I don't know who I like anymore.

I am 31 years old. I have been suffering of depression for the past 2 years mainly because of insecurity and self-hating issues.

This year I had my first kiss. It was with a guy with whom I had a few dates but I could not go forward because we did not have anything in common and I did not see myself doing public or private things with him.

Then I met another guy, and he was in all the senses what I always wanted. Shared interested, similar background. In the end I became really attached and even if it turned out to be a FWB relationship I never felt he took something from me. I enjoyed sex, I actually I had been worried that I would not like it. I did a lot of things in these months. I met friends. Lost weight. I actually was becoming a more open petson. Only in September, I left him because I could not stand to see him sporadically and at the same time trying to find someone else. I though we could remain friends. Because I felt so much affection for him I could not lose him completely. We barely had sny contact. In October I went our more, meeting people. Went to a date with a younger guy but did not amount to much; I started to see gus as strangers snd the thought of having them touch me made me sick . In November I had the great idea of seeing my ex and it was great up to the point he told me he was seeing someone (3 weeks alrwady) and she was special and the real thing. I was really upset but after giving me a tight hug he just went away.

In November I joined dance classes (where I could bear to have guys touching me) and connected with so many people, just as friends.

I also went to two dates with a guy, kissed and made out with him a bit (I sctually felt sexual desire) but he wanted to have sex immediately so I could not continue. I did not even like him that much.

A few days ago I had the again the bad idea of sending my ex a text saying that I was better and hopeful to find someone special. And I gave him my congrats for his special person. He replied talking about destiny and I was crushed really really crushed. I finally deleted his number so now I have no way of contact him. The two guys I was hoping to have dates with, one I think I freaked him out and the other U think ghosted me.

I keep busy, I actually net new and great frI ends and I am having fun but I don't know what I like anymore.

The guy who ghosted me was actually one that had in me the same reaction that I had had with my ex but he did not contact me (there is a post here in the forum about this) and I had like him because off that great conversationservice and chemistry we had the night we met.

A few days ago I met a guy. He is really cute, a lot into music I don't really care about. We exchanged messages about this topic but I am not sure of what to do.

I don't know how to know guys and I am very confused about what I want. I miss the intimacy, the closeness and the sex yes. And I miss feeling that I was special to somebody.

It sounds like so much has happened to you over the last few months. Perhaps you are changing at the same time as everything else?

I think it sounds like you are becoming more confident in yourself as well, which is great.

I am not sure on what your question is though. You will not always fall instantly in love with someone. Sometimes it is worth testing it out to see if feelings change. Sometimes you can have sex with someone you do not love 100% (men however are a lot more willing to do this than women, so you have to be careful!). But I think that perhaps you could start to date men you are unsure of for a little longer, to help you learn more about what you do and do not like.

Music is very good at bringing people together. If you don't like the same music, are you happy to go to gigs that he likes just to be in his company? How important is music to you?

There is no greater feeling than feeling special to someone. I hope you find someone who makes you feel like this soon.

I think you need to slow down and deal with your Depression. It's creating some intimacy issues with you where at first you had an aversion to being touched, and now you're craving it, driving you into relationships that are wrong for you. I haven't read your previous tweets, but why weren't you kissed until you were 30? Did something happen to you? It might have some effect on what's happening to you now. If you hadn't said you were 31, I would have thought you were a teenager. (I guess, emotionally, you are kind of like a teenager.) At your age, you're going to run into a lot of players, if you know what I mean -- guys that have avoided deep relationships into their 30s. You may not know how to spot the serious guys yet and you may miss out on the long-term relationship you really want. So you need to be careful. The self-hating and insecurity can cause you to seek men to try to fix it, but it may only make those feelings worse.

I was fat in High School and I was bullied. I did not ho to clibs. I became thin 10 years ago but I have always been an introverted and I liked staying alone. 6 years ago I moved to another country and in the city where I was I had many friends but they were PHD students and nobody was interested in me but I recognize that I dI'd not go out much again for my depression that at that was mild. Diring these years I met only one guy who liked me but I did not feel attracted to him so I stopped seeing him. Two years ago I moved to a new city but I tried again to meet people in academics but nobody was interested and I felt depressed again. At the beginning of 2017 I decided to go out more. But yes I was very much a teenager. But I don't regret anything physically.