My love of 5 years just decimated me...

Hey everyone! Came here to share my story and get some advice.

Met my (now-exgirlfriend) on a visit back to my hometown, 5+ years ago. We instantly had a connection. So much so, that she moved from Michigan to LA to be with me...5 months later. She got herself settled and I had to get rid of some previous relationship baggage. Our first year or two was a rough start...but we stayed by each other. 3 years ago, we decided to move in with one another. We were massively in love to the point of talking marriage, kids and the long term She called me family. Her parents loved me, as did mine.

Then, in December of 2016, her father passed away.

He was a bad alcoholic and he suffered a head trauma from a bad fall. She was broken. Her father was her everything.

I stayed by her side. Through the rollercoaster of her trauma.

Now, she was always a social drinker. Myself as well, but less so. She was 24 when we met and I was 35. So, there in an age difference. I am now 40 and she is 29.

As the months progressed, she spiraled. Drinking heavily. Staying out all night. Going crazy with her friends. It didn't help that she worked at a bar. It was starting to tax me. The stress was weighing hard, being that I am a driven person and keep normal work hours. Her behavior spawned a handful of ugly fights, resentment and pain. But I always kept it in the back of my mind, that she was not coping with her loss properly.

It all came crashing down this past October.

I got really busy with work. She had too much time on her hands. She started taking a liking to her new bar manager. He would, of course, drink with her...knowing that I started to loathe her drinking.

Just before Halloween, she disappeared with him for 3 days and came back telling me she had an affair. She cried and pleaded that she made a mistake and begged me back. I told her she needed help.

She went back home, to bury her father's ashes 2 days later and stayed there for 2 weeks. When she returned. We laid all of our cards out and we decided to move past the affair and try again. We didn't want to lose each other.

The first couple weeks were great, but her patience in dealing with my healing over the infidelity started to wear thin quick. She started to stray. Her drinking amped up again and she retreated. She wanted me to be over the affair overnight and that was not possible.

She disappeared again, for 4 days. It was hell. Last weekend, she asked to meet me at our home to talk. She wanted to separate. When I arrived, I found them together. They were drunk and told me they were in love and she was no longer in love with me. Who does that?!! Luckily, I'm a reasonable person and not the type to start a fight!! I stayed as calm as I could and walked out with my head up.

I have since left the house, staying with friends. I plan to return when she is not home and swiftly move out. We have some unpaid bills together. I don't know what she is going to do, nor do I care right now. But she keeps texting me telling me "She loves me always and sorry it went down that way".

I am currently keeping active no contact while I maneuver out of the house to avoid drama. I plan to go full No Contact in a couple days as soon as get out.

After all of this awful behavior and emotional abuse, I still do love her. I know who she is deep down and this is not like her. The death of her father and the coupling of her heavy drinking...changed her. Turned her cold on me.

Do you guys really think she is "in love" with this guy so quickly?! A week before this happened, she told me she wanted to spend her life with me.

This has me in a state of shock. I wonder if she will regret this? Not sure if I would ever take her back unless she got help. Any positive advice?

Of course she isn't in love with him. She is just trying to distract herself from her reality. It sucks because you are an integral part of that reality.

She apparently has a bad drinking problem too. Very heredity issue, drinking addiction.

There is nothing you can do other than leave and save yourself or let her bring you to her hell for some company.

You have to move on or else you are going to be just as miserable as her.

Write her off. Hopefully you have learned enough about yourself and love from your relationship to grow. So it isn't a total loss.

Learn and move on.

Sorry to hear this. Sad to say but you dodged a bullet, as these things...drinking, cheating etc get worse, not better.

Really sorry to hear you going through this mate.

As tough as it may sound, this would get worse, unless you do yourself a massive favour and get out of her life and stay NC ASAP.

Remember that you are worth more than this and take one day at a time.

Best of luck.

No, she's not in love with him.

Sadly, she's not loving herself either.

You cannot be her crutch. You tried, she went haywire again.

Substance abuse is hard to deal with, but if she won't help herself, you can't either.

The best thing to do is give her tough love and go NC when you can.

She may sober up into reality if she knows she's lost you.

I understand you love her, but this has become a downward spiral now.

She broke up with you. This is her battle now.

Stay strong. You'll pull through this.

No she is not in love with him. She probably will regret it later in life but that doesn't give you much consolation now does it? She has a drinking problem and that is very very difficult to take on. You are in love with her and overlooking that now. But later on if it goes unchecked it only gets worse and soon that 'love' wears off you will want nothing to do with this in a few years. The bigger question is why go for someone who is in a way unavailable emotionally and the age gap is a little big IMHO. At 29 you're just not generally on the same page as when you're 40. She has a lot of issues happening in her life.

I think I am just in a pure state of shock. That is how fast it happened. I had went back on our text messages like 3-4 days before this went down and she was saying things like: "I'm not inching away from you. I love you. You are my man. I only want to be with you. No one can steal me away from you" etc etc.!! And of course, the way she did me...RIGHT AFTER that type of interaction is just utterly mind blowing! I don't think she has had a sober/alone day to really assess everything since this happened. Today, I found out that she may be moving in with him!!! Just...speechless. Now, I have to restructure my whole living situation over this. Sad.

I think I am just in a pure state of shock. That is how fast it happened. I had went back on our text messages like 3-4 days before this went down and she was saying things like: "I'm not inching away from you. I love you. You are my man. I only want to be with you. No one can steal me away from you" etc etc.!! And of course, the way she did me...RIGHT AFTER that type of interaction is just utterly mind blowing! I don't think she has had a sober/alone day to really assess everything since this happened. Today, I found out that she may be moving in with him!!! Just...speechless. Now, I have to restructure my whole living situation over this. Sad.

Aww, I'm sorry

You have to understand her thought process is altered by the alcohol.

It's a depressant. She's going to have highs, then lows, bouts of crying,anger, happiness, feeling sorry,

basically an emotional mess. She's going to contradict herself and change her mind a hundred times over.

All you can do at this point is wish her well and hope she helps herself.

I know it hurts too see someone you love self destruct. I watched an ex totally lose himself to cocaine, it's

why we divorced. He became a totally different person than the man I loved and married. And then the physical abuse ensued. I could not, especially as a nurse, stand by him and watch it. Substance abusers don't live in reality.

Unless she's willing to admit she has a problem, and accepts help, you have to let her go.

I am so sorry. What a b*tch! I cannot believe that someone could be so cruel.

She is an alcoholic. She is also a lying, disrespectful cheat. You need to stay away from this woman, if you have any self respect.

I lost my brother, who I adored. I did not behave in this manner. I also lost my father a few years back. Difficult loss. I did not behave in this manner. Most do not act as your ex. Stop making excuses.

She needs help for her addiction etc.....

What were the problems in the first two years?

Be done with her! Do not be there to support her. Deal with the financial stuff, then strict NC.

She is an unstable, alcoholic mess, OP. I am really sorry you're going through this but she is not a well person right now.

That is why you are seeing extreme highs and extreme lows. Coupled with the grief for her dad, she is not someone who is thinking clearly or can offer you a stable, loving relationship anymore.

Is she is love with him? Highly doubtful. Was she still in love with you? Unfortunately, also very doubtful. She checked out and chose some horrible coping mechanisms to deal with her desire to escape. Your emotions are the sad collateral damage of a woman whose life is spiraling down.

To be honest, she sounds like she's always been rather impulsive. Moving across the country to be with you after only 5 months of dating is pretty significant, in terms of jumping in with both feet. You also say your first year or two were rough - can you elaborate? What were the problems? I am trying to see if there was more of a pattern of erratic behaviour than you realized, even from earlier on.

I am so sorry. What a b*tch! I cannot believe that someone could be so cruel.

 

She is an alcoholic. She is also a lying, disrespectful cheat. You need to stay away from this woman, if you have any self respect.

 

I lost my brother, who I adored. I did not behave in this manner. I also lost my father a few years back. Difficult loss. I did not behave in this manner. Most do not act as your ex. Stop making excuses.

 

She needs help for her addiction etc.....

 

What were the problems in the first two years?

 

Be done with her! Do not be there to support her. Deal with the financial stuff, then strict NC.

Well, she moved out here pretty fast and I had some baggage from a previous relationship. I told her I wasn't quite sure if I was ready to jump into a committed relationship but she pushed for it. I kept saying I wanted to take it slow and that I wasn't ready to commit. She was young and partying a lot and it was making me second guess the relationship in general. During the first year of us seeing each other, I wound up having a slip up with my ex. My then ex and I had zero intention on making it more than just a physical slip up. I kept it to myself, feeling guilty, thinking it was just part of me figuring out what I wanted. Word got out about it and she found out. She was upset but given the circumstances...she forgave me real fast. I did the work to help heal it. Took about a year but I went into full commitment mode from there on out and she settled herself down a bit more. It wasn't my shining moment but I do believe it is way different then her lying and having an affair with someone who's full intention was to steal her away after 5+ years in.

I am so sorry for the loss of your brother and father. I can't imagine how difficult that was for you.

Just an update. She texted me this evening to tell me this man is moving in with her (in our home) and they are planning to move away "across the state" together in the coming months. I just responded with a "Ok." I had zero intention on giving her the satisfaction of a negative response. My jaw is dropped.

Do not let them live in your home. Move back in and get them out asap.

She texted me this evening to tell me this man is moving in with her (in our home) and they are planning to move away "across the state" together in the coming months..

Do not let them live in your home. Move back in and get them out asap.

It's too messy and her name was on the lease, or else I would. There are other factors too. The layout of the house is unique and I would need a roommate to make it financially make sense. Long story short, even though I love that place...I'd rather move on from it.

She was also sending bait texts like: "Do you hate me?" "How are you" "I love you very much, hope you are doing ok."

Ok get out of the lease and stop paying on a place you don't live in. Block her and send a certified letter to her that she needs to cover the rent after 30 days, send a copy to the landlord.

It's too messy and her name was on the lease. She was also sending bait texts

Move out day is tomorrow. Today she called me, I suppose to gather some closure for herself. Told me she was "happy" now and that she was sorry for what she put me through. That she was confused for a long time but not until she met this guy, was it clear for her. I kept calm and just listened. I felt it was the bigger thing to do instead of trying to call her out on every messed up detail and create a fight. I told her it made me feel used and that if she was feeling like she wasn't in it...then she should of just let me go a long time ago instead of dragging me through hell with her. It's great she feels like she found clarity and happiness and claims she is not in a rebound and that it is real...but, whatever, the damage is done. It made me feel like discarded trash. I feel like I was a rag doll for her while she figured out what she wanted out of life. Cruddy.

CRAZY UPDATE PT2!! I friend sent me a screenshot of her instagram post announcing she was marrying this guy in a couple weeks. Mind-blown. Insane.

CRAZY UPDATE PT2!! I friend sent me a screenshot of her instagram post announcing she was marrying this guy in a couple weeks. Mind-blown. Insane.

I'd be the one to send a congrats card to him, wishing him luck with her!

Lol, no don't do that!

I'm sorry, this has to be a ton for you to process.

The two of them are acting on a whim, and most likely to end in disaster.

Look at this as closure, and your chance to find a decent, stable woman who wants your time

and attention. You have the chance for stability to enter your life now.

I'd be the one to send a congrats card to him, wishing him luck with her!

Lol, no don't do that!

 

I'm sorry, this has to be a ton for you to process.

The two of them are acting on a whim, and most likely to end in disaster.

Look at this as closure, and your chance to find a decent, stable woman who wants your time

and attention. You have the chance for stability to enter your life now.

Thank you for your kind words. I feel like I have PTSD or something. It's all been coming at me like a million miles a minute. Like, I blinked and now I am where I am at. In the words of Ferris Bueller: "Life moves pretty fast."

This is brutal and it's tapping into the pain I'm dealing with at the moment.

Yes you will get some PTSD. It's a traumatic experience!

I echo everyone else's statements. She may be 'in love' with this guy right at this moment but this is one of the most unhealthy starts to a relationship I've ever seen....! If they're still together in 2 years I'd be highly surprised.

The fact she is still seeking some comfort from you clearly shows the inner confusion going on in her.

As for you, this is a mighty blow and will take some time to recover from. Once you're resettled you should seek out a good counselor if you can in someway afford it.

Also start reading this: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com/Start

Again I'm so sorry this has happened. Truly horrible...

Sending you Strength

Carus*