Broken up after 3 years

Hi all,

I'm just looking for some input from people who do not know me or my ex. I have been with my ex for 3 years, and my ex dumped me 5 days ago.

Let me start with the relationship for 3 years was happy and healthy, with no real arguments. However, at the start of this year, my ex started to have family problems that resulted in a nasty fight with their family. They have since rekindled their relationship as a family.

My ex had been acting distant and when I confronted them, they said they were being distant on purpose because they need space. They said they have felt like this since their family situation.

The break up itself was amicable and not messy, I just wanted to show that I was there for my ex no matter the outcome. They said that we could still be friends because of how close we are.

It's been 5 days and I have not heard anything from my ex, and no real explanation other than "I need space". I'm trying to stay distant and allow them to grow but I'm finding the break up really difficult. I don't know if initiating the first text is a good idea or a bad one as I do not wish to drive them away but deep down I have a desire that they will come to their senses and come back to text me, to start fresh.

I would appreciate some help in this situation as I really do not know what to do.

Hello Unforgettable,

Sorry to hear you are going through this. I know it must be tough.

To be honest, the acting distant and "needing space" are not good.

Were/are there any signs of anyone else being involved? Any other recent red flags?

Am just saying that I am recently out of a 3 year relationship (3 years is quite common for this sort of thing IMO) and similar things were said to me (she was with someone else for a while)...

I hope it's not that, but just try and be prepared for hurt if it is.

Chin up. You'll get through this.

Thank you for your reply, I really appreciate it. Even knowing someone is out there reading what I have to say helps.

No signs of anyone else being in the picture, and when we broke up I asked that just to be sure. Seeing my ex in such a sad state and having them see me in such a sad state would make me hope that they would be decent enough to tell me there and then if there was someone else.

And that's the thing, I feel like if there was someone else, perhaps the break up would have some justification, Id have some closure, and be hurt but able to deal with it. Instead I'm just hurt and confused as to whether there's any future for us.

The red flags since the situation with my exs family were:

-being distant with contacting me,

-seeing their friends more often

-only showing affection if I did first

-asking to go to my place instead of theirs, I haven't been to their place for months until last week. When I went last week it was slightly awkward having not seeing their family for a long time.

I appreciate your time reading this and replying, it really means a lot.

No problem at all, that's what we are here for.

You have come to the right place.

If in their mind it is finished, they may feel under no obligation to give you the real reason.. I asked on different occasions after the split if there was someone else.. it was point blank denied.. I then find out later there was someone else all along.. it just makes the split "easier" for them at the time to give untrues (and tougher for us).. think about it, if someone tells you there IS someone else, you have to walk away and it makes it somewhat easier to deal with (although it hurts like hell).

In all honesty, the red flags are all quite serious and I can only offer from my personal experience and opinion that they were already checking out (all 4 happened to me in the last month of my RL).

Sorry to say..

I'm glad I've found a place like this, friends and family seem to just say "I don't know what to tell you". Sometimes it's good to hear some harsh truths.

Suppose their is someone else, would it be a bad idea to confront them about it? Breaking the NC rule to find it out?

I know you said they're under no obligation to tell me, but they did send me a text the day that it happened saying "I hope you're okay, I want you to know don't be afraid to text, I still want us to get through this together" however when I replied there has been no text since. My emotions are just in a state of despair and I'm even thinking about texting some of their family members just to get any sort of acknowledgement.

Ps I just read some of your threads, I'm very sorry to hear the same thing is happening to you. Such a time of year to be going through it also. 😔

When I was in your shoes, every bit as painful probably more so because I was damn convinced all it took a 'magic' phrase or moment. Nope. EX was done and moved on, as time went on I saw it for what it was, really irritated me that I was so blind. Hence 'love is blind' had real meaning to me. I think I spend almost a year in denial, maintained excellent 'no contact' and yeah, she came back every now and then to check on me.

Cannot tell you how that got my hopes up and crushed them at the same time. Brutal.

It was a dark December when I struggled in here, very much emotionally beached and so, so #$#$$ $ up. Best thing that happened, reading ENA back stories gave me insight, gave me direction if you will and a bunch of the kindest people I've never met - guys and girls encouraging, chiding and daring me to man up. Helped immensely. I began to grow, learn and made my way to the other side of the river of sorrow to be with them. Haven't had any desire to push another relationship, gun shy and busy doing me but that's okay, I'm me and you'll get here too.

Get hard, get busy and there are better things for you.

Thanks Unforgettable.

Yes, I've had break-ups before, but this definitely feels worse than the others.

Personally, I think you need to go strict NC and try and move on from this. They may contact you, they may not. Even if they did, it may not be meaningful. You will need to be prepared for this. I regret not going NC at point of break-up. I was in denial for weeks.

Friends and family are great to spend time with in times like this, but you are right, they generally don't want to discuss break-ups the whole time. That is why forums like this are such a godsend. Perhaps write down your thoughts on a journal, rant or vent here or whatever, instead of making contact? It does help the process

After 3 years in a relationship, in the 9 weeks since the split, not 1 nice word from her has been said to me.. She's already justified it in her head and I am irrelevant. This is also what is making my NC relatively easy.

Hi MasterPro,

Thank you so much for your reply. You're right, love is blind and I guess that's why I'm stuck heartbroken, because I thought they meant it when they said they loved me. I suppose I am still hopefully and probably in denial like you were, because it's only been 5 days. I feel like it's still fresh and I'm tempted to break NC because I feel if I don't break it soon, they will have time to heal and move on. However I'm torn between doing that and staying with NC because I don't want to irritate them.

I hope I'll get though this and I can tell that ENA is already a great support system to do that. Thank you.

Sputnik123,

Can I ask how the split happened if that's ok? Did you initiate it because you felt there was red flags? Or did they bring it up themselves? I can't stop thinking back to that night and wondering if it would have went any different. It's my first real heartache because its the first time I've ever felt like this was the one, and that's what's killing me the most.

It's such a good idea to keep a journal, thanks for the suggestion. I'll start writing that whenever I'm tempted to break NC.

Thank you for every reply you've sent.

Hi Unforgettable,

For sure, we were together for 3 years.. September this year she starts getting distant, starts making excuses not to come over, not initiating messages any more, less affectionate etc. In my heart of hearts I knew her head had been turned. Early October she messages (yes, messages..) that it's not working any more and wants to be on her own. I did all the wrong things initially for around a week, tried to reason with her, say that things can/will change, saying silly things etc..

She was adamant that she wanted space and to be on her own. There was barely any contact from her after this, except for a couple of meaningless texts (I was convinced that I had been instantly replaced.. where was all her "love" going to?). She had truly checked out of the relationship before we had split up. I was blindsided and in shock, although in hindsight, ALL the signs were there.

Fast forward to 24 days ago (since my last contact, hence now N.C) and I find out that she had been with someone else for a while before we split and is in a RL with him (it's actually someone I know). It now all makes sense, except for who it is! How could she stay in contact and explain this to me? The answer.. she doesn't.

What also annoys me is that at the time she was sooo adamant that she had no time for a relationship. When the partner is finished, they will generally say anything for an easier life. Nothing now surprises me.

Hence there is no reason now for me to talk to her and she certainly hasn't got anything worthwhile to say to me.

My advice to anyone from here on in, would be if something doesn't FEEL right, then it's not right. If that makes sense.

In your situation, NC is far more beneficial to YOU than the alternative. It's all about you now.

What were her family problems about?

Sputnik123,

That sounds like a devastating situation to be in. I'm sorry you had to experience that, I really am. It's so cruel to think that people are capable of treating their partners like that.

I'm trying to come to terms with it by taking your advice, thinking about what you said with "if something doesn't feel right then it isnt" is probably the best piece of advice I've been given. It doesn't feel right, therefore it isnt. I should accept that it isn't and just leave it at that, and move on. Who knows, maybe I'll get the confirmation that I need somewhere down the line if I happen to stumble across my ex with someone else, I'll be sure to keep my dignity and my pride and live life as normal. At the moment it's just finding that strength that's difficult, but I know I have it in me somewhere deep down.

The same goes for you, as horrible as it may have been, you'll find the strength to just move on and forget about her. In time I will too.

Thank you.

Hi catfeeder,

The problems were that the family are quite controlling and manipulative. My ex was 22 and living at home, and so they sort of used that against them by saying things like "you're going out too much, you never help around the house when (I'm) around " and eventually they kicked my ex out for a month. In that month my ex stayed with me at my place, and it was a whirlwind of emotions. I tried my best to make them comfortable and happy but the confusion of when they will be able to return to their house and the uncertainty of their family dynamic was evident with my ex. I think they felt like a bit of a burden in my house.

Since then, they have made up with their family and sorted out their problems. I was delighted for them and just happy to see that their family would stay off their back for a while, and give them space to live. Now it seems as though they've decided that they couldn't eliminate their family from their lives, but they could eliminate me.

Thank you for your time in reading this.

Thanks Unforgettable.

Yes, it was truly heartbreaking and am still dealing with it.

Have done well with NC of late, but no doubt it will hit me full in the face soon. We live in the same small town.

Yes, if you are confronted with anything, stay true to yourself, let them do what they are doing and keep moving on. It's the only way.

People are generally more stronger than they think, when push comes to shove, and I'm sure you will be fine too, with time.

Keep posting on here as it can be a good source of comfort.

Thank you sputnik,

I'm starting to accept it for what it is. It's been a full week since we've broken up now, and I'm starting to see that my ex has accepted this a long time ago, I have to accept it now. My friend contacted them yesterday and asked about the situation, to which my ex replied "it was really tough decision to make and I'm upset about it, but I think i needed to make that decision to find out who I am." Whatever that means, it can't be good in regards to getting back together. So I should accept that.

As for being friends, I'm struggling to know if it's a good idea or not. Do I really want to be seeing them with other people, from a friend point of view? Do I really want to be catching up once a month, with no real love? I don't know.

This forum has helped though. Thanks for all your input.

hi Unforgettable,

That's what we are here for buddy.

Yes, it is often the case that the dumper has "checked out" of the relationship a while before the dumpee. It usually helps if there is someone in the background nudging them along...

I honestly don't think you can be friends with the ex, until you are indifferent and any romantic feelings have gone (why would you want to do this to yourself?).

This will take a while.

Stay strong and use this forum as much as you need to.