Why would people ghost rather than saying something

Speaking to a girl for a month or so, been on a couple dates went well and we spoke a lot. After the last date we were still speaking for a few days when all of a sudden for two days I just got one reply a day, I didn't mind I was thinking we've got to know each other now, then she just didn't read my messages at all.

Waited a day or two before sending another, been online but still not read it.

I don't really mind as it was only a month but I started to like her and it was slightly confusing going from getting close to each other to nothing, after that length of time if I don't feel anything I tend to let them know at least, this way just makes you think oh maybe they didn't get the message.

Just seeing if this is a big thing in dating now since I've been out the game a while! I'll just learn to not get my feelings up until a few months have passed haha

Yes ghosting is pretty common early on. After just two dates there isn't much to say really. Did you ask her for another date or were you just chatting away? Why were you still messaging her online? Did she not give you her phone number?

I prefer an honest reply instead of ghosting too but some people just disappear instead. It is easy for them so they do not have to face the un-pleasantries of ending it. It also leaves the door open for later.

It is pretty obvious she met someone else that she is interested in more than you or she was just passing the time with you.

Get that skin thicker and you will be fine in the new dating world.

And yes ghosting is the norm more times than not.

Lost

Yeah had her number we were just messaging on WhatsApp or Facebook usually, and I get that it's just annoying how everything was great, we were talking about having another date and after a few more days of chatting it just stopped.

We were in touch a lot though so it was just 2 dates but a lot of talking so I assumed it'd be worth more than a disappearing act!

It Just means you have a few confusing days if waiting for a response instead of just knowing it's done, like I said it's not too bad just more of an annoying thing when you think things are going well

I am convinced now (at least in some instances) it's because they want to leave door open to return later.

If they officially end things, it's done, over. It's hard to return once you officially end things. So they say nothing.

I didn't always think that, but I know too many people who were ghosted and the person who ghosted returned.

Sometimes with a good reason for distancing themselves, sometime a lame excuse.

A guy I had a few dates with a few months back, and who I really connected with (or so I thought at the time) suddenly ghosted and recently returned.

I admit I was still thinking about him and now he wants to see me.

This just happened last week so still thinking about it, I just don't know.

I am also dating a new man now too.

I usually believe in second chances and I did really like him, but I have a good thing now so will probably take a pass.

Why only two dates and so much online chatter in such an extended period of time? It's possible that you lost that in person momentum, she got bored with electronic chatter and moved on.

That's my pet peeve, too! Just have the balls to man/woman up and say, this isn't working for me anymore and I want out/I'm not interested. My bf did this and I never expected it from HIM of all people. Some people have issues with being upfront is the only conclusion I can come to.

That's my pet peeve, too! Just have the balls to man/woman up and say, this isn't working for me anymore and I want out/I'm not interested. My bf did this and I never expected it from HIM of all people. Some people have issues with being upfront is the only conclusion I can come to.

Read my post number 5. Just another perspective.

Agree it's cowardly no matter what the reason though.

In my opinion because ghost primarily because they are cowards.

They might try to justify it in a number of different ways but the truth is they don't have the guts to deal with the repercussions of their choice and instead run away.

Only two dates and so much talk as she's a single mum so it's a bit different to the usual dating when you're always free and stuff, the conversations weren't boring literally just stopped haha.

Yeah I guess the door open thing with an excuse is always a reason, I mean I did it a couple times when I was like 16 but I wouldn't dream of doing it now

Sorry your boyfriend did it to you! that sucks a lot more than my situation. And to the other one glad you've got someone that won't flake now !

Sounds to me like you got a bit over invested when in reality it was just two dates. Basically all that talking created a false sense of intimacy and connection for you. So lesson learned to be perhaps a little more cautious with that. You were still virtual strangers and she didn't owe you any break up conversations. You weren't yet dating.

In early going like that people do fade out and it's normal. It would be completely weird to get a text, "hey it was great to meet you, but this isn't working for me." I'd personally think this person is off their rocker, not to mention that I've never encountered that kind of behavior. You met, you didn't like, you simply move on. Silence speaks for itself and really, after a date or two what is there to explain that isn't obvious? They weren't attracted and that's that. You don't actually know each other enough to get into any kind discussions of what went wrong and you aren't dating so there is no break up. Of course you don't just go awol when you actually are in a relationship. That's a whole other can of worms.

Sounds to me like you got a bit over invested when in reality it was just two dates. Basically all that talking created a false sense of intimacy and connection for you. So lesson learned to be perhaps a little more cautious with that. You were still virtual strangers and she didn't owe you any break up conversations. You weren't yet dating.

 

In early going like that people do fade out and it's normal. It would be completely weird to get a text, "hey it was great to meet you, but this isn't working for me." I'd personally think this person is off their rocker, not to mention that I've never encountered that kind of behavior. You met, you didn't like, you simply move on. Silence speaks for itself and really, after a date or two what is there to explain that isn't obvious? They weren't attracted and that's that. You don't actually know each other enough to get into any kind discussions of what went wrong and you aren't dating so there is no break up. Of course you don't just go awol when you actually are in a relationship. That's a whole other can of worms.

Methinks you're trying to justify some of your own ghosting in this reply. This attitude of not "owing anything you anyone" after "just" 2 dates is the issue of how disposable people have become (especially online). When a complete stranger opens a door for you, you do say thank you, right? I assume you expect similar attitude in return when you are the one doing the deed. If you took the time to get to know somebody, even if it was only two dates, letting them know things are not going to work out is simply common decency. I'm not sure why you think it's so "weird" and "off the rocker." My assumption here, again, is that online dating and just our current Insta culture are to blame. However, people have been known poopoobags for a minute now. Having balls is a rare quality nowadays.

I've actually just experienced this phenomenon myself for the first time recently. Met somebody off tinder (different City - red flag #1), talked for about a month before she made the trip, slept on the first date, continued talking, went on a trip together (much more sex), came back and within a few weeks - poof. Even talked about "ghosting" and how terrible/prevalent it is nowadays... Seemed like a completely level-headed person who knew how to communicate when we were together. Looks like nobody is insured against this. I'm really just more confused than anything. A simple phone call would've been enough, but I guess you can't expect much from people these days. I'm definitely lowering my expectations even lower from here on out.

Had practically the same thing happen to me a couple of weeks ago (posted a thread about it in here too. ). However our second date wasn’t as great as the first, but nonetheless we exchanged a couple of texts back and forth for a couple of days (although the texts were not as frequent and had longer response times), and then he just didn’t respond to my last text.

Honestly I don’t think I would’ve expected him to tell me he wasn’t interested after only two dates, and I will admit he might’ve gotten the impression I wasn’t too keen on him either. Nevertheless I do feel after only two dates (as long as you didn’t sleep together), officially breaking it off might appear a bit presumptuous.

I once had a guy tell me that he got back with his ex gf after we had 4 dates, at that point I hadn’t heard from him in a week and knew it was over without him giving me some total bs story about an ex girlfriend coming back, when I knew he had been single for over a year.

Read my post number 5. Just another perspective.

 

Agree it's cowardly no matter what the reason though.

That is interesting and you could be right. My bf and I just broke up and he has pretty much ghosted/stopped responding but wouldn't ever officially end it. Today I did. I just sent a short but sweet text confirming that we both needed to work on some things and for closure, for now, it's over. I told him I'd always remember that time...(a nice, non sexual memory) and that I wish him and his family the best always. I hoped that one day soon we could at least become friends again and on down the road, who knows.

So the door is still somewhat open, if he is able to workout whatever it is he's having trouble with right now. But it's not staying open forever. I didn't indicate that I would start seeing other people but surely he knows that if he doesn't man up soon, I will. That is the way you end things. I think too many, men especially, are afraid of looking like the bad guy or afraid the other person will go batcrap crazy on them. But here's the thing....NOT saying anything at all--is what makes them the bad guy and makes the other person go crazy!!!

Kudos to you for dating again! Good luck to you!

That is interesting and you could be right. My bf and I just broke up and he has pretty much ghosted/stopped responding but wouldn't ever officially end it. Today I did. I just sent a short but sweet text confirming that we both needed to work on some things and for closure, for now, it's over. I told him I'd always remember that time...(a nice, non sexual memory) and that I wish him and his family the best always. I hoped that one day soon we could at least become friends again and on down the road, who knows.

 

So the door is still somewhat open, if he is able to workout whatever it is he's having trouble with right now. But it's not staying open forever. I didn't indicate that I would start seeing other people but surely he knows that if he doesn't man up soon, I will. That is the way you end things. I think too many, men especially, are afraid of looking like the bad guy or afraid the other person will go batcrap crazy on them. But here's the thing....NOT saying anything at all--is what makes them the bad guy and makes the other person go crazy!!!

 

Kudos to you for dating again! Good luck to you!

Thank you!

We had three dates (no sex but some pretty intense kissing, etc.), he didn't even push the sex.

I thought there was a connection, mutual. You can kinda just tell, you know?

He even asked me out for a 4th, but then ghosted. I sent one text, no reply back so that was that. I don't push these things.

I'm tempted to meet up with him just to hear what he has to say, but then again, dating someone new so probably won't. Whatever he tells me will probably be some form of BS anyway; my guess is he was multi-dating, met someone else he clicked with better. But who knows.

I think after one or two dates and there is no click, no explanation is necessary unless the other person continues to pursue you. Then it's just common courtesy to let them know you enjoyed meeting but not feeling enough chemistry to pursue further or something like that.

If neither one gets in touch, then let it go, there was no click, no explanation necessary, as DF said.

With this guy, we had three really great dates. He asked me out for a 4th, I responded back quickly, and then poof.

It would have been nice if he had said something, the not knowing what happened is the worst.

But now he's back and wanting to see me.

Whatever he tells me will probably be some form of BS anyway

That's what I would think, too.

Knowing me, curiosity would get the better of me and I would have to hear it. No one can tell you what's right or wrong for you. Just proceed cautiously, of course.

It would probably be good to keep in mind that chemistry can be very much one sided, so early on, when it's just one or two dates in, the most probable answer is really the simple one - the other person simply didn't feel that chemistry to proceed. So what can they possibly say to you about that without being insulting or cruel? Of course some form of bs IF you drive them into a corner with that kind of questioning. Why put yourself through that and not let go? Better question is why are you so invested in a stranger you've barely met?

It would probably be good to keep in mind that chemistry can be very much one sided, so early on, when it's just one or two dates in, the most probable answer is really the simple one - the other person simply didn't feel that chemistry to proceed. So what can they possibly say to you about that without being insulting or cruel? Of course some form of bs IF you drive them into a corner with that kind of questioning. Why put yourself through that and not let go? Better question is why are you so invested in a stranger you've barely met?

While I think ghosting after only two dates is acceptable, I don’t think telling someone they didn’t feel chemistry is all that insulting. Chemistry isn’t necessarily physical attraction, I’ve met plenty of men I was physically attracted to but didn’t feel any chemistry with and on the flip side met plenty of men I wasn’t physically attracted to at first but had undeniable chemistry with. Chemistry is just something that’s there or it’s not. Often times when it’s one sided, the other person most probably wasn’t completely being their true self therefore they didn’t feel the chemistry because they didn’t feel comfortable enough to completely be themselves and perhaps unintentionally created a false sense of chemistry, at least that’s been my experience.

It's not being invested, it's like the other person said above they were getting on great, and it's usually easy to tell if someone is interested or not.

It seems that other people have experienced it when the person was very interested then suddenly stopped out of the blue, for me we got on great and planned another date like the other poster, which is why it's confusing.

It's not being invested since it's a short time and people get over it easily, it's more of a fact that being ghosted leaves you confused for a few days which is annoying, and it's just a nice thing to do to rip the band aid off someone rather than them wondering about for however long until they get the message

Thank you!

 

We had three dates (no sex but some pretty intense kissing, etc.), he didn't even push the sex.

 

I thought there was a connection, mutual. You can kinda just tell, you know?

 

He even asked me out for a 4th, but then ghosted. I sent one text, no reply back so that was that. I don't push these things.

 

I'm tempted to meet up with him just to hear what he has to say, but then again, dating someone new so probably won't. Whatever he tells me will probably be some form of BS anyway; my guess is he was multi-dating, met someone else he clicked with better. But who knows.

 

I think after one or two dates and there is no click, no explanation is necessary unless the other person continues to pursue you. Then it's just common courtesy to let them know you enjoyed meeting but not feeling enough chemistry to pursue further or something like that.

 

If neither one gets in touch, then let it go, there was no click, no explanation necessary, as DF said.

 

With this guy, we had three really great dates. He asked me out for a 4th, I responded back quickly, and then poof.

 

It would have been nice if he had said something, the not knowing what happened is the worst.

 

But now he's back and wanting to see me.

I read somewhere that this very common when you use dating apps. The guy you meet may very well be into you and think you’re great, but because there’s so many women to choose from he thinks he might meet someone even better, therefore they constantly ghost in hopes of a better catch....kind of like heroin addict chasing a high they can’t get.

It would probably be good to keep in mind that chemistry can be very much one sided, so early on, when it's just one or two dates in, the most probable answer is really the simple one - the other person simply didn't feel that chemistry to proceed. So what can they possibly say to you about that without being insulting or cruel? Of course some form of bs IF you drive them into a corner with that kind of questioning. Why put yourself through that and not let go? Better question is why are you so invested in a stranger you've barely met?

DF I hear ya, but if the other person has an obvious interest and continues to text or call, what, you're just gonna ignore them and hope they go away?

Why not just send a quick text saying "it was nice meeting you but not interested in pursuing further." No mention of chemistry or spark even needs to be mentioned.

Some people just don't get it. I did when the guy I dated stopped pursuing me, but in my experience, men will continue texting me if I just ignore.

So I simply tell them what I mentioned above and then block. Common courtesy again only if they continue to text/call. Plus I hate being bombarded with texts; its really annoying.

I think ignoring/ghosting someone when they are continuing to pursue, even after only one or two dates, is pretty rude quite frankly.

Again, if after one date, neither gets in touch again, then no harm no foul. No explanation necessary, in my opinion.

I read somewhere that this very common when you use dating apps. The guy you meet may very well be into you and think you’re great, but because there’s so many women to choose from he thinks he might meet someone even better, therefore they constantly ghost in hopes of a better catch....kind of like heroin addict chasing a high they can’t get.

Agree, I don't use apps or on-line date, but HE may have been, probably was.

DF I hear ya, but if the other person has an obvious interest and continues to text or call, what, you're just gonna ignore them and hope they go away?

 

Why not just send a quick text saying "it was nice meeting you but not interested in pursuing further." No mention of chemistry or spark even needs to be mentioned.

 

Some people just don't get it. I did when the guy I dated stopped pursuing me, but in my experience, men will continue texting me if I just ignore.

 

So I simply tell them what I mentioned above and then block. Common courtesy again only if they continue to text/call.

 

I think ignoring/ghosting someone when they are continuing to pursue, even after only one or two dates, is pretty rude quite frankly.

Of course it's not all black and white and there are a lot of factors that come into play. For example if the guy contacts me asking me out for another date, I will politely decline and not just ignore him. There is fading out of a convo and then there is totally being an ahole and ignoring for the sake of ignoring. Honestly, I do find that for the most part people do tend to be sufficiently mutually intuitive about lacking interest, meaning that the fading out is really mutual.

Plus add into it the fact that from online you are meeting so many varied people from all walks of life, backgrounds, experiences, expectations, etc. It's really kind of a minefield. I've always found that giving myself some basic rules to follow works a lot better in terms of taming all the confusion out there, than trying to place expectations on others or worse, seeking to understand the motivation of strangers.

For example, I often advocate the rule of two contacts. If one goes unanswered, send another just in case and if no response, you have your answer. Drop and move on. Personally, I think that when you have a lot of dates and options lined up, you really are less fixated on any one person or match and what they are doing and why. They drift off your radar because it's full of other options.

Of course it's not all black and white and there are a lot of factors that come into play. For example if the guy contacts me asking me out for another date, I will politely decline and not just ignore him. There is fading out of a convo and then there is totally being an ahole and ignoring for the sake of ignoring. Honestly, I do find that for the most part people do tend to be sufficiently mutually intuitive about lacking interest, meaning that the fading out is really mutual.

 

Plus add into it the fact that from online you are meeting so many varied people from all walks of life, backgrounds, experiences, expectations, etc. It's really kind of a minefield. I've always found that giving myself some basic rules to follow works a lot better in terms of taming all the confusion out there, than trying to place expectations on others or worse, seeking to understand the motivation of strangers.

 

For example, I often advocate the rule of two contacts. If one goes unanswered, send another just in case and if no response, you have your answer. Drop and move on. Personally, I think that when you have a lot of dates and options lined up, you really are less fixated on any one person or match and what they are doing and why. They drift off your radar because it's full of other options.

This makes sense. I don't do OLD so perhaps my experiences are a bit different from those who do.

Yeah I'm very intuitive, so like you said, one or two unanswered texts, I get the message. I'm not all that invested, but like with the last guy (who recently contacted me again), I was very disappointed and a bit hurt. Only because I thought we made genuine connection.

But turning it around, I have had men continue to text (and call which I personally hate), when I don't respond. Very annoying.

Not always but I've it had happen enough times, that now, I simply respond back telling them not interested, or it's not a good time, or not over an ex, just something so they "get" it.

Often times they still didn't get it, and will continue texting asking me godonlyknowswhat so now I just block, after sending the text. Some guys have gotten very angry and gone off on me. That is why, now, I block.

I also think it's common courtesy basically because personally I hate being ignored so try to not do that to others. But that's just me.

I get what you're saying too.

Of course it's not all black and white and there are a lot of factors that come into play. For example if the guy contacts me asking me out for another date, I will politely decline and not just ignore him. There is fading out of a convo and then there is totally being an ahole and ignoring for the sake of ignoring. Honestly, I do find that for the most part people do tend to be sufficiently mutually intuitive about lacking interest, meaning that the fading out is really mutual.

 

Plus add into it the fact that from online you are meeting so many varied people from all walks of life, backgrounds, experiences, expectations, etc. It's really kind of a minefield. I've always found that giving myself some basic rules to follow works a lot better in terms of taming all the confusion out there, than trying to place expectations on others or worse, seeking to understand the motivation of strangers.

 

For example, I often advocate the rule of two contacts. If one goes unanswered, send another just in case and if no response, you have your answer. Drop and move on. Personally, I think that when you have a lot of dates and options lined up, you really are less fixated on any one person or match and what they are doing and why. They drift off your radar because it's full of other options.

I agree. It's not a one size fits all condition. If a person can't deal with being ghosted, then don't do OLD (where it happens the most).

Also, this issue wouldn't be so prevalent if people just concentrated on the dates and stop the constant texting in between. After the 1st date, it's all about setting up the 2nd date. Next, is the 3rd date......

As DancingFool has noted, at the early stages, we're dealing with strangers, which means anything goes.