Moving on after child abuse (TW)

I've been sexually abused as a kid, I was about eight at the time. He touched me, saw me and asked for me do touch him in return. It haunted me for years and I'm not happy since then. Now, at 17, I take antidepressants, antipsychotics, have already tried suicide more than once and have physical marks on my body due to my past, including self harm marks.

Recently, I've met a person, he's lovely, we spend the greatest time together, and he touches me, where I let him (not sexually). But we didn't kissed, I won't stare him for too long or let him love me me more. I want him to love me, but I can't let it behind. My body hurts with the contact, asking for it at the same time. I want him so badly, but It won't let me.. I'm afraid this guy will abandon me due to my pass. I feel like I'm too much to handle and I don't deserve to be loved.

Have you sought counseling?

Hello. I already do it, but for my other emotional issues. Due to my depression, mainly. I have not yet the courage to tell her about it. Should I?

Yes. Talking about it get's the pain out. I think for many survivors its difficult to talk about it because then it feels more "real". But coincidentally it actually helps in the end. You feel released more from it and it also helps for someone else to hear and understand your pain.

There are also groups you can join, survivors of sexual abuse, either online or in person. Those too will help a great deal in healing.

You are not alone and you can get past this.

It will take work to view intimacy as something nice and not something bad, and it will take practice and having someone who is gentle and understanding with you will help a great deal.

Don't give up, your life can change for the better and you don't have to be held in prison from your past any longer.

It was a mindset and a trauma that happened and as difficult as it may be, it CAN get better.

You are headed in the right direction.

And lastly, don't ever think you don't deserved to be loved. You deserve to be loved every bit as much as anyone else on this earth. You are just as important and you matter.

Don't forget that.

I am very sorry that this happened to you. It sounds like you are suffering due to childhood trauma. Have you ever tried specialized therapy e.g. CBT for trauma or EMDR? Antidepressants and antipsychotics may relieve symptoms but do not address the source of your pain. It sounds like you need to address the cause. You need to talk to your therapist about it and maybe they can help you explore some further specialized therapy options. You are a survivor and you most certainly deserve to be loved. Best of luck.

Yes. Please do. This is the root of your problems.

i am so sorry that you are having to deal with this pain.

I totally get where you are coming from. I was sexually abused by several different people as a kid. At 17 there was no way possible that I could date. If ANYONE touched me never mind a guy I would dissociate badly. My PTSD was horrendous back then.

Now I have been with my husband almost 30 years. I have had CBT and EMDR and my life is much happier. Plus I married a man very empathetic to my issues. He always does Walk A Mile in her shoes, he is on a committee for the advancement and support of women etc etc.

You CAN have a happy life, but it will require work.

I've finally told my therapist about my abuse situation and also about him. She encouraged me to stay on for treatment, because even though I don't feel pain constantly for that fact in my pass, It could be the origin of other problems in my life. That way, I need to treat it!

Thank you really much for all the advices, it gave me strenght to go on and tell her. I only need to move on in treatment and let myself be loved, because I deserve it. I'm not forcing himself to stay, he stays, in good times and in bad times as well. I couldn't ask for something else.

It will be a very though journey, but I believe that I have all the support I need.

It's really good to hear. Please keep us updated.

UPDATE: We have had our third date today and didn't kissed, because of ME. I'M SO PISSED AT ME. Pissed because of this disease, because of monster who did this to me. I won't find love, ever. who will stay?