Too soon for "I love you"?

I've been dating this guy since October, and he's told me he loves me twice. The first time he was stone drunk, so I laughed it off. He called me, and at the end of our call he told me he loved me then hung up. He immediately texted me saying he was sorry, he's an idiot, hopes I'm not angry, and hopes that I'm not going to leave him now. I told him I thought he was super cute and sweet and I wasn't angry.

He calls me wasted approximately once every week, and when he does he's super emotional and tells me all of his feelings. I'm not sure if they're true or not, but he is also really nice sober. He sends me flowers, and random gifts, he calls me beautiful like it's my name. He's smart, funny, successful, educated, fun, he has nice friends, and he's really an awesome guy.

Last night he called me sober (I think/hope) and told me he loved me again, and then hung up. He texted back saying how stupid he was, if I was angry, and how it just slipped out etc. I told him I'd be angry if he called me a nasty name or outwardly disrespected me. That I thought he was sweet, and I promised not to ever tell him anything I was unsure about. But that I was happy I met him and he's the only person I want to be with.

I don't know what to do about this. We agreed to spend our first night together this weekend, and I'm actually excited about it! He's such a nice and decent guy, I just don't know what to say when he says he loves me or if he's sober or if he means it.

Tell him: "I'm not angry you told me you love me, I'm upset you keep drunk-calling me. Please talk to me when you are sober." Be firm.

The amount 'drunk' and 'wasted' are used in this post is more alarming than premature I love yous.

The first time he was stone drunk,

He calls me wasted approximately once every week,

Last night he called me sober ( I think/hope) and told me he loved me again, and then hung up.

Tell him: "I'm not angry you told me you love me, I'm upset you keep drunk-calling me. Please talk to me when you are sober." Be firm.

 

The amount 'drunk' and 'wasted' are used in this post is more alarming than premature I love yous.

Thank you for responding. I guess I feel like the drunken calls and texts are my fault. When we first started dating, he told me jokingly "Please don't get mad if I randomly call u wasted after a crazy night". I thought he was kidding or that me meant after a stag party or something, not every weekend.

I feel like I already told him I condoned it and how do I backtrack. The drinking is the ONLY thing about him that bothers me. His best friends get wasted and act so stupid, he drinks with his family too. He'll have an average of 4 beers during our hour and a half long dates. I've never actually seen him wasted though, only on the phone.

How do we have this conversation?

Easy: "You sound drunk, I'm getting off the phone now".

How do we have this conversation?

lol.....there are all kinds of drunks, some are the "I love you" kind in that they suddenly loooooove everyone.

That said, I'm going to echo Wiseman here that unless you guys are still in college, getting wasted at least once a week and drunk dialing you is a bigger concern than anything he says.

The other concern is that if he is sober and sending you these super insecure texts about hoping you aren't angry, etc, etc, etc..... is another cause for concern. Insecurities can be quite challenging to deal with and lead to a whole lot of problems in relationships.

I think you need to take a really good look at his drinking issues and actually have a firm and serious conversation with him face to face about all this texting and where you stand on that.

Thank you for responding. I guess I feel like the drunken calls and texts are my fault. When we first started dating, he told me jokingly "Please don't get mad if I randomly call u wasted after a crazy night". I thought he was kidding or that me meant after a stag party or something, not every weekend.

 

I feel like I already told him I condoned it and how do I backtrack. The drinking is the ONLY thing about him that bothers me. His best friends get wasted and act so stupid, he drinks with his family too. He'll have an average of 4 beers during our hour and a half long dates. I've never actually seen him wasted though, only on the phone.

 

How do we have this conversation?

......wow....I'm sorry but he sounds like a functioning alcoholic..... Keep in mind that we choose our friends by who we are ourselves, so his friends aren't the issue or to blame here for his drinking habits. He downs that much alcohol on a date???? RUUUUN

I believe love is a feeling. So it's very possible to be in love very quickly. However only being able to say it when wasted and/or hang up like a middle school kid right after the fact? That doesn't sound very mature.

Also if he is downing 4 beers in an hour and half date and doesn't seem drunk? That's a dude who drinks a lot, often.

If drinking is an issue for you this dude is waving red flags in front of your face.

I would be totally turned off by a man telling me he loves me within such a short period. He sounds messed up and on top of it telling you that whilst drunk.

It sounds too like he is a drinker and nothing about that is attractive.

I think this man has serious issues, there are red flags all over the place.

Saying "I love you" too soon it is a huge red flag for me, plus he drinks... and calls you, I mean why an otherwise "normal" successful, educated etc. guy would feel the urge to drink, get all emotional and call you if he wouldn t have some serious issues...

Sure otherwise he is just "perfect" well, I think he is just paying a "perfect role" he learned somewhere, like bringing flowers and gifts all the time, could be just cliches not necessarily sign of his love, I think he is not being his true self...

"I saw this movie before" and I ve learnt a hard lesson because of it, so I would be cautious if I were you, you might end up in a really messy situation, just stay away from men that can t control their emotions and urges...

You also suspect that something is not right here, otherwise you wouldn t post about it, so trust your feelings... always!!!

That puts him in or above the legal limit for a DUI in the US. Totally wasted no ..drunk yes.

He'll have an average of 4 beers during our hour and a half long dates.

I hadn't been thinking this way. I'm going to try talking to him this weekend. You're all right, he could possibly have a problem. He's ostensibly so perfect. He has a high profile job at one of the biggest financial services companies in the world, awesome relationships with immediate family, never me pressured for sex, always takes care of me. I mean he's a little quirky, but I think it's adorable, the drinking, though is not. I always imagined alcoholics as guys on the street, not brilliant and somewhat nerdy math geniuses.

I'm going to ask him how often he does it. Maybe it's so much because we're in the holiday season? I failed to mention one of his best buds is getting married and he's in the wedding party. They've been doing a lot of hanging out. I can't get tied up with an alcoholic, and I'm developing real feelings for him. I brought him this beautiful Armani watch yesterday for Christmas because he spoils me so much. I really do care about him.

Drugs and alcohol are pretty rampant in what he does. The pressure to perform is extreme.

As for alcoholism, honestly, what you are thinking of takes a long time to get to. Nobody goes from normal life to gutter instantly. It takes years to get there. You might want to google more about alcoholism, addictions in general and educate yourself about that so you are more aware of what it really looks like. When an alcoholic is in the functional stage, yes, they can very much maintain their job, keep up their performance and otherwise appear to be leading a normal life.....but for that pesky downing of large quantities of alcohol. The slide into the gutter is slow and painful and takes years. Some people manage to get a grip, some never do and will indeed end up in the gutter.

The other interesting thing about addictive personalities is that yes, they can be quite intense in how they approach relationships and dating - showering you with attention, gifts, love bombing essentially including premature I love you's. As another poster said, proclamations of love too soon is actually a red flag.

Well you could perhaps do the same to him....Call him and talk and then be like - "Luv you" and hang up the phone, followed by a text like "oh...so sorry about that...hope you are not angry"

Also, I guess it depends on what drug Like if he was on ecstasy and was like "I looove you soo soo much! I just want to hug you! I think we are meant to be together forever and ever!" ....I wouldn't take it too seriously other than that....I'm sure he means what he is saying

Personally, I wouldn't ask him about his drinking. What kind of answer do you think you'll get in return? If he has a drinking problem do you think he's going to admit it?

This early on I typically don't point things out like this. If he senses you have a concern then he'll just likely hide it from you. Doesn't mean he's changed, he's just

keeping it out of sight for the time being because you shown a light on it.

This is your time to quietly observe and decide whether what you see standing right in front of you is something you can or can not deal with. He is showing you who he is.

These are important clues. Remember, this is him on his best behavior.

I've also learned over the years that it's typically the very first flag you see in the beginning that ultimately ends up being the reason for the demise of the relationship in the end.

I'll be the first to admit I enjoy bourbon a bit more than the next guy and can appreciate an after-work bump, but 4 beers in an hour? I couldn't even slam 4 waters down in an hour, much less 4 beers.

I'll be the first to admit I enjoy bourbon a bit more than the next guy and can appreciate an after-work bump, but 4 beers in an hour? I couldn't even slam 4 waters down in an hour, much less 4 beers.

~nodding in agreement~ Talk about red flags waving in your face. I would be out the door so fast you wouldn't see me for dust, lol.

OP, it would be wise to heed all the warning signs. Don't let us all come back and shout .."We told you so!!!"

This is when he's trying to impress you and still has some buttons up tight. That's a lot booze and a lot of boozy behaviour.