Distraught and made a mess. Boyfriend's daughter, my future

Hi everyone..

I wrote a post a few weeks back and I'm in a huge mess) and would love some objective advice.

It's been 3 and a half years with my boyfriend. I met him when I was 21/22 and he was 29. We met on holiday in Spain and fell for each other straight away and decided we would commit to a long distance relationship between London and Southern France (where he's from. He's French). We did that for a year and a half and it was the best year ever - we loved each other very much and decided that we HAD to be together.

He couldn't move to London because he has a daughter who was 7 at the time so I took French lessons, got a good job lined up over Skype in a company who'se headoffice is in London, which meant I could go home when I wanted and work from there. It was completely the dream.

I didn't meet his daughter until 6 months into our relationship so we knew we would move slowly, and me and her have a great relationship.. but fast forward 2 years.. and I'm distraught. He's an amazing boyfriend and an amazing person, but I started realizing that I had committed to something way too young. After a year, I started to feel that when I was making dinners for us 3, I'd think of my girlfriends in London having fun and enjoying being young, while I'm here living with my boyfriend and his daughter. (He has her 2 weeknights and every other weekend - the mother has her the other two).

I love him deeply, but I know here in south France I can't advance in my career the way I could in London. I also often find myself feeling like an outsider in the relationship, especially when she's around and demands attention like a normal child does. She's also very territorial over her dad which is of course normal, and he does everything possible to make me feel part of the family and he's an amazing person. But being in a foreign country, away from my family & best friends and my support network, ALSO being a potential stepmother.. is hugely lonely.

On top of this, my boyfriend and I spoke a year ago about marriage and he explained that he loves me deeply but doesn't believe in marriage. I've always made it clear that I'd want to get married before ever having children (especially because he already has a child with someone else), and he completely disagreed and felt like marriage was just a piece of paper. He's also very resentful about the child support money he has to pay his ex girlfriend each month, so he's VERY against being financially tied to another woman because he's very aware of the divorce rate and the money the woman often gets in messy divorce! He says he wants to have a family with me and have children together soon, and that he's 100% sure I'm his soulmate, but that divorce is "very expensive". He'd also want a pre-nup to protect his daughter incase he suddenly died. (Everything from our marriage onwards would be ours and anything before that would be his and his daughters.)

As much as I love him and he loves me (he truly, truly does), why should I have to pay for his mistakes?

Last week, he talked about us building a house together and selling it and then buying a big house together. I explained that I'd love to do that together, but that I'd like to definitely fully understand the regulations involved in this and get full legal advice before-hand as in France, if we were not married and something awful happened and he died suddenly, the survivor pays 60% tax on the other's share of the house , and a quarter of his remaining share would be left to his daughter, meaning in the future I would have joint ownership with her, which I don't want (because she has a lot of money waiting for her from her parents when she turns 18 so she is fine!). He argued and got very defensive and told me that that's all total rubbish and that I have no idea about French law (even though I've looked this up on official French law sites).

I feel like he is concerned about protecting his daughter, but what about me? All of my family and support is in England. I don't feel comfortable committing to my whole life in France and to buying a house with him if we don't get married.

We had been arguing like crazy ever since. Long story short to the point where we were invited to his friend's house warming party a few weeks ago and there were lots of women there that I wanted to meet because it would be a great way for me to meet more friends outside of work. He refused to go because it was an hour drive away and he had a rugby match to play the next day. I told him that I'd really appreciate his support as I couldn't go alone because it's his friend, but it would mean a lot for me to meet more girlfriends. He refused and said I should support his rugby commitments, then as we were arguing in the car he sped angrily at like 170 miles an hour and nearly killed the two of us in a head on collision.

I cried my eyes out that night, went into my office the next day and said I had an offer in London for new company and handed in my notice. They did everything to try and keep me and offered me a promotion as well as the chance to transfer to the UK office. I accepted.

He was really upset.. but at the time I felt like this was my only choice. I leave the south of France next week to go back to the UK, and I feel so much regret and hurt. I don't know if I've just been stupid about the whole thing and that maybe marriage isn't such a big deal.. but that, paired with everything else, I've found so difficult to deal with.

We are on good terms and are still together. He's coming with me to spend christmas with my family in London and we are going to do long distance for a while on my job promotion while I save money for what he believes is our future, but I can't help but feel like I've ruined everything. Or maybe I've made the right decision now?

Please help

Your story is remarkably similar to a friend of mine who met a French guy and moved from the UK to be with him in a house he had built at an idyllic location in the South of France. Though it was beautiful the social isolation placed a great strain on the relationship, and she moved back to London to further her career. They too attempted long distance for a while, but in the end reality always sets in and they each found someone else.

With regards to the details of your story, I feel something is slightly off in the guy's offhand disregard for your concerns about your place in his life, the crazy driving row, and his placing rugby above your commendable effort to solve the scenario by meeting up with some new girl friends.

Maybe these things seem to suggest that he is not as committed to making your relationship work as you are.

Sorry this is happening. You made the right choice to live your own life rather than in his shadow. Why carry on long distance already knowing you will be a gf only playing wife/stepmom and take a back seat to sports. This won't get better. Take time back in your own life and town near family to reflect on what you really want.

offered me a promotion as well as the chance to transfer to the UK office. I accepted.

The sole fact that you desire marriage and he doesn't should be a deal breaker for you. You will always be uneasy and dissatisfied with this arrangement, and it's not a sacrifice you should make. You are making all of the sacrifices in the arrangement right now, and he couldn't even sacrifice being a little tired for you to make new friendships in the area. This in itself speaks of how self centered he is and his lack of care for you.

You gave the life change an entire year and you aren't happy with how things are going. His placing your life in danger by driving at such a high speed is another clue that he doesn't care enough about you and that he doesn't handle stress like a mature man should.

I'm sure he has good traits which is why you've stayed this long, but you can find another man with good traits who also wants the same thing as you--marriage. Your future candidate will also handle his emotions appropriately and will make you a priority. You can date locally in the UK so that you won't have to sacrifice a life apart from your friends and family.

Think of this relationship as life experience. You've learned what you want and you don't want in a partnership. Tell him it's not working for you and go no contact. Rebuild your life in the UK under your standards and your rules. Take care.

My advice to you is that you need to end this with him once and for all. You did make the right decision to move back to UK, now finish the job and get this man out of your life. He isn't really a man so much as an extremely selfish, self centered manchild. Him pitching a tantrum and almost killing the both of you should be the absolute last straw for you with him and who he is.

You don't have the same values. He doesn't see you as an equal partner, doesn't respect your needs and basically sees women as second class citizens just there to do whatever the man dictates. This is not the kind of a man you should continue with. In his eyes you are chattel and he isn't going to wake up one day and become a different person. I think you are learning the hard way why he is single.

He prioritized sports over your happiness. Um, hell no. Break up for real, and never look back. He doesn't believe in marriage, and sounds like he never will. This is a life-goal that you want, and should be with someone who wants to be married to you. You are young - plenty of time to settle down. When I was your age, up until 32, I was having a blast with friends, and rocking my career. Never regret breaking up with a man who refuses to make you happy, and does not encourage you to grow with your career, making friends, and building the relationship into a legal partnership.

He prioritized sports over your happiness. Um, hell no. Break up for real, and never look back. He doesn't believe in marriage, and sounds like he never will. This is a life-goal that you want, and should be with someone who wants to be married to you. You are young - plenty of time to settle down. When I was your age, up until 32, I was having a blast with friends, and rocking my career. Never regret breaking up with a man who refuses to make you happy, and does not encourage you to grow with your career, making friends, and building the relationship into a legal partnership.

He plays rugby semi-professionally so it's actually part of his career (well he owns his own business which is his primary work) and then plays rugby. He's very serious about not going out too late the night before a match but it's difficult because being 25, I quite like having spontaneous weekends or even just an evening out going for drinks. I often have to do that alone seeing ad he can't join. I can spend time with my work colleagues (some of the girls have become like sisters to me!) but during the weekends they have their own lives and own boyfriends/husbands to spend time with.

I feel so reassured by your post about what you were doing at my age, thank you. I feel like there's so much pressure for me now at 25 to have everything together. I feel like my early twenties have passed me by and I've spent it settling down too young!

YOU are a rock star. "oh, ok. ill just learn a language, get a job, change countries. no biggie. "

I do not like his moaning about the child support, the willingness to spend your money without protecting you, the temper tantrum.

Your right fit will respect your career, intellect, and self respect.

Brava on your negotiation and success moving back to the UK. Rock star.

YOU are a rock star. "oh, ok. ill just learn a language, get a job, change countries. no biggie. "

 

I do not like his moaning about the child support, the willingness to spend your money without protecting you, the temper tantrum.

 

Your right fit will respect your career, intellect, and self respect.

 

Brava on your negotiation and success moving back to the UK. Rock star.

Thank you so, so much. This really made my day :)