Am I not worth the drive?

Hi everyone, I feel like this is a somewhat common problem, yet I still need another perspective.

I have been dating my boyfriend for a year and a half. He is a good man, and we have a pretty good relationship.

In that year and a half however, he has never once visited me. It is always me who goes to him. We live about 40 minutes apart. He has his own house in the country, whereas after I moved back home after four years of travelling and living well beyond my means, I moved into the city into a cheap shared condo situation (1 roommate) so that I could save for a few years and 'rebuild' myself financially. So of course, it is much more enjoyable to hang out at his place where we have a house/yard/space to ourselves, than it is to hide in the bedroom of a city condo for privacy away from my roommate. I get that.

He says he hasn't visited me because he doesn't like the city, and going into a condo is just not something he's gonna do. He is very aware that I would like him to visit me at least once in a while, I've talked to him about it a few times. I have cried to him, saying I just need to know that despite his deep disdain for the city, I need him to come see, even occasionally. Just come to me once in a while, hold me for a while, sleep next to me, show me that he's willing to do that. I need that occasional effort. I spend time/energy/money getting to him once or twice a week.

He makes effort in other ways, he has come out to my parents/friends...lucky for him, they all live in the country.

He has suggested I move in, he says he does want me with him. So, am I just being nit-picky & over-emotional??

It's a good relationship....yet I don't know if I'm built in a way where I can move in with a man who continually shows me that spending a bit of time with me is simply not worth a 40 minute drive....

Why in the world do you make it so easy???????????

It needs to be 50/50. If he wants to see you, he comes to see you half of the time.

You need to stop enabling this behavior. We teach people how to treat us.

Do you ever have dates in the city where he comes in and meets you somewhere other than the condo?

Is he a through and through country boy?

I'm trying to understand. It does seem rather extreme that he never ever will go in to the city to stay with you.

Does he go to cities for other things ?

Do you ever have dates in the city where he comes in and meets you somewhere other than the condo?

 

Is he a through and through country boy?

 

I'm trying to understand. It does seem rather extreme that he never ever will go in to the city to stay with you.

 

Does he go to cities for other things ?

Thanks for the reply Yes, we occasionally hang out in the city, things like dinner or mini-golf (I love mini golf haha) which he will suggest actually more than me. He drives into the city every day for work. Yes, he's a country boy which I get, I'm a country girl as well but as I said I am a bit broke, so am in this condo trying to get back on my financial feet.

I mean it sounds like he's being pretty frank about his reasoning. He doesn't like the city and he sounds about done with dealing with roommates, whether on his end or yours.

I think he's completely free to not wanna make a drive around and stay the night in conditions he's uncomfortable with. But, at the same time, you're more than welcome to decide if his being fickle is worth it to you. If it's all expenses paid and all comforts provided once you've arrived, then hey, it may be worth the drive. But if you think it's not, then you've gotta ask yourself some hard questions.

You say so yourself he makes the effort to meet you-- just so long as it's not in the city. Again, weigh those efforts against the effort you put into commuting. Only you can answer what you're comfortable with or not.

I will say that if he's this dead set on only ever mingling in the wilderness, you should ask if that's a life you'd want to live sometime down the road. I'm seeing some big red flags as far as incompatibility goes.

If I had to guess, a good chunk of the things you're attracted to him for are intrinsically linked to his choice of a rural lifestyle.

Why in the world do you make it so easy???????????

 

It needs to be 50/50. If he wants to see you, he comes to see you half of the time.

 

You need to stop enabling this behavior. We teach people how to treat us.

For some reason I feel like expecting him to come visit me is asking too much, because of my unfortunate/undesirable living situation. Still, your reply is what my gut is saying. Funny you say 'we teach people how to treat us' because as I was crying to him, I said "It's not your fault, we teach people how to treat us, and I've taught you that you don't have to visit me and yet still be in the relationship"

How about if you guys got a hotel in the city? Truth be told I wouldn't want to stay with a roommate either .

Ok, that's great he will hang out and go on dates with you in the city. So it's specifically about staying at the condo. It would actually be quite convenient for him to spend a night here or there rather than drive home, so he must feel quite strongly about the condo situation!

I too think it's just the condo situation not that you're not worth it .

I mean it sounds like he's being pretty frank about his reasoning. He doesn't like the city and he sounds about done with dealing with roommates, whether on his end or yours.

 

I think he's completely free to not wanna make a drive around and stay the night in conditions he's uncomfortable with. But, at the same time, you're more than welcome to decide if his being fickle is worth it to you. If it's all expenses paid and all comforts provided once you've arrived, then hey, it may be worth the drive. But if you think it's not, then you've gotta ask yourself some hard questions.

 

You say so yourself he makes the effort to meet you-- just so long as it's not in the city. Again, weigh those efforts against the effort you put into commuting. Only you can answer what you're comfortable with or not.

 

I will say that if he's this dead set on only ever mingling in the wilderness, you should ask if that's a life you'd want to live sometime down the road. I'm seeing some big red flags as far as incompatibility goes.

 

If I had to guess, a good chunk of the things you're attracted to him for are intrinsically linked to his choice of a rural lifestyle.

Yes, it is mostly 'all expenses paid' once I get there, he's good to me, good to my friends and family.

As for the lifestyle compatibility, we're hugely compatible. I grew up on a farm, he grew up in the bush. We both love quietness, spending time wood splitting for bonfires, fishing, waking up to cook big breakfasts, and more quietness I don't like living in the city, it's slow murder of the soul. (Somewhat dramatic yes, but I heard that somewhere) I just simply can't afford anything else right now. Not that I don't appreciate cities for visits, I love to visit cities and get lost in the culture of a city for a few days....but that's off point I guess.

Anyway, thanks so much for your reply...some things to think about.

For some reason I feel like expecting him to come visit me is asking too much, because of my unfortunate/undesirable living situation.

I'm not sure what your "living situation" has to do with him traveling a mere 40 minutes to visit you? My thoughts are since he can't visit you without the added "benefits" he feels it's not worth his time, (imo).

At any rate, it appears you're selling yourself short, when you deserve so much more. Place a higher value on yourself...

I'm not sure what your "living situation" has to do with him traveling a mere 40 minutes to visit you? My thoughts are since he can't visit you without the added "benefits" he feels it's not worth his time, (imo).

 

At any rate, it appears you're selling yourself short, when you deserve so much more. Place a higher value on yourself...

I agree that he should be willing to drive 40 minutes to visit me once in a while despite my living in the city & having a roommate. It bothers me, it hurts, and it's a problem. But it's not about the 'benefits'-we don't sleep together every time I'm there, he's not in any way all about the benefits. In fact our sex life is a bit of a problem...but perhaps that's a subject for another day & another thread. In any case thanks for your reply because yes, he should care enough to visit on occasion.

He asked you to move in, so why don't you?

I'm confused. If he's already driving in to the city every day for work, why would it be about the drive? Wouldn't he already be in the city?

I'm confused. If he's already driving in to the city every day for work, why would it be about the drive? Wouldn't he already be in the city?

Well, it's not about the drive I suppose, it's about the city. He works in the city, but hates being in the city. And so, once the work day is done, he wants only to get the f*%k outta the city. I do not believe it would occur to him to see if I am done at home (in the condo) & free for a visit. He's not willing to come to hang out in a shared condo situation with me.

If that was your only problem and he meets all of your main needs otherwise, it could be resolved if you moved in together if you thought it was a good idea at this point. But it sounds like you have sexual incompatibility or something along those lines. Time to make a deal breaker list and a must-have list and stick to it. If he's the type who is never willing to come to a consensus on anything with you, then your life will always be about his way or the highway.

He sounds incredibly selfish. Is this the problem with your sex life?

He sounds incredibly selfish. Is this the problem with your sex life?

He`s a bit set in his ways I suppose. He seems to imply `I am who I am.`

The sex issue is that he does not last long. I am trying to do things to get him to last longer. But often just as I am getting started & getting into it he`s just about done. And so there are times when I have not initiated sex, even though I want it, because I know that as soon as I get going he`ll be done and I`ll be laying there...unsatisfied. If he`s had a few drinks he can last longer, so when he`s had a bit to drink I take advantage. Because if I have the chance to have sex for more than ten minutes, I`ll take it.

It sounds like a sad sad thing, and it is, but some men don`t last long and I am trying to work with him. It`s definitely a very real obstacle but when you want to be with a man it isn`t a dealbreaker, and what kind of a soulless woman breaks up with a man simply because he doesn`t last. I just never knew how hard a year and a half of two and a half minute sex could be on me.

This will be a reply on your next thread about sex but why doesn't he bring you to climax by other means when he's orgasmed before you?! Has he not fingers? Tongue? Could he not buy a dildo?! He doesn't need a hard on to thrill you.

I think that you are taking his not wanting to come to your condo too personally. He invited you to live with him, so why don't you? A year and a half is a pretty long time I am surprised the two of you are not talking marriage now. chi

He`s a bit set in his ways I suppose. He seems to imply `I am who I am.`

 

The sex issue is that he does not last long. I am trying to do things to get him to last longer. But often just as I am getting started & getting into it he`s just about done. And so there are times when I have not initiated sex, even though I want it, because I know that as soon as I get going he`ll be done and I`ll be laying there...unsatisfied. If he`s had a few drinks he can last longer, so when he`s had a bit to drink I take advantage. Because if I have the chance to have sex for more than ten minutes, I`ll take it.

 

It sounds like a sad sad thing, and it is, but some men don`t last long and I am trying to work with him. It`s definitely a very real obstacle but when you want to be with a man it isn`t a dealbreaker, and what kind of a soulless woman breaks up with a man simply because he doesn`t last. I just never knew how hard a year and a half of two and a half minute sex could be on me.

Why doesn't he finish you off? He sounds selfish.

Two minutes of sex. How can you consider a future with this dude? Plus, Mr. Selfish does not want to be bothered to come to you. Time to wake up,as to what type of man he is.

Thanks for the reply Yes, we occasionally hang out in the city, things like dinner or mini-golf (I love mini golf haha) which he will suggest actually more than me. He drives into the city every day for work. Yes, he's a country boy which I get, I'm a country girl as well but as I said I am a bit broke, so am in this condo trying to get back on my financial feet.

I'm a bit confused here. Sounds like he will come to the city for dates and things to do with you. He just won't come over to spend time/night in your apartment with roommate situation. Can't really blame him for that. Unless there are other issues you have with him, this isn't exactly him refusing to do stuff for you because he doesn't care or won't make the effort. What is your real problem because this sounds too much like a red herring?

I am getting huge red flags that say "SELFISH". You are making ALL the effort to see this guy because he "doesn't like the fact that you have room mates"? Sorry, but that is insanely childish and very selfish. He might not like your situation (hell, you might not like it) but that is no excuse for saying that you need to do all the work. Relationships are about compromise and occasionally doing something you don't want to do for the sake of your partner.

The fact that he is unwilling to make an effort EVERY NOW AND THEN says a lot about who he is as a person.

You add in the fact that he doesn't seem to care whether you are sexually satisfied after he has had his own fun tells me that it's all about him.

Here's the thing about guys like this - they expect women to do most of the emotional labour in the relationship. They expect you to make the effort, to go the extra mile and think they are doing their part by 'being a nice guy'.

Nice is the bare minimum. This is the type of guy who, if you marry and have kids will not help changing diapers, will not stay up at night when the baby wakes up, will not buy groceries or items that are needed unless he is given a specific list and it's not 'out of his way'. In short, he is not the kind of person who is going to be an equal partner to you because he doesn't feel the need to be.

I would walk away myself, but if you plan to stay be aware that he is probably not going to change.

I think that you are taking his not wanting to come to your condo too personally. He invited you to live with him, so why don't you? A year and a half is a pretty long time I am surprised the two of you are not talking marriage now. chi

Thanks for the reply. Maybe I am taking it too personally. When we first met I was ready to date someone exclusively, but not quite ready for a serious relationship. As trite as it sounds, I wanted to take things very slow. I already did the fall in love, buy a house, merging of our things, after which we did the heartbreaking falling out of love, selling the house, dividing of the things.

He was through something similar and we've honestly been pretty content just dating exclusively and allowing the relationship to grow without much talk of labels, or 'where it is going', and I'm thankful for that. Because now I know that our moving in together wouldn't be an impulse move, just an 'organic' step forward after a year and a half of building something. So why don't I move in? I'm trying to figure that out, as I seem to have little self awareness on this matter in terms of what I really want. If we moved in, we'd get along great I'm sure, seeing as the only real issue is him not coming to see me at the condo. Just a bit of left over fear about getting hurt again I suppose.

I'm a bit confused here. Sounds like he will come to the city for dates and things to do with you. He just won't come over to spend time/night in your apartment with roommate situation. Can't really blame him for that. Unless there are other issues you have with him, this isn't exactly him refusing to do stuff for you because he doesn't care or won't make the effort. What is your real problem because this sounds too much like a red herring?

Thanks for the reply. You say you can't blame him for not coming over because of the roommate situation, yet others here are saying he should absolutely be blamed for not making the effort to come to me once in a while. It's interesting to me because the responses are similar to the back and forth in my head about whether I am being silly by asking for too much, or if I actually have a right to feel let down. The different responses tell me that, as in so many relationship issues, there is no definite right or wrong, just what we feel, what we're comfortable with. What we're willing to put up with isn't what another would put up with, and that's okay.

I have a huge, debilitating fear of putting myself out there only to be rejected. A lot of people do of course. To me, getting in my car after work to drive through construction and traffic to get to him for the last year and a half while he refuses to ever once get in his car to sleep beside me in my bed feels like me putting myself out there to someone who, quite simply, will not do the same for me. I have a fear that if my car was out of commission for whatever reason, I may not see the man.

Is this all sounding petty when the rest of the relationship is okay? Maybe, but I still wanted to hear what others had to say, because it nags at me. I guess I just think it's simple-if a man really cares about a woman, if he really misses a woman, he doesn't send a bunch of texts about how much he misses her. He gets in his car. That he doesn't bother feels like rejection.