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Help... input appreciated and devastated


DenisePumpkins

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I’ll try to keep it short...

 

Background: I met Bill at a local cooking class and we immediately hit it off. He’s 10 years older than me (I’m 35 and he’s 45) and one of the instructors at the course. After a year of flirting, we ended up kissing and for the next three and a half years we’ve been seeing each other casually without ever defining the relationship. We bought each other gifts and he remembered important dates of mine. He brought me for surgery once and we shared our history with each other. Showed each other our childhood homes. He was always supportive of me and pushed me to be the best version of me in whatever I did. He had passion and invited me to many of his work outings as his guest. We’d cook together, go out and eat, talk till the sun came up and really just clicked with amazing chemistry and always laughed throughout our times together. I never pushed to know what we were as I am in an open relationship and he was just getting out of a divorce where she cheated multiple times. I never wanted to ask and even the slightest bit of emotional talk would send Bill changing to another topic so I learned to just enjoy the company and we’d text and flirt and hold hands in the park and I found myself falling in love, hoping he was maybe feeling it too. We weren’t F buddies either as we only had slept together maybe 10 times in those three and a half years. We learned how to mountain bike together and shoot rifles and though he never said he loved me, he’s often stop at “I really appreciate you.” He told me flat out he was guarded and essentially “screwed up” and I understood his marriage really did a number. I wanted to know what I meant for sure but didn’t want to send him running and I knew full well I was always ready to drop things for him whereas I often felt I was not a priority as he sometimes fit me into his schedule (has kids and demanding job so...) it was enough and I was enjoying it until one night that ruined everything

 

What happened: I got a last minute invite to a specialty cooking course that involved a hotel room stay and immediatly invited him hoping we could have some fun and learn a bit at the same time so I invited him. He told me he would try to make it and that he just needed to see if his ex could watch his 14 year old son. We texted back and forth a bit about logistics and then morning of he sent me a very short text that only said “well, enjoy the course. No go.”

 

I was sad but was going to go anyway but I couldn’t help but feel like I said something wrong to get such a short response. It bothered me all day so later that night from my lonely hotel room I sent a text to see if he was in fact upset at me. I just sent him a quick “wish you could have come” and it took him over an hour to reply “yeah me too.” Being a normal woman, I reached out to a friend to decode his short answers and tell her what had transpired. Unfortunately, half way through, I realized the three glasss of wine that I had enjoyed at dinner messed me up enough to see that I had actually texted BILL!! instead of my friend. The texts basically said that I was mad that It took him over an hour to text me back the “yeah me too” and that I was kind of pissed. Then I questioned why would he be so mean to do that? I mean “I get he couldn’t make it but why be so mean to me” kind of thing? I was a bit drunk too and some words were messed up but I never called him any names and really I was just lashing out to a friend about being hurt.

 

Once I realized my wires got crossed, I sent an apology and got no response. I let it go a couple more days and asked to meet him. He agreed. I explained I was drunk. Lonely. Sad he couldn’t make it. Was texting a friend and he saw it instead. It was a mistake. I cried and told him I’d never hurt him purposefully and that he meant the world to me. His look said it all. He asked how could I do that when I know he has trust issues? He said he was disappointed in me and he did not like how I talked about him to my friend. He said he needed time and that he didn’t know if he could get over it. We parted and have seen each other a few times since but it’s been 3 months now and he’s never made an attempt to talk further. I saw him at the cooking class the few times I went and tried to talk to him and was met with smirks when I suggested catching up and told that he’d let me know what he arrived at once he knew. Then I had it one day and came right out and asked what the deal was and when I asked if he could ever see me like before and go back to whatever we were, he just simply shook his head no. He said he only sees me as a friend from here on out.

 

Heartbroken I left and have not again brought it up. We’ve chatted a few times since in class but he doesn’t ask me anything personal and keeps it just an instructor/student thing. It’s been 3 months since those texts and everyday I blame myself for ruining the one thing that really made me happy. To not see his goodnight texts, to not cook together or kiss and hold hands, to have to act like nothing ever happened (which seems all too easy for him to do) is literally killing me. I’ve started therapy and it’s not helping because all I can think of is that I hurt him right where he hurt most - in the trust dept.

 

How can I forgive myself? Do I try to talk with him again and just tell him that I miss him?How can he throw away over 3 years of us over those texts? Did he ever care? I feel like those texts were a product of my insecurity about us that finally bubbles over. Was he looking for a way out and I gave him an excuse? Either way it’s getting to be too much and I’d give anything to know what happened. I miss him so much and just want us back to well, us.

 

Any and all input is very appreciated.

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It sounds like he could have been switching off before your mistake. His short messages probably showed that. He probably just used your mistake to blame you for the break up.

 

Each one to its own, but I don't think your mistake was that big. I know you said he has trust issues, but you were just venting to a friend like we all do and there were no serious information shared. No one keeps 100% of the relationships confidential, and you didn't share anything big about him, in my opinion. It was not a secret or something like that. Anyway, that's just me, but if I were you I'd be thinking more about what made him give you those short and uninterested answers before you sent the wrong text.

 

So because he has trust issues you'd never be able to talk to anyone about what's going on in your relationship? I don't get that... This would never work then.

 

It's a dangerous path you're going through, puting all the blame on you. I found that people can use mistakes from the other to justify making a decision that would've been otherwise much more difficult, but one they wanted to make anyway.

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Why were you settling for this nothing relationship? There was no future, and you were doing everything to accommodate him.

 

I'm sorry, but this guy did not see a future with you, and never did. It was convenient, and you went along.

 

Find someone who will define the relationship and wants a future, not someone you have to walk on eggshells with.

 

He found his out, it had nothing to do with the text, as he was never invested.

 

Expect more for yourself. Move on from this guy. And no, you can't be friends! Drop the class. I also suggest you look up gas lighting, and understand why you chose some with such trust issues.

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OP, the text you sent was not that bad. He used it as an excuse to end it, though. So please stop beating yourself up over that. This "break-up" was coming, text or not. He zeroed in on that, however, because it's easier to blame you than to walk away because he knows he isn't going to actually date you.

 

He is unavailable to be in a relationship with you and he was backing out before that episode. It sounds like you hung on to this man hoping he'd change his mind and want something more serious, but he didn't. And now that it's over, you want to believe it was under your control in the first place and thus could be fine if he'd just forgive you for the bloody text. But that's now what happened here. He was pulling away from you already. Him forgiving you for the text (which he over-reacted to, in my opinion) would not change things.

 

And I am confused; if you're in an open relationship, who is your partner? Does she/he know about this man?

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And I am confused; if you're in an open relationship, who is your partner? Does she/he know about this man?

 

As I did not feel the need to expand on my current situation as I feel it has no bearing on the Bill situation, I will only add that no one knew about Bill including my current partner. We’ve been in a relationship for years but there is no chemistry and we’re basically roommates and BFFs. It’s a friendship and love but no funny biz for years and we both know it but don’t say anything to change things as I had tried and feel like I just made him feel inadequate and I don’t want to bring it up again. Ball in his court. If I’d try to bring it up w Bill, he’d always just encourage me to move on with my life and said he never judged me just as I never judged him for not getting the official divorce papers (they were not living together).

 

To expand on the “Bill already had one foot out the door” thing - nothing had changed and he had actually been very attentive affectionate in the days before the texts. He had even suggested I meet his best friend and took me on a very romantic night out to the shore with a candlight dinner and carriage ride. We were planning a weekend getaway as well and then those damn texts happened. That’s why I’m stumbling here... all was well and it was actually almost more intense than ever in his usual “hot and cold” actions. Thought I had finally broken through and then this.

 

Guess I just thought more of him as a person and friend than to put the blame on me, act so cold, indifferent and selfish in the weeks following (not ever coming forth to talk, speaking only in nods and skirting questions) and play the victim in this whole thing. He is a very good person and it really hurts to even think he was capable of being so callous

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And just to add.. I was not looking for marriage or a happy ever after with Bill. It was just such a connection like no other and I didn’t want it to end. I wasn’t waiting for the L word either though it would have been nice to hear instead of always questioning if he cared and to what extent. I mean I knew he cared as he’d spend hours upon hours talking and laughing with me and who spends so much time with someone they don’t care about? He was also thoughtful and would send kind words in tough times and bring me snacks when he’d known I hadn’t eaten.

 

I feel like I lost my best friend and I just want to shake him and say “hello!! It’s me... remember all we shared?”

 

Thanks again for all the responses,

Hurt in Houston

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As I did not feel the need to expand on my current situation as I feel it has no bearing on the Bill situation, I will only add that no one knew about Bill including my current partner. We’ve been in a relationship for years but there is no chemistry and we’re basically roommates and BFFs. It’s a friendship and love but no funny biz for years and we both know it but don’t say anything to change things as I had tried and feel like I just made him feel inadequate and I don’t want to bring it up again. Ball in his court. If I’d try to bring it up w Bill, he’d always just encourage me to move on with my life and said he never judged me just as I never judged him for not getting the official divorce papers (they were not living together).

 

To expand on the “Bill already had one foot out the door” thing - nothing had changed and he had actually been very attentive affectionate in the days before the texts. He had even suggested I meet his best friend and took me on a very romantic night out to the shore with a candlight dinner and carriage ride. We were planning a weekend getaway as well and then those damn texts happened. That’s why I’m stumbling here... all was well and it was actually almost more intense than ever in his usual “hot and cold” actions. Thought I had finally broken through and then this.

 

Guess I just thought more of him as a person and friend than to put the blame on me, act so cold, indifferent and selfish in the weeks following (not ever coming forth to talk, speaking only in nods and skirting questions) and play the victim in this whole thing. He is a very good person and it really hurts to even think he was capable of being so callous

 

You were finally going to meet his best friend after 3.5 years? He had NO intention of ever letting you into his life. You were a secret.

 

Did you ever meet his family, or anyone else he was close to?

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He kept his life private. I had met a few friends and was always introduced as a friend. He had wanted me to meet his BFF years ago but never really made a point until recently (well, before the crap hit the fan.)

 

His family knows his marriage is over but don’t ask questions and he never offers info. Very close to the vest and not the most open person as I well knew and described.

 

I’ve been thinking that it really is my fault. I triggered some distrust in talking about him first and then when I apologized, I told him I’ve never wanted to lose him and that he is very important to me. I cried and showed how much he meant to me... that probably made him run away even more as I scared his emotionally unavailable self. Still, it doesn’t make it easier to know that my actions inevitably caused it to end and for him to mistrust me.

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I’ve been thinking that it really is my fault. I triggered some distrust in talking about him first and then when I apologized, I told him I’ve never wanted to lose him and that he is very important to me. I cried and showed how much he meant to me... that probably made him run away even more as I scared his emotionally unavailable self. Still, it doesn’t make it easier to know that my actions inevitably caused it to end and for him to mistrust me.

 

No offense, but what kind of man are you going for, here? He sounds like a total wimp. Wouldn't you rather be with a strong, brave man?

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Denise, What you did was nothing. He was looking for an excuse to get out, then threw the blame on you. By blaming yourself, you can easily avoid the truth.

 

Why are you in a sexless relationship with your husband? Why don't you find someone that you can have a complete life with? All of this sounds confusing and drama making.

 

You sound like you were nothing more than a FWB with this guy. Certainly, you want more for your life.

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I am not married but it is and mostly always was sexless. It should have ended years ago but as mentioned were just roommates that share bills and are good friends. And it is confusing and drama inducing - I hate it all and know my Home situation needs serious attention and I need to pull the plug.

 

Unfortunately I fell for Bill as I thought he did care and we both didn’t want anything official per-se but he made me feel wanted and special and was affectionate in ways I’ve never experienced in my 35 years on this Earth. Tough to let that go especially when it was your own fault you ruined it. His decision to call it quits but my texts and words.

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Agree about wanting the strong and brave and thought he was. I always looked up to him because he was just that.. however when it came to feelings or emotion he would either change subjects or shut down so I eventually stopped going “there.” I would sometimes ask if something was wrong when he’d go cold and I’d get the “you’re too sensitive” bit, which was not a favorite. My fault for accepting that but didn’t want to ruin it and really didn’t want anything “serious” myself so it wasn’t right to go there anyway.

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And its horrible to say but all I can think is that I must not be that fun or great to hang out with for a man to give up a no strings attached situation with opportunities to get funky while also having fun with someone that cared so much. Don’t know too many men that would give that up so easily and that hurts a lot too.

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I am not married but it is and mostly always was sexless. It should have ended years ago but as mentioned were just roommates that share bills and are good friends. And it is confusing and drama inducing - I hate it all and know my Home situation needs serious attention and I need to pull the plug.

 

Unfortunately I fell for Bill as I thought he did care and we both didn’t want anything official per-se but he made me feel wanted and special and was affectionate in ways I’ve never experienced in my 35 years on this Earth. Tough to let that go especially when it was your own fault you ruined it. His decision to call it quits but my texts and words.

 

YOU RUINED NOTHING! He was on his way out. If he had cared for you, he would have stuck around.

 

Drop the class!

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And its horrible to say but all I can think is that I must not be that fun or great to hang out with for a man to give up a no strings attached situation with opportunities to get funky while also having fun with someone that cared so much. Don’t know too many men that would give that up so easily and that hurts a lot too.

 

Men do give this up because they can find the same in someone else.

He got scared, didn't want emotions involved, and bolted.

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Men do give this up because they can find the same in someone else.

He got scared, didn't want emotions involved, and bolted.

 

^^That's my take on it.

This is a guy you romanticize as being this guarded, broken bird and irresistible at the same.

But by your own admittance, you do not know a large part of what goes on in his life.

I will also add, people who have been burned by cheaters don't typically invest themselves in someone who isn't available themselves. I know you say you are nothing more than roommates, but lets be honest you are cheating on your partner as well, right?

 

FWB's typically run their course. The fact that you two managed to keep this one going this long it pretty incredible.

Relationships are living breathing things that continue to deepen or mature. If they don't (as you know all too well) they die.

 

I think he took saw this as an opportunity to bug out.

If your connection was all you thought is was it would have taken more than one drunk text to kill it.

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Agree with everyone above - your text was nothing bad at all - he was looking for an excuse to leave. (sorry!) What you need to do, instead of worrying about Bill, is get out of your "open relationship" with your "roommate" and find ONE man who can be everything to you, not two!

 

Agreed and thank you

Tough times for sure. Funny how some thoughtful comments from complete strangers can really make you think and feel worthwhile.

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Omg you dodged a bullet and stopped yourself from wasting more years with this person. You were right to vent with your friend about this person. He's just upset bc you were right and he was made to look like a fool and aloof and emotionally unavailable which he is.

I do think this open relationship may be affecting more than you care to say. You are going for na unavailable man (emotionally) because you yourself are unavailable. You may not see it at the same level but it is there. And that's why you go for this man who it will never work out with. As soon as you started getting real, he bolted. Waste of time and youre still young to find someone. Don't waste these precious years. He may like you very very much but is not emotionally there at all. Again, you may not be either even though you may think you are.

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Thanks everyone. Appreciate the viewpoints and I can’t help but keep replaying the last few months in my mind.

 

Weird thing is when I first saw him after the apology he seemed so angry. Angry At everyone while simply avoiding me. He was slamming pot and pans around and usually after class he’d go joke and talk w all the students but not in the immediate weeks following the incident. That’s why I’ve always felt like I really did break his trust and he was pissed about it. After I had tried talking the few times (And was met with smirks and shrugs and walls) and more time passed he seemed more calm and happy and himself again and recently, he’s been joking around w me a bit but never actually reaching out to talk or ask about how I’ve been. It’s like if he ended it, why be so mean and angry to everyone? Now that time has passed it’s ok as long as I keep pretending we never were anything? We’ve had radio silence since the event a few months ago and he only texted once to wish me a happy birthday, which I find surprising but again just prob shows he’s trying to be a “friend” (angry face)

 

I don’t want to think he’s a bad person because I still have a lot of respect for him. Sure, I question why he was often late and things were often on his terms (not big things, little things like movie choice and restaurants) but I can’t deny he was incredibly affectionate and VERY giving when it came to my pleasure. He was thoughtful too and many times brought me little tokens from his travels or things he’d know I’d enjoy to brighten my day. I guess I just thought that also meant he cared about me too.

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At the end of the day, OP, where did you really feel this would go?

 

He knows you have a boyfriend. Open relationship or not, you're not a candidate for a relationship with him. Regardless of the terms of your arrangement with your boyfriend, it doesn't make a lot of sense for another man to invest in you when he knows you live with someone else and are not fully available to have a relationship. So while this Bill claims your text broke his little heart, the truth seems to be that he was just not as emotionally invested as you believe. If you think about this from his angle, he's been cheated on and hurt; you're effectively cheating on your boyfriend. Bill obviously enjoyed your company but you're actually demonstrating that you too are capable of dishonesty, which I imagine was a key in the breakdown of his own marriage.

 

To be very honest, I think you need to reevaluate your expectations. If you have a boyfriend, most men are not going to consider you a candidate for much more than some no-strings fun. I also feel you need to be more honest with yourself: how open is your relationship if your boyfriend knows nothing about your other man?

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He was slamming pot and pans around and usually after class he’d go joke and talk w all the students but not in the immediate weeks following the incident.

 

That's how a little boy pouts and gets attention. He's trying to manipulate you. I hope you don't find that meager attention flattering.

 

I don’t want to think he’s a bad person

 

Don't get too stuck on this. Sometimes you have to call a spade a spade.

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At the end of the day, OP, where did you really feel this would go?

 

He knows you have a boyfriend. Open relationship or not, you're not a candidate for a relationship with him. Regardless of the terms of your arrangement with your boyfriend, it doesn't make a lot of sense for another man to invest in you when he knows you live with someone else and are not fully available to have a relationship. So while this Bill claims your text broke his little heart, the truth seems to be that he was just not as emotionally invested as you believe. If you think about this from his angle, he's been cheated on and hurt; you're effectively cheating on your boyfriend. Bill obviously enjoyed your company but you're actually demonstrating that you too are capable of dishonesty, which I imagine was a key in the breakdown of his own marriage.

 

To be very honest, I think you need to reevaluate your expectations. If you have a boyfriend, most men are not going to consider you a candidate for much more than some no-strings fun. I also feel you need to be more honest with yourself: how open is your relationship if your boyfriend knows nothing about your other man?

 

Agree but I have to add a few things:

- knowing how much he hurt from his marriage breaking up, I always felt wrong about what was happening.. thinking he must not respect me at all

- because of this I tried to talk to him about it and bring it out in the open that I acknowledged there was an “elephant in the room” and it was my situation

- to that he just laughed and kind of shrugged me off that I would even say it was an elephant

- when I brought it up again I said that I hope he knows I would have never kissed him back if I ever planned on staying with my partner and he responded that he would have never kissed me if he knew I was in a happy relationship with a future

- if the subject ever came up after that he’d just say that it’s all good because he’s not judging me and I’m not judging him and again he’d leave it at that

- a few times as of late he had told me to really think about moving out but I knew it was not for reasons to be with him but instead to make myself happier for my own life.. for my own good

 

So it did come up and I feel like I tried to talk about it but like anything else that had to do with emotions or feelings or the situation, he would clam up or shrug it off or simply disengage on the subject.

 

If you can’t tell yet, I’ve invested some serious time and tears into this whole thing and I’m not proud of the shadow of the person I feel I have become. I will fix things with my live in roomie that I do love but could never be with for life because he deserves more than me and I deserve at least some passion and chemistry. I always said I’d never be that shady person but I had a crush on Bill for a few years before anything even happened and never did anything about it. It wasn’t until he approached me and made plans with me that my curiosity got the best of me.

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Wait. You texted a friend how hurt you were, accidentally sent to him, and you need to apologize and he "might not be able to get over it"? Get over what? Most men would actually be glad to learn that someone cares so much about them. He is overblowing this into a 'trust issue' thing as an excuse. The real reason is something else. Probably someone else. And stop apologizing and thinking this is all your fault and you did something SO horrible to this little man. You were confiding in a friend and sent him the text by mistake. It's not like he caught you blowing the local football team.

 

Screw this guy.

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