do those fears come to reality almost everytime.

Example: I never thought twice about my wife losing interest in me and starting to seek someone else. Now, that it’s done. No matter how great things get I always have that fear and insecurity that it would happen again. So it tends to play a part in both our daily life’s. To the point if she’s genuinely trying I don’t see that. It comes off as a front and I bring up the past or assume.

I never cared that my wife text or hang around other men. Now if I find out she is regardless if they just exchanged a funny cat video or whatever. In my mind, I lose it and feel the need to stomp it out before it goes to far.

Or I’m scared to fully open up and love someone because I’ve been left or rejected so much in life that I’ve become almost like a nomad. This right here is what planted the seed in the start of my relationship and marriage that no matter how much this women “loves me” she’ll lose it and move on. 7 years of marriage and it started to happen. So, when I want to be rid of that fear... someone in my life does it to reinforce that way of thinking.

What are things I need or can do to over come these insecurity’s and fears. I want to get to a point where if it does.... it able to stand strong and move on myself or not let previous events even to do with that person. Dictate how I see or treat them in the future.

How much do you depend on your partner for all your needs? Meaning do you have a solid social life of your own? Do you pursue your own hobbies and interests? Or do you center yourself and who you are completely around her and totally depend on her to be your everything?

The other issue is, you can't trust a partner who is essentially cheating on you and isn't willing to do what it takes to patch things up with you. The partner who strayed is the one who has to work hard to rebuild trust that they destroyed. If they aren't willing to do that, you really don't have many options but to either walk away or learn how to turn a blind eye to everything. If you want to make your marriage work, you may both have to seek marital counseling.

Relationship insecurity comes about as the result of a fear of loss. The reality is that partners can leave at any time and there is no guarentee they will not stray/ stay.

Focussing on the positives and building a strong life for yourself is all you can do. Aim to love your partner with enough respect that they feel free.

Beyond that, you need to understand that your issues are insecurities you need to work on and your partner should not be made to suffer as a result of that.

You hit the nail on the head. I do depend on her for everything in the sense anything to do socially she leaves me out of it. Float trips with people that I introduced her to in the start of the relationship. To her going out for drinks with all her coworkers at least 1-2 times every weekend. It’s a little hard to say screw it im going out while she is as we have a 3 year old.

On the start of our relationship she use to belittle me or even today use “well you never wanted to spend time with me so why now as she leaves to go with friends. I look back at how guilty she made me feel for having friends. However, I reflected on that time frame. She may not have been there for everything but I did include her in just about everything. She was always dependent on me to fill her void like I am now with her. I played the first 5 years out in my head and we did almost everything together and I stopped talking to most of my friends and going to do stuff to the point. No one invit s me out anymore.

Then she got her job at the bar and now that I did what she wanted. She made friends and never looked back! She has a flourishing social life. With the way out schedules are and our son. I never really get the opportunity to go out with friends. It maybe in my head but it’s like over the course of our relationship she molded and twisted both our lives into exactly how she wanted it. Just how it is now.

Sure I could be a man and say I’m not doing this anymore. However, in real time it was either smoothed over with her telling me it was temperory till we got caught on bills or when she goes out that it’s for a drink after working her butt off(which she does). I’m not trying to blame her for why my life and my mind is like this. However, in the moment of the entire relationship from being guilt tripped in then giving in and cutting out my friends and social life to then have her get a job. As I finally gave her everything she had wanted and made clear. Me to show her love, spend time, our child, her going to school and the whole package. She flips it on me and now I’m dependent on her, she’s more private with everything and there’s not much I’m not really allowed to know. Friends, who she talks to, with her schedule at work she could get out at 9 or midnight. Then I think about it. She knows my daily routine to a T, knows what and where I am every second of the day because I wasn’t being “open and honest”. I was always hiding things.

I have hobbies, but given the situation I usually always have our son or never can fully get into the hobby. I’m always worrying about what she’s doing or going to go do at night, about us and why she finally got it all and wants nothing to do with it.

I’m just trying to break free of all that and truly only worry about myself and son. Just can’t find a way to accomplish it.

Read your above post back to yourself. She did this and that. Harsh truth is that she didn't do anything to you.

You both have changed as people. She has become more confident and social, you've become less social and kind of a doormat. Can you turn that around? Yes. It will mean getting your spine back. Rebuilding your social life. I understand that you have a child now, so things are different, BUT there are parent social groups too. Play dates for kids. Having a child does not mean social isolation and sitting home alone.

Also, she is a parent too. How on earth is she just heading out the door to do things while you sit behind all the time? Things need to be more equitable and that involves you putting your foot down and learning how to say no and demanding more responsibility from her as a mother and a wife. This isn't about you heading out at the same time that she does. This is about her putting in time and effort into her marriage and family. Something she isn't doing at the moment.

That said, if she doesn't want to be a parent and is off living like a single woman, coming and going as she pleases, getting involved with other men, etc. Then perhaps the best solution here is to give her all the freedom she wants and divorcing her. While you can do things for yourself to become better, you can't fix her or make her be someone she doesn't want to be.

I will agree after that perspective.

I made all the choices and I can’t blame her for it. However, after years of being bashed and belittled about spending more time With friends.... it sure didn’t help. It’s my fault, but I thought I was doing the right thing as a husband to keep her happy in the marriage. So to see her almost shortly after she had all of me flip it on end to where she has no time for me. I have and still am bitter and angry about that. However, it was my choice and not hers. So I really have no reason to be bitter and angry.

I will agree after that perspective.

 

I made all the choices and I can’t blame her for it. However, after years of being bashed and belittled about spending more time With friends.... it sure didn’t help. It’s my fault, but I thought I was doing the right thing as a husband to keep her happy in the marriage. So to see her almost shortly after she had all of me flip it on end to where she has no time for me. I have and still am bitter and angry about that. However, it was my choice and not hers. So I really have no reason to be bitter and angry.

Marriage and relationships in general are all about compromise by BOTH people and finding a balance that keeps BOTH people happy. It's a give and take on both sides. Your mistake was to sacrifice your own happiness and well being completely in order to make her happy. So there is no balance there. So can you both work on creating balance in your marriage? Is she willing? Being how much you've spoiled her over the years, I'd guess that she is likely to put up a fight and refuse at first..... You might need to seek out marital counseling if you are both willing to at least try to do the work necessary into turning this marriage around.

Marriage and relationships in general are all about compromise by BOTH people and finding a balance that keeps BOTH people happy. It's a give and take on both sides. Your mistake was to sacrifice your own happiness and well being completely in order to make her happy. So there is no balance there. So can you both work on creating balance in your marriage? Is she willing? Being how much you've spoiled her over the years, I'd guess that she is likely to put up a fight and refuse at first..... You might need to seek out marital counseling if you are both willing to at least try to do the work necessary into turning this marriage around.

I’ll try, I can never get her to talk or open up. The only things she has to say even after her choosing to have everything is “i make it hard for her to want it”. How do I stand my ground without coming off controlling or a fight? If she ends up “mind if I go have a drink after work(turns into 2am everytime every weekend) how do I say no? Do I say no not until we have worked on things? I’ve told her no before and she just went anyways. As in why bother asking... how many times do I get shunned or rejected.

There is no comprising as of now, do I decided well, she’s always out at least 1-2 times a week. Time for me to do the same every week? How does that get her to make time for us. I see that as now I have no right to say anything. As far back as I can remember. Because she so use to going out to the bar on those days. If I go out she almost as a IOU on me so that means she gets a 3rd time to go out. She has a rhym/reason/excuse for it all.

I know the only thing I should be concerned about is myself. I should only focus on me and my faults..... but to just let go to do that and watch her drift farther away because that’s her choice that she’s always chooses. It causes me to grab back on tighter mentally

I think your marriage is over, I see too many problems. Im sorry to tell you this. If you cant simply communicate then what else is out there for you? How did you guys end up getting married in the first place did you fall in love? Whats the story of you two?