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Thread: I've been totally blindsided!

  1. #1

    Join Date
    Nov 2017

    I've been totally blindsided!

    About a year ago I married my 2nd ever girlfriend after many years of being apart (and not seeing each other at all). We hooked back up again on social media as we lived in two different states. Eventually the long term relationship got old and she decided to move here. She quickly wanted to get married because 1) we could 2) we'd been talking about it, and 3) she needed to be on my health insurance. She has an expensive form of arthritis that requires shots and such. I wasn't keen on getting married, but she convinced me I would be helping her out of a financial bind by putting her on my insurance.

    Over the phone we had talked about everything. What we like. What we don't like. What we believe in. What is important to us. What relationships in our lives are important to maintain. And on and on. It felt like we knew each other so well.

    So, during this time your would think that if a person had a serious condition, it would come out, right? Not so much.

    I don't have a lot of personal requests, but there are certain things I just don't want to participate in. I don't care if she does, but I don't want to, and that is my right. One of those things is sleeping in the bed with animals. To me that is nasty. I know a ton of people do it, but I just find allowing animals who have been walking around outside in lord-only-knows-what, and licking their back sides, and then transferring all this to my bed to be unsanitary. Don't get me wrong, I like animals. They are welcome everywhere in the house, just not on the furniture. They have their own beds and cushions, etc.

    So, my friend arrived and things were fine. Her animals kenneled at night. She kept them off my bed, which was what we agreed on before she moved. Then only a few weeks later suddenly the dogs "needed to be in the bed with us because they were in their kennels all day". I didn't get a vote. So, from that day forward we sleep with 3 dogs. I couldn't sleep. The dogs were always right next to me, which made me sweat and wake up. Nothing is as lovely as sleeping in damp clothes on a damp bed. Even if you like to sleep with animals, you have to agree that wasn't right. I mentioned that I wasn't happy about it and to my surprise it was a though another person's voice was coming out of her face! She said awful things and would NOT stop yelling. The yelling went on for days! Then as quickly as it started, she was normal again and although the dogs stayed in the bed, she, at least, was not screaming.

    After a while I realized this doing things I had specifically said I did not like and her screaming for days when I objected had become a pattern. If she somehow felt wronged (her dogs were being mistreated; I spent time with someone other than her;I wanted to watch tv), I was the target of all this uncontrolled anger. I couldn't say anything to defend myself. If I tried to talk she talked over me. The things she was saying made zero sense. Her sentences weren't even complete and she would jump from one topic to another with no prior warning and get mad at me if I didn't follow her. Life felt chaotic and just a MESS!

    It was then that I discovered she is bipolar! She actually said it in the middle of one of her rants! Suddenly it was all clear!

    I feel so violated! That was a major omission to me, but she feels justified in not telling me because "people just don't understand" or some ridiculous non-reason.

    I've had enough. I'm tired. I would rather me alone than live tip-toeing around and trying not to say the wrong thing and cause another manic episode. She can't change by her own admission.

    Any suggestions on getting out of this without getting my brains splattered on the wall?


  2. #2
    Platinum Member rosephase's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    San Francisco
    Break up with her. That's the only choice. She will probably scream at you (since she feels like that is an okay reaction) but it's better to get yelled at once and have her out of your life then to keep getting yelled at for anything she doesn't like.

    Being bi-polar doesn't mean you have to be abusive. She is abusive AND bi-polar.

    You can't be healthy emotionally and stay with someone who handles conflict by screaming at you for days. And the fact that she blames being bi-polar and uses it as an excuse for why she won't TRY and treat you in a non-abusive way is the nail in the coffin. Being bi-polar might make life harder in a lot of ways but it doesn't make it impossible to change. Or to treat someone you love with respect. Those are her choices.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2017
    Boston, MA
    I think it's more abuse than bipolar where she will scream and rant and rave when she doesn't get her way. Bipolar is usually more random. She's controlling you with her angry outbursts. Maybe you should set up a separate bedroom for yourself and sleep there. I don't think she's going to change. You need to protect your own sanity and maybe just treat her as a roommate. I'm guessing she's not going to leave on her own, especially when she's getting free rent. The only solution I can come up with is you've got to stay out of her way and lead your own life.

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