I'm always the one messaging first lately.... not her.

I've been dating this woman for the past few weeks. We've gone on about 4 dates so far. Date #5 occurring this Saturday.

Anyway, lately, it seems like I'm the one always initiating text messages. Whether it's a good morning, how's your day, or whatever.

She had a time or two in the past started but not lately.

In fact, after a date last weekend, she thought I gave up on her and ghosted, and she went back on the dating site, but apparently (according to her) she hadn't gotten my messages, and was surprised when I did show her screenshots that I did indeed send them.

Her rationale for not messaging me when she never heard from me is that she's old fashioned and prefers a guy be the one to reach out.

Ladies, does this sound like something an old fashioned minded person would do, or am I being played?

Anyway, we had a great date this past weekend after ironing out that communication snafu, and as I said, we have another coming up this weekend.

Try the phone texting can only get so far. Maybe voice that concern but it seems like yall just started so she may be looking for your leadership

Try the phone texting can only get so far. Maybe voice that concern but it seems like yall just started so she may be looking for your leadership

Yeah, I call at times. But I'm referring to just typical hello messages, like when one of us is at work or something.

In situations where a phone call can't be made, but a message that you're thinking about the person.

The old-fashioned thing really works for the first few dates / weeks. Afterwords, I think it is perfectly normal for a woman with romantic interest to be sending messages and contacting a guy she likes...

Also, it could just not mean that much....sometimes people get carried away with their own life....

If I were you I would just give her the space she needs....maybe go about a week before writing her again....when she does, set up a date....

Sometimes girls think that men should be the "pursuers" and women are the "responders". I really believe that either party can do whatever they want... but some people have these dating "procedures" ingrained in their heads from random online articles, past experiences or their friends. Not much you can do.

This sounds like what I will do. I'm in my mid 30s. I never initiated a conversation. We've been dating for a month and meet twice a week. So it will be our 8th dates (?). I like him a lot, and always really happy to hear from him, but I have never initiated anything first. There're times I miss him and so tempted to message or call him, but I just tried to find something else to do instead... I also have never asked to meet up or brought up dates. He has always been the one who asked so far.

I'm not sure if that causes him to think the same way you think? But he started to be more quiet too. And I finally missed him enough to have to start a conversation (for the first time ever) on Friday (believe me, it is not easy and I feel like a failure doing that). He sounded very excited to hear from me and we had a very good conversation. On Saturday, I am not sure if he was waiting for me to initiate again or what, but none of us said anything. I could not stop thinking about him, but I didn't message him first again. Finally, on Sunday he texted me and asked for a date, and I was very happy. To be honest, I thought if he didn't text me by Monday, I would assume that he was not interested anymore and that we're done. And I would not text him.

Anyway, to reply to your question, if your girl is the same way as I am, she will be very happy to hear from you. The fact that I like someone or not does not make me be more active or initiate anything first. This is the difference between the way I treat the guy I like and the guys I don't like: To the man I like, I always respond to him (but he has to be the one who initiate everything first), I am happy and engage in the conversation and always agree to his date requests. To those I don't, it will take hours for me to respond, and if I do respond, I will not try to keep the conversation going. I will also do not pick up calls from the guys I don't like. I will also not share with him what is going on with my day, or share with him my plan.

Kind of agree with the other poster that the whole old fashioned thing only applies to the first couple of dates. After that, she also needs to show interest. It's just not a one way street.

I guess you need to ask yourself if you like being the mule pulling the whole weight all the time or if you prefer a woman who will actually be more warm and show interest back to you and ultimately be more of an equal partner who actually brings something to the table instead of just taking whatever you offer while giving nothing back. There comes a point where old fashioned = lazy and selfish.

I’ve never initiated contact until we’re officially in a relationship, which is usually after about 1 month of dating.

Just curious, why are you two not official yet?

I’ve never initiated contact until we’re officially in a relationship, which is usually after about 1 month of dating.

 

Just curious, why are you two not official yet?

Good comment Ellee. I can understand that.

If I may ask, what makes it "official"?

Exclusivity and an agreement to not see anyone else?

Or the "I love you" moment?

I am hosting her at my house this Saturday for dinner (the plan is just dinner and maybe a movie on the couch, no sex), so in your opinion, would this be a good time to discuss exclusivity, or get a "temperature check" on where we are now and where we're going?

I'm a woman and i'm the same way. I never initiate conversation until we are in an official relationship (exclusive/bf/gf).

It's old fashioned I know, but if a man really wants me he will express it and show with actions. I would never chase a man. So if a guy I started seeing never initiates conversation or asks me out on dates then i'm just going to assume he's not interested and i'll move on.

I know it's tough, many women are like this. It's just part of being a man sometimes.

But if once you are bf/gf and she still never initates messaging then that's a red flag.

Also, you've only been on 4 dates. I think it would be too soon to bring up exclusivity/relationship. You could do a temperature check by telling her "I've really enjoyed getting to know you these past few weeks, I think we have a lot in common ect." And just see how she responds to that. Just focus on having fun, and wait a couple more weeks to have the "talk". And from my experience, it's usually the girl who brings it up when she really likes a guy. Like "what are we"

And from my experience, it's usually the girl who brings it up when she really likes a guy. Like "what are we"

Really? Not something I would do... LOL I always wait for the guy to ask for this. And I am the committed relationship kind of person so to me it's never too early to ask for being exclusive. Being exclusively dating does not mean "official" to me, however. It just means we both agree to not see other people and just focus on each other. I think being official is the moment of "I love you". This, will take a couple of months.

I've been dating this woman for the past few weeks. We've gone on about 4 dates so far. Date #5 occurring this Saturday.

 

Anyway, lately, it seems like I'm the one always initiating text messages. Whether it's a good morning, how's your day, or whatever.

 

She had a time or two in the past started but not lately.

In fact, after a date last weekend, she thought I gave up on her and ghosted, and she went back on the dating site, but apparently (according to her) she hadn't gotten my messages, and was surprised when I did show her screenshots that I did indeed send them.

 

Her rationale for not messaging me when she never heard from me is that she's old fashioned and prefers a guy be the one to reach out.

 

Ladies, does this sound like something an old fashioned minded person would do, or am I being played?

Anyway, we had a great date this past weekend after ironing out that communication snafu, and as I said, we have another coming up this weekend.

Ask her if she'll come over and make you and your friends some sandwiches while you watch the game. That will show how 'old fashioned' she is.

Not the kind of woman I would date, but, to each his own.

[quote=Her rationale for not messaging me when she never heard from me is that she's old fashioned and prefers a guy be the one to reach out.

Ladies, does this sound like something an old fashioned minded person would do, or am I being played?

.

She point blank told her dating practices, so no I don't think she's playing you. It's up to you if you two are compatible for these reasons.

But honestly I would chose my battles. If she checks all the other boxes, is this a dealbreaker for you?

There is no harm in letting her know your dating practices and that would you enjoy it if she reached out as well.

Seems simple enough.

Step up your game to more dates and stop the routine how-was-your-day type nonsense texts. Text to ask her date ideas or an interesting question, etc.

I've been dating this woman for the past few weeks. We've gone on about 4 dates so far. Date #5 occurring this Saturday. Anyway, lately, it seems like I'm the one always initiating text messages. Whether it's a good morning, how's your day, or whatever.

She point blank told her dating practices, so no I don't think she's playing you. It's up to you if you two are compatible for these reasons.

But honestly I would chose my battles. If she checks all the other boxes, is this a dealbreaker for you?

 

There is no harm in letting her know your dating practices and that would you enjoy it if she reached out as well.

Seems simple enough.

No, not a dealbreaker. It's just not usual for me, b/c women I've dated in the past have been more "talkative" when it's come to texts, that when I meet someone who isn't, it just seems as if something if off.

I don’t think she’s playing you, there are women who just don’t believe i initiating a text to man while dating. Personally I think it’s ridiculous, if I’m more or less confident of the guy’s interest in me, and he initiates most of the time I have no problem initiating a text here and there.

For a second I thought she might be hesitant to text because she seems to think you ghosted on her when in actuality you did contact her...perhaps she’s suspicious of that (even though I know you showed her screen shots)?

Also just out of curiosity how did you end up contacting her if your texts weren’t going through?

I don’t think she’s playing you, there are women who just don’t believe i initiating a text to man while dating. Personally I think it’s ridiculous, if I’m more or less confident of the guy’s interest in me, and he initiates most of the time I have no problem initiating a text here and there.

For a second I thought she might be hesitant to text because she seems to think you ghosted on her when in actuality you did contact her...perhaps she’s suspicious of that (even though I know you showed her screen shots)?

Also just out of curiosity how did you end up contacting her if your texts weren’t going through?

Agree and to the bolded - I'm the exact same.

To the OP, you need to realize that not all women are the same when it comes to initiating/texting.

It doesn't mean one is more interested in you than the other, although it might appear that way.

In fact I know women who have no problem texting first and all day long; come to find she's not that into him at all. It's the exact opposite of what most men think.

It's easier to take risks, when you're not all that invested/interested. Plus some women just do it out of boredom or they like the attention.

With this girl, you need to step up and take some risks though.

Her not falling all over you texting ad nauseum may be one reason why YOU are so into HER; she's presenting a bit of a challenge and that can be very appealing to many people, myself included.

As long as she continues to accept your date invites, and responds to your texts in a timely fashion; she's interested. Especially accepting your date invites, that's the biggest indication of how interested a women is, imo.

Please don't play games and start "pulling back;" hoping SHE steps up (i.e. picks up the slack). She won't, she will only be confused, and presume you've lost interest.

Gah. It grosses me out when women want the guy to be the only one expressing interest. Gross.

Gah. It grosses me out when women want the guy to be the only one expressing interest. Gross.

I don't think it's that, I just think some women have a different way of expressing their interest.

Accepting dates, showing enthusiasm on the dates, physical touch, responding back to his texts in a timely fashion.

All that is very reflective of a woman's high interest.

How often she initiates a text message? Nah. Like I said, there are women (I know a few) who initiate texts and text all day long (boredom, seek attention) and they have little to no interest in the guy.

I certainly wouldn't recommend a man determine a woman's interest based on that.

But to expect a man to put in all the forward legwork? Why can’t his interest be shown the same way? (Enthusiasm on dates, touch, etc?)

But to expect a man to put in all the forward legwork? Why can’t his interest be shown the same way? (Enthusiasm on dates, touch, etc?)

I hear ya, but it's only been four dates, it's VERY early stages.

I say give it time.

If they have a great rapport, and are connecting on their dates, does it really matter who initiates a text message?

I really don't get all this text message stuff. I don't consider that "legwork" at all, it takes little to no effort to send a text.

My current guy and I rarely texted when we first started dating.

It through me at first because guys usually come on so strong with me, texting all the time etc.

But he was asking me out regularly, we connected on our dates, to me that is all that mattered.

Now we both initiate and text. I believe I even initiated our fourth date, but by then I was confident he was into me, so I felt comfortable doing that.

OP, just give it time. You may even want to tell her what you prefer; gauge her response.

You want a woman who is open and flexible too, that's important.

This sounds like what I will do. I'm in my mid 30s. I never initiated a conversation. We've been dating for a month and meet twice a week. So it will be our 8th dates (?). I like him a lot, and always really happy to hear from him, but I have never initiated anything first. There're times I miss him and so tempted to message or call him, but I just tried to find something else to do instead... I also have never asked to meet up or brought up dates. He has always been the one who asked so far.

I'm not sure if that causes him to think the same way you think? But he started to be more quiet too. And I finally missed him enough to have to start a conversation (for the first time ever) on Friday (believe me, it is not easy and I feel like a failure doing that). He sounded very excited to hear from me and we had a very good conversation. On Saturday, I am not sure if he was waiting for me to initiate again or what, but none of us said anything. I could not stop thinking about him, but I didn't message him first again. Finally, on Sunday he texted me and asked for a date, and I was very happy. To be honest, I thought if he didn't text me by Monday, I would assume that he was not interested anymore and that we're done. And I would not text him.

 

Anyway, to reply to your question, if your girl is the same way as I am, she will be very happy to hear from you. The fact that I like someone or not does not make me be more active or initiate anything first. This is the difference between the way I treat the guy I like and the guys I don't like: To the man I like, I always respond to him (but he has to be the one who initiate everything first), I am happy and engage in the conversation and always agree to his date requests. To those I don't, it will take hours for me to respond, and if I do respond, I will not try to keep the conversation going. I will also do not pick up calls from the guys I don't like. I will also not share with him what is going on with my day, or share with him my plan.

Why would you feel like a failure for reaching out once in while?

I'm like you in that I don't usually initiate, but I don't recall the feeling you're describing.

 

This is the difference between the way I treat the guy I like and the guys I don't like: To the man I like, I always respond to him (but he has to be the one who initiate everything first), I am happy and engage in the conversation and always agree to his date requests.

 

To those I don't, it will take hours for me to respond, and if I do respond, I will not try to keep the conversation going. I will also do not pick up calls from the guys I don't like. I will also not share with him what is going on with my day, or share with him my plan.

Why are you dating or even communicating (or not communicating?) with guys you don't like? smh

What a waste of time.

Just next them for cripes sake, why bother with all that?

For me, if I don't like a guy, it's just next. And I tell him.

To each his own I guess, jmo but I don't think it's fair to intentionally not pick up calls, take hours to respond, or not share about your day, not getting that.

Just tell him you're not into it and be done with it.

JMO.

Why are you dating or even communicating (or not communicating?) with guys you don't like? smh

 

What a waste of time.

 

Just next them for cripes sake, why bother with all that?

 

For me, if I don't like a guy, it's just next. And I tell him.

 

To each his own I guess, jmo but I don't think it's fair to intentionally not pick up calls, take hours to respond, or not share about your day, not getting that.

 

Just tell him you're not into it and be done with it.

 

JMO. an awesome opinion at that. Thank you for your directness!