Struggles with my new young wife

Dear Internet community,

I am posting briefly to get some feedback and outside perspectives. One year ago today i got married to a very sweet and very beautiful young girl. We have the same interests mostly, same world and religious views, same of most everything. And, a lot of our relationship has been wonderful.

However, in the past month or so i have begun to feel seriously strained in my marriage regardless of all these wonderful positives. There are 2 reasons.

The first is, my wife, though a year younger than me, never lived apart from her parents and is remarkably unprepared for life as an independent adult. Even emotionally, she strikes me in most senses like not just a child, but an extremely young child. It is almost as if she grew up in an environment that left her so constrained for expression that she just never developed as a person. She is often quiet, lost in thought, and struggles to express herself or even know what she is feelings. The world overwhelms her, even just loud noises and crowds, and i cant rely on her either to communicate with me or take care of much of anything important without me. She is so unaware of her environment that she even regularly harms me - stepping on my toes, elbowing my face when she sits down next to me, e.t.c. If i ask her to pick me up she will get lost and be a half hour late. If I ask her to drive she will run three red lights by the time we get home. It is like this every day. I know how to get around her small home town better than her after living here 2 years, whereas she spent her whole life here and still gets confused. I can honestly say i have never seen anything like it. I am constantly getting hurt by her accidents and slipups in ways both small and big, and i cant help myself. I get really frustrated with her pretty regularly after dealing with this for a solid year. Yet she is so fragile and sensitive, it absolutely destroys her when I do, and then i feel horrible. Consequently I feel like i cant express myself and have to hold all of my feelings down, which just causes the frustration to build.

At times where I have really gotten frustrated, she has expressed that I am the only person she has ever felt a real connection with and that when i appear fed up with her, as if i am going to leave her, she gets suicidal. She expressed this about halfway into our year of marriage and since then it has really effected me. Im still trying to be here for love and love alone, but the pressure of feeling like I couldnt leave even if i wanted to - or needed to - makes me feel somewhat like I am here by compulsion.

The second reason is, while I feel like she is a very pretty young woman somehow it just doesn’t translate into sexual attraction for me. I think it may have to do more with internal attributes than physical qualities. I am really attracted in bed to aggressive strong woman and as I have just expressed, it is clear to me post marriage that in fact she is an extremely fragile young woman with a lot of issues. While we were dating she didnt seem that way to me, but i know now that i just didnt fully understand this aspect of her character. Her apparent strength was really an illusion. In truth she is really struggling to make it in the world, to know herself and feel good about herself.

It doesnt help either that she appears to have a lot of trauma around sex, is extremely prudish about her private parts being touched, has catholic guilt around sex from her upbringing, and has severe vaginismus. Meaning, while in the beginning of our relationship I could do a little bit of penetration, as some of the trust in our relationship has strained nowadays she cannot handle any penetration whatsoever. She also has chronic reoccuring yeast infections down below, and no matter how many times we take her to the doctor we havent been able to resolve her burning, itching and other problems. Sex is consequently completely unarrousing for me, and to get any satisfaction I have to try and remember images from my porn watching days. The temptation to go back to watching porn is also strong, which I hate, as one of the main reasons I wanted to get married is I wanted to have a really pure sex life.

The simple truth is that I really do love my wife. She has lots and lots of positive attributes. She is extremely kind and thoughtful. She really cares about people and family, and tries really hard to treat everyone right, especially her parents and friends. She is very intelligent and I have great conversations with her. She is really funny. I always am laughing with her. She is a good cook. She is active and likes to do things with me. She is romantic. She is cute and sweet. Best of all, she is perhaps the only person my age I have ever met that I felt like I could express myself to and be comforted by. While other people make me feel uncomfortable expressing myself, with her I really feel like I can talk. Ive never had that before and she has helped me to work through a lot of past traumas through just allowing me to talk about them and listening with sympathy.

She is a really good artist as well. She plays the guitar and sings like and angel. She wrote me a love song when we were dating that was so good, I didn’t realize it was hers. I thought she was doing a cover of some famous musician until she told me.

Due to her gentle and compassionate nature, as well as her honorable character, I feel like everyone she meets instantly loves her. Everyone wants to be her friend, and she seems to genuinely want to be theirs. Which is good for me, considering that I am an introvert who gets lost in introversion and can really use that balancing, social-focused energy in my life. She balances from my introversion, and we both benefit each other.

She really encourages me to be a better person and believes in me. Most of all, I know she is extremely committed to our relationship and to me. She all but alienated her whole family to be with me, and chose me over them when they expressed their distaste for me and our relationship.

All of that makes it even harder for me that because I just can’t two very fundamental needs met – a sense of saftey and comfort in the relationship from being able to rely on her, and sexual fulfilment – that I am more and more struggling in our relationship. I think the biggest thing may honestly come down to the sex. I am 24 years old and at the hight of my male sex drive. Yet in may ways, she is so underdeveloped mentally as well as physically that I think being with her sexually almost makes me feel like a pedophile. With her tiny breasts and butt, and round puppy-fat filled face, she really looks like a kid too. Add to that her seeming total psychological unpreparedness for the act – she cant even handle a finger inside of her, it is so emotionally disturbing – sex with her literally makes me feel somewhat sick. Like I am raping a kid or something.

I really don’t know what to do about our relationship. I have already given most of what I had to be with her, and she most of what she had to be with me. I love her and don’t want to leave her. Yet at the same time, she really seems to be just completely unready for a relationship on all levels – emotional, psychological, and physical. Because of that my desire for her to simply live up to the role of a wife and an adult is extremely oppressive for her. The pressure breaks her down even more, leaving me even more stressed, frustrated and overburdened with the problems of our practical life. I take it out on her, and the cycle escelates.

What is a man to do? I have no idea how to handle a situation like this. Please advise.

Hey man, if you want me to be perfectly honest with you, I think you should stay with her. Every body has their own quirks. I’ve been with my wife for 3 1/2 years and in the beginning it was rough and we both had to get used to married life mentally and emotionally. The best piece of advice I can give you: communicate with her. I know you said you don’t feel like you can express yourself, but the reason she feels upset/threatened is that she thinks you’re going to leave. Talk everything out with her and see if you can get on some common ground. I know for a fact you still love her and have feelings for her. If talking to her doesn’t go through well, I would recommend marriage counseling as a last resort. I believe you two will be fine. I understand your frustration though about the sex life and I know where you’re coming from. Don’t let this obstacle stress both you guys out. What I say you two both do: go out for a weekend. Whether it be dinner, getaway, etc. just try to enjoy the holidays and destress together. I hope some of my advice helps and you two get this problem fixed, good luck man!

I think your marriage might have a chance if she is willing to work with you on some of these issues. Although I am concerned about your view towards sex with your wife. Sex is an important part of a marriage, and it sounds like she definitely needs some therapy to work through her sexual issues. The act of sex with your spouse shouldn't make either one of you uncomfortable. I would sit her down and have a heart to heart with her. Try to adjust your communication style so that she doesn't shut down. Tell her you want to be a team with her in taking care of life's responsibilities. Ask her to try therapy, to improve your sexual intimacy. Try to support her in her roll as a wife. You are both young and inexperienced. She will have to learn to take care of herself eventually, but it really sounds like she needs some help with her emotional issues. And its hard to believe that you didn't know this extreme side of her before you got married...A lot of things your complaining about/missing are key factors to any romantic relationship. Communication is the only way to fix this.

How old is she?

It sounds like you both should see a sex therapist. chi

OP, I have to ask: how well did you actually know her before you married her? I know you dated, but for how long? I am trying to understand how you didn't see at least some of these issues before marriage.

At the risk of sounding insensitive, and it's certainly not my intention, but do you know if she has any developmental issues? Being klutzy is one thing. But running 3 red lights in a row, frequently getting lost in her own town, struggling with loud noises - it makes me wonder if there is more to this than just having been sheltered as a child.

I think you two may need to consider marriage counseling. She does sound like a good person, but being a good partner is a different ball of wax. Her crumbling when you try to talk to her about this and then threatening suicide is also very troubling. If you don't address these issues now, your marriage will fall apart.

"If I ask her to drive she will run three red lights by the time we get home. It is like this every day. I know how to get around her small home town better than her after living here 2 years,"

This is as far as I got.

Has she had a full neurological/physical diagnostic done?

Agree. This is a lot more complex than immaturity. Please ask her to see a physician.

Has she had a full neurological/physical diagnostic done?

Your wife sounds a lot like my ex-girlfriend. For years I indulged in this, not quite recognizing that I was enabling a dynamic that was really, really unhealthy and ultimately lead to some catastrophic fissures. My suggestion is: She needs to be talking to a therapist.

-Your wife is within a year of you in age, yet you refer to her as young, your young wife.

- She hadn't moved out of her parents' house - maybe that fact contributed to your sense of her purity.

- You wish she had the qualities of a more mature and independent woman.

I am suggesting therapy for you, because having a pure sex life was your number 1 priority, which caused you to overlook these otherģ characteristics. Now the challenges that presents are creating resentment, and marriages are difficult to repair once resentment enters.

For your wife, a different course of therapy. Sexual or at least emotional abuse seems likely.

Accept responsibility for choosing purity over worldliness, and let the physical aspect of your relationship build very very very slowly. You each need time to learn. No sex until these emotional dynamics are healthy.

I am suggesting therapy for you, because having a pure sex life was your number 1 priority, which caused you to overlook these otherģ characteristics. Now the challenges that presents are creating resentment, and marriages are difficult to repair once resentment enters.

Agree. You were so single-minded in your quest for a wife that you didn't consider the entire picture. And now you are looking at this issue with the same single-mindedness. I think you could both benefit from some counselling.

At the risk of sounding insensitive, and it's certainly not my intention, but do you know if she has any developmental issues? Being klutzy is one thing. But running 3 red lights in a row, frequently getting lost in her own town, struggling with loud noises - it makes me wonder if there is more to this than just having been sheltered as a child.

Yes, this occurred to me, too. I work with adults on the autistic spectrum (as patients, that is!) and some of the features you describe - the tendency to get overwhelmed with stimuli, the dyspraxia, problems sequencing activities like finding her way around - sound familiar. I think it would be worth getting her assessed for these difficulties because they ARE treatable if a diagnosis has been made.

Whatever, I think you should stay with her and see this through for the time being. She sounds like a lovely person who is true to you.

Many females on the autistic spectrum are not even diagnosed . My son is diagnosed but a pretty late diagnosis in later teenage years. ( 17)

So what you’re saying about your wife kind of tweaked me off to maybe some developmental delay.

And one thing about my son and he finds physical touch pretty abhorrent.

Many females on the autistic spectrum are not even diagnosed . My son is diagnosed but a pretty late diagnosis in later teenage years. ( 17)

 

So what you’re saying about your wife kind of tweaked me off to maybe some developmental delay.

 

And one thing about my son and he finds physical touch pretty abhorrent.

I am forever fascinated by what I learn by reading threads on ENA.

OP, I hope you find a way to feel cared for, and to care for, the well being of you both. Go gently forward with some support from the medical community for you both. And I do hope psychiatry is not a trigger for you; it was an Ivy League psychiatrist who diagnosed me, and I would return to her now if she were still in practice. Psychiatrists can be incredibly helpful because they are MDs who have focused on brain function, and so are good at understanding physical symptoms that originate in brain chemistry and neural mapping patterns.

I am guessing lack of life experience (not doing things on her own before) and perhaps some sort of neurological issue is at play here.

People who are not neurotypical do not like loud noises or over stimulation in any manner - whether its flashing lights, loud noises or sometimes touch. You also said she has a physical problem with her vagina.

"Vaginismus, sometimes called vaginism, is a condition that affects a woman's ability to engage in vaginal penetration, including sexual intercourse, manual penetration, insertion of tampons or menstrual cups, and the penetration involved in gynecological examinations (pap tests). This is the result of an involuntary vaginal muscle spasm, which makes any kind of vaginal penetration painful or impossible. While there is a lack of evidence to definitively identify which muscle is responsible for the spasm, the pubococcygeus muscle, sometimes referred to as the "PC muscle", is most often suggested. Other muscles such as the levator ani, bulbocavernosus, circumvaginal, and perivaginal muscles have also been suggested.[2]

A woman with vaginismus does not consciously control the spasm. The vaginismic reflex can be compared to the response of the eye shutting when an object comes towards it. The severity of vaginismus, as well as the pain during penetration (including sexual penetration), varies from woman to woman.[3]"

She needs to see an OB-GYn about this- she could be constricting even more anticipating the pain that will happen.

I think you rushed to marry her -- i think everyone should pay their own bills and live on their own (or with a platonic, same sex roommate, etc, but paying one's own way) for a time before marriage so that you can help your spouse manage the household and just live responsibly.

Now that you married her - you are married - so encouraging her to see an OB-GYN is really important and to also encourage her to explore other issues - some food sensitivities can also cause disorientation. A vision problem can cause stepping on people's toes as well if she doesn't have a form of Asperger/s

"If I ask her to drive she will run three red lights by the time we get home. It is like this every day. I know how to get around her small home town better than her after living here 2 years,"

 

This is as far as I got.

Has she had a full neurological/physical diagnostic done?

This was going to be my comment. It could possibly be a medical condition.

The marriage, until I got to the part about all the good things in your marriage and your compatibility I was concerned. However, after reading it seems you two are a good couple. Sex is a big factor, but it can be worked on if the foundation is steady and it seems that it is.

How long did you date her before you married her? It sounds as if this was an arranged marriage wherein you didn't know what you were getting into until you were in it.

I too think that you would do well to seek medical attention and a referral to a psychiatrist. The thoughts of suicide (if you leave her) and the inability to enjoy intercourse alone are two very good reasons you should have her assessed.

OP, do you have any intention of coming back to this thread to respond to the input you have received?